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So sad on the inside


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I have posted numerous times about feeling lonely being that my ex husband left over 3.5 years ago and I have no children and live by myself at 45. As I stated in other threads I took the time to heal after he left and did not date anyone. I took 2 years to do this after he left. But it has been over 1.5 years that I have really wanted to date and in that time frame I asked a man out at work that was single but he said he was kinda seeing someone and left the company a couple of days after asking him out via email. I have tried online dating services and going to some churches and they never work out. I had a crush on another man at work be he ended up being married but he did not wear a ring until recently and never mentioned a wife.

 

I have been feeling so sad lately and it is so hard to come home from work to an empty townhouse every night. I grew up in a big family but now I am alone a lot. I have a disability and walk with a cane so I can do too much physical activity which so depresses me because I miss ice skating and tap dancing. But everytime I go to work all the woman keep talking about their lives and when we are all leaving they are on their cell phone with their boyfriends/husbands. I get upset going home and then after a while I think to myself all will be ok and to just go to work and be happy for everyone because of course it is not their fault that my life is the way it is. Well this past week something has happened that has never happened before. Like I said I would go to work and have the best intentions in my head and today I saw a co-worker that I have not seen in a while and she was talking about her boyfriend and how happy she is. She has been divorced for about 7 months and she met up with this guy from her past. I smiled and asked her a few things and she was so happy that I was asking her about it. Well all of a sudden DEEP down inside of me my heart and soul started screaming just how sad I am. I tried to say in my head to make it stop but it was so over powering. It was like my heart and sould were separate from my thought and my thoughts could not make the hurt go away. Does this make sense to anyone and did any of you experience this? I just don't know if I am making myself clear and it is hard to put into words.

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I'm sorry you are feeling so sad and alone.

 

I have had moments like this before:

 

Well all of a sudden DEEP down inside of me my heart and soul started screaming just how sad I am. I tried to say in my head to make it stop but it was so over powering. It was like my heart and sould were separate from my thought and my thoughts could not make the hurt go away. Does this make sense to anyone and did any of you experience this? I just don't know if I am making myself clear and it is hard to put into words.

 

but for different reasons, but I can relate to the overall experience.

 

It's sort of an emotional catharsis. I find that it happens if I am not taking enough time for myself or if I am not beng true to myself in some way.

 

Maybe then, when you asked her about her new relationship- you were not really being true to yourself either. You did what was socially "right" in the situation, but deep down you didn't need or want to know.

 

just go to work and be happy for everyone because of course it is not their fault that my life is the way it is.

 

I find that any time I put on what I call a "plastic smile" .... I don't feel true to myself.

 

Just food for thought.....

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I remember your posts, which is a rarity for me to remember someone (really). I don't really know what to say to comfort you. I'm sure it's hard getting over being left by someone, especially a husband whose supposed to be with you for life. But some guys are fly by night even if they promise more, he'll have to face God one day and that's the only rectification I can give you.

 

As far as dating, well it's not easy being single and finding someone is even harder but it can be done. You just have to keep on putting yourself out there, so people know you're available. Tell your friends, co-workers, etc. Let them know your single and looking. They just may know someone whose looking for someone like you. Use your network to find a companion.

 

Good luck, I hope soon you're writing here sharing stories of your relationship.

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im so sorry to hear this. it makes total sense, im sure id feel the same way.

 

but you need to be happy, we all need to be happy! whats your disability? could you meet people through a support group? maybe go out to a bar? im not saying that the finest people can always be found there... but go out, have a drink, and strike up some conversation maybe? even if you dont find a good candidate its fun to flirt and share stories...

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I'm going through something very similar as you. I work alone and I come home to an apartment with just my dog every night. I've tried online dating and hate it. Some days go by where I don't have contact with a single human (I work with animals) except via email or text. I have lots of friends and great ones and I see them often, but it's not taking the place of a boyfriend. I miss the affection, being told I'm pretty, someone holding my hand.

 

It's hard to have patience. That's the most difficult thing to handle...being patient that something will happen for me eventually.

