I don't know...advice...vent..something

[needalittle]

i can't post the history of my relationship it would take far too long. i've been in a 5 year relationship, with ups and downs, rights and wrongs. we were engaged, we have 2 children and we live together.

 

my partner has been unhappy for a long time. i've known this. we've talked about it and i've done whatever i can to help him feel better. easter weekend he left for 6 days to visit family and during that trip he was going to make a choice and let me know. while he was gone he sent me an email breaking up with me. i replied and it was a brutal reply - i felt desperate alone and he was 12 hours away - there was nothing i could do. the next day i started a new job at 6 am and then had an exam @ univ. at 7pm. put the kids into the mix and all that, i was overwhelmed and had no sleep. i knew he wanted to talk when he got home but it didn't happen. i did not get home until 10 pm that night and had to work the next day again at 6 am. anyway long story short, easter has came and gone - every time i've brought it up since, he has said "i don't want to talk about it" or "i have nothing to say" etc. meanwhile, i've carried on like normal doing my best to stay happy, keep him happy, and balance work and family. lately i've been about to crack because i feel like i have too much on my shoulders.

 

so last night we talked, in that talk he said first that when he came home after easter he was going to leave but i was not here. and then he didn't. that is all there is to that. then he said we should not be having this talk until september because right now if he were to leave i would not be able to work (he provides childcare), he would not be able to be in school (this is what he does), the kids would hurt etc etc. then he started about how it's not that easy to just pick up and leave, he's put everything into the past 5 years thinking we would be together for the rest of ourlives, he is not prepared to be single. he doesn't want to hurt the children, he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. but he's not happy and he doesn't trust me. he said there's a 3% chance of him not making a bad decision while unhappy. and there was a lot more said but the basis of it is that he is unhappy. he also said he was sorry to say it and it hurt a lot but his confusion around leaving was not purely emotional it was also functional.

 

of course i told him that things would be fine, if he can't be in a relationship with me and wants to leave then he should because anything else is not fair to him or me. and a lot of other things.

 

i'm just lost because i think in his head he has it set that he can't leave until september - but he's not saying this out right to me - so i don't know. i feel like i don't know what to do.

 

should i stop all of the 'relationship' things and just function with him as a friend until he's in a spot where he feels like he can independently function?

 

i don't know if i can, it's really hard. i try very hard to just exist, live and not put a strain on anyone but i am having a really hard time with this.

 

i am afraid that he will stay with me unhappy forever as he has been doing for a while now, for the sake of our family and structure. i hate the thought but i know that's what he's doing and i don't want to just say you know what leave or lets end this because i feel like this is something he is struggling with right now not me.

 

it's awful either way, he stays and lives a miserable unfulfilled life because i can't be that person for him...or he leaves. i haven't wanted to break up or for him to break up with me but i'm not so selfish as to think it is okay for him to be here when he doesn't want to be. i love him very much and i can't be that thing - that horrible thing - that just destroys him as a person. he is very very loving and the most amazing person i have ever known and if i can't be that person for him, he deserves the person who can because he is special and that person would be lucky -

 

that is all very hard to face and say but i don't know....for now what i'm struggling with is - well i know what he wants he just won't say it or do it.....i can't stand that i'm doing this to him. but i can't bring myself to end things - i don't know anymore -

 

 

any feedback ??

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He says he doesn't trust you..why would he say that?

[Pixiedoc]

Is there any reason why he should say he doesn't think he can trust you?

 

It seems like he's doing what he feels is best here to support you and genuinely loves your children so doesn't want to run off on you all.

 

If you are really brave you can try and stay friends until September and make plans in the meantime for you both to become independent financialy and emotionally. It will be very difficult but if you can manage it it might be in your children's best interests. Only you two can decide whether you can cope with this - your life seems hectic enough as it is and if you need his practical help it might be for the best to acknowledge this.

 

I take it you are sleeping separately, but if not separate living arrangements, especially bedrooms, will allow you some time and space independently.

 

It's a very sad situation and sorry to hear you are all going through it. Take care.