In deep shock

[anders055]

Hi,

 

The shock of my girlfriend betraying and leaving me is killing me. I've lost all sense of reality. She was my life and i wasn't prepared for a life without her. After 4 years, she changed into a person who hates me. She said the worst things to me and i cant prove her wrong. I'm in deep trouble as i can't even think normally. I wake up in the middle of the night everyday, i cant stop thinking of her and my life doesn't seem real any more. Everything feels so unreal, i am not able to heal and things look really bad. I think i've lost it mentally. I had decided to start college again after she left but now i don't feel like I'm in the right senses. I don't feel normal. I guess my brain must have gone through some kind of mental breakdown. All the thoughts that i think-they are just not normal. Am i descending into madness? It won't be full blown madness, but enough to ruin my life.

[savignon]

You are passing through the stages of grief. When did she leave you? You say you "can't prove her wrong" ...did she accuse you of something you didn't do? Read about the stages of loss/grief and maybe it will help you understand a bit. That'll only help your head, though. Your heart will suffer for awhile. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Lee 182]

wow 4 years. Why did she leave you?

[anders055]

She left me because I wasn't into the party thing. I regret that now. She said she wanted to enjoy life and that i am ruining her life. I never cheated on her. I loved her and for a while i think she loved me. But once she got this new job, working with celebrities and all, she said that other guys are better than me and that i am a loser. That is tough to take especially from someone who i thought loved me. She was flirting with others but i never doubted her loyalty for one second because we had been together for such long time and i had met her parents and everything. On our last date she made me buy her something really expensive (i emptied my bank account for that buy) and she fought over something and walked out. I didn't speak to her for a week and next thing i know she's with somebody else. That broke me totally. This is not about egos or anything. We both had come together after suffering in life and we were each others support when we had started out. There was no way i would have thought that she would leave me. She was my first love. It was not about going to parties when we met. We were happy just to be with each other. But she changed, and left me saying the worst things ever.

[savignon]

This is my female, outsider perspective on it. You said you both suffered earlier in life. I'm guessing she wants to reject that part of herself, has reinvented her image to help her believe she will no longer have to suffer and had to reject you as part of that 'cleansing' of her past. All young people, but especially those who suffer, watch celebrities on TV and think that kind of life will make it all better...and now she's living something close to that and any reminder of her past is too painful to take so she's hurt you so that she doesn't have to feel the hurt herself.

Without knowing her or her pains, that's my take on it. Of course that's not going to make you feel any better. It's a shame that she's changed like that, but be glad that you haven't and that you know that life is good without all the glam and even though you don't have to suffer through life, you don't have to make others suffer to feel better about yourself. I know it probably feels like you got the crap end of the stick, but you're way ahead in this game of life as I see it.

[astrobaby]

Damn. Hard to know what to say, but that's gotta sting like hell.

 

It's quite normal to feel like you are losing your mind, falling apart and coming unravelled. You wont be yourself for quite a while. But you will come back. At some point, you will feel normal again. This is just a respone to the chaos and turmoil your life has been thrown into, the shock, the trauma and the grief.

 

This may be hard to swallow right now as you love her so much, but she doesn't sound like a very nice person. She sounds mean, nasty and vindictive. Sometimes, people you think you know intimately turn out to be not who you thought they were, as shocking as it can be. In time you'll realise this, and you will be glad she isn't in your life anymore.

 

You've got some really rough times ahead of you for sure, and you're gonna feel real crappy. But in time that will fade, and you'll simply know it wasn't meant to be, and that it was for the best. And at some point you will meet someone else who you'll love, and you'll realise this was just a small blip on the landscape of your life.

 

 

I know because i've been there. It just comes down to time, and riding out the storm. It'll get better eventually.

[WomanWriter]

I feel your sadness. I sense it's definitely not about ego for you at all, like you say.

 

She honestly sounds pretty shallow and I agree with savignon's assessment that she is rejecting you as her "old life" and wanting to move on to her new life without you as an association.

 

Please don't think it's you...it most likely is not you personallly. She has it in her head to be "better than" but she will be knocked down off her pedastal when she has no one deep in her life to keep her grounded.

 

Keep being who you are but heal yourself. You don't have to change into a celeb-adoring party animal if that is not who you are. There are plenty of women who like steady, deep guys. I wish there were more!

 

So just know that even though she turned out to be shallow, you don't have to be.

 

I know it hurts really bad right now but it will get easier. Hang in there!

[ellandroader]

Hey there,

 

I have little to add because these previous posters have done a great job already but just know I have been in your boat and am in your corner also. It will be tough and it does hurt when your love of your life thinks the grass is greener elsewhere and writes you off either directly or not.

 

This is a crossroads in life....you can either change or you can stand proud of who you are and what makes you different to a lot of guys. You will be okay, take it easy.

[baffled]

Just curious -- has she ever exhibited any (other) signs of psychological problems? I had a 4+ year relationship end out of the blue a few months ago and had no idea what happened. Mine actually had a mental illness (diagnosed) and I'm pretty sure she has one or more personality disorders that came out when she was stressed and off of therapy. I didn't really feel better about how things ended until I learned about this stuff and it started to make sense. I guess a LOT of the population has a diagnosable personality disorder of some type. It might be something you want to look into to make sense of things.

[anders055]

Hi,

i dont think she has a personality disorder.

 

We had both had emotionally painful teens so when we met it was really wonderful to love each other. I ignored all my existing friends and didn't make new ones. She was the only person i wanted to be with. I changed my phone number to be similar to hers, just a 1 digit difference, got her admitted into college hoping she will have better career in the future, spent whatever money i had on her........but she didn't appreciate anything. By the last year she had a very short temper around me and i was trying so hard to make her happy but then she would find something else to be unhappy about and in the end she left saying I'm not happy with you. And to make things worse i couldn't control my emotions after the break up and had break downs at home and at office.

 

As i said before, i've dug myself into a real bad hole.

[anders055]

Sorry for going on about this but i've exhausted all my options and this is the only place left now.

 

Its been 6 months now and i still feel like it just happened...so i'm not sure if time will heal anything for me. I had called her about a month earlier ( someone close to me had died and i had to stay at home for a week or so) I was real down so i called her and just spoke with her for hours talking about all the good things we had ...trying to make her understand that i loved her and that our relationship was a good one. The first day she spoke a lot..but the next day she was like 'i want to end this call'. It is really shocking that she could be so heartless.....I haven't called her since. I've changed my number and deleted my social networking profile. I can understand rejection from someone i know for a month or so.....but i cant understand this. Someone i spent 4 years with...she seemed so happy...why did i lose my best friend in such a gruesome manner.... I dont think i'm going to get over this for years. I am depressed the whole day even when I'm working. I wish this hadn't happened. i dont know if i'll ever be happy again. I thougt of emailing her but i dont know how it'll help...if she replies with hate then it's going to hurt me more...I regret putting so much into this relationship that i cant live without her. I think she last said that she doesn't care if i die, she doesn't want me to forgive her and wants me to Get Lost. :sad:

 

Thanks for reading this....sorry for being so depressed.

[Pixiedoc]

It seems you invested a lot of yourself in this girl. Nothing wrong or unusual about that except she has been pulling away from you for a while as well and the job hasn't helped.

 

I agree with other posters that there could be some deeper reasons for believing she is 'moving on' from you and everything that you are, but from shallowness of her actions, I bet the larger weight is wanting to belong the more fickle world that she thinks you can buy into. She said some pretty hurtful things that are just plain rude.

 

If you can, try to think about an alternative future which is not dependent on having her in it. I know it's difficult but you must have wanted to achieve something for YOURSELF at college, now you have some freedom, where would you like to take it in an ideal world. Try not to envisage her in it at all but think about YOU and maybe eventually having someone healthy and supportive by your side as well.

 

One day at a time and try to get friends and family around you and keep busy so that your sleep is less interrupted. It WILL get better, and the sooner you work really hard on having a more positive mind set you will see some improvements. *hug*

[astrobaby]

Go on about it as much as you feel you need to.

 

Just because it's been 6 months already doesn't mean you''ll never get over it. I remember it took me about 15 months or so before i realised i felt entirely like 'me' again. I think after 6 months i was still pretty depressed and confused and just unhappy in almost every respect. But for everyone it's different. It takes as long as it will take.

 

As for her being cold after you lost someone close to you, i'll share a little story. I spent 2 years looking after my dieing mother, alone. In that time i met my ex, and eventually she moved in under the same roof as us as she had nowhere else to go at the time. Stayed there for about 5-6 months, rent free, no bills etc. My moher loved her like she was her own daughter.

 

She died a few months after me and my ex split up. I informed my ex as i just thought she should know. Would want to know. And all i recieved from her was a 3 line email. Three lines when i was at my lowest ebb, in my time of need. That was it. Never heard from her again. She just didn't care. After that she left the country owing me a lot of money.

 

I was shocked, after all how could my wonderful ex who i loved and adored and was so kind and beautiful etc etc be so cold? But as i said in my last post, people are sometimes just not what you thought they were.

 

I know it hurts like hell, and for her to cast you off and say you're not as good as other guys, that's just spiteful. Well, good riddance. She's shallow and conceited. Let her go and be a celeb adoring sicophant. There is clearly no depth to this girl, where as there clearly is depth to you. Trust me, for every girl like her, there's another who would much prefer a guy like yourself. Whatever she may have told herself, however delusional she is, you deserve better than this vacuous attention vampire.

 

Plod on my friend. It'll be a long uphill struggle, but keep going, and eventually you'll come through this.

[lavenderdove]

Anders, if it has been 6 months since the breakup and you feel like you are mentally losing control, please call a counselor to talk to them. There's a good chance that the stress from the breakup has pitched you into a clinical depression, and you are feeling black and hopeless because of that change in brain chemistry. When depressed, everything seems impossible and insurmountable, and if the depression lifts, the world will seem a much better place and you'll be able to deal with this.

 

So call a counselor to talk to them to get help getting over this grief.

 

Also, she sounds exceedingly shallow and like a user, and has been all along if she has taken everything from you and is willing to take large gifts and just dump you. You need to take your love and give it to someone who is worthy of it, not a shallow user who wants to chase after some celebrity culture. She will discover in time how shallow and uncaring that party world really is, but right now she is infatuated with the lifestyle and nothing will change that.

 

You need to find a loving, genuine person who cares about the love you put into the relationship, rather than parties and materials things.

[anders055]

You guys have been so nice replying to my posts. Thank you.

 

I wasn't the perfect guy but i loved her. I had made a website dedicated to her with her photos and all but she once said that you had made that a million years ago (it was only a year and a half ago) and that doesn't mean you love me I mean i couldn't keep her happy.

 

The day i realized she was with someone else was when i saw her photos with this other guy on her social networking site. I wasn't expecting that and it hit like a million punches to my face. It was midnight and i didn't stop crying for 3 days including one day at office. I took a day off thinking i'd cope but i didn't. Seeing those photos was like the worst nightmare i ever had. I fell down and i don't think i ever cried that much in my life. That was the worst thing she could do to me. I just thought of it and it still gets me down, it sends shivers through me. I may not be perfect but i loved her and she didn't even respect my feelings. And for all i know, those photos might have been taken from the expensive phone i had bought her on our last date

 

I cant believe that i spoke to her later that month. She behaved as if it was just normal. She made it sound as if i'm wrong to be shocked. She didn't feel she had done anything wrong.

 

No wonder i am so depressed....i guess its bad enough to lose someone you love but to lose them in such a heartless and shocking way...its simply devastating and i've lost all sense of reality now...i guess another relationship would be madness for me...i hope i get into college..studies is the best meditation i can have right now.....But i'm not sure i'll get in so i need to face the rest of my life somehow.

 

Lost my dad a month ago and i'm all mom has so have to be there for her. I try not to show my depression to mum...but its tough, Just need to keep her happy somehow.

 

Whew! thats my life out in the open! Is there a sense to all this madness in life???

[savignon]

The sense is that you're going to learn something very valuable here. Big deal, right? I'm sure that doesn't sound like the silver lining you're looking for. In a healthy relationship, *both* parties give to the other, both admire, both respect. It appears that your relationship became very one-sided with you adoring her, spending money you couldn't quite afford to spend, making tributes to her, dotting on her.....most women can only take that for a short while before losing some respect for the guy. It's just not equal. It's not even...it's not "mutual". Because of the shift in balance, you may have empowered her to feel entitled to walking all over you. I'm not justifying anything she's done or said...it sounds like she's changed a lot (for the worse) and has been cruel to a very unnecessary degree. That said, you're going to learn something about yourself, what you are willing and not willing to give in a relationship and you will come out of this with a little more self-respect. Start by not contacting her anymore. What purpose would it serve to email her or text her or get in touch with her again? She's made it clear how she feels and what lenghts she's willing to go to to make sure you understand that she's not interested. The best thing you can do is leave her alone and work through your grief. It's devastating to suffer the loss of a parent and now a month later you are losing someone else. Please consider talking to a professional to help you come to terms with all this.

