Any chance of salvaging this relationship?

[stargirl1980]

Ok, was seeing this guy for about 3 months- yeah, not a long time (though he'd been trying to get a date for 2 years), but I felt we had a good connection, and it seemed like feelings were growing between us...him saying stuff such as "I like you alot" and "I'm really attracted to you". He'd been saying that he felt he might be too busy right now to get serious with anyone, but I understood his job was stressful (works 40+ hours in the medical field), and figured we could take it slow. He even makes a date to hang out with me, after he says this.

 

...and then he stands me up, doesn't answer me for 2 weeks, before finally breaking it off in a txt, saying "I don't want to lead you on into thinking we can be more than friends." This was 2 weeks ago.

 

And I did the really stupid thing alot of people do when they're heartbroken- sad weepy txt messages. An angry one too, 2 days after it happened.

 

After that I tried the "nice method", by just saying non-relationship things like "oh, I heard this movie was really good" and "I saw this thing at the store you might like". Before giving him the the stock "well, this is YOUR loss" this weekend, after the "can we talk about what was wrong?" one went unanswered. I KNOW- huge mistake.

 

I'm really ashamed of myself- 2 weeks, and I think the longest I've gone without txting anything was 3 days. I finally vowed, yesterday, to just bite the bullet and engage in NO contact- but I wonder, is it already too late? Have I already pushed him so far away, that he'll never miss me or think of reconciling?

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. let me get this straight - he was pursuing YOU for 2 years, now he finally gets you and he's like, 'nevermind....' sounds to me like he is into the chase more than he is the prize. i'd let him go.....

[orangesoda]

well if you want a guy's opinion on this, i think the 2-year chase pretty much pushed him away. That's way too long to be chasing anyone, and it pretty much builds up expectations so high, that they can't be met once you actually start dating. Nothing personal, but he probably thought, "I waited 2 years for this?" And on top of all that, you wanted to 'take things slow.' I mean, how much slower could things go? He'd already chased you for 2 years, that's an eternity - I mean, people get married after being together for 2 years...and he'd just gotten a first date. I'm pretty sure he ran out of patience.

[nimisaj]

personally, i used to get *wowed* by educated guys... maybe you're similar or maybe not... anyway, there are more doctors or whatever out there. and it seems like this guy doesn't know what he wants... just remember positive thoughts: there are plenty of fish in the sea!!!

[stargirl1980]

well if you want a guy's opinion on this, i think the 2-year chase pretty much pushed him away. That's way too long to be chasing anyone, and it pretty much builds up expectations so high, that they can't be met once you actually start dating. Nothing personal, but he probably thought, "I waited 2 years for this?" And on top of all that, you wanted to 'take things slow.' I mean, how much slower could things go? He'd already chased you for 2 years, that's an eternity - I mean, people get married after being together for 2 years...and he'd just gotten a first date. I'm pretty sure he ran out of patience.

 

Nonono...I really wanted a reltionship. HE was the one who wanted to go slow. Had a great first date, and the first 3 weeks we were dating, things were going good- he was on vacation from work most of that time, so we were talking and txting alot- but not seeing each other, cuz he had a flu and didn't want me getting sick.

 

After he got better, we went on a second date- this might have been my first misstep, because I said to him then, "I don't want to get hurt." (I'd ended a 1year relationship only a few weeks before. And even thoguh I was the "dumper", the pain was still kind of raw.) But when he dropped me off that night, he'd said we could get together for Valentine's Day that coming weekend.

 

Well...4 days later, after not answering me, he called, saying I was nice and sweet, but he thought we might be in "different places"- I'm 24 and still in school, he's 34 with a busy career. (Also, I think it might've bothered him that I'd only had 2 serious relationships before him.) But he said "we can be friends, get to know each other more, and see where it goes from there."

 

So...after a month of talking on the phone and txting each other...we slept together again. Quick fling in his car. Had sex again 2 weeks after that, another quickie before he dropped me off at my job. And then a few more weeks of txting each other. Sometimes I'd get antsy (esp. during a brief pregnancy scare), but he'd assure me he was busy, that I should relax, and promised we'd hang out again.

