msaunders26 Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Hey I have recently split from my girlfriend of 7 years and been finding things hard lately. After being in a relationship for 7 years I have lost contact with most of my friends apart from one good friend. I am starting to go into myself and not talk to people and I always feel down. I get scared to go out at the weekend for a drink with my mate in case I meet my ex in town. When I do go up town I am finding it very hard to talk to other women. I am also anxious to meet people new friends and I have no idea why Any advice? Link to comment
Timebandit Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Hey I have recently split from my girlfriend of 7 years and been finding things hard lately. No wonder. 7 years is a long time. You are missing an important part of your life. Go easy on yourself. I am starting to go into myself and not talk to people and I always feel down. I get scared to go out at the weekend for a drink with my mate in case I meet my ex in town. It is hard to disinguish sadness from depressesion. I think you are just grieving the loss of a relationship. How long has this been going on? When did you split up? I am also anxious to meet people new friends and I have no idea why What do you think / feel when you are going to meet new people? In general, I wouldnt be too worried. You are going through a rought time following the end of a 7 year relationship. Everybody would be down if it happened to them. But if it gets worse, I would suggest you see a doctor (to check for depression / anxiety). Link to comment
msaunders26 Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 We split up about a month ago. I ahve cut all ties and im just trying to block her out. My main problem with thinking about meeting new people is what do I talk about or will I run out of things to talk about. Also will I fit in etc. Its hard to explain Link to comment
Nixee Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Time. Give yourself time. And patience. I know how much things hit you at the end of a 7 year relationship. I got out of one myself once. And much like you describe, I had to look around and realize... I wasn't as close with my old circle of friends anymore. My relationship had been my home and sanctuary for the most part. It ended, and then... I was alone. Anxiety is natural. Sadness is natural. Lots and lots of feelings are natural, probably for a long time. The main thing is - you can't force yourself to do a 180 and move on. Just go out and make new friends and 'get over it'. It is going to be a process and you are going to feel unsure of yourself. The best thing you can do is accept this and take it easy on yourself. As far as meeting new people.... one month out of a 7 year relationship... honestly, I wouldn't be worried too much about meeting new women. And if that IS your goal... be honest with yourself about it at least, as you have been with us - you aren't feeling healed yet, so you really aren't looking for a new relationship. No new woman you meet right now is going to heal you. Only you can do that, with time. I really think your anxiety about meeting new people is because you are trying to rush into it, when what you need to be doing is spending some time learning who you are as a single man, no longer half of a relationship. In time, I'm sure you will go out, and you WILL meet new friends.. AND new women. But the more healed and strong you are... the easier it gets. Link to comment
msaunders26 Posted May 16, 2009 Author Share Posted May 16, 2009 I do have more of a social life now that I am single. I think being single is freaking me out a little and like you say im trying to rush things. Link to comment
Nixee Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Having more of a social life after becoming single I think is natural... you really don't have to push it at all. What you do have to push a bit maybe is working on yourself... getting to know yourself so that you can stand alone and be strong and confident. In time that'll help you in so many ways - relationships with others being just one aspect. There is no need to rush. 7 years is a long time to be together and it is a lot to let go of. After losing that I think it can be natural to feel like you need to make new connections, maybe to regain something similar to what you lost? But instead you will have to build something different and understand what being by yourself is like. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 No, you're not a freak. It only feels that way. You're grieving. Grief causes most people to wonder off-and-on whether they've gone nuts. One day you may feel like you're making progress, the next day you might feel like you're asylum material. Good news is, anyone who's loved well understands this and will not only forgive some social retardation, but will likely seek to help you out. Whenever you're up for that, accept such generosity for all it's worth. Whenever you're not up for that, treat yourself to video games and eating ice cream in bed. Point is, just be good to yourself and be kind. Seven years is significant, and grief is a process. The only way 'around' it is through it. In your corner. Link to comment
JenniferSNJ Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Hey I have recently split from my girlfriend of 7 years and been finding things hard lately. After being in a relationship for 7 years I have lost contact with most of my friends apart from one good friend. I am starting to go into myself and not talk to people and I always feel down. I get scared to go out at the weekend for a drink with my mate in case I meet my ex in town. When I do go up town I am finding it very hard to talk to other women. I am also anxious to meet people new friends and I have no idea why Any advice? I'm going to tