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Here we go again. Some words of wisdom, please? :)


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UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM OF THREAD...

 

Hello, all. First, I want to say how happy I am that I found this forum. It seems like a really great, supportive place that I hope to become a regular visitor of.

 

I'm in need a of a little advice/perspective/whatever you want to give me. Sorry if this post gets a little long, I'll try to at least keep the details relevant. Here goes:

 

I met my boyfriend(?) almost four years ago, when we were 18. We started dating and had a pretty rough relationship, mostly due to the fact that we were young and immature. We fought all the time, but really did love each other. About a year and a half into it, he broke up with me. I was completely devastated. It was a pretty long break up process, you know how that goes. We pretty much broke up, and he strung me along for a few months, calling me for sex and then ignoring me about everything else. He was a total d-bag. Finally, I got sick of it and told him to get lost. This all happened pretty much exactly two years ago.

 

While we were broken up, we didn't speak, but he did text me a few times randomly. I certainly had no intentions of getting back together with him, although I did still love him. We both saw other people and I was gradually healing from the awful break up.

 

About four months after the initial break up, we got in touch again, through mutual friends which was sort of a planned thing. He had been texting me, telling me he was thinking about me, blah, blah, blah. At that point, I knew where this was going - he was going to try to get me back. And he did try, and it worked. We got back together and everything has been amazing for the last almost two years since that happened. His explanation for his behavior during the breakup, and the reason for the breakup, was that he was horribly depressed and didn't know what to do, and I accepted that, although it did take a while for me to fully trust that he wouldn't do it again. We both became closer to each other and each other's families, and really made each other a big part of our lives. It was a great, healthy relationship and I was very happy. Of course there were ups and downs, but that's normal.

 

A few weeks ago, we both acknowledged that things were a little weird between us. We both felt a little distant from one another, we both had a lot going on. I just chalked it up to a little rut that we were in, something we could work through. He suggested we go on a break. He said that he wanted it to make us stronger, for us to both gain some perspective on the relationship and just take some time to work things out. He also promised that he would not be a jerk like he was when we broke up. Personally, I didn't think that taking a break would help "distance" issues, but I reluctantly went along with it, because it sounded like he was sincere about making it work. In a further conversation where we made the break "official," he said he felt like the relationship was stalled, which I agree with. It's stalled mainly due to the fact that we've been together for so long and still can't live together, due to us working and going to school in separate states (although I wouldn't call this an LDR, as we typically saw each other 5ish days a week.) He also mentioned that he wanted to spend more time at work, so he could make and save more money, which would ultimately help us to be able to live together sooner.

 

Well, he kept his promise and wasn't a jerk - at first. About a week into the break, he came over to hang out with me. We had a really amazing night. It was just a weeknight, so he came over after work and we went out for a few drinks and talked for a while. We didn't talk about the relationship, but I figured that was a good thing, since I preferred to keep things casual. He came back to my place, and we had (amazing) sex, which he initiated. (Neither of us were drunk, we had only had a few beers.) In addition to this, I gave him a letter that I had written him, in which I basically poured my heart out about one particular subject that I knew had been bothering him. (I'm going through a sort of family crisis, and he had expressed a few times that it bothered him that I never talked about my feelings in regard to that, so that's what the letter was about.) He seemed to really appreciate the letter and the effort that I put into it a lot. He mentioned that he missed me, as well. He stayed over as planned, and in the morning we had sex again (he initiated it that time, too.) When he left, he seemed really happy and I was feeling really good about everything.

 

About ten hours later, after not even having spoken to him since he left (Throughout the break, I didn't really initiate any contact with him) he called me and said he didn't feel right. He sounded really upset. I could literally feel my body numbing as he told me that, but I kept my calm and tried to talk to him rationally. He basically said that he wanted to break up, but he wouldn't actually say the words. He kept saying that he didn't want to lose me, he wanted us to remain close and he kept apologizing. When I asked him what the hell had happened in the hours since I saw him and he was so happy, he said he didn't know, and that he felt great when he was with me, but then felt like something wasn't right once he wasn't with me. I asked him if he was just going to do the same thing again - break my heart because he's having his own problems that he can't deal with and then try to get me back in a few months when he realizes how stupid he was. He said he didn't know. I told him that I didn't really know what he wanted from me, and I would call him the next day after I had cleared my head.

