My emotion is back again...

[boomandvibe]

There is a girl I know from a church. Three years ago, we talked for hours on the phone and we ended up liking each other. Pastor prevented us from going out together and she wanted to listen to the pastor. We are just friends. I have stopped going to that church for about year and a half after she told me that she doesn't like me anymore. But I started going there again recently. Today, the kids at church all hung out together, and I saw her too. As soon as I saw her, my heart was pounding hard again.

 

But that's not the problem. There are new guys at church and this one guy (who is 1 year younger than her) kept going wherever she was. He would sit next to her and have fun conversations with her. The guy started going to the church few weeks ago. It looked like she really enjoyed his company. Whenever I saw them laugh together, I felt jealousy and bitterness that I felt before, when she told me to stop talking to her.

 

When we talk, we are completely fine. She smiles and laughs with me too. I'm just not comfortable with the fact that she is so comfortable talking with other guys and she often chats with guys. This, in turn, makes me jealous and insecure.

 

I want to figure her out. But she's too mysterious. She says she is shy but how can a shy girl be so comfortable with guys? She did mention to me that she is more comfortable with guys than girls but why wasn't she comfortable with me in the beginning? Or not as comfortable as the guy that was following her? (He was sitting next to her constantly talking)

 

I don't want to wait till she makes her decision. (whether she wants to be in a relationship with me or not when pastor allows) If she doesn't want to, then I'll only get hurt more than before. But at the same time, I don't want to be in a relationship with some other girl because she may not be okay with me afterwards. I need help. I need a man's opinion. I've been seeking answers through the bible and prayer but I am only human. I need a human's opinion on this matter please.

 

Thank you for your time.

[Capricorn3]

She told you she "didn't like you anymore". You say you haven't been to the church for about a year and a half. Now you are back and thinking she'll want a relationship with you? I don't think you should put your hopes too high and quite some time has passed and things have changed for both of you.

 

Just because she was chatting to some other guys is no reason to get all jealous. She has no connection to you anymore and is free to talk to whoever she pleases.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by the "pastor prevented you from going out with her"?? Can you clarify this for us please?

[boomandvibe]

Thanks for your reply. Ouch that hurts but it is true. Thanks for giving me an insight on the matter. It actually makes me feel better.

 

There was one thing I forgot to put in: we still talked sometimes on the phone. during that 1 year and a half period.

And she knows that I still like her. I've been going to that church again for some time now.

 

Also, to clarify the pastor thing: pastor pretty much convinced most people at church not to date because we are not ready. (maturity, financial support for your spouse, etc)

 

The thing I hate the most is that I can't let it go for some reason when she did with no problem. I tried so much for that year and a half period. But she seems to be doing well.

[Capricorn3]

I didn't mean to sound so harsh - my apologies.

 

I wasn't aware that a pastor can decide who people should talk to or not, or who can date or not. That's very strange (imo). If you don't mind me asking, what church do you go to? What country do you live in? I'm just trying to figure out if it's a cultural thing.

[boomandvibe]

I live in US and I go to a methodist church. The pastor doesnt decide the relationship matters. He just taught us that relationship without being ready is useless.

 

But based on the added facts i posted above, what is your opinion on the matter?

[Sparchitecht]

Slowing down, taking deep breaths and realizing that this isn't going to get away on you unless you let it would be a first recommendation.

 

At the risk of sounding harsh, while you're slowing down and trying to relax and see the world from outside your hormonally-supercharged head, remember that you're young and have a whole lot of physical and mental transitioning to do yet before you land at a stable point in your life. Try sitting on the side lines and watching others your age go through petty struggles like this and see where they've come out based on their decisions and actions. This site is a good place to do that. I've caught myself giving good advice a dozen or more times on this forum and had to tell myself, "Oh crap, that's exactly the same thing that I'm dealing with, and that's exactly what I need to be told, but ARRH! I really, really didn't wan't to admit it, but it's kind of hard not to now that I'm sitting here telling someone else in my shoes how to get out of the same mess I'm in."

