help...panic.....confused

[gertie68]

Hi

Have been reading some threads on here for a while and it has helped tremendously, so thanks to everyone who is sharing their feelings on here.

 

This is my story...

 

I was in a same sex relationship for two and a half years, we met online and clicked. All was going well and then 10 months into the relationship, we had an argument, petty stuff and she left. Two days later, she realised she had made a mistake and came back to me. We have since broken up twice more. Ten days ago, I received a text at work saying that it is not what she wanted, she loves me as a friend, that is wasn't working between us and she had taken her stuff.

 

We had been arguing recently, I may have been a bit clingy in the relationship and had my suspicions about her wanting to leave, she had been looking at rentals (but then often looked at them as she monitors the market!), rearranging things etc etc. We had a conversation 2 weeks ago in which I asked her if she wanted to leave, break up or what as I was so confused by her distance with me. She said that she wanted me but didn't want "this". She also said that I was the best thing that had ever happened to her and couldn't believe how lucky she was to have me. We had a very close relationship and despite some niggles, things were ok.

 

I have my own house, she has always lived with her girlfriends and has never had a place of her own. I knew that this was a factor in the whole thing as she regularly said. I had always said to her that my home was hers. We had discussed the possibility of eventually buying a place together when the market settles down though. She has since moved into a flat.

 

Since the break up, we have only communicated by text. She says she can't see me as it would be too upsetting but that maybe in time we could be friends. I feel like the bottom has fallen out of my world as I was totally in love with her and felt like she was the one for me.

 

Her online profile still says she has a lovely girlfriend and she has not removed me from her facebook friends.

I have changed mine to single mainly so that she doesn't think I am waiting around (even though most of me is!)

 

In the previous breakups, when I backed off, she was the one that came to me. I know that texting is a ridiculous way to communicate with each other but presently it is the only way! My problem is that this has happened before, she has gone, realised she made the wrong decision, told me to back off and then come back.Our longest split was for 8 days.

 

I am totally confused with this, she has texted that it is over and we need to stop communicating via text so that we can both move forward with this. Following the initial breakup, I agreed with her that things had not been working recently, I didn't want to appear clingy and needy. Since then, I have expressed my feelings and said that if I am truthful, I would like things to work out with us but only when issues have been resolved. She has said that she misses me but needs to move forward.

 

The issues consist of things such as ...

 

When things are a bit difficult between us she spends a lot of time at her friend's, becomes distant with me and this starts me asking questions to figure out what is wrong.

This obviously comes accross as me being needy, clingy or nagging. She was never very good at explaining her feelings to me as she has a lot of issues, slight depression, tendency to clam up. She could also be sweet, kind, needy, wanting reassurance while we were together. I have never experienced such closeness with someone and she said she felt the same.We are both professional people and have both had long term relationships before.

 

How can you go from a very close relationship, sharing your life with someone to this?

 

I just don't know what to think, past experiences show that she came back, this time she said she isn't. Part of me thinks it is so easy to hide behind a text and easy to say things you don't mean ( as with previous break ups!) I know that if I didn't want someone, I would tell them face to face but then I suppose each person has their own way.

 

I feel a bit in limbo with it to be honest, not knowing what to think, not knowing whether to keep hope, have had no communication for 2 days and don't feel that I should send any messages for fear of alienating her further. I have spoken to friends who have been through this with me and none of them have any answers as she can be so unpredictable in what she does.

 

Any opinions on this would be really welcome!

 

 

Help!!!!

[Pixiedoc]

It's a shame she has been so vague about the reasons for wanting to split up, but from your post the 'this' that she mentions could well be what you have already identified - your perceived clinginess.

 

It really does switch an awful lot of people off when they need space and our fear about why and need to have them back makes us close them down and put them under more pressure.

 

If she does suffer from some sort of depression this will have made her twice as determined to back off, and this will also be why she doesn't want to see you face to face - as well as being upset. It's putting some distance between you.

 

It does seem as if she cares but when the words 'need to move forward' appear it is a pretty safe bet that she means without you. Hopefully you can learn something about yourself from this as you are recovering.

