LAYAAN Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 I'm single, have never been married, not dating anyone. Recently I was approached by a man and while I don't remember the words right, he said "My divorce is not final yet, but it would be over soon. I would love to stay in touch with you and get to know you more." What is meant by this? What should I watch out for here? What kinda questions should I ask him to find out where he is at in terms of his divorce? I'm surprised that he doesn't want to spend some time grieving, understanding what happened, hopefully finding closure through all this and coming closer to himself, growing, becoming mature through all this. The divorce is not even final and he is already looking for girls? Would you consider this to be a red flag? thank you. Link to comment
walkinnahaze Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 It would probably be wise to know the circumstances of his pending divorce. If he and his STBX have been separated for awhile, he may have already gone through the grieving process, and is ready to move on with his life. If he is still living with his X, or the divorce is a new thing, then I think there might be some cause for concern. Everyone is going to have different emotional reactions as to when they are ready to move on. I would be worried the most about is if he is really going through a divorce, or if he is just saying that to get you to go out with him. He didn't say he was separated, which would definitely give me some pause. If in doubt, just tell him that you would love to get to know him better, but you don't go out with married men; have him give you a call when his divorce is final. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 thank you very much for your response. I think thats what I'm gonna tell him when he calls me today. Call me again once your divorce is final. Link to comment
viajera Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Tinu - that's smart. It may be true that he's going through the divorce (and then, yes, he's moving on awful quickly!). But then again I once dated a man who assured me that he and his wife were separated and in the process of getting a divorce....until a couple months later I got a phone call from a VERY angry wife screaming at me that I was responsible for breaking up their family and ruining their children's lives!!! I will NEVER go through that again - I felt sooo horrible. If I'd known, I would never have dated him. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Also keep in mind that lots of married men lie and claim to be separated and divorced when they're not. Perhaps the wife lives in a different town, or they are in your town on business, or they just want to meet at your house and you never know where they live. So be careful and do research before agreeing to get involved with a married man who you can't validate is truly separated. Also, in theory if he isn't divorced yet, you could be named as paramour in a divorce suit if the wife finds out you've been with her husband. Really best to wait until the divorce is final (and you can prove it) for anything other than phone or email conversations. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted May 18, 2009 Author Share Posted May 18, 2009 thanx everyone for your reply. I talked with him today and he said "She initiated the divorce. Now, if someone doesn't want to live with you, what can you do about it? We have been living separately since January and there is no room for reconciliation. We have chosen to go the mediation route now." I told him "I like your profile and I am glad to know that you are interested in getting to know me better. I'm also interested in getting to know you, but I'd be more comfortable talking with you once your divorce is finalized. You have my phone no. and email ID. I'd appreciate if you get back in touch with me once you are through this phase of life (I told him that I don't want to use that word over n over). It was good getting to know you so far, good luck, and take care." Link to comment
walkinnahaze Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 Smart move. Sounds like you handled it really well. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted May 18, 2009 Author Share Posted May 18, 2009 thank you walkinhaze, I got that idea from your post. Link to comment
grymoire Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 Tinu, I would advise you to wait until his divorce is finalized and he is legally separated from his wife (if you are interested in him that is). Also, don't think it is a red flag for a guy going through divorce looking for girls. He may have moved on emotionally a long time ago. For example, my friend got married to a girl in Nov 2007 (arranged marriage). His wife asked for divorce the very next month. For the whole of 2008 he tried to work the marriage but it went nowhere. He is now proceeding with the divorce papers etc. Also, his wife has moved out of his house. In this situation I wouldn't be too surprised if he is looking for girls. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted May 19, 2009 Author Share Posted May 19, 2009 Yes, Gry, I want to give him a chance. Yes, he said that he has emotionally moved on. I'm not sure he has. I want to get to know him better. Just want to wait until his process is over. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I met my bf when he was seperated from his wife. But, they had been seperated for years, so I guess he was ready. Since we have been together, they got divorced and we are still together. Wow! That was ten years ago. How time flies. Some guys are ready to move on before the divorce is final, some aren't. Link to comment
