Discovering Mental Illness in Our Former Significant Others

[WomanWriter]

Ok, I should say that I have a pretty good basic knowledge of general psychology. I wasn't very well-versed in OCD, though, until I started learning more about it. I thought it had to do with ritualistic hand washing or light switch flipping. I didn't realize that it is a LOT more than just that.

 

Anyway, I want to post about it because I know many of the guys on here have former girlfriends/wives with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was wondering if their significant others KNEW they had this problem or if they were totally oblivious to the fact. Also, did they ever try to talk to their mate about it?

 

So originally I assumed I had OCD. Actually, I probably do. I think it's on a continuum and don't really think in terms of "disorders" so much, but I do have obsessive/compulsive tendencies. The thing is, I never realized it before but MY EX IS THE POSTER CHILD OF OCD!

 

He tried to tell me one time (he knew i was studying psych) but I just brushed him off and told him he was probably a mild case (I don't know how I missed it before).

 

But the more I read about it, the more I know my ex. He was very rigid, stubborn, anal...you name it! But he was also a really nice guy so it didn't seem so obvious. The thing is, I AM WORRIED ABOUT HIM!

 

I don't think he realizes how bad he is. He thinks his problem was with me. But his problem is that he is extremely fearful and ritualistic and does whatever he can to avoid any sense of pressure/stress/anxiety to the point where it's impacting his life and his health.

 

Now, I can't say I don't have the same problem but at least I am realizing it!

He did try to tell me before that he thought he had it, but I don't know if he really gets how serious it is for him!

 

Part of me wishes I could blog or email him about it so he could see his OBVIOUS symptoms, but I know that's NOT my responsibility and another co-dependency (OCD) problem in ME.

 

So I just have to let him be and leave him alone to discover things for himself.

 

Yes, I know I can't formally diagnose him, but he literally has every symptom to the EXTREME. Even his sense of humor was impacted...he could never function well unless he was in control...except his control was subtle....never outright. It sometimes seemed like he was a robot...and he often mentioned things like this. There was passion, but when he got scared, he just withdrew his personality. So I don't think it's about not having an identity, it's that he has OCD and stubbornly needs to control everything in his environment (hence breaking up). If he can't do something perfectly, he can't do it at all.

He can't do his school work (since it might not be good enough), he can't be with me (since he's not good enough and maybe I'm not good enough either). He always told me how he has to find fault in every little thing and he didn't understand why.

 

His dad was critical and not empathetic. This is a definite cause of OCD.

 

Anyway, it's a shame it has to be this way. I hope he can get help.

[offplanet]

It wouldn't hurt to tell him you think its serious and suggest he get help. It'd be a pity if he went thru life suffering from it, if he could have got help.

offplanet

[philove]

My ex has some form of mental illness that stems from her previous life experiences. At one point she even jokingly admited that she was diagnosed as being insane.

 

When we broke up I sent her a long email suggesting she got help. The response was not positive but I don't really care.

 

If someone is ill and you feel that they need help, tell them. Even if they don't take your concerns seriously at least you can say you have tried and hopefully one day they will realise you were right.

 

You can plant the seed in their head but it's up to them to water it and give it light...

[Maverick32x]

My ex-gf was bi-polar among MANY other things.. and I was present for her switches... it was insane... there was one weekend I remember where she just laid around ALL DAY!!! and I was like, "hey, you want to.. ya know.. do something? " and she didnt, we just sat around.. and that was fine...

 

Then she wakes me up at 4AM asking me if the library was open, and that she wanted to research a bunch of things.. and I'm like. whoa.. what just happened? and she continued to be in this manic state for the rest of the day.. wanting to do all this ridiculous stuff...

 

This is one example of many.. plus she had been committed to a psych ward before...

 

needless to say I still love that crazy girl..... so yea, I wish her the best I wouldn't go out of my way to call her out on it, or try to get her help... regardless of her situation.. shes making choices she thinks are the best for her.. its her life.... shes old enough to make decisions now

[baffled]

My ex had some severe mental problems at one point in her life, not long before we met. Diagnosed with OCD, depression, anorexia, and was suicidal at one point. I think the OCD was more pure-O and was pretty extreme. Anyway, she got on medication and therapy, we met not long after, and she always seemed fine. She had to stop therapy at some point, not sure exactly when, but things seemed to gradually deteriorate with her. And when she went off her meds for 3 months (I didn't know she did it at the time).... wow.

 

She left at a time of intense stress for her; she's never handled stress well. She pretty much just snapped. Like you, I never understood what OCD really was until after she left because I never saw any severe problems with it. Since she was, I think, more pure-o most of the stuff was in her head. Since I was so confused by everything I did some research and everything made more sense. Relationship OCD and all that. Plus I guess OCD is very often comorbid with a lot of personality disorders. She fits a lot of the symptoms of borderline and her behavior during the breakup was classic borderline from what I've read. I'm damn sure she has histrionic and avoidant personality disorders too. A lot of the stuff overlaps... there's rarely one distinct diagnosis.