 

At last, do some reading on psychology and seek out topics dealing with your sort of problems (it's not like there hasn't been a million books published on this sort of thing since the dawn of book publishing. That and the internet [whatever that is] is full of the same stuff as well). And no, the bible doesn't really seem to count as a ready source of concrete relationship knowledge. It's great if you're looking for clandestine passages requiring a great deal of interpretation, but it still seems then to go this-a-way and then that-a-way depending on what you make of it. Never got me out of an emotional bind, although there is a chapter in Corinthians that told me step-by-step how to repair the alternator in my car.

[boomandvibe]

Thank you for your honest reply. That didn't offend me at all.

 

Yea that makes alot of sense. I mean I see some people at church having problems in relationships and I was always thinking 'why don't they know? Isn't it obvious?'

 

I actually did read some books on relationship problems. They didn't help me enough I think. But I've started reading other people's posts and I think this is kind of helping me by letting me know that there are millions of people out there with the same problem.

[boomandvibe]

So do you think it would be alright to look for other girls? Try to get into a real relationship? Or does that just ruin my chances with her?

 

Also, she used to like a guy (the guy liked her too) during her high school years but he died in a car accident.... What does that say about the girl?

 

Last quetion: according to my friends who knew the guy i mentioned above, she often changed her mind, saying she liked him one day and didnt like him another day.

What does that also tell about her?

 

Thanks in advance.

[Sparchitecht]

So do you think it would be alright to look for other girls? Try to get into a real relationship? Or does that just ruin my chances with her?

 

Off-the-cuff answer: get out there and live your life relationship-wise and every other way. The man sitting on the sidelines is the only one who never catches the ball.

 

In hair-splitting honesty, this depends on what's going on in her head, and only she can speak to this. If she thinks that you two are 'for' each other and it's just a matter of time and that you've already devoted yourself to her and no one else, then yeah, she may see this as a break in some sense, but it all depends on what she does and doesn't assume, and communication is key. If she's got extreme or inappropriate expectations in this vein as well, you may need to consider whether or not you even want to be going after someone who thinks in such a pattern, anyway.

 

 

 

Also, she used to like a guy (the guy liked her too) during her high school years but he died in a car accident.... What does that say about the girl?

 

It says she liked a guy who died in a car accident.

 

It may also mean that she's a robot from another planet sent here to collect samples of carpet for research and development back home, but that's just speculation on my part, and it's impossible to be accurate without more evidence to interpret with.

 

OK, so that may have been an unfair poke at your manner of wording your questions, but the point is you can't try to read details of people's psyche into broad aspects of their life this way. If it were possible we wouldn't train psychologists, we'd just have computers analyze people's histories and make recommendations on that alone.

 

Last quetion: according to my friends who knew the guy i mentioned above, she often changed her mind, saying she liked him one day and didnt like him another day.

What does that also tell about her?

 

That she's female.

 

OK, no, that's sexist. But no, again, you can't really read much of anything into this other than that she had trouble sticking with the same story, according to second-hand sources of this data.

 

It could mean:

 

- She's flaky.

- She's manipulative.

- She's wishy-washy.

- She has trouble interpreting and communicating.

- She believes she is a robot from another planet.

- She didn't want to sound like she seriously liked him.

- She didn't want the rumor to get around to you.

- She didn't want the rumor to get back to her home planet.

- She fell in and out of love on a daily basis.

- She was confused.

- She is confused.

- She may become confused from time to time.

- She may become confused when faced with emotional questioning.

- She may become confused when faced with something shiny.

- She mis-interpreted the question.

- She gave a mis-interpretable answer.

- She did not intend to nod but tripped on a rabbit.

- She is giving this data under duress.

- She has ulterior motives.

- She was on the like/don't like verge with him.

- She was attempting to delete an earlier post.

- She wasn't sure if she was thinking of the same guy they were.

- She didn't care what they thought so answered randomly for fun.

- She wants to keep everyone on their feet and confused.

- She is actually Ernest Borgnine.

- She is young and not sure what she wants but talks regardless.

 

Are you getting what I'm illustrating or shall I continue? :scramble:

[boomandvibe]

hahaha that was funny. Thank you again for your reply.

 

About the car accident, I don't even know what I meant to say.... I think part of it was deleted and then it somehow became an incoherent sentence....

 

But yea I guess I am thinking too much into it. Thank you again