 

The best advice i can give is not to get caught up in the "nevers"...don't say it'll never happen or you'll never be happy. Try to be patient. That's advice for you and me both.

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Thank you for your responses. I guess I was trying to pretend to appear I was at least normally happy for my co-worker because I really like her and she is a nice, sweet person. All my co-workers know my situation and they all say they don't know anyone I could date. I know I have to be true to myself but I have to do that when I am outside of work because otherwise it would effect my work and my co-workers would turn away from me.

 

I really wish not to go to bars by myself. There are no local support groups that would help me but I go to a few online support groups for CRPS.

 

To tell you a little more about my past- I dated a lot in my 20's but did not have any real long term relationships and not a lot of sex although I have a very high sex drive. When I was 30 I met a man I had a 2 year relationship with that ended with him leaving me for someone he ended up marrying and divorcing her down the line. Then when I was almost 35 I met a man at work and we fell in love so hard and we got engaged 1 year later. When I first started going out with him is when I got into a serious car accident which put me in a wheelchair for 5 years. I developed CRPS (formally RSD) and did not know it was going to be permanent. So we got married and he was supporting both of us while I was learning how to walk again. To make a VERY long story short I got so depressed from being in pain all the time and losing my independence from not being able to walk and my ex was trying to get a promotion at work which he did not for over 2 years. I drained my life saving because I could not work and my ex go so stressed out from trying to support us. My answer was looking for an at home job and his answer was to be with a co-worker of his. I found a real at home job and that meant he could stop working overtime but he left me for her. I was so heart broken and did not see it coming. Like I said I took time to heal from him leaving but now I am much older, broke and can't walk too much without being in pain.

 

OMG sorry that was so long I could have gone on and on about it. Thank you all for listening I really appreciate being able to come here at eNotAlone.

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Hi Winter,

 

I can totally relate to how you feel. I have many good friends, and we go out often and have fun. But at the end of the night, it is hard coming home alone. I've been online dating as well-I have no problem finding someone to date, but none of these dates has led to much. Let's see, I had a younger guy who said he wasn't using me for sex, but the way he disrespected me pretty much confirmed that he was...so many guys just seem to want me for sex. I dress nicely, and I'm flirtatious and playful-that's just my nature-but that doesn't mean I like being used. I'm so incredibly frustrated about this.

 

My ex I was with for 2 yrs who is much younger kept trying to get me back...because I've been lonely for a relationship and i'm so frustrated with the dating scene, and because I do love him, I've been trying to work things out with him, even tho he's got some serious issues. I just keep getting hurt and don't know how much I can take, though.

 

I don't know what's worse--continuing to get hurt, or going back to the way things were before, with this empty lonely void in my soul that you describe so well in your post. Yes, I do things for me-I work out, I take classes to be fulfilled and healthy and nurture my mind...but, at the end of the day, it doesn't mean much to me w/out someone to share my life with.

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It's hard to be happy for people when you don't have what htey have. Remember though that you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Every relationship has some sort of issue and some people are really good at hiding what it is while pretending they are happy. So don't compare your situation to anyone else's b/c you really don't know what the true story is unless you're a fly on their wall!

 

My sister is married and pregnant. I'm so thrilled that she's happy but I'm insanely jealous too. Not the baby thing but the marriage thing. She and her husband are very happy but I know they go through things--every marriage does. So I try to stop comparing myself to her.

 

Remember everyone has their own path and we all move along our paths at different paces.

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I am so sorry about your ex. What a coward. Reminds me of my exhusband. He left me when I had a medication reaction that landed me in the hospital.

 

These kind of stories make me so angry. It amazes me how many people abandon partners when that partner gets sick. On the flip side you have the story of Ryan O'Neal and Farrah Fawcett who were no longer a couple but here he is doing everything he can to take care of her and support her during her lengthy and terminal illness.

 

Sometimes I too feel the burden of being alone. It is hard to see others who can bounce out of a divorce and straight into a new relationship...but then again those kind of people often can't be alone and will 'fall in love" with anyone in order to not be alone. The happiness has more to do with having someone, anyone, than really being in love with the other person. Being alone all the time does get depressing after a while..but then I remind myself that it is better to be alone than to be in a miserable relationship.