 

She knows she needs help and wants to see a psychologist. Unfortunately she can't afford health insurance right now, so who knows. I haven't brought up that I think she has symptoms of these personality disorders, but I did tell her recently that I understood OCD a lot better now and if she ever needed to talk about her thoughts/obsessions she could talk to me. We're kind of in low contact at the moment and I'm not exactly sure where things are going to lead.

[Pixiedoc]

Why don't you just send him an email with a couple of links in it and leave it at that. You never know, he might keep them or go back to them at some point by himself. I think that's the best you can hope for.

 

I was with someone with bipolar (undiagnosed since childhood) and once I realised what it was, and the lengths he went to to try and hide it, I tried to get him to go for counselling. No chance. For many people it's just too uncomfortable the LAST person they want to talk about it with is you. Or anyone. But usually there are issues that they REALLY need to uncover to get at the roots of the problem.

 

It's a real pity but there's a chance he will just close down anyway, not just on you but on anyone that offers him advice. When someone is at rock bottom with OCD, or depression, or bipolar, sometimes there is a * * * * * when they are desparate for help/diagnosis where they'll accept help, but if they are, in their eyes, just getting on with life, usually they want to push it under the carpet. Good luck WW.

[ellandroader]

I suspect mine had some problems with the way she was and how erratic her emotions were. One minute I was the greatest thing since sliced bread, the next I was toast. When she could open up and express herself, she was all over me but when she couldn't....well I was in the doghouse. In the same sentence, I was special, she adored me, could see me there for years to come but was crying at the thought of it not working out.

 

Fear and so forth could justify that but she was passive aggressive I felt and what could explain some of the abuse I received? She single-handedly sent me into depression over the holidays with her behavior.

 

She admitted right towards the end that she had lots of issues, most of which stemmed from unresolved conflicts and grief. I noticed that she tended to brush it under the carpet and her family seemed to rationalise and promote the victim mentality in her favour as opposed to combatting these things. I don't think I can really say what was up with her but it hurt me to know she was in pain and there was little I could do.

[viajera]

I'm pretty certain that my 6-year ex was borderline, or atleast antisocial (even though it's more common in women, he exhibited many of the classic symptoms) plus narcissistic. He got his BS in Psychology - he even admitted once or twice that he studied Psych in order to figure himself out. He also had been diagnosed with cyclothemia and had previously taken drugs for it, but adamantly refused to during the time we were together. I did manage to make him get back on the drugs once under threat of leaving, but he quit after a couple months.

 

As for the BPD/Narcissism, he also had had a terrible childhood, involving abandonment and abuse by family members, and I thought for a while that his actions were in response to the abuse, rather than an actual disorder (his sister, who grew up in the same environment, also had severe depression and made multiple suicide attempts before she finally succeeded, near the end of our relationship). Then when I began to strongly suspect that he had an actual disorder more serious than cyclothemia while we were together, I naively thought that I could help cure him, that if he loved me enough he would get help and deal with his problems. Yeah, I know - naive, much?!?!? I know better now - lesson learned! You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

[lavenderdove]

>>His dad was critical and not empathetic. This is a definite cause of OCD.

 

Actually, OCD is biochemical in nature (a biochemical brain disorder that can be successfully treated with medication).

 

There could be all kinds of other reasons for his behavior, from controlling parents, to personality type, so i wouldn't make ad hoc assumptions about whether he has OCD or not.

 

Most people with true OCD have other issues like obsessive cleanliness or fear of dirt and germs, repeating certain behaviors such as locking doors/turning off light 7 times etc.

 

The things you describe as his problems don't appear on the list of what OCD is:

 

link removed

 

So unless he also has those hallmarks, there's a good chance it's not OCD in the true sense. People can be very controlling and rigid and competitive personality types and fearful and it may have nothing to do with OCD. It could be a sign of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) or any number of other issues/problems.

 

So I wouldn't presume to tell him he had OCD if he doesn't also have the classic hallmarks of the condition. He may very well need counseling, but i wouldn't diagnose him offhand or that might create hostility or anxiety or make him question your motivation.

[WomanWriter]

Thanks for sharing all this, you guys. Any others?

 

Lavenderdove, he does reptitively clean himself (not his hands) when he goes into the bathroom---to the point where he bleeds. He does a lot of things on that list...just not the cliche hand-washing/light flipping...but he does ritualistic things as well.

 

But your point is well-taken.

 

I'm not going to email him because I think you're right--he probably WILL question my motivation...and it's not my place to tell him anyway. If we were still talking all the time, I might bring it up (since he thought he had it, himself) but out of the blue is too inappropriate. I don't think I'd like it if he contacted me to diagnose me.

 

One thing I want to say about all these disorders is that I do think it's hard to say whether someone has a full blown "mental illness" or just strong traits similar to the mental illness. I guess it depends how much these things impact their lives.