 

Then he calls to say "I think I might be too busy to get serious with anyone right now". I say I'm ok with only seeing him every few weeks if he's that busy. He says he's cool with that, asks me to hang out the next night. Calls the next night (Wednesday), asks to reschedule for Friday. ...and then stands me up. And the rest of the story is in the opening post.

 

~~~

 

As for why 2 years to get a date- he was a customer at the video store I work at- he asked for my number, I gave it to him, but I kinda spazzed, and wrote the wrong number. By the time he came in again (Some 2 months later) I was already involved with someone else, and turned him down, even though I did like him.

 

But , every few weeks, he'd come back, and start talking to me while he looked for movies. Would even ask about my boyfriend. Around last August, he asked again if I was "still with that guy". When I said 'yeah', he said "well...if it doesn't work out with him, give me a call." After that, I couldn't stop thinking about him.

 

My current relationship was already going downhill, but I waited until January before I finally pulled the plug on it, and called him. He was so excited to hear from me too....

[HoldingHope]

Hey girl,

 

First of all, you can't do nothing about your action up to this VERY MOMENT, so stop beating yourself up. I don't know if you have looked around the board much, but the best first course of action to take is NO CONTACT. It isn't easy, but has been a Godsend for me. I Gurilla texted my ex and did all kinds of things when he initally broke up with me. Wasn't good, but I decided the last night when we broke up for good, to not call him again. Please read the post here about No Contact and the reasons for it and it can be an important tool in helping you will getting him back into your life again.

 

It sounds like at some point the relationship became about sex. It could be with the off and on issues with getting together, he worries if you are serious or not. And it could be his job is so busy and it was causing him worry, so he decided not to get involved with any emotional entanglements. WHen he told you he didnt want anything serious right now, he meant it. I know it hurts but if you accept that, then you can reflect and see more clearly where you went wrong.

 

disappear for a while. Make him come to you. Work on yourself and getting your thoughts and things in your life together that need tending to. It sounds like more than likely you will run into him again, and you want to be confident and self secure and do not want to emit desperation. Read also on the Laws of Attraction on getting back with an ex, it can be useful. But for now, don't allow yourself to be just sex. Initiate no contact and read around on the forum. I have been going through my breakup 6 weeks tomorrow. It is hard as hell I tell you but already mentally I am getting stronger. Im in the gym and looking good and taking care of things I let pile up, and promising positive mental attitude. I feel like if I let the whole world constantly know how bad our breaking up hurt me and how bad I want back will only hurt me, not help me. Also I realize I need time now to clear my head and regain composure...I even begged this guy. It was not the right method.

 

Good luck to you and I hope you find peace and happiness soon! Keep your head up.

[stargirl1980]

Thanks for the reply.

 

Yeah, I think no contact is the way to go right now. He's said before that he's busy, and stressed. And me tugging at him like a needy puppy isn't going to make the situation any better- if anything, it'll probably lead to further resentment, especially since I'm dragging his attention away from other matters. So space gives us both the time to clear our heads, then honestly examine our feelings for one another.

 

I'll admit, I really have that fear that he'll forget me- out of sight out of mind. But I guess everyone has that feeling.

[annie24]

hm. maybe he got what he wanted and got out of there?

[stargirl1980]

Ok. It's been a month since he initially broke up with me, and he hasn't talked with me since. Which in hindsight, I don't think I can really blame him too much- 2 days after he broke up with me, I sent a very cruel and immature txt, just because I was so angry. He said after that he'd "rather not talk to me. You have some growing up to do." At the time, I thought he said it just because he was mad.

 

I suck at No Contact. The longest I could go was 5 days, and then I broke it to ask if he had a good Memorial Day weekend.

 

The last thing I said was on Friday- "Thanks for knocking some sense into me- I did need to 'grow up', and get over alot of stuff. A month, and I feel like a better person. I wish we could start fresh."

 