 

At the end of the day if she does not want to be with you there is nothing you can do no matter how much you love her. And it's not your fault feeling 'clingy' if she pulled away from you - if you did not feel insecure in the first place you probably wouldn't have acted that way.

 

Take care and take it day by day. Fill your time with friends and family if you can and don't be tempted to text her again.

[gertie68]

Hi

 

Thank you for responding.

 

The thing is that on previous breakups, I had begged her to come back, hence the clinginess. This time, I had simply agreed with her that we needed space as I didn't want to seem needy. I fear that this may have made her think maybe that I was not wanting the relationship to continue..even though I had told her several days after the split that in fact I did.I am sooo confused as I love her very much. Even the days before we split, she was telling me she loved me and didn't want anyone else. I don't really believe her feelings towards me have changed too much as many occasions, I woke with her kissing me and telling me she loves me. Surely you wouldn't do this if you just had friendly feelings?! I suppose the thing is that she has done this before and I am wondering if this is really real..

[Pixiedoc]

Well hearing a bit more about it, it does seem that she cares for you and that you are being sensible in not pushing her. However, although she cares for you and loves you she doesn't want to be with you right now. If this has happened before, the signs are not good. She DOES know this is really hurting you, and you have to argue that if she really loved you would she be putting your through this?

 

A lot of people on here would say forget her, move on, end of. If you feel there could be a future or you just need closure, try and see her face to face with no begging or histrionics (plan this first) but bear in mind she just might no want to see you at all. In which case you have to leave it. Best of luck.

[gertie68]

Hi

 

I have asked twice for her to see me, she says she can't as it is too painful for her. Sometimes I wonder if I am being put to the test as it were. I think maybe the fact that she has never lived alone has quite a lot to do with all this, she was always monitoring financial and housing markets.When we split before she had rented a room in aa house but spent maybe 2 weeks there in 7 months, most of the time she was at mine. In one sense, maybe living alone will be a bit of a reality check, and that maybe she might miss me...this eternal hope that one day she may come back is driving me nuts at times. I gave her so many opportunities to tell me if she wanted things to end and move out and each time she said no. Maybe a night of arguing was the factor which made her want to go? Who knows. I just find it incredibly difficult not seeing her or being able to speak to her after so long together. She is a very complex character, not quite sure of what she wanted at times and yet very needy at other times. I know that she was very attracted to me as she constantly told me so (hope that doesnt sound stupid!), even up to the day we parted, she was paying me compliments. Sometimes I think she wants the space to sort out what she really wants and with her saying that its over, thats the only way she can do that?

She had messaged me a few days into the break up asking me if I know what I wanted(X). I replied yes and then a response came back saying that the message had been sent while her mate's baby was playing with the phone! (Have tried it and it is pretty impossible to do!)

I am trying to keep busy but it is so hard and you feel like you are driving everyone mental by talking about it all the time!

[Pixiedoc]

You haven't said how old she is....?

 

She sounds a lot less mature than you, and to be frank, all over the place.

[gertie68]

Hi

 

I know it sounds like a teenage type drama but she is actually 35 and a professional woman. In the relationship, I felt that she very much depended on me for the day to day running of things and always looked for my reassurance in difficult matters in her high pressured job. I suppose in some ways I was her rock and maybe she felt that at some point she needed to stand on her own 2 feet? The night before she went we had an argument and I said things that were hurtful such as I hadn't cared where she had been that evening (she had actually been to her mate's for the 6th evening on the trot!), she also asked me if I had wanted to split up and I had said that sometimes I did but being without her was a horrible thought. Of course, these things were said in the heat of the moment and how I now regret them!

 

How hard is all this? I feel like I am going a bit crazy with it!

[gertie68]

I was so determined to maintain NC and then last night I cracked.

 

I sent a message apologising for any behaviour that may have upset her during our relationship and hoped that she was ok. Didn't ask any questions though.

 

And now I feel terrible!

 

Thoughts of past conversations keep going through my mind, things that I have said and not meant and now I feel that my channels of communication are shut down.

 

I know I have to let it go but am finding this soo difficult. Comments please?!

[Pixiedoc]

Has she responded to you?

 

It's o.k. for a text like this if you just wanted to apologise but not ask for, or expect, a response. But if you worry about it, and everything else that you wish you had said/not said, this will wear you down and be counterproductive.