 

But again, I guess most of us can't do much about it since we're broken up. I'm glad you all shared though and looking forward to reading others' experiences.

[jennamajig]

Hmm, my ex had a thing with germs. If I had a cold it was like I had the plague to him and I had to stay far, far away. He was always "sick," but to be honest, a lot of times, the colds he had were made 10x worse by his thinking. (And he'd be taking Airborne like crazy). Every time, and I mean every time, I sneezed the first words out of his mouth were "Are you getting sick?"

 

Germs don't really bug me. I mean, yes, you don't out of limb to expose yourself to something you don't need to, but if I'm living with my boyfriend, I'm not going to avoid him. We lived in a small apartment, so I've been exposed. No big deal. (I wonder if that is why I have a pretty good immune system - being exposed to many things, lol).

 

He was also very critical of certain things (usually little). When we broke up, he started listing everything he didn't like about me and they were all extremely little things, including how I chew with my mouth open and he's told me and that I do nothing about it when I tried but you can't turn off a habit you've apparently been doing for 26 years in a heartbeat (I tried, I did...). Needless to say, it made the break-up even harder for me and for a long time, I thought I was so imperfect that no one would like me because of these things and that he was right.

 

If he does have some OCD, it is his to deal with.

[osterfanish]

This sounds like possible Borderline Personality Disorder - something I believe my ex is also afflicted with.

[purplekangaroo]

I may get slapped a little for this post, and it's no offense to you, WomanWriter (or anyone else). I just want to point out that it's not particularly productive to spend a ton of time thinking about what's "wrong" with one's ex. And I feel like a lot of folks on this forum like to dish out diagnoses to explain their break-ups.

 

I'm sure we could come up with a "disorder" that each one of us has, too, especially since (as WW pointed out very cleverly) these things are on a continuum.

 

Of course you're right to have sympathy for others' problems - I just hope you don't need to label someone's rejection of you as the result of a disease in order to cope with it effectively!

[WomanWriter]

....just kidding

 

I'm not trying to blame partners for mental illnesses or justify the break-ups using such...I just get into these phases where I muse and want to share the musings here, since I know others have had similar experiences.

 

It's just something I really noticed when I started looking up OCD symptoms for MYSELF. When I saw these tendencies in myself, it explained a lot of my behavior and just gave me a framework of understanding to work with. Part of the reason I like answers to these things in the first place is probably the O part of the OCD in the first place

 

But I totally agree...I mean, we could be analyzing what we and our partners have all day. It's not gonna change anything but I don't feel it hurts anything either---although I do worry about my ex, I know he can take care of himself. I just think it's a shame that he may be missing out on some understading that can help him. I wish we BOTH would have learned how to chill more and not be so anal about everything. But that's for him to figure out.

 

Can't blame me for musing though, can you?

 

 

 

 

I may get slapped a little for this post, and it's no offense to you, WomanWriter (or anyone else). I just want to point out that it's not particularly productive to spend a ton of time thinking about what's "wrong" with one's ex. And I feel like a lot of folks on this forum like to dish out diagnoses to explain their break-ups.

 

I'm sure we could come up with a "disorder" that each one of us has, too, especially since (as WW pointed out very cleverly) these things are on a continuum.

 

Of course you're right to have sympathy for others' problems - I just hope you don't need to label someone's rejection of you as the result of a disease in order to cope with it effectively!

[John Bendix]

I may get slapped a little for this post, and it's no offense to you, WomanWriter (or anyone else). I just want to point out that it's not particularly productive to spend a ton of time thinking about what's "wrong" with one's ex. And I feel like a lot of folks on this forum like to dish out diagnoses to explain their break-ups.

 

I'm sure we could come up with a "disorder" that each one of us has, too, especially since (as WW pointed out very cleverly) these things are on a continuum.

 

Of course you're right to have sympathy for others' problems - I just hope you don't need to label someone's rejection of you as the result of a disease in order to cope with it effectively!

 

I agree that it is not productive to spend time thinking about how ex's left or if they are suffering from some disorder. It is not a psrt of your life situation anymore. The past is gone and only the image of it can be called up.

 

That said, that image is a tool, if used correctly, can allow you see a commonality of actions, reactions and behavior that you would not like to experience again. Everyone suffers from some sort of emotional dysfunction but differ only in degree. When it reaches a certain level of dysfunction, the medical community labels it a certain disorder, due to the commonality of symptoms.

 

If someone tries to conjure up a disorder to rationalize their ex's departure, that is indeed maladaptive. Looking for answers to very irrational behavior on the part of another person is not trying to blame a disorder for their relationship problems.

 

Intimate relationship create the most greatest emotional reactions that a person may ever go through and in turn, the greatest chance of emotional dysfunction. I'm sorry, but I do not see anywhere in this forum where posters are simply diagnosing mental/emotional disorders as the cause for their break-ups.

 

I think the OP was merely throwing out food for thought.