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Parents v.s. child's personality


yeawutever

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5 Simple Psychological Principles f...
5 Simple Psychological Principles for Healthy Parenting

Ok is it really true what some people say the sticter the better because I don't buy that for one second.

 

The child't naturally personality plays a huge role too. What about those are horrible socipaths such as the kid from the movie ''The Good Son''.

 

See I'm getting sick of tired of some people blaming almost the parents. I often hear on post comments such as ''Well in my old days we would get the switch, belt, ect. '' or '' It's them parents that don't whipped them, do it and you won't need to worry about your kid being in jail as adults''.

 

Ok but then what if they actually do that and no reasons. What about cases where the child had a nice upbringing, strict discipline and is end up a horrible person for no reason.

 

So is it really the parents or the child's nature????

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Nature vs nurture - I always go with a bit of both.

 

I had a very very strict upbringing and for the most part, it shaped my moral character more than anything else. I have a very centered moral compass.

 

My behavior was a whole different story. I never did anything my parents told me within the household. I fought back against spankings, orders, and also against the abuse that started in my tweens. They'd hit me, I'd hit back, until I was knocked down enough that I physically could not fight back (but the spirit never broke)

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It won't be the case for everyone (Think most serial killers, they had some of the best upbringings a child could ask for yet look how they turned out). But I do think the way a parent raises their child plays a HUGE role in how the children turn out. If a child never has structure or rules to follow I don't see them turning out to be the best people. However if a child is brought up in an extremely strict household it can screw them up to where they finally get the freedom they go ape * * * * and get into trouble and all of that.

 

You also have to look at the people who say they were brought up in strict households and ask them what they consider "strict" (Not being allowed out after 11 isn't being strict, just an example) I have a few friends growing up that claimed their parents were incredibly strict and sucked come to find out they only thought they were strict because they couldn't do as they pleased yet still had a decent boundary of things they were allowed to do.

 

So while I do think parents play such a large role, you can't always blame a parent for their children growing up and ending up screwed up.

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My behavior was a whole different story. I never did anything my parents told me within the household. I fought back against spankings, orders, and also against the abuse that started in my tweens. They'd hit me, I'd hit back, until I was knocked down enough that I physically could not fight back (but the spirit never broke)

 

You sure were a fighter. LOL yea I don't like being verbally threatened where it almost gets close to physical. I did hit my mother back on two occassions, afterall first I was 19, an adult. She only tap me but it got me pissed off so I slap my arm and basically grab her on both arms till she got scared and was crying.

 

Then I almost wanted to hit my father once like about 5 months ago. How dare he verbally threatened me. At the point my mind just goes blank and go crazy when I feel threatened so yea I can hurt that person in the process.

 

But yea that's my rule, you wanna solve things with threatening or with violence ok then don't be surprise when I reply back.

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You sure were a fighter. LOL yea I don't like being verbally threatened where it almost gets close to physical. I did hit my mother back on two occassions, afterall first I was 19, an adult. She only tap me but it got me pissed off so I slap my arm and basically grab her on both arms till she got scared and was crying.

 

Then I almost wanted to hit my father once like about 5 months ago. How dare he verbally threatened. At the point my mind just goes blank and go crazy when I feel threatened so yea I can hurt that person in the process.

 

But yea that's my rule, you wanna solve things with threatening or with violence ok then don't be surprise when I reply back.

 

Keep this up and one day they might just end up putting you in jail for assault.

 

If my child ever did something like that, I don't care how old he is if he ever raises a hand at me to hit me he will be picking himself up at the floor. He can be 30 years old and 6'6 for all I care he will wake up on the floor probably missing teeth... Then after that he will find his butt sitting next to bubba in jail for assault. One way or the other he will think twice before thinking about raising his hand at me again.

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If my child ever did something like that, I don't care how old he is if he ever raises a hand at me to hit me he will be picking himself up at the floor. He can be 30 years old and 6'6 for all I care he will wake up on the floor probably missing teeth... Then after that he will find his butt sitting next to bubba in jail for assault. One way or the other he will think twice before thinking about raising his hand at me again.

 

You're speaking like I started. I don't, it her that snap first. As for my dad he started the BS and what should I do, remain in silent and do nothing.

 

My rule is simple. Don't snap, threatened me verbally nor with gestures and don't hit off course else I'll hit you back. It's common sense, it's about respect from both sides.

You're ok with me and don't hit, I'm ok with you and I won't lay a hand on you.

This also applies to my boyfriend and anyone else. But however in my boyfriend's case I would leave him right after I hit him back.

 

That's just me, if I get hit or verbally snap I always feel the need to snap back, that's the way it goes for me. The dragon within me just comes out.