 

So, I cleared my head, and I talked to my mom and a few trustworthy friends, who all suggested the same thing, which is that he's depressed about other things in his life, and taking it out on me. And I think that's pretty spot-on. He had told me that he was really depressed about school because he didn't know what he was doing, he's really behind, all his friends are graduating and he's not, he's stressed about money, he hates his job, etc. And it seems to me like the one thing in his life that he can change right now is his relationship with me, so that's what he did.

 

When I called him the next day, I brought up all those things. I told him that I thought he was really being irrational and that he should think these things over. I mentioned that we had only been on a break for a week, and I didn't feel like he had really even given that a chance. He said it didn't "feel" like a break, because we had had sex. (And, once again, he had initiated it, so that was infuriating to me.) I was really calm throughout that conversation and made it clear that I was not in any way begging him to change his mind, but that I was concerned for him because I thought he was just going through a bad time and making a bad decision and I want him to be happy. He said he appreciated my suggestions and that he would do some more thinking. He also said that "if we're meant to be, we'll be" which pissed me off quite a bit because I hate cliches and also I feel like that really means, "when HE wants to be, we'll be."

 

That was just over a week ago, and we haven't really talked much since then. He was supposed to come over one night this past week, but said he couldn't make it. He then suggested we hang out during the weekend, and I said that would be fine. I got in touch with him on Friday morning to see what his plans were. He said he had a lot going on, but that he was trying to include me in his plans, and that maybe we should aim for Sunday and that he would definitely let me know by Saturday. Well, it's Sunday night and I haven't heard a word from him since Friday. Nice.

 

I just feel so stupid right now. I don't deserve this at all. I feel like I've done literally everything that I can. I've given him his space, I've remained cool and calm and I even poured my heart out to him in that letter. I also reminded him that I am graduating college in only eight months and that after that, I can move wherever the hell I want, and we can finally live together. I'm doing pretty well given the circumstances, but there are still days, like today, where I wake up literally shaking because it hurts so badly.

 

I don't know what I should do. Should I be trying to move on? Should I give him a little more time? The tough thing here is that I KNOW that he's going to change his mind, eventually. Because this has happened before. I know what's going on here, he's depressed and pushing me away because of it. And I really do love this man, he is someone I could see myself with for a very long time, and because of that, I'm willing to put up with a certain amount of his BS, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm being taken for granted, and right now I certainly am.

 

This is further complicated by the fact that I live with two of his best friends, who are from the same town as him. I actually met him through these two friends, and we've become pretty close through the years. So, when I say that he "came over" - it usually doesn't mean just to hang out with me, it also means to hang out with our mutual friends who live here. This makes things worse because we have the same friends, go to the same places, etc. and now I don't know if I should try to avoid those people and places, or what?

 

I'm considering going home to my parents' house for a few months, to clear my head. I don't know if that's a good idea or not.

 

Literally, anything you have to say would be greatly appreciated. I'm so frustrated. Thank you!

UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM...

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Hey girl!

 

Just hang in there. It sounds like you're a pretty strong woman so you'll get through this, no matter how hard it is. I broke up with my ex almost 2 months ago and I found this quote which has helped me so much and I hope it will help you too...

 

"Fearless is not the absence of fear. Its not being completely unafraid. Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. Fearless is living in spirt of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is getting up and fighting for what you want over and over again... Even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. Its fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even know you can't breathe without them. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think its fearless to stop believing them. I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright... That's fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after because LOVE IS FEARLESS."

 

Remember to just hang in there and don't focus on the negative. Go out and enjoy being with your friends, go shopping, get your nails, anything that'll make you happy! You should be the number one priority in your life right now!

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Wow! Your whole story sounds complicated and difficult.

 

For some people (and this may not nessicarily be him), they associate thier girlfriend's or boyfriend's with the negativity in their life. Maybe he is distancing himself from you because of that.

 

However, it does definatly sound like he is taking his depression issues out on you and you don't deserve that. I think you are doing all the right things by giving him his space and keeping your cool; the more you freak out the more he'll undoubtidly pull away. And you're probably right when you say he'll just want you back in a few months.

 

What he needs to understand is that he can have a stable and happy relationship with you despite the issues he's having in his life. You are not an issue and hopefully are not adding to his, and I don't think he quite understands that.

 

The problem here is that you'll probably never get him to realize this because he has to have the epiphan on his own. unfortunately, that will take time and at that point its up to you whether you want to accept him back in your life or not.

