Should I Even Bother?

[wilted]

We met when I was only 18 and I've been with my husband for seven years. We had a wonderful home, had started a little family with our pets, he was in line to inherit my family's business, and I honestly couldn't have been happier.

 

A few months ago, he started acting very erratic and there was clearly something troubling him. At first he claimed that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. Then he told my father that the real reason for his discontent was because he felt spiritually lost. Then a week after that, he told me that he wanted to establish a new career and go back to school because his industry was going down and he wasn't happy with his current employment.

 

Irrespective of the reasons that he offered me, I did everything that I could to support him. I offered to go to counselling with him. Both my father and myself provided him with things to read to try and help him. My father even offered to help him go back to school by allowing us to live rent-free. But he seemed so unmotivated. I thought maybe he was depressed.

 

He tried to tell me that every year he had struggled with whether or not he wanted to stay involved with me, but honestly this, for me, came out of left field, and never once had he made clear that he was struggling with his feelings for me.

 

He started to pick fights with me for no reason, and because I didn't want to poison our family environment, and also because he typically has been one who likes to spend time alone to resolve his personal conflicts, I asked him to find somewhere else to live temporarily, but made it clear that I was willing to do whatever it took to help him, to help us.

 

He told me that he was living with two couples. I thought that this could be good for him to see some other relationships to remind him that things are not always perfect, and I felt that maybe a little time apart would make him appreciate just how much we had together.

 

He wouldn't provide me with the contact information for where he was, but said that I could always reach him via email if I needed him for any reason. Though I wasn't particularly fond of this arrangement, I was trying to be supportive, and respectful of his desire for privacy.

 

Last Friday is when everything happened. He was supposed to come home and visit me later that night, and told me to contact him by email if I wanted to see him. It had been several hours, and I had not heard back from him. I started to get a bad feeling in my stomach. I went onto his facebook account and email (we always had each other's passwords for everything), and I discovered his love letters to another woman - a woman he claimed was merely one of his roommates at this new place, and who supposedly was involved with someone else.

 

I was devastated and I absolutely lost it. I immediately packed up all of his things, and sent him a message telling him that I never wanted to see him again.

 

I understand that people sometimes drift apart, and I could have accepted it (as much as it would have hurt), if he no longer had feelings for me, but there were two separate occasions in which I asked him if there was someone else when he started to act funny, and he denied it to my face, told me that he loved me, and that if we should ever part, that he could never be with another.

 

In my search for answers I came accross his journal. I had always known that it had existed, but never read it out of respect for him. I discovered that throughout our entire relationship he has been addicted to drugs, and was hiding this from me. In addition, there were several entries which implied that this was not the first time he was with another woman.

 

Despite all of this, I still desperately love him. I know it's pathetic, but I believed him when he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I believed him when he said we were soulmates and that I changed him mind about marriage. I have never felt the pain that I did when I came accross his love letters in which he referred to her as "my love", and told her that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her - words that were once reserved for me.

 

I am feeling so confused about this entire ordeal. I am repulsed by what he has done, but miss him so much that it hurts. At the same time, as much as I'd like to believe that he loved me, I have to come to terms with the fact that he was leading a double life.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm trying to let go, but I keep convincing myself that he'll return to me. I know that in my weakened emotional state, I would take him back. He was it for me - I never wanted to get married more than once, and I honestly believed that we'd be together forever. We had so much for the future. His family loved me, and mine him. None of this makes sense. I don't know why he'd throw this all away.

 

I have been reading up on drug addictions and it seems to me that his habit stems from a few different places: 1) he has seriously unresolved issues from his childhood 2) his conflict resolution style has always been one of escapism in which he takes off for days and never addresses his issues - consequently he gets stressed out very easily and cannot adequately handle it 3) I believe that he has low self-esteem and self-worth because he never felt fully loved as a child - just like the drugs give him a temporary high/ego boost, I believe that he's using sex/promiscuity for the same reason. 4) Finally, he has always lacked spirituality and has floated from one thing to the next seeking grounding. I don't believe that he is a happy person, and it seems to me that he is doing things to externalize a sense of happiness because he feels empty on the inside.

 

From reading his journals, it became highly apparent to me that he is in denial of his condition. While he called his drug use a vice and a dependency, he denied being an addict, and in fact, spoke of addicts as being losers.

