tabac Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 My girlfriend broke up with me in august last year after about one and a half year together. After the usual routine of ugliness and pleading and begging from my side we both decided to take a time-out. In the beginning of march she wrote me an email to tell me that she recently had met someone new (which btw. is not true, they met immediately after our break up, might even have something to do with it as we were in a bad spot at that moment and he probably played a lot on that...) Anyhow, it was a really emotional email, telling me how she feared that we would disappear from each others life and that she wished we could keep in touch. So we have had LC for the last couple of months, I've been keeping it positive, aloof and upbeat, and a bit mysterious of course! And with some exceptions it has felt OK to keep in touch with her. I'm not obsessing about her any longer, but of course, after all I'm hanging out here! the thought of reconciliation still exists. Now she wrote me a mail last week, telling me that she's going to move in with the new guy. Of course that made me a bit sad, but it didn't come as a surprise to me as she really hates the place she lives in now and that living together is a really big thing for her. (One of the reasons our relationship failed.) I usually wait a couple of weeks before answering her emails, so I haven't replied yet. But then I received a text message on the phone from her yesterday about how very tough it felt for her to tell me that she was moving and how every mail she received reminded her of us breaking up, that she hasn't started thinking about our break-up until now. (I read in a forum thread here somewhere that it would take three months for a dumper to start missing someone, but 6-8 if she was in a new relationship... That was certainly spot on!) Then she went on to tell me that she didn't know if she could continue to keep in touch with me right now, that it was too hard and emotional for her, but that she could try to do it for me if I wanted it... Finally she ended the message with telling me how lucky she was right now, and how certain she was of her feelings for her new guy... (hmm...) I just answered her shortly that I will respond to her in an e-mail in the week... So I'm just looking for some general feedback and thoughts from you guys, this whole thing has left me a bit perplexed... Link to comment
Casey13 Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 There is something wrong with her. I have no clue why she keeps updating you on her progress with her new guy. It seems like she is having a harder time with the break up than you are although she is with someone new. I wouldnt be surprised if this new found love of hers is nothing more than a rebound and she may come knocking on your door soon enough. Play it cool as you have the upper hand and dont break down on her emotionally ever again. Once she sees that you are getting emotionally detached and fully over her, if she has that tendency to come back, she will do it pronto and then you can decide what to do. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Wow, I feel sorry for the new guy..he is certainly being used and led down the garden path. Your ex is actually quite pathetic. Here she is moving in with a new guy, clearly not because she loves him and wants to be with him, but merely out of a matter of convenience, and her mind is still wrapped up with you. You should get some sense of satisfaction knowing that karma has come right back at her. She may be with a new guy but you seem so much happier with your life than she is with hers. I have no sympathy for her..she made her bed...no matter how much she tries to sell her happiness to you, it is clear she is trying to convince herself how happy she is. She has not been true to herself and because of that, has not been true to her current boyfriend nor to you. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 >>Finally she ended the message with telling me how lucky she was right now, and how certain she was of her feelings for her new guy... (hmm...) People can be extremely fond of their exes and want to keep them as friends, but it doesn't mean they're going to com back. I think she has been trying to break it to you gently since the breakup that she is with this guy, and the relationship is developing and getting more serious as times goes on. If she is saying things like she is certain about her feelings for the new guy, then that is her way of telling you not to have hope that she'll be coming back as a romance. She wants your friendship, and is selfish enough to keep you around like a security blanket, but i think she only wants frienship and is moving forward with the new guy. I really think you should move forward too and assume she is 'taken' rather than waiting around for her. I am afraid the next thing you will hear in a few months is that she is engaged, and it will break your heart. So you need to be moving on with other women rather than holding on to someone who is clearly moving forward with another man. Link to comment
huskiesfan Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 The general rule of thumb I've noticed in situations like these that I've read about on eNA, is if the ex is coming to you telling you how wonderful her new relationship is with the new guy is, chances are that its not so wonderful. Her relationship with this guy may be good, but chances are its probably not going as great as she thought it would, so most likely, her constantly reminding you about how "great" the relationship is going is more of an attempt to try to get a reaction out of you and gain an ego boost. If the relationship was going so great, why would she all of a sudden start looking back at the breakup, and begin feeling bad about it. My take on it is your LC is working, and she's grasping at straws trying to get your feelings focused back on her. Then she went on to tell me that she didn't know if she could continue to keep in touch with me right now, that it was too hard and emotional for her, but that she could try to do it for me if I wanted it... Finally she ended the message with telling me how lucky she was right now, and how certain she was of her feelings for her new guy... Case and point right there. I'll bet she was hoping that you'd text her back, begging her not to cut contact with you, and if she was lucky, maybe you'd even beg for her back, so she could get a nice ego boost out of it. Simply responding that you'd get back to her later was the best move to make there. The best thing to do at this point is to continue what your doing. Keep going LC, maybe even try a little NC at this point. It will further reinforce the fact that you don't need her to be happy with your life, and maybe bring you two closer to reconciliation, if that is what you want. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 I agree with this. If life was so peachy with her new guy she wouldn't be contacting you all the time and talking about how the break up with you has been affecting her. In fact, if the other guy knew this he wouldn't be thrilled at all. It sounds to me like she wants a guy, any guy, and that the living together was just a stage in life she wanted..and any guy who wanted that with her is the guy she would settle for. Love is not part of the equation for her...the check list of "things to do"...get boyfriend, live together, get married, have children, have the house with the white picket fence etc is what she wants and she will take any guy who will give that to her no matter what she feels for the guy. Link to comment