When he hadn't answered after a few hours, I sent another txt- "Ok. If you don't want to talk still, I'll respect your wishes. I meant what I said- I do like you alot. And the way you'd look in my eyes, I thought you felt the same way."

 

I don't know if I'm making things worse, or... For that matter, I don't even know what the real situation was anyway- he said he was too busy to get serious with anyone, but I don't know if that's a lie or not. I know he was working 40+ hours, and overtime...was always saying he was tired. He said he was attracted to me, then doesn't call for 2 weeks, before finally saying "don't want to lead you on into thinking we can be more than friends." It's so confusing, and aggravating.

 

If it's been a month, should I just give up any hope of him ever calling, and wanting to try to resume a relationship? We had a really great connection, lots of common interests... It seems like such a waste to not explore that.

[annie24]

i'd just let it go and move forward, it seems he has.

[stargirl1980]

i'd just let it go and move forward, it seems he has.

 

Yeah...I guess it bothers me, not knowing what his reasons were for leaving. Like, if it really was because he didn't have time right now, or what. We never really got to talk about it.

 

It sucks, I really miss him.

[eidetz]

Stargilr, please don't text or call him again. I went through the exact same situation and I did the exact same things for 3 months my ex had broken up with me (during that time I saw her twice - saw her drive by the park we both live close to - which made things worse and made me try to contact her again). But, I know exactely how you feel and please trust me that no good will come from contacting him again. Whenever I thought ok, now two weeks have gone by...or I hope she had a good Valentine's day etc... I thought I could write her a nice text and would get an answer. Towards the end I was only hoping for her to acknowledge me, but I never got a response. Everytime I got my hopes up and texted her and then was ignored again I just felt so much worse. Please listen to me and all the other people who post here and preach the same thing. I thought my situation was different and I thought she'd write back, but she didn't Just remember how you felt when you texted him and he didn't get back to you and then you sent him a follow-up... I now wish I would've never done any of that! Please don't do it! It's been 5 months for me and I haven't heard from her...and that's when we initially left on good terms. We would still be in touch if I would've been able to leave her alone for a few months... Give it time (I'm talking months), don't contact him...

[eidetz]

Yeah...I guess it bothers me, not knowing what his reasons were for leaving. Like, if it really was because he didn't have time right now, or what. We never really got to talk about it.

 

It sucks, I really miss him.

 

I never learned the real reason either and we might never understand. She initially just said she wasn't feeling it anymore...but that didn't make sense since it was a week after she had told me she was the luckiest girl in the world to have me in her life... and poof she was gone...

[stargirl1980]

I want to keep going with No Contact...I keep trying, but it feels so hard. Like part of me is afraid that he'll forget I ever existed.

 

And I don't know if he's avoiding me because he just really needs space, or if he hates me.

 

It'd be easier if I knew, in some way, how he felt. He'd said in the past that he was always honest with me...so part of me really wants to believe what he said- that he's "too busy to get serious with anyone". That this is all just because he's got too much else going on, and we can try again when his life settles down more.

 

But..I don't know. I just feel miserable.

[eidetz]

I really, really feel for you. I just felt (still do) exactely like you do right now. It really sucks, it's tough. The contact must come from him though, trust me. If you contact him you'll push him away and destroy the chance of ever being together again. I am in that position now, I contacted her too many times. We initially left on good terms and now she doesn't even talk to me anymore at all. I didn't say anything bad in my messages at all, but the constant attempts to get back in touch really pushes them away. Please don't make the same mistake I made, I feel worse now that I know I screwed it all up. I didn't think that was what I was doing when I was texting her...

[sunnyv]

hi star girl

 

i agree with eidetz. as hard as it is, as hard as it is, don't text him. if he wants to talk to you he will text you believe me he will. he knows this that is why he is not texting you. give him his space and his so called freedom. it sucks, i know. i did the same with my ex, i called texted, wrote letters, it onlly pushed her more away. now i haven't had contact in a month. it hurts believe me it hurts but i feel if she wants to talk to me she will find me.