Physical insecurity: how to sabotage attraction!

[Clarity]

I'm writing this post to get a message out that I'm hoping will help some people understand a perspective that they may not be aware of. To shed a light on some behaviour that can be destructive, even though the person doing it is unaware of that effect.

 

Let's face it, we all have insecurities about our physical appearance - some much more, others much less, but we've all felt that we wished some physical part of us was different at some point in time in our lives. The problem is, in a physically intimate relationship, these insecurities can become magnified.

 

This situation happens with both genders and I don't want to seem like I'm only implicating females here, but that is where my experience is - so of course I'd love to hear similar accounts from the women.

 

Ladies, be honest - say you're not feeling too great about body part X - are you guilty of asking your guy what he thinks about it? And if he re-assures you that he finds body part X and you as a whole, attractive - does that make it go away? Or do you continue in your insecurity? I can understand why some continue in it - they think "of course he tells me that he likes the way I look - he has to and he's not an impartial judge". On the one hand, you get a loving re-assurance that makes you feel good, but on the other hand, your insecurities are not solved, but merely temporarily calmed.

 

So, at a later point in time, your insecurity returns, you display your insecurity to him again, and he re-assures you - you feel better, no harm done, right? Wrong.

 

What's being forgotten is the other person in the equation. Put yourself in the guy's shoes. You think your girlfriend is attractive, you like her, like the way she looks - you re-assure her that she's attractive. First time it's fine, second it's fine, but as it keeps going, it has an effect. Lack of confidence is unattractive - in an effort to re-assure your guy's attraction in you, you will eventually lower it! If you spend a lot of time telling your guy how YOU view your own body, he might start viewing it in that same negative way too, only because you're constantly reminding him of how you see yourself.

 

My advice: insecurities exist, we all have them and they are unavoidable. What we can control, is how we handle them. It's fine to look to a partner for re-assurance, but don't make it a crutch, because that crutch has an effect on your partner that you may not be aware of. Look for re-assurance, but also for ways to rid yourself of your insecurity, either by making positive changes to your body, or to your self-image and confidence.

 

Confidence is sexy, people. Don't sabotage yourself!

 

(this may or may not come from personal experience )

[dreamwarrior]

I agree! If you feel something is needed to perk yourself up then hit the gym!

[itsallgrand]

It's a good post, Clarity.

 

Too bad some of us had to learn the hard way, eh.

[Capricorn3]

Good post. I agree, people definitely can sabotage a relationship with their insecurities, especially if they do go on and on about it. As they say, "if you hear it enough you eventually believe it".

[Clarity]

It's a good post, Clarity.

 

Too bad some of us had to learn the hard way, eh.

 

Well it's happening to me right now - I think my GF is very attractive, but she doesn't agree. She plays down compliments and even feels insecure if I *look* at her body when we're intimate. For now, I'm fine - I still find her attractive, but when I think more deeply about it, it does lower my attraction for her. Not her physical appearance, but her lack of confidence in herself. I hope to be able to help her change that, but in the meantime, I thought I'd warn others!

 

That's not to say that I haven't done this in the past. I'm sure my weight issues that I had in the past (and are now thankfully behind me due to hard work) resulted in me appearing less attractive to my ex, not due to my weight, but due to my insecurity about it.

[ellandroader]

Good post. I agree, people definitely can sabotage a relationship with their insecurities, especially if they do go on and on about it. As they say, "if you hear it enough you eventually believe it".

 

 

*Nods yes in agreement*

 

And also negative attitudes towards you and the relationship in general that are just unwarranted....

[JenniferSNJ]

I completely agree with the OP. I never vent about my body to the guy I'm dating. It's not his issue, it's mine. Whatever he says, it's not going to change how I see myself so why torture him.

[COtuner]

I'm guilty of this, but for different reasons. Since my first BF cheated on me constantly and always put me down, I learned to believe I would never measure up to anyone else in a guy's eyes. So I was always apologizing for being me. And yeah, my ex didn't like it at all. Unfortunately, a guy friend is always pointing out things I could do to look more like someone else, and it is hurting my self esteem again... Thanks to the first BF, I'm forever vulnerable to that.

[Clarity]

I'm guilty of this, but for different reasons. Since my first BF cheated on me constantly and always put me down, I learned to believe I would never measure up to anyone else in a guy's eyes. So I was always apologizing for being me. And yeah, my ex didn't like it at all. Unfortunately, a guy friend is always pointing out things I could do to look more like someone else, and it is hurting my self esteem again... Thanks to the first BF, I'm forever vulnerable to that.

