cptanarky Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 My GF of 5 months is in Paris ( she is French ) going out tonight with her ex BF of about a year ago.. Not sure what they are doing. I dont wana be the paraniod type but when i meet her she was still very much in love with him and he is more her type of guy then me. She claims she doesnt love him anymore. Anyway she even admits to loving attention of guys (but dont all girls) and so i would assume she will love getting a former lovers attention. I am in London and she did not want me to come to Paris with her. She claims she only meeting him to give back some stuff she has of his. She previously told me that he was coming to london to visit her and staying at her house and even in her bed (claiming that it was normal were she comes from)! which as you would expect i wasnt happy about. She has told me to trust her and that nothing will happen between them, so i guess i should just believe her. am i just being overbearing and paraiod? they are together right now, and im sitting in my appartment drinking a whisky and being very paranoid. I love her very much and have been hurt by a cheating ex in the past. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Quite frankly I think it is time to kick your gf to the curb. No, it is not acceptable to sleep in the same bed as your ex..perhaps she is confusing the city of Paris with Paris Hilton. Also, not all girls thrive on attention from other guys when they have a boyfriend. Only the insecure girls and the player type girls do. You have just cause to be worried...I would not trust her assurances at all...I think it is a safe bet that she is up to no good...when someone embarks on a rebound relationships (you are her rebound), getting together with an ex usually spells trouble. Is she really that worth it that you want to feel anxiety and distrust with her? Link to comment
cptanarky Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 yes but i cant say to her... i forbid you from seeing him. can i? She did tell me she loved me first, and she seems pretty happy with me.. But what can i do dump her just because of my trust issues, you cant exacially ban her from seeing people of her past? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 No, you can't forbid her to see him, but you can make a choice for yourself as to what is acceptable treatment and walk away from her. Actions speak louder than words. Her words mean nothing when her actions show loud and clear that she will do anything to be with her ex...ALONE with him. Don't be fooled by her charming words....it is exactly her charming words which gives her the attention of all the men which is what she says she loves. She plays men..and she is playing you. Link to comment
DN Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 I agree you should let her go. Here are the reasons: She didn't want you to go to Paris with her. She was very much in love with him. She plans on seeing him again. They are going to sleep in the same bed. She tells you that you have to trust her despite all of the above. Yuck!! Of course you can't control her. But you can control you. Link to comment
cptanarky Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 well.. she didnt want me to come before she even knew she was meeting him there. Shes going to get her citizenship papers. She did say she was in love with him when we meet but we wer only casual at that point and i was sort of still fond of my ex.. I am very tence now, i text her about a hour ago.. and she replied "come on, im just talking to him. i love you". i dont know if i would have the balls to dump her because of suspicion.the thing is she could have easily not said she was meeting him at all and i would be none the wiser. Link to comment
DN Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 It's not suspicion that is the problem. It's her real behaviour that is not acceptable. At least, it wouldn't be acceptable to me. There's more to cheating than having actual sex. There is emotional cheating which is giving someone else the sort of attention that should be reserved for a partner and doing things that are clearly inappropriate and disrespectful of a relationship. If she can't or won't know that then she isn't someone I would want as a partner. Link to comment
huskiesfan Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 She's alone with her ex, who she had strong feelings for, and she's going to sleep in his bed with him. And above it all, she expects you to be alright with it. That alone would be cause for a breakup, if I were in your position. How would she like it if you spend time alone with your ex, and slept in the same bed? I'm sure she would be less than pleased. And you should be less than pleased with this too. She's already cheating emotionally, and I'm sure this is a leadup to a physical relationship with this guy. Kick her to the curb, and get far far away from her, before she causes you emotional hurt. Link to comment
cptanarky Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 hmmm.. it was disrespectable to say he was going to stay with her in her bed.. shes not down there, she is staying with a friend. Im feeling terrible now after the replys. I really liked this girl and dont wana go through another break up. And i dont know many people here and the thought of being alone here is terrible. what should i text to her? Link to comment
savignon Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Seeing ex= okay. Dinner with ex= okay. Sleeping in the SAME BED as ex while you're "inlove" with your new boyfriend= NOT OKAY!!!! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 hmmm.. it was disrespectable to say he was going to stay with her in her bed.. shes not down there, she is staying with a friend. Im feeling terrible now after the replys. I really liked this girl and dont wana go through another break up. And i dont know many people here and the thought of being alone here is terrible. what should i text to her? It sounds to me like your fear of being alone is what is driving you to accept what you know is unacceptable. Don't sell yourself short. It is far better to be alone than to be someone who is disrespecting your feelings and is looking for the attention of other men. Link to comment
cptanarky Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 ok, i agree, but they are not staying in the same bed down there as i said at the start? and if it came to that up here i would have definitly have give her the brush. Link to comment
DN Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 If they are planning on sleeping in the same bed when he comes to visit then the chances are they will when she goes there. I agree your fear of being alone is what is stopping you dumping someone who is clearly behaving highly inappropriately. People don't do this to someone they love but they do sleep in the same bed with someone they love Link to comment
cptanarky Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 im starting to agree but what do i say? i was highly pissed off and offended when she said that, it was a long time ago mind you... Link to comment