 

Any words of wisdom you can offer would be appreciated. I am so utterly devastated. He even had the audacity to take OUR dogs and give them to her.

 

Hopelessly devoted

[LBP]

Only regret can change the nature of man... For his own good, you must give him something to regret. Make a stand against this selfish, selfish person.

[loulee]

Quote I don't know what to do. I'm trying to let go, but I keep convincing myself that he'll return to me. I know that in my weakened emotional state, I would take him back.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this pain. I can see that you trusted your husband and all of this much be such a huge emotional shock

When I read your post I knew within the first paragraph that your husband had another women with clarity although of course I couldnt be definite about it..

But that is just one reason why we shouldnt make decisions about our life and our future whilst we are in the peak of our hurt and emotional turmoil

You need some time to absorb all of this and make decisions later when you feel more sound and stable in your mind and with your feelings..Your feelings are going to change enormously from week to week that is why taking some time to re evaluate is critical for you.

It is natural for your first reaction to be anger hurt and then fear. FEAR of losing someone we love forever becomes so heightened that we would do just about anything to get them back..Often this includes losing our own sense of self respect and self worth and compromising our values and morals..

Write down your thoughts how you feel about loyalty, trust, fidelity, drugs, liars, emotional support etc within any relationship particularly yours

then list all of these words. Write down next to them every action and incident that your husband has compromised these things within your relationship..

Then make another list about what you really need for future happiness within a relaltionship and waht you would never compromise and live without.

You are currently in the rescuer stage.YOU want to FIX your husband and help him because of your heightened emotions. I can clearly see he doesnt need help nor want it. he makes things happen for himself and does this quite well. often with other women. This takes planning, it is not an impulsive thing to betray and cheat on your partner. at least not in this case..and it has been more than once.

What is your partner doing in regards to being supportive of the hurt he has caused you right this minute?? any thing??..Is he being considerate of the pain he has inflicted upon you right now or is he still doing for himself foremost to feel better.(he took the dogs!!!) He sounds passive aggressive to me, and extremely selfish. take this time ..have no contact with him..yes its hard..stop thinking he is lost and he needs you to help him..Start being selfish as he currently is and think about yourself now and just you...The stronger you are and the less tolerant you are of him and his betrayals will be far more attractive than a partner begging literally after alll this..keep your dignity..have no contact for a while...try and see all of these problems for what they really are..You cannot fix him..not at all....only he can do that..but you can fix "you" and right now you are the most important person here...so start doing for you....and reassess how you feel from week to week and do not make any decisions for him about him OR to try and help him....just do what you need to do for you..take your time..you have plenty of this..and use it wisely..all the best to you.....

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am sorry that you had to go through this. At least you are now released from this. I would suggest you make photocopies of his diary in case he gets nasty in a divorce. I would suggest you file for divorce now and make sure you get tested for STDs. You love the man you thought he was, not who he turned out to be. It will take you a while to reconcile that..but in the meantime you need to take the bull by the horns and do what is necessary to get him out of your life for good. It is sad that he took the dogs but you can always get another dog.

 

he was in line to inherit my family's business

I find this rather troubling. Why would HE inherit your family's business. That inheritance should be strictly yours, not his, ever, even if the marriage was fine. One never knows how a marriage will turn out years down the road. An inheritance should not go to the spouse, it should go to the family...a spouse is only family by marriage and if there is a divorce, the ex spouse is no longer family.

[Rabican]

Make copies or printouts of anything you can regarding his cheating, drug use etc. You can use that in the case of a divorce. I would go so far as to take his journal... and tell him I burned it. Id save it for divorce court though. You can give it back to him there. After you tell the judge what hes doing behind your back.

 

In my opinion... a one time thing (cheating) can maybe sometimes be forgiven... I wouldnt forgive an ongoing affair, the lying, deciet etc. that hes putting you through now.

[SamiJayne]

I'd get out if I was you.

 

If my partner did this to me, God I'd be deverstated. I really feel for you I think you should talk to your dad, he seems like a level headed guy. He can advice you, so you can think with your head , rather than your heart.

 

He lies, he's cheated. He's made your life a living hell, so you had to remove him. Which seems to have been his plan so he can shack up with some girl of his.

 

Just seems like he was using you for a free ride. =(