 

I sympathize with your past experience, but at the same time I disagree with this attitude. It's easy to chalk it up as out of your control, as if somehow your first BF has some ever-lasting power over you and your mindset. He doesn't. It's you who carries these insecurities on - no one else. In the end, you control them.

 

There are undoubtedly guys out there who find you attractive, just the way you are. All you have to do is find the confidence to go along with that

[ProtestTheHero]

I struggle with these feelings, and I am a guy.

 

I've never made the women I'm dating aware of these feelings, though. I've never fished for affirmation, asked for reassurance, or brought up my concerns. I realize it's my own cross to bear, so I drag it in silence or else fall down alone.

 

I think it's simple enough to tell people not to do it. I don't think anyone would disagree that it's not productive or damaging, but life often shows us that these feelings are rooted in reality. They aren't totally baseless or without merit. Unfortunately, there's no a+b+c = no longer insecure method to follow to get over it.

 

I don't know whether or not I can or ever will "get over it," but I can at least shut up about it.

[DJDamage]

The best confidence is a genuine one. I mean if you are extremly overweight, you can look at yourself in the mirror all day and believe you are attractive but it ain't going to help you as much when it comes to attracting the opposite sex in the real world.

 

If you are feeling a little lumpy in your stomach area then maybe its time to tackle the problem head on and go to the gym and get that body you always wanted.

 

You shouldn't ask your partner to reassure you because:

 

A) they are most likely going to lie to you

 

B) you are showing your insecurity which is a turn off by itself for the partner.

 

How do you know you feel and look attractive? when you are still able to attract the opposite sex while still being in a relationship. That is the best kind of affirmation to have because:

 

A) Knowing you are able to attract a stranger whom you never met proves that you still got it

 

B) Your partner seeing that you are getting attention from the opposite sex will naturally get a little bit anxious and worried which is good because now they will value you even more and instead of packing on the pounds and not take care of themselves will actually continue to take care of themselves. This is prehaps the most important reason as to why marriages fall apart, not enough attraction remains in the end.

 

This is especially true regarding women and how they percieve their partner's value because they tend to value their partners attractiveness not only as how they perceive him but also as other women perceive him. If a guy walks into a bar alone he will get less attention then a guy who is surronded by a couple of women because other women will start wondering what's so special about him?!

[waveseer]

This is true and it's also a good topic. Just for balance I would like to state the converse:

 

No matter what your physical flaws are, if you accept and love yourself exactly the way you are right now then you are by default attractive and will attract attention.

 

There is no way to change this fact and it is true no matter how "lumpy" one's body is.

[Clarity]

The best confidence is a genuine one. I mean if you are extremly overweight, you can look at yourself in the mirror all day and believe you are attractive but it ain't going to help you as much when it comes to attracting the opposite sex in the real world.

 

If you are feeling a little lumpy in your stomach area then maybe its time to tackle the problem head on and go to the gym and get that body you always wanted.

 

You shouldn't ask your partner to reassure you because:

 

A) they are most likely going to lie to you

 

B) you are showing your insecurity which is a turn off by itself for the partner.

 

While I mostly agree, I wasn't just referring to weight problems - some physical insecurities can't be as easily gotten rid of as being overweight.

 

Also, I don't think getting re-assurance in moderation is a terrible thing - if your partner can't re-assure you once, or a few times, that's a bad sign.

 

And they don't always have to be lieing. The whole problem with this situation (at least the one I'm in), is two people who see the same body with a completely different perspective. One sees it as attractive, the other criticizes it constantly.

[Pappers]

interesting post... I certainly feel insecure about some things regarding my body. I am 6ft tall, and slightly taller than my boyfriend, about half an inch. When we first started dating he asked why I wore heels and mentioned he didn't really like it when I looked taller than him. I've had only one other boyfriend slightly shorter than me and he quite liked my height, so when my current bf mentioned this I felt insecure. I've always stood out in crowds and that is something I've had to live with, and eventually embrace.

 

Anyway, I can't change my height, but what I am no longer wearing heels on a regular basis. Or when I am around him. And because I am so tall, that means the rest of me is big too - I am not one of those tiny petite girls... I have long legs, yes but they are also in proportion to my height so I can never fit into small clothes. I'm a size 8 / 155 lbs this feeling of being heavier and bigger than my boyfriend does make me feel insecure. Sometimes I wish I was tiny.

 

Anyway, some things you can't change, and have to learn to love yourself. And even though I don't shop at Abercrombie size 0, I can wear some great clothes that only tall people can pull off. And I can give great wrap around bear hugs : )