huskiesfan Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 I agree with this. If life was so peachy with her new guy she wouldn't be contacting you all the time and talking about how the break up with you has been affecting her. In fact, if the other guy knew this he wouldn't be thrilled at all. It sounds to me like she wants a guy, any guy, and that the living together was just a stage in life she wanted..and any guy who wanted that with her is the guy she would settle for. Love is not part of the equation for her...the check list of "things to do"...get boyfriend, live together, get married, have children, have the house with the white picket fence etc is what she wants and she will take any guy who will give that to her no matter what she feels for the guy. IMO, I think she has a little more to learn about love, commitment and relationships before she leaps into another one like that. Someone needs to get their priorities in order. Link to comment
tabac Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 Wow, thanks for all your feedback guys! That's pretty much my feeling about it as well, but it always feels good to hear it from someone else with a bit of an outside perspective! I really wish that I could be a better person than to feel some satisfaction over her situation, but it's hard not to... I'm not sure what I shall answer her though. I'm thinking about just saying that the first months after our breakup were really tough but that I feel better now and have moved forward and that I can't ask her to mail me if she feels bad about it, even though I'm just fine with it. Is this an OK reply to send before going into NC again? Link to comment
becca0194 Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Wow, thanks for all your feedback guys! That's pretty much my feeling about it as well, but it always feels good to hear it from someone else with a bit of an outside perspective! I really wish that I could be a better person than to feel some satisfaction over her situation, but it's hard not to... I'm not sure what I shall answer her though. I'm thinking about just saying that the first months after our breakup were really tough but that I feel better now and have moved forward and that I can't ask her to mail me if she feels bad about it, even though I'm just fine with it. Is this an OK reply to send before going into NC again? I think she is looking for some reaction from you. That feels like a game though. If something is on her mind, just say it. I guess that would be true if we lived in a perfect world. I think your e-mail sounds good. You say you are fine with it. Are you sure you are? Is it ok with you for her to communicate about her new relationship? Maybe wish her well at the end. Link to comment
DaveTrump Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 Sounds as though she has lots of growing up to do my friend. I wouldn't entertain any of her lost damsel emails either. You won't be doing her any favors by responding to her and soothing her wounds. She will just continue in this immature fashion on and on. No, you need to leave her alone and let her work it out for herself. If she does come running back say "you know what you have, but not what you get". Time for you to be strong! Link to comment
tabac Posted May 18, 2009 Author Share Posted May 18, 2009 Yeah, I really have an urge to just ignore her last message, especially after her sour answer to my sms when I asked her if it was ok that I responded with a mail later in the week... "Yeah of course it is, you don't have to answer at all if you dont feel like it"... But then I don't want to give her the satisfaction of thinking that she "shook me up" with her latest message, which she of course will think if I don't answer at all... Link to comment
CarrieB123 Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 If this were me I might write her something like "I've got to agree with you here, its probably better we not have contact." -Tabac Leave it at that. Most likely you'll get a response (that I wouldn't respond to) along the lines of "really? but why? wah wah wah." She's tuggin' on your heart strings here, I'd say quit giving her the chance. Best of luck. Link to comment
Thornbirds18 Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 I don't want to hear anything from my ex boyfriend about his new women. Not sure why she kept telling you her progress - it's not very considerate of her. I would be crushed if I kept hearing how he and his new women do from my ex. I would not be friends with her and will cut off all the contact. She needs to grow up. Link to comment
tabac Posted May 18, 2009 Author Share Posted May 18, 2009 Yes it's really strange with people who constantly want to update their exes on what they are doing with their new partners... In this case I think she has some screwed up idea about "being completely honest with each other"... At least she talks about that all the time. But at the same time she mailed me in march to tell me she met someone new, when I know they probably got together a couple of weeks after we broke up in september... And still you care and have feelings for them... ](*,) Link to comment
Clabs Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 Honestly Tabac - I wouldn't bother responding any more mate. Before you know it she will be telling you what her sex life is like! Mate - she knows where to find you if she wants you, but you need to think long and hard about someone who could be so effing selfish. Just my thoughts bud - just give some real thought as to what you are getting out of these interactions. Mark Link to comment
tabac Posted May 19, 2009 Author Share Posted May 19, 2009 Well I just sent her a short mail this evening and told her that she doesn't need to keep mailing me if it makes her feel bad, and that I wish her all the best for the future. That's the last thing she'll hear from me unless she breaks up with the new guy... And I'm not even sure about that anymore after that last pathetic message... Thank's again for all your input! Link to comment
insecurefool Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Well I just sent her a short mail this evening and told her that she doesn't need to keep mailing me if it makes her feel bad, and that I wish her all the best for the future. That's the last thing she'll hear from me unless she breaks up with the new guy... And I'm not even sure about that anymore after that last pathetic message... Thank's again for all your input! nice job man, stay strong Link to comment
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