asking for help (+ "introduction")

[yourstruly]

Hi,

I just registered here and first of all, I'd like to say that you people have a really great community here! I hope you'll accept me as a new member. My LTR girlfriend (we lived together for 3 years) broke up with me less than two weeks ago, and after that unfortunate event I accidentally bumped to this forum. Since then I've come here daily to read in order to keep myself somehow in one piece. So thank you all for existing!

 

Anyway, now I've decided to write here because I would ask your insight in a matter I fear I'm not able to think through objectively enough. But to ask for your help I must first give some background information, so please let me explain (sorry for the long post but I feel it's important, to get a better picture!)

 

As I said, we lived together for 3 years. My ex-girlfriend is younger than me, around 20 (I'm 25). I truly love her. With all the up and downs, goods and bads, I love her. But it seems that it just wasn't enough for her...

 

Our relationship was fine, but some months ago she started going a lot to parties with her friends. I, being a bit older, didn't feel like partying that much, so I stayed many times at home. I however thought that the relationship was still going on quite fine, until about month ago when we had a fight and she said to me that she felt "trapped" in our relationship. That came as a total surprise to me! However, we came together up with a solution that when there would be opportunity, she would move into her own apartment for a while, to get some own space (she moved together with me straight from her home, so I understood her situation perfectly).

 

After the incident, we continued our relationship normally until two weeks ago. I was away for a weekend trip. When I came back she wasn't home and neither did she come back home during that whole night. She had said that she would go to see her friend but I must confess that I was a bit angry because she knew I would come back in that night or the next morning. Anyway, she showed up in the next day after her work, and I questioned her about where she had been. Well, she then became very pissed off and told me that she had stayed at her friend and that her day was now ruined after seeing me. I was a bit shocked of her attitude and asked what did she mean with all that and she replied that during the weekend she had realized that although she really cares about me a lot, she didn't want to be with me anymore. She also hoped that I wouldn't hate her for that. Needless to say I was really devastated! After that she left quite quickly so we didn't have time to talk more. I just cried and cried.

 

She however contacted me afterwards and asked me what to do as she didn't have an own apartment. I said to her that she could stay at mine until she got her own (I had another place to hang out). I guess I thought that could be one way to show her that I really love her. I also told her that I didn't hate her. So after that I went to NC and continued my grieving.

 

Then, couple of days ago I couldn't get sleep and was hanging in chat during the night, with some random nickname, when suddenly she pops to the same chatroom (yes, I'm absolutely, 100% positive it was her). Well, I was quite surprised, because it was night and I expected her to be sleeping. I just stayed silent and followed the conversation. Anyway, it turned out that she had been drinking. But guess how surprised I was when she started talking about her ex-relationship and when she told that she had had another man (for some time apparently) already before our relationship ended!!!

 

I became really furious, but managed to keep myself cool enough until the next morning, when I marched to my apartment and told her that she had one day to get all her stuff out. Then I told her that I had found out about her cheating me and hated her by all my heart and then I left (she burst out crying). Mind you, I was really angry at what she had done back then! So when I came back to my apartment, she had left me a note, where she had written that things weren't as I had thought and that she hadn't cheated me. She wrote that there happened something during that weekend when i was away, but that she didn't cheat me. And that she would care about me even if I hated her but that she wouldn't want such accusations.

 

 

Now finally, to the question part! Thank you a lot if you have had enough patience to read this far!

 

So now I'm just really confused. Should I believe her? But what are those things she wrote in chat then? Moreover, she has now already another man. This fast? She originally told me that she wants to break up because she wanted to be alone. And I thought she wasn't interested in others, because for the last two months when we were together there was no sex because she said that she wasn't interested in sex at all (with anyone) at the moment (I thought it was just something that would go away with time).

 

I also think that I really am not able to hate her. I was just so furious at that moment. I love her so much. Part of me would take her back instantly, even though she dumped me and maybe(?) cheated on me. So, should I break my couple-of-days NC now and say her that I'm sorry?

 

I wouldn't want her to start to hate me or anything as I don't want to zero my already slim chances of getting back together with her someday. Yes, I know i'm pathetic...

 

Any opinions...? Thanks a lot!

[AJEDrew7]

Please don't talk to her at all anytime soon. She left you for another guy (whether she was cheating or not...she was definitely at least emotionally cheating on you) Either way, she made the judgment that this other guy was more important to her and better than you (in her eyes). Now, she MAY realize that her judgment is wrong in the future but for now you need to grieve, remain NC for a long while, and work at getting over the relationship. Its the best way to get over her because right now that's the most important thing for you moving forward with your life and finding someone to love you and only you and not want you to leave for someone else.

[frustration]

I agree with AJEDrew7, I don't think you should get back with her. I personally believe that once a cheater (if she did) always a cheater. There are alot of women out there that will treat you well and for you to do the same to her. Time is the best healer. I think it might be wise to stay away from her for a while, evertime you see her you will want her more. Look after number 1 for a while

[AJEDrew7]

Exactly. I don't think whether she was telling the truth or not was important. Lying is lesser to the situation as is and there's no way to actually know whether she was or not (you can only speculate about it...was she lying to try and protect me, was online the truth? etc. you will never know) The most important thing here is the fact that she clearly doesn't have the same feelings for you anymore and that's something you can't control or change so you need to move on (as difficult as that may be). You're already at point in healing, realizing that time will heal things (sometimes, its too hard to believe or imagine your life without a person...I myself included in that group) Good luck to you and hope all gets better soon.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. Let me understand--she left you and is with someone else, and you don't want her to believe that you're angry about that?

 

Your anger in this case was a healthy form of self-respect--and she likely respects you FOR that. Don't blow that away. You will thank yourself later.

 

Head high. I hope you'll write more if it helps.

 

In your corner.

[Pixiedoc]

You have no need at all to apologise. She was lucky you let her stay in your apartment that long, she was lucky you were so understanding.

 

She probaby just wanted to backtrack once you had found her out, and figured you might believe her. I think she was cheating (her attitude towards you during 'that' weekend provides evidence of that as well).

 

I would leave it for the time being as you might get sucked in again if you contact her so soon. If you still want to be friends wait for a while and see if you still feel the same in a few weeks. You might just think 'good riddance' at that point - remember she cheated and is still with that person. Good luck with whatever you decide.