[anders055]

She's made it clear how she feels and what lengths she's willing to go to make sure you understand that she's not interested.

 

Wow...that sentence really hit me...can you believe this was the same person who used to spend nights talking to me. The same person must have professed her love for me a million times and now she only hates what i am.

 

IRONY

When we were together (& happy) and i would say 'I can't live without you' she would say the same and tell me that she loves me.

During the last months of our relationship when i said 'I can't live without you' she said 'I don't care if you die' or 'You're only with me because you don't have any other appealing options'

[Mr_BabyBlade]

I was shocked, after all how could my wonderful ex who i loved and adored and was so kind and beautiful etc etc be so cold? But as i said in my last post, people are sometimes just not what you thought they were.

It's sad but often true.

 

It is probably better you find out earlier rather than later but 4 years is a long time. I was with my ex for 3 and a half years, now shes drinking up all the time and shes with a new guy who is younger than her. This all started pretty much immediately after we broke up.

 

But remember NO ONE has the right to make you feel inferior to anyone else or make you feel that your worthless.

 

Go do what makes you happy! Live your life the way you want without them. I just bought a motorbike and I love it!

[Coyote9]

Anders, I'm sorry you're feeling all of the volatile feels that are the signposts of relationship withdrawl. I've been in you exact place in the past after various breakups, and it's truly horrible. But as many others have said here, you will get through it.

 

I also wanted to reinforce what astrobaby has said here, and that is simply that this woman sounds truly immature and completely self centered. In the midst of our relationships, I think it's fair to say we completely lose our objectivity as to who our partners are. We may know very specific things, for example, about how they have handled (poorly) past relationships or breakups, but we believe, given the way we feel about them, that that stuff could never happen to us!

 

People who are not self aware tend to follow the same patterns, they will untimately do to us what they have done previously in exiting relationships. It sounds like this woman has some serious issues she's been avoiding for much of her life. She was never who you thought (or hoped) she would be. At some level she knows this, and it likely makes her feel very uncomfotable. Hence the mean-spirited breakup.

 

I've had ex's do the same to me. Ending years long relationships by e-mail for example, because they just couldn't tell me to my face why they were unhappy with me or the relationship and couldn't deal directly with the discomfort of a difficult situation. They run away without much warning. Why would we ever want to be with someone who not only hurts us, but who doesn't even respect us or themselves? Keep going through this stuff, hard as it is to slog along some days...you'll be out of this fog before you know it..

Coyote

[gbr2bagain]

My ex blamed me for the breakup. I was the secure one - believed he loved me and I was happy. Then he walked out the door and I'm the one to blame. Accused me of all kinds of false things until I found out there was another woman involved. He filed for divorce one week after going out for a drive and never coming home. As time went on and the battle over the divorce ensued, there were more issues than a person could shake a stick at. Nothing had made him happy. Not Love. Not affection. Not support. Not tenderness. Not the money I earned. Not the presents I bought him. Nothing. One of these posts has a very good article about emotionally unavailable people. How some people hate themselves and go looking for greener pasture thinking it will make them feel better about themselves. It might help you too.

 

In the meantime, realize that she's the one with the problem/issues. And although it is hard to see it in this emotional time - she's not really worth losing your mind over. TRUST ME ON THAT ONE - mine nearly drove me insane with grief.

 

And grieving takes time. It comes and goes like the ocean tide. Sometimes the tides come in and sometimes the tides are out. Let yourself "float". Teach yourself to swim in your sea of tears and not drown. One of these days you'll find yourself wading onto a foreign shore called Healed.

[anders055]

I just can't get over her betrayal. I feel like an absolute failure. I can't face life anymore

[anders055]

On our last date she was telling me that she loved me and then less than a month later i read her messages to this other guy that she loves him. I mean...what kind of love is this which can change so fast??? What is her love all about?? It makes everything so unreal, i don't know whether she ever loved me for those 4 years....thinking about her changing so drastically freaks me out....why did she have to play around with my feelings like this??

 

Not getting any closure is bad enough...dealing with her loss is tough enough...but she going straight to someone else and telling him that she loves her when we had nourished our relationship and our love for 4 years is maddening!!! It's like our love was worth nothing.... It's driving me crazy......alcohol is the only thing which relaxes me and helps me sleep. I don't know how to maintain my sanity anymore...