 

Give yourself an emotional break and stick to NC until you have thought all this through with the rational part of your brain. You know what I'm saying.

 

Take it easy and be strong.

[Umlunguusa]

Have you ever heard of Borderline personality disorder? (BPD) I don't know if this is the case here, but BPD individuals are notorious for ending loving relationships for the slightest upsets, often very quickly...you know, it's quite interesting, because they seem really stable on the outside--and then explode on those only in the privacy of their own homes! The way you describe her...sounds like she needs you but can't get to close to you at the same time, thus she still says she "has a wonderful girlfriend" while in fact, she may not at all in her mindset.

 

The "push you away/pull you back" game is very common to those with BPD. and it's not their fault, really. They are just like that.

 

here is some suggested reading: (although it's geared to a male audience--namely, because BPD is 4X more common in women than men--it's still relevant)

 

link removed

 

if you can identify some of the things she says with your partner, then I'd consider the fact that she may be, in fact, borderline. if so, I suggest you read the other articles she has.

 

with that said, good luck and bless!

[gertie68]

Hi

No response yet.

I am struggling with the 'shall I send a letter' syndrome to explain how I am feeling about all this. I feel really up and down about wanting to cantact her.

[gertie68]

Hi

Thank you very much for that, have had a good read of many of the articles and so many things seem to fit. The scary thing is that you sort of don't want to paint the other person in too negative a light and so find yourself making excuses for them and why such things happened. You can also see traits in yourself which again, is a bit scary!

 

The emotional detachment part is quite interesting, being wrapped up in their own little world and as if your choices didn't matter. How true is that! Either their way or no way at all. The disinterest in the other person also fits well as does the no contact with her friends. AGain, you try to make excuses and find reasons for their behaviour, maybe that they are just a little bit odd and not at ease with things, lack of social interaction with my friends was passed off as being shy.

 

I still miss the nice times we had though and do long for her.....

[gertie68]

Hi all

 

An update.

 

Sent a text yesterday saying that I had thought about her and felt like my best friend had disappeared off the face of the earth. She responded I know, it is difficult , of course i miss you but it is over but still painful. I asked if she wanted to go out for a meal soon and she answered 'in a few weeks' x

 

I feel maybe some headway has been made with this and at least she is now in contact. Although her reasons for responding I am not quite sure.

 

Part of me is wondering if there is anyone else in her life but thinking back to earlier messages, she had said it had been really hard for her to not come running back to me.

 

Again, in previous ones she had said that texting her wasn't helping he scenario. And then she responds. I have tried so hard to not text anything that sounds needy and have not asked where she is etc.

 

Another part of me thinks that if it were done and dusted, she would not want to meet again and would refuse to (she has done this before).

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on this PLEASE??!!!

[gertie68]

Hey Guys

 

Is there anyone out there who might have any comments or advice for me?

[Pixiedoc]

Hi gertie

 

Well it doesn't look like good news I'm afraid, does it? Firstly she says it's definitely over and then dinner 'in a few weeks' (which probably means 'don't call me, I'll call you' - and it's not going to happen).

 

I'm so sorry to hear this. If you try to maintain NC it will be better and less painful than agonising when to contact her next, and what to say etc. You have to try and accept that it is over and draw an emotional line over which you can step and try to get better with the help of others if possible but heal over time. *hug*

[gertie68]

Hi

 

I can see what you are saying but the situation is a bit more complex than it seems. I know what she is like and if she didnt want to see me at all then she would say so. She can be very head strong and simply refuse any contact or replies. Part of me still thinks she wants to be in my life, maybe just not at the moment. Our relationship was extremely close, she shared things with me that she had never spoken to anyone else about, we were very intimate and close to the point where we even held hands in bed! How is it that you can go from that to this?