 

Maybe when he does want you back, instead of imediatly saying yes, try to build on your friendship. In fact, that may be a good thing to start doing now.

 

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders so definatly try to trsut your insticts.

 

Hope that helped and PM me any time if you want to chat

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Yeah, DEPRESSION. It creates distance, you respond to it by becoming distance.

 

Stick with it if you can as depression is a scary place to go. ANYTHING that makes you feel better (including sex, but not usually the effort one has to go to to get emotional intimacy) you pursue.

 

He does love you from what you write. But if you decide to be with him this may well be a lifelong problem. Make sure he is on meds if you can and tell him you will be there for him at the other side if you truly care for him.

 

And others are right, go out and try to do other stuff while this is happening.

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Thanks, guys. Well, he called me this morning and left a voicemail apologizing for not getting in touch with me like he said he would. He didn't make a lame excuse or anything, just said he was sorry, and that he didn't want to be a jerk. He asked me to call or text him, but I haven't yet. I'm trying to decide whether I should do it tonight or wait until tomorrow. I want to talk to him, but well, I don't really have anything to say and I'm worried it'll just end up with me upset, which isn't what I want. Sigh.

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Still_Smiling...

 

I'd take my time on this one. He has been messing you around each time you have so quickly agreed to meet-up times.

 

I would take some time for your own self, not to game play, but both because you say you don't really have anything to say at the moment, & you don't want to get more upset right now. So I'd just keep to yourself until you feel a little stronger.

 

At the same time that just happens to make it so that you are not being at his beck & call on his whim & at your emotional expense.

 

If he texts/calls you can always tell him that you are just taking some needed time for you that you require as well. At the same time it truly honors the "break" you were going to take. It seems you both hadn't really taken much of a break as discussed.

 

So yes, I'd just get back to him when you felt ready, after taking a really good amount of time to think & reflect....

 

Peaceful wishes to you....

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UPDATE-

 

He invited me to spend the long weekend (Memorial Day) with him and our friends in their hometown. I went and tried really hard not to have any expectations, but obviously I wasn't very good at that. I was hoping, in the back of my mind, that he would have tried to tell me that he wanted to work things out. That didn't happen. He wasn't a jerk to me or anything, but I couldn't help being sad for a lot of the weekend, although I think I did a pretty good job of disguising it. Apparently he's just been hanging out with his friends a lot, and it was kind of difficult for me to hear about things they did the weekend before that didn't include me. Our friends were around for the bast majority of the time we were together, so we didn't even really talk much and when we were alone, it was a little awkward. I actually talked more about it to two of our friends than I did to him, because they asked me about it. The first friend was really sweet and told me that he cared about me and I could call him anytime. The second is one of my roommates who I've been able to talk to throughout this whole thing, although he doesn't seem to know what is going on any more than I do. He said that he was being an idiot. (I agree!) The first night we slept separately, the second night we slept in the same bed but nothing happened. The third night, which was last night, our friends all left early and we went up in his room and put on a movie.

 

I didn't want to make things more difficult or emotional, but I just didn't feel like I could leave in the morning, after spending three days with him, and not have anything be different. I have no idea what I was looking for, I suppose it was just peace of mind whether it came in the form of a reassurance from him or closure or just...something. I couldn't leave without anything. So, I initiated the conversation that had been avoided for a few days. I asked him what was going on and he really didn't want to talk about it, but eventually did. He said we were broken up for the moment, and I told him that I needed to know what was going on in his head, that he couldn't just decided when we were and weren't together on a whim because he is not the only person involved in this.

 

We talked, sort of. But nothing really got said. He told me he loved me, but he didn't want to be together right now. Then he reached out to me and held me close to his chest, which was basically the first physical contact we had had all weekend. We just laid there for a while and we both got emotional, but didn't say anything. Then we both got up, and went outside to smoke a cigarette and calm down, but we did so in separate places.

 

When he both came back to his room, he told me he really, really loved me and he didn't want to lose me and still wanted to feel close to me. He kept apologizing. I told him that he is a good person and he shouldn't apologize for how he feels and I told him that it didn't matter how long it took him to graduate school or anything like that. I also told him that if he didn't want to lose me, he couldn't push me away right now. I said that I could work with him through whatever it is that he's going through now and that I could give him his space and whatever else he needs, but that I don't know if I could do the whole thing again where we break up for months with very LC and then take him back when he realizes how silly he's being. Then...he kissed me. And we had sex. And then, nothing really happened after that. I just let it go.