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I don't care who started it they are your parents, if you don't like what they are saying walk away. That sort of attitude will get you into trouble, if not with your parents it will be with someone else. I used to be the same way until I was sitting in front of a judge pleading not to go to jail for assault. Yea I changed my views real quick, If I ever find myself in a situation where someone is pissing me off I leave.

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I was brought up in a strict and very sheltered environment, but at the same time I was showered with lots of love and affection. I had been spanked with a slipper (cultural thing I guess), and slapped several times but it put me in my place for having such a bad attitude and talking back all the time... I honestly feel like I've genetically acquired my mom's temperament - very short tempered, frustrated easily, tendency of being irrational when angry, etc. I tend to huff and puff and throw tantrums if I don't get what I want, or something doesn't turn out my way. Sounds very childish and immature, but it's nowhere as bad as it was when I was a kid. Nowadays I try to pause for a second to figure out what's pissing me off and how to react in a positive way so that I don't end up doing something out of anger that I would later regret.

 

I share such a strong bond with both my parents (especially my dad), and we communicate well and always try to talk things out if we're angry or something's bothering us.

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It's definitely the nature of the child. I've been brought up by my mom, but I'm nothing like her. my brother takes after me a lot and we've only lived with each other for few month! his mom wouldn't let me see him before. he'd hear about me from my dad once in awhile, so he knew i existed, but didn't meet me until he was 10. however, he's sooooooooooo much like me, it's freaky. our thought process and everything is so similar.

 

and if we were to go out, just the two of us, most people would think he's my son. he's my carbon copy.

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Still an extremely childish way to handle things. Be the bigger person for once if you want respect.

 

Easy say than done but yes maybe it's time I work on that. You're right a future assault charge witll ruined my perfect record esp. if I come back to my college. They for sure would not want me.

 

LOL the irony is me having 2 years of psychology major, top 10% high school graduate plus when talking to some people they get impressed with my way of speaking. Time to use my brain then. LOL

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I know a couple who have two sons. Naturally both boys were raised the same, by the same parents. They come from an extremely good and loving home, yet the older son somehow went off the rails at about age 14 and to this day he's into drugs, steals from his parents and others, rarely has a job etc etc. The younger son is completely opposite, kind, loving, reliable, honest, works hard etc etc.

I actually know several couples where this kind of thing happened.

 

So yes, I would say that the child's personality has a lot to play in how they turn out.

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I know a couple who have two sons. Naturally both boys were raised the same, by the same parents. They come from an extremely good and loving home, yet the older son somehow went off the rails at about age 14 and to this day he's into drugs, steals from his parents and others, rarely has a job etc etc. The younger son is completely opposite, kind, loving, reliable, honest, works hard etc etc.

I actually know several couples where this kind of thing happened.

 

So yes, I would say that the child's personality has a lot to play in how they turn out.

That brings me to wonder how the child's personality is acquired in the first place, and from reading your post it sorta made me lean more towards genetic predisposition. I'm a little scared that no matter how loving, caring, and communicative I am with my future child[ren], they may end up problematic.

 

I know that in my own experience, I recognized the sacrifices my parents have made so that I'd NEVER have to go through what they did during their own childhood living in poverty. I greatly respect them for providing me with everything I needed and then some, and I try to reciprocate in every possible way that I can, even through small acts of kindness. I am also obedient, I'm not sure if that's a result of my upbringing or through inheriting certain behavioral traits from my parents.

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I think there's definitely a balance of nurture and nature at play, that is underestimated by most of us. I say this because my child hasn't had his father in his life and it amazes me the similarities in mannerisms and behaviour that are often displayed by him, presumably genetic.

 

I really think a parent has to work with children as individuals, each child will come with a certain genetic predisposition but may respond to each parent, possibly to each situation in a different way. It frustrates me when I hear parents say 'I don't know what's wrong with Jonny, Paul isn't like this, we've treated them the same'. That's because Jonny is not Paul.

 

My family has the mentality of 'can't give one without the other' well, that would be okay if it was tailored to individual needs, but it never was. I look back and see how differently each of my siblings and I responded to the same treatment. Things that deeply affected one of us, rolled off the others' back and vice versa. Understanding how the effects linger on can be difficult to deal with. Compassion and respect all round is needed. Not always easy to achieve though.

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It is the interaction of the two. There is no one right way to parent because you need to be flexible and adjust to your child's unique needs and personality.

 

Unfortunately, many parents react opposite to the way they should. For instance, a child who is anti social and withdrawn needs even more attention than others. Parents may figure the child is content playing on his own or doesn't want to converse and not give the extra needed attention.

 

Other children may be clingy, needy and insecure. The parents may react by pushing them away, when they needed the opposite. Then the child misbehaves for attention, the parents reject him even further, etc.

 

This is also one of the risks of using physical punishment. The most troubled and sensitive children may be the most poorly behaved, so that the parents finally resort to trying to beat the child into submission - only damaging the child severely.

