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How significant is your own past?

amandathepanda

By amandathepanda
in Breaking Up Advice

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amandathepanda Contributor

amandathepanda

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I am wondering what others think about the role their own past/upbringing has in their relationship - choice of partners/attitudes when in a relationship/how much you are prepared to tolerate in terms of bad behaviour etc and also, how well you recover if the relationship falls apart...

 

For me, I believe my past does have a part to play. I am nearly 40 (only 3 days to go - eek!) and I have just had a 9 month relationship with a guy I work with. He proved himself to be nothing but a liar, a cheat and a manipulator and is also ( and I knew this when I got involved) a former heroin addict with severe problems in his own past. He has yo-yo'd backwards and forwards between my self and his ex for the entire 9 months, lying to us both and generally causing heartache and pain for all concerned. To a large extent I allowed this to happen, breaking away once only to allow him back in again with his lies and smooth talk..friends have been supportive but despaired of me at times, able to see through his behaviour where I couldnt...

 

So, back to me. My own past was VERY difficult. I grew up with lies, only discovering that my Dad wasnt my Dad when I was 15. My parents (not real Dad and Mum) split just before this discovery, after years of violence and unhappiness - often directed at me and my younger half-brother. My Mum went onto to a new man very quickly, moved him in within 6 weeks, and he immediately started trying to have sex with me. When I told my Mum what was happening, she thew ME out, aged 16...I was on my own. I had to live with a boyfriend as I had no job or money and my life was really very difficult, I was seriously depressed. My Mum went on to have two more kids by this man, left him and them after 5 years only for them to be taken into care a few months later....he was found to be abusing children locally. Many years later the police managed to prosecute him and he spent some time in prison.

 

Meanwhile, I was married at 23 to man I went to school with and got together with at 18. I still struggled with fall out from the abuse and things that had happened, and went through periods of depression and anxiety. Our relationship was good for a long time, but I knew deep down that he represented security, and wasnt really what I wanted from a partner. But I was very scared to let go...he also had his problems and was a deeply insecure person so I guess we held each other together. We had two children and they are now 12 and 9. Our relationship started to go seriously wrong around 5 years ago - he repeatedly lied to me about money, and got us continually into severe financial problems, problems that we are still paying for now. Despite counselling and trying really hard, we made a decision to end the marriage 3 years ago. After a year, I lost my job and with debts and no income, our daughters went to live with him whilst I sorted myself out. That was the hardest decision I have ever had to make.

 

I am now rebuilding - got myself a good full time job, and see my daughters, rwho are well and happy, really regularly. Things could be worse.

 

This current relationship and breakup has hit me very hard and has made me question my relationships with men :

 

My real Dad - wasnt known about until I was 15.. I traced him 7 years ago on the internet but after coming to see me once he told me he couldnt see me again as his wife and daugher were jealous.

 

The man I grew up with and called Dad - cold, often angry, selfish and since he left when I was 14 not at all supportive.

 

My husband, a lovely man...but insecure and needy and hid things from me...I never really trusted him.

 

I have no relationship with my mother either - she could never take responsibility for her part in the abuse we all suffered and not one of her 4 children talk to her.

 

All of this must have a significant part to play, I have had loads of counselling...but am wondering whether I should have some more now its been a while. I want to have a relationship with a loving, committed person but as this is the second one since my marriage with a man that I know is far from right for me, I am beginning to wonder if I need to seriously look at myself again..

 

What do others think?

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Timebandit Contributor

Timebandit

Posted
Posted

All of this must have a significant part to play

 

I absolutely agree. Everyone growing up in such circumstances would be heavily affected. Most of all, this must have taught you some very counterproductive things about yourself and about close relationships with other people.

 

I have had loads of counselling...but am wondering whether I should have some more now its been a while. I want to have a relationship with a loving, committed person but as this is the second one since my marriage with a man that I know is far from right for me, I am beginning to wonder if I need to seriously look at myself again..

 

You dont NEED to look at yourself. You are not a defect human being needing repair. But instead you should consider, whether counselling could help you move towards the life that you want to and that you deserve. I am absolutely certain that counselling would help you. You sound ready for examining your beliefs about yourself and intimate relations.

 

I hope you will find, that you deserve better and that you can do better.

 

Take care

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Jetta Grand Master

Jetta

Posted
Posted

Our past does influence our decisions, at least it has for me too. And I grew up with a very loving, wonderful father. I expected my husbands to be like my dad, good provider, loving parent, and didn't get that at all so I eventually left them because I knew they weren't going to become that ideal person. My dad was really a rare gem IMO, my brother views him differently.

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