[gertie68]

HI

 

An update. We have had minimal contact on text over the past couple of weeks, always initiated by me I must say. I joined a new website to meet some new friends about 2 weeks ago, browsing the profiles it was pretty obvious that she was on there (minus photo, mine was on though). I didn't make any effort to contact her as I respected her space. She must have seen me on there as there are not many people on it. About 5 days go by, I received a template from her saying 'just wanted to say hi', I sent one back. Next morning I get up, switch on the computer and there is a message for me saying 'its me (plus her name). My heart was in my mouth, didn't know what to respond so I left it for a while and then wrote 'hey, thought it was you after reading your profile, hope you are good'. Nothing since. Now, what is confusing me is why on earth would she have done this???? It is such a small thing but at the same time it is the first time she has initiated contact and I don't want to get my hope up too much. WHat game is she playing here? ANy comments would be moe than welcome as I am totally confused by this!!!

[Pixiedoc]

She may just be slightly uncomfortable about you seeking further relationships than she is and wants to check in to see if she can find anything out. You did the right thing by responding casually. Disappointing though it is it seems she is on the site to find another relationship pretty quickly, no hanging about so therefore her previous message to you can be relied upon 'it's over' means just that.

 

I know what it feels like to have ANY communication to you from an ex you still care deeply about (tummy goes, heart races), but this was just a casual 'hi' I think.

 

Well heck, maybe you will find a lovely person on line - hope so and good luck

[gertie68]

She had always been on a dating site when we were together and I had no problem with that as she had many friends on there rather than looking for dates. I had the same thing. This one was recommended to her by a friend, a way of making new friends initially, like we tend to do when you feel lonely. My issue with this is why didn't she just email me to tell me it was her or send a message. Instead, she sent me a smile (no message) and only when I smiled back did she tell me it was her (at 1 in the morning!) I feel a bit like she was testing me, she has done this before when we had previously broken up. It is really messing with my head at the moment, I am having trouble eating and sleeping and try to keep things in perspective but I know what she can be like. A normal thing to do would to have just sent a message saying hi, I thought i would let you know i am on here too. If she wants to be 'friends' at some point, surely that is the normal thing to do???

[gertie68]

HI

Another update. Ater a week of no texting from me, I decided to send her a text just a light hearted one, asking no questions. It related to the economy, her response was that she had not watched tv at all (very unlike her). I had been sensing that something was wrong with her following the strange email I had the other day from her. She then tells me that she is not coping well at all, feels disorientated and thinks she is becoming mentally ill due to what is happening and also issues at work. I asked if she wanted to see me, she said no she can't as we will be back to square one with everything (my hopeful side wants to believe that this is because she still has feelings for me).My response was that things can never go back to how they were, she replied that we split up for good reasons and that has not changed. I agreed with her then I asked if she wanted me to call her - she said she is not up to talking as she is really not well. It was the longest conversation(ontext) that we have had since the split)

She said she wanted to talk to me about what is happening but can't. Then we have the questions about the cats etc...I said I know we are not together anymore but that does not stop me caring about her.

I feel terrible about this, I know that I am probably being too nice with her but how on earth do you stop caring for someone you have been so close to? I am seriously worried about her but don't know what to do. help!

[gertie68]

Hi

 

Another update.

 

We have had minimal contact, mainly about nice things over the past week or so. I mentioned that I had missed her and her cuddles and the response has me confused 'We can't do that unless we are in a relationship'. What does this mean, it has been playing on my mind since I got it. Surely if you were over and done with someone you would put something like 'We can't do that because we are no longer together'??? She then mentioned that we could go for a meal....

 

Since then, I have been doing a lot of thinking and feel that I really need/want to meet up with her and sort this out one way or another. I feel like I am in some sort of limbo and have been getting slightly confusing messages from her. Today, I asked if we could talk, she asked what about, I said well just about everything really. So far she has not responded.

 

I am prepared to face the consequences of meeting with her although I do half hope for some sort of reconciliation but I feel that I cannot move on from this as quickly as I would like until I have seen her face to face and heard what she has to say about it all. All her texts over the past week have had a kiss at the end, something she was not doing previously, sounds like a daft thing but she doesn't do that with other people.

 

I don't want the relationship as it was and have been doing a lot of soul searching about this and realise that I probably have abandonment issues with it. I want a more independent relationship but don't know how to tell her this as up until now she says she can't see me as we would end up back to square one. Does this mean that she still has feelings for me? How can I let her see this on a text of all things??? I have been keeping LC and not pushed for anything up until today. Does anyone have any advice on this? All comments appreciated!!