 

My child is very independent. I think it would heavily damage her if I did not support that. It takes a lot of patience to let her do EVERYTHING herself but that is what I think she needs. She would be extemely hurt and frustrated if I didn't let her struggle to do things herself.

 

Basically, perfect parenting for one child could completely mess up another child. No one size fits all.

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I think it's good for parents to be a little strict.

Most people say the more rules you're given, the harder you'll try to break them, and the more you're stopped from doing something, the harder you'll try to do it anyway.

 

But I was never like that.

 

My mother said "Smoking makes you smell disgusting, gives you cancer and makes you cough constantly. Smoking is a revolting habit and I hope you never do it"

So, I never smoked.

 

My father said "Drinking turns you into a person nobody likes seeing. It can control your life and make you a horrible person to be around"

So, I never drank.

 

My grandparents would tell me "Respect other people, even if you don't respect yourself"

"Treat everyone the way you would like to be treated"

"A lady never loses her temper or her control"

"Never give yourself an opportunity to regret"

and

"There was never a bad situation made worse by the use of manners"

So, I respected others, I treated everyone with kindness, I never lose my temper or swear, I think things through before I do them, and I always, always use my manners.

 

My guardian at equestrian camp taught me:

"Animals depend upon us for their lives. Be kind and they will repay you a thousand times over. Always care for your pets before yourself, because they can't do it by themselves"

So, I treat animals as living beings worthy of love.

 

My parents never let me out past 9:00pm, I had to clean my room every night before I went to bed, I wasn't allowed to buy skimpy clothing, I had to do my homework, and if they wanted me to do anything at any time, I had to do it. No questions asked.

 

Funny thing is, I never rebelled against it because I respected what they said, and I never questioned their authority.

The one time I stayed out until 11 without calling ahead, I came home to my father on the phone to the police and my mother in tears wailing that her daughter was dead or raped.

They didn't smack me, or yell at me. My dad just quietly said "Look what you've done to your mother", they fed me my dinner, and I went to bed.

 

I never stayed out past 9:00 again.

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People need to realize that consistency is the key. Kids thrive if they are aware of the boundaries. Parents are afraid that their kids won't like them if they enforce the rules, when in fact it makes for a happier child. My daughter started to throw tantrums in the store when she was about 5. Its a common problem, the parent gets embarrassed and gives in. I don't get embarrassed easily so I yelled just louder than her "who wants to see this little girl get a spanking?" Her eyes got big and we haven't had that problem again.

 

It wasn't the fear of a spanking, it was the fear of embarrassment that got her attention.

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  • 4 months later...

The way I did it was.....where ever the tantrum,whatever happened, we just left. Dead stop whether you are in the middle of eating, in the check out....does not matter and you go home. No threats just walk out, they have to follow you cause they have no choice. No threats, no yelling, no embarassement. They do not do it too many times. Done consistantly it works also.

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The way I did it was.....where ever the tantrum,whatever happened, we just left. Dead stop whether you are in the middle of eating, in the check out....does not matter and you go home. No threats just walk out, they have to follow you cause they have no choice. No threats, no yelling, no embarassement. They do not do it too many times. Done consistantly it works also. to hear that. Yea some people can handle it in a mature and civil way while others will resert to childdish behaviors. Come to think of it, what do you gain by yelling and acting out in anger??Know if I yell to the point I got no voice, my throat would be aching the next day plus I realize I will gain nothing positive.
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My husband was yelled at a lot by his father. He got fanny wacks. He even got tied to a chair at 2 because he would not sit in his chair.(my inlaws were uh stupid enough to tell me this with pride) I was thinking WTH! He is 40 years old now and you know he is still looking for his father's love and respect still feeling like a child and being treated like one. Do I want that for MY son? Heck NO! I would never treat my son with that disrespect. He knows he is a valuable person child or not.

 

I also forgot to add my husband is a very anxious person easily aggrivated and stressed and can not make a decision without second guessing himself. That is what happens when you take someone's value away.

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I get that. Yea.. what parent would want their kids begging for love or fearing them.. While my case wasn't abuse but just ''not knowing how to handle tantrums and a bit of inconsistency'', it can still have an impact on you.

Sometimes all it takes is only one whack or yell, and bang, even if you didn't intended to do it, while it's not abuse, you are unaware that you permanently altered the kid... since you don't know exactly with who you're dealing with.. It's silly to predict that it's not gonna effect him/her. Maybe to some, they don't have any impact at all but why risk it???

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I know a lot of people do not agree with me, but I believe very intensely people should not be hit and I classify kids as people. If we can not hit other adults and we can not hit puppies, heck I have seen people get more of a fine for hitting an animal than hitting a child!!! People may say.....yeah but the animal is defenseless, so is a small child. Just remember most adults are 100-200 pounds........little children.......0-50 pounds or so. So if swatting your dog is a crime it should be to swat your kids.

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