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sandrawg I am so sorry you were left like that and I know how it feels. I blamed myself for a long time that it was my fault he left because I was so depressed being in pain all the time and going out of my mind not being able to work. I actually apologized to him for all the things I did that I shouldn't have but he never apologized for anything but said in the end that he knows he was a coward. But sandrawg I hope you were able to move on, heal and find some happiness.

 

CAD I was thinking about what you said about people getting out of divorces and being able to find another relationship. I was talking to my one of my girlfriends and her sister in law was married but she caught her husband cheating and they got divorced. I think about 1 year later she met a man who lived accross the street from one of her friends and now she is married to him and he is a great guy. I hear a lot of stories about this but a lot of them end up being a great ending. So many woman at work seem to be able to find men within 3 months after their relationships end. I think to myself they are going from one to another but are they happy? But after a while I think what is better not being with anyone for years and years and wanting to or being in the company of men for most of the time. Most of the woman I talking about were in long term relationships of about 2-4 years but are able to find other long term relationship shortly after. It's funny because most woman in my department don't think these woman are desperate from going from one to another in just a few months but one night we were all talking about how we need some testosterone in our department because we are all woman. My supervisor mentioned this one really gorgeous man was being interviewed but he was not hired. I said "oh darn, I am a trainer" and a few of the woman said "down girl". That really made me very mad. I have not been with anyone for almost 4 years and I am considered the "desperate" one? I bet none of the woman would be able to go as long as I have without someone. They all talk about their lives and men and I talk about the weather. It seems a lot of them are sick of me talking about the weather but what if I told them I am sick of hearing about their men? That is all I have to talk about that is the passion in my life.

 

Ok I am done! Thank you again for listening.

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Yes, the ones who go from partner to partner will look at the still single one as desperate..not taking a good long look at themselves and how they couldn't last 5 minutes being single and alone. These people rarely see their own desperation. However if their new relationship split up they would be out there pounding the pavement desperately looking for someone new. I have seen it many times before.

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Seen it? I've done it

 

Winter, can you maybe find a class you're interested in...might give you an opportunity to meet guys, and also you'll have something else you can talk about to those wenches in your office

 

Yes, the ones who go from partner to partner will look at the still single one as desperate..not taking a good long look at themselves and how they couldn't last 5 minutes being single and alone. These people rarely see their own desperation. However if their new relationship split up they would be out there pounding the pavement desperately looking for someone new. I have seen it many times before.
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Maybe the answer is to not think so much about what's happening with other people, but turn your focus inward. Why are you going home after work every night? There must be something you're interested in doing. There is a huge world out there and lots of potential people to meet. It's up to all of us to change our own lives and to make opportunities happen.

 

I don't really believe that people who are able to rebound quickly and find another partner after a relationship ends are necessarily unhealthy. I think they are more open to the idea of being with someone, and that is something that others sense. I am not that way myself, but am trying to learn how to be that way. It's a lot better than being miserable when something ends, that's for sure.

 

Take this time to really figure out who you are and what you want from your life, and start interacting with the world.

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Actually I get out of work at 9:00 pm and have to come home. But I don't think it would have been a good idea for me to jump into another relationship after my ex husband left me. We were married for 5 years and together for 8 years. But I do wonder sometimes if I took too much time before wanting to date again. My greatest passion is the weather and in June one of our local meteorologist is going to one of our local libraries and is going to do a presentation about weather and then have a question, answer and comment session. I got the time off from work approved today. I write to this meteorolgist every year and he will know who I am. This is for adults and it would be so great to meet a man so into the weather like I am. I would love to date a meteorologist that would be fun!

 

I have a best friend I have know since I was 5. She is the only single friend I have and believe it or not she has not dated for 15 years. She was hurt so bad 15 years ago and just can't move on from it. When we do go out I can't talk about men because she gets mad. I feel so bad for her and have tried to help her but she is too afraid to move on. I don't want to be like that. I want a relationship and I am glad I can say that.

 

Thank you all again for your support!

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