xen925 Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 I am in a new relationship. Me and my girlfriend met through our moms of all people last year. I was living in a different city at the time but we talked for hours on end every single day. Now I'm back for the summer and we have made it official. Everything is going great except for this one guy she hangs out. She is a first year studying plants in university and he is going for his masters in plant biology. She got a job at the university where the other guy also works but they don't work in the same building. But every single day they hangout for like 4 hours, in which she says they are just studying about plants. They have even gone into the field before collecting plant speicmens. This week we were fighting about how much time she spends with him and how little she spends with me. We barely see each other 1 or 2 a week. While she hangs out with him everyday during the week and sometimes on weekends. How can you be in a relationship with someone but spend all your time with someone else? In a couple weeks her and the other guy are going camping for the weekend to collect plant specimens. This makes me really nervous since there is a really good chance something will happen. To make matter worst she talks about him all the time and they always makes plans together while it seems like I'm the only one trying to make plans for us. I don't know what to do. I've asked her to make more of an effort for us but still she hangs out with him all the time and seems like I'm second best to her. I can never makes plans to do anything on the weekend since her and him always are doing something. This is a huge conflict in the relationship and we constantly fight about it. Please any suggestions for me, or have you been in a situation like this before I would like to hear your stories and what happened. Thanks. Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 i dunno. everything you said would really bother me. why does she spend more time with him than you? sounds like he is more of her boyfriend. i dunno - i would consider walking away. i just don't get good vibes. Link to comment
xen925 Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 I haven't met the other guy. All i know about him is that he is 6 years older than my GF and he is going for his masters in plants. He doesn't have a GF himself. Im not sure what he looks like. And since he spends his spare time with her I assume he likes her. I would have the time to go on the camping trip with them. I have no other reason to believe she is or could be the 'jump ship' type. And we are both in our early 20's. We have just started sleeping together. Honestly this is driving me insane. I'm thinking about giving her an ultimatum. Something along the lines of either you don't go camping with him or I come with you camping and if not that we are done. What do you think? Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 why don't you just casually ask to be invited along to the camping trip, and maybe along to some of these 'study sessions.' it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me that a grad student would be studying together with a 1st year. afterall, they should not have any classes in common! i find it all shady.... Link to comment
ponyboy Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Is it just the two of them goin on this camping trip? Or is a whole class going? Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 yeah, that sounds shady to me...... Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 do they work together in the same laboratory or something? Link to comment
xen925 Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 No. He was her Bio TA, and now he teaches her about plants in his free time. Should I give her the ultimatum? Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 No. He was her Bio TA, and now he teaches her about plants in his free time. Should I give her the ultimatum? yeah, that's sketchy to me. i'm a grad student myself, and can't see myself spending my spare time teaching an undergrad biology. well, actually i do, but it's as part of an official mentorship program. it's not a casual 'spare time' thing. i can't think of any other grad students who 'mentor' undergrads in this way, unless it is as part of an official course or mentorship program. or they are dating! ultimatum? i dunno..... i might just even walk away. i just find it all sketchy. do you think she would choose you? Link to comment
xen925 Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 Whenever I bring this up she says how much she likes me and how they are just friends and all that. I told her how I feel about everything, and she said how she would never do that to me. She told me how I come first but it doesn't feel like that, to me anyway. So if she truly likes me she will choose me but if not at least I will know for sure right. This is the only thing we fight about and if we can resolve this it could be a long term relationship. Next time I see her in person I think I should ask her, but if I do will it seem like I'm being controlling? Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 i just can't see this guy spending all this time 'tutoring' and talking plants with some nerdy 19 year old man. Link to comment
diabolik Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 My take: She likes this guy more than you. She's not sure he's going to make a move, so she doesn't want to break up with you - i.e., you are her backup - she prefers you over being single. But she's hoping he makes a move. Perhaps the only reason he hasn't yet is b/c he knows she has a bf. But I'd bet that on this camping trip, she sends him all the signals necessary for him to make a move. You can ask about joining this camping trip, but I'm sure she will find some excuse why you can't be there. Assuming she is more interested in him, you don't have a lot of good options. You dump her, she runs to him. You stay with her, she eventually cheats with this guy. Your only hope is that this guy waits so long to move in on her that she gets bored and loses interest. Link to comment
xen925 Posted May 18, 2009 Author Share Posted May 18, 2009 Okay I asked about going on the camping trip with them and she said she will ask. I did tell her how I felt about things. And she said "I could go not see him anymore if that makes you feel better." So I think she still likes me but if things don't change (ie she stops seeing him) then I'm walking away. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 Okay I asked about going on the camping trip with them and she said she will ask. I did tell her how I felt about things. And she said "I could go not see him anymore if that makes you feel better." So I think she still likes me but if things don't change (ie she stops seeing him) then I'm walking away. Yes, I think this is the best move. I know you say that this is the only thing that you fight about, but this is a BIG thing. If she doesn't show that she has good boundaries in the beginning of the relationship, who is to say that she is going to have them later on down the road. Good luck! Link to comment
xen925 Posted May 18, 2009 Author Share Posted May 18, 2009 Thanks everyone I appreciate it and will let you know how it goes. Link to comment
Rabican Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 If I were you I would simply tell her that she is putting all of her effort into him, and therefore if that continues then you are not going to sit around waiting for her you will find someone who values you. You deserve better than what she is giving you at the moment, and thats that!! And mean it bro, if she still wants to hang with this dude all the time, then guess what hes her boyfriend, not you. Move on. Link to comment
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