 

In the morning, he drove me back home and we talked a little bit about everything, but again nothing really consequential came of the conversation. I learned that he is considering moving in with his friend in a different part of the state, which is more convenient for him at school. That hurt a bit since, as I think I said in my original post, it's only a matter of months before I would be able to move in with him, which is what seemed to have started this whole thing in the first place.

 

When he dropped me off, I did something stupid and kissed him, or tried to. It was awkward, and the first time I've ever been semi-rejected for a kiss before. He seemed flustered and I got out of the car, kind of annoyed that it seemed to be okay for him to have sex with me the night before, but not give me a simple kiss now, when I wanted one. I sent him a text saying that I was sorry for doing that and I felt really stupid (I still do) but that I didn't think it was that out of line given last night. He replied saying that it wasn't a big deal and he was sorry for being weird about it. He also said that last night was great and he liked it, but maybe it wasn't a good idea given the circumstances. I replied and said that maybe it was, but I didn't regret it. He said that he was sorry anyway and I sent him a message back telling him to stop apologizing. I told him that I'm a big girl and I didn't do anything that I didn't want to do. I told him he didn't have to apologize to me unless he was being a jerk, which he mostly isn't. And I also said that it would be more useful if, instead of apologizing to me, he could use his energy to think about what he's doing and what he wants in the long run. My phone died about an hour after I sent that message, so I don't know yet if he ever responded.

 

He seems so sad and so confused. None of his friends seem to know what's going on with him and his mom doesn't seem to know either. (I didn't ask anyone, but that's how it seems.) Even when we were with his friends, he just didn't seem to be himself and I don't know if it's just because I was there or what. I honestly think he should see a shrink but I don't know if he would go for that, or how I could bring it up without offending him. I mean, he loves me and wants to be close to me and doesn't want to lose me but at the same time doesn't want to be together right now. I can understand that. But he just seems to go from hot to cold from one minute to the next. And I know it's not just all this, I know he has other things going on right now.

 

So, my next question is: next weekend, I have to go somewhere near his house for work. I'm renting a car and I was thinking about asking him if he wanted to hang out with me Saturday night. I'd like to take him somewhere that I found online that I think he'd really like. It's not really a romantic thing, it's kind of a nerdy place that I think he'd enjoy. And then maybe I was thinking I could take him out for dinner. I don't know whether it's a good idea to even suggest this or not. It might just be setting myself up for a painful rejection. I don't really want to do this with the hope of anything happening or him coming to any realizations, I just want to do something nice for him to make him happy and show him how much I care. Bad idea? My head is telling me I should just leave him alone, but he says all these things about wanting to stay close to me and not lose me, so that makes me think maybe I should. He just doesn't seem happy in general. I feel so helpless.

 

That being said, I'm still doing okay. I'm just not sure what I should be doing with regard to him right now.

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Hi hun

 

Well, he has showed you where his head is at. He is quite happy to sleep with you but he cannot give you a simple kiss. It is all very well him saying he wants to stay close to you, but honestly, where on earth does that leave you?

 

I really do think you should listen to your head and leave him alone for a good long while. Maybe he will come around and maybe he won't, but have to say that it doesn't look too hopeful, does it?

 

What do you reckon?

 

Mark

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Hi Still_Smiling...

 

I have to agree with Mark above.

 

He does not have his heart in this relationship the same way you do at the moment.

 

I think it would be the best & healthiest thing for you to just leave him be completely. I know it's hard & that you are thinking it would be great to ask him to that place on Sat. but I do think you might be setting yourself up for more rejection, yes.

 

He is just so clearly not connected to you in his mind & heart at the moment.

 

Also, the comment about him possibly moving in with a friend in another part of the state (when you said you would be able to move in with him soon) is another subtle (but not really) telling of where his mind is at.

 

I'm so sorry it has gone this way as we all know how incredibly hard the painful times of relationships are when they are not working. It can feel overwhelming & like an addictive pull.

 

Corny as it sounds, I have found that plain "acceptance" helps me many times. Just accepting fully that, that is what happened & that is how he feels. Acceptance in that you will leave him alone for awhile (& you will be fine in doing so)... Not resisting "what is" or asking why.

 

You don't even have to think about more than one day at a time in all of this. You don't have to wonder what may or may not happen in the future with him, or if he should do X thing then what should you do etc...

 

Focus on your life & the things you want to accomplish....

 

All good thoughts to you...

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