DN Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 I would tell her that you have been thinking things over and have come to the conclusion that her feelings for her ex are obviously stronger than she is admitting. Her plans to see him and share a bed are not something that you think is respectful to your relationship and think it better that you go your separate ways so she can resolve her relationship with her ex. Link to comment
SamiJayne Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 I can't believe you put up with that. I wouldn't. I've been with my partner over 3 years, we're expecting our 2nd child. And if he did what she's doing to you. I'd leave him. It's unaceptable. She has no respect for you. It doesn't matter if its "normal" or not where people come from. If your uncomfortable with it, she should take that in to account. And the fact she wouldn't allow you to tag along... Link to comment
maverick554 Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 Just sit her down and calmly tell her that your not comofrtable with the whole situation. Don't be suspicious or accuse her of wanting to cheat on you with him, simply tell her that your not comfortable with it and that he is her EX-BF and you are her current BF and she is being inconsiderate of you by seeing him. Remember that you are in a relationship with her and are within your rights to raise an objection. And as far as him sleeping in her bed being normal, that is rediculous! Sleeping in the same bed with the opposite sex is reserved for those who are involved in my opinion. I remember my ex-gf was going to let one of her gay friends stay at her place once and she said that he would probably stay in her bed, and I put an end to that, even though he was gay I was not going to let another guy sleep in the same bed as my GF. And even if her intentions are pure through this whole thing, I guarantee her EX's are NOT. This is one of those situations where girls have no idea how guys actually think (no matter how much they think they do!). Hopefully this will all work out, but a word to the wise: in my experience I have always been burned by getting involved with a girl who seemed like she still had feelings for an ex (even if she claimed she had none), so proceed with caution and hopefully you will come out of this ok one way or another. Link to comment
velvette Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 yeah... I used to sleep in the same bed as my male roommate, and this frustrated my boyfriend to no end. I didn't really understand, as I love sleepovers regardless of gender. I just liked chitchatting with someone at night, and my roommate loved long talks too. I was not attracted to my roommate at all, plus he already had a girlfriend. then my boyfriend explained WHY: he said he didn't trust my male roommate, and that I wasn't a light sleeper, and that anything could happen, and it was the whole principle of the thing. even though I didn't think it was a big deal, and would've been fine with him sleeping with other women as long as it remained platonic, I realized what I did hurt his feelings and so I stopped. out of respect. I hope she respects you enough that, once you explain to her clearly why you dislike it (maybe ask her how she'd feel if you were to sleep in the same bed as your ex!), she'll stop. Link to comment
Lauren8785 Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 Well, on the one hand at least she told you about what she was doing there its not like she hid it from you, she could have told you nothing at all, but she must have told you for a reason tho, right?? Usually if someone says they "love you" first it has to count for something right?? I doubt someone would just say I love you for no reason and not mean it!! At least for me when someone says they love you first they truly mean it!! Then again, I agree with the other posters that she is disrespecting you by sleeping with an ex. Did you tell her how that made you feel or did you not say nothing at all?? If you didn't tell her how it made you feel then maybe she doesn't think its a big deal therefore in her mind shes NOT disrespecting you!! The choice is yours here and I know its tough but did she give you any reason to doubt her besides all this?? If not, then I wouldn't break up with her, just tell her how you feel!! Link to comment
Circe Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 yes but i cant say to her... i forbid you from seeing him. No, you can't. As CAD said.. you just kick her to the curb. These are things she should know for herself. Not things you tell her. If I ever had to tell my H "no you can't go touring Paris with some ex and sleep in the same bed" I mean.. why would I even be in that position? I wouldnt be. I wouldnt let myself be. You can't and shouldnt control her but you can and should set (and act on) some high standards for you! Link to comment
cptanarky Posted May 18, 2009 Author Share Posted May 18, 2009 ok, well i ended up calling her, was a little tipsy, got in abit of a argument she said she had just left him at 12.30pm and was on the train to go and sleep at her friends house. So they basically just hung out for like 10 hours. The converstaion was slightly heated and she kept saying nothing happened and she doesnt see what my problem was. She then sent me a text after saying that she loved me, didnt want anyone else and wouldnt ruin us for any reason, and that she wishes that one day i will believe her. I didnt text back till today saying i dont know what to think and asking her to go on IM.... she hasnt replied, not sure if she is with him again or not. Spending 10 hours with your ex seems a bit over the top to me.... ? i have no idea what to think here.... thanks guys and gals. Link to comment
DN Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 She then sent me a text after saying that she loved me, didnt want anyone else and wouldnt ruin us for any reason, Too late - she already did. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 wth? u really asking this? get rid of her. Link to comment
cptanarky Posted May 18, 2009 Author Share Posted May 18, 2009 geees, i dont know. You guys seem to think she has already slept with the guy.. he has a gf too i might add. I dont know if you dont have trust what do you have?.. and she could have easly not said anything about meeting him at all. this girl is beautiful and clever, maybe i should give it a chance or perhaps you guys are right and im fooling myself. Link to comment
drewciouS281 Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 Its one thing to have trust but its another thing for someone to have respect for thier partner and not do this. It would throw me off guard the fact that she did not want you to visit her and it would especially throw me off the fact she blatantly admitted to you that she loves attention from men. Its ok for women to love and want attention from men, YEAH WHEN THIER SINGLE! If she still loves the attention than you need to tell her to hit the road. When im dating someone, thier gonna be about me and only me otherwise they can take a hike off of mount everest! lol Link to comment
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