Pixiedoc Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I think you have handled this really well so far. If his ex has initiated the divorce he may find it more difficult to deal with than the other way round and take longer to get over it. Also mediation is used either to achieve an amicable divorce especially where there are children OR to get them back together again - which is his? And how old are his children? All relevant in the scheme of things. Very important also NOT to be seen as 'the other woman' even though he said they were separated/divorced otherwise it could backfire in a major way as another poster has noted. Hang back and wait for his response. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted May 20, 2009 Author Share Posted May 20, 2009 right, walkinhaze gave me that idea. No, he doesn't have kids. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 I would give him a chance. Some people move on quickly. But do a county records check on-line and make sure the actual papers have been filed (all divorces are public record). Some divorces can take many months to finalize and many people are in relationships by that time. UPDATE: I see that you told him to contact you after the divorce is final, so I guess all this is a moot point now. I would have gone out with him (after going on line and making sure the divorce had really been filed). Link to comment
clobsy Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Not trying to sound rude but i feel from the way your OP sounds you might be a very skeptical person. Someone that cannot easily trust the other person. I am not saying you need to blindly trust someone but you have to give them a chance. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted May 27, 2009 Author Share Posted May 27, 2009 I would give him a chance. Some people move on quickly. But do a county records check on-line and make sure the actual papers have been filed (all divorces are public record). Some divorces can take many months to finalize and many people are in relationships by that time. UPDATE: I see that you told him to contact you after the divorce is final, so I guess all this is a moot point now. I would have gone out with him (after going on line and making sure the divorce had really been filed). Hi Misskitty, thanx for the additional info. I'll try to find this information out. Well, I don't want to go out with him, I don't want to even talk with him until he proves that his divorce is final. Thats just me. I feel like I'm talking with someone else's husband. The guy has clearly not moved on, b'coz when we talked he kept referring to his ex "My wife was like this. I hate it. I dont' want this anymore. She was like that. I hate it. I dont' want to deal with that." Dude, you can just say "this is what I want. This is what I'm looking for." See, thats what I'm talking about. Don't jump into other relationship before you deal with your grief and regain your peace n confidence with what happened in your relationship. You have to go through different stages of grieving and be able to see yourself n the other person objectively. Understand what happened, take responsibility for your part of it. Understand what you can/can't handle and then look for another girl. Marriage is difficult under best circumstance. Why bother putting a burden on the other person to help you through the grieving process? They didn't put you through this. Its like girls getting into rebound relationships after breakup. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted May 27, 2009 Author Share Posted May 27, 2009 Not trying to sound rude but i feel from the way your OP sounds you might be a very skeptical person. Someone that cannot easily trust the other person. I am not saying you need to blindly trust someone but you have to give them a chance. Yes, I'm skeptical. My life is on the line. I'll be skeptical. I am giving him a chance which I'm not sure I should (not b'coz he is divorced) but read my reply above to someone's post. He also told me that he wants to get married before mid 2010. So, I'm sitting here wondering, "dude, you are not even through your divorce, you don't have another girl lined up and you have marriage date fixed? Wake up. Be real here." Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted May 27, 2009 Author Share Posted May 27, 2009 Misskitty, can you please guide me where to find that information? Him and I are in different counties. Thank you, Link to comment
BriarRose Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Misskitty, can you please guide me where to find that information? Him and I are in different counties. .. Just find the county website (try googling it - most counties have a website) and go to the link for public records or courts. Keep in mind, you would have to know in which county his divorce was filed. In other words, he may be living in a different county now than the one in which the divorce was filed. There should be no charge for this search if you are on the right site. Make sure you look up county, not city. They are county records. Link to comment
clobsy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Yes, I'm skeptical. My life is on the line. I'll be skeptical. I am giving him a chance which I'm not sure I should (not b'coz he is divorced) but read my reply above to someone's post. He also told me that he wants to get married before mid 2010. So, I'm sitting here wondering, "dude, you are not even through your divorce, you don't have another girl lined up and you have marriage date fixed? Wake up. Be real here." hmm.. yea, that sounds a bit odd. why would he have a deadline to get married? looks like he is in a rush... i would advise you to be cautious in this case. Link to comment
walkinnahaze Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 Yes, I'm skeptical. My life is on the line. I'll be skeptical. I am giving him a chance which I'm not sure I should (not b'coz he is divorced) but read my reply above to someone's post. He also told me that he wants to get married before mid 2010. So, I'm sitting here wondering, "dude, you are not even through your divorce, you don't have another girl lined up and you have marriage date fixed? Wake up. Be real here." Whoa - that sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. It sounds as if he is needy, and can't stand being alone. That might mean he will get married to the first woman who shows an interest, regardless of compatability or long term life goals. If you do get involved with him, don't let him rush you or manipulate you into a decision - as you said, this is your life. I'm not saying to run and hide, but you are probably right to exercise some healthy skepticism. Link to comment
alcide Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 stay away from him. He is not emotional, he is not sensitive. Takes life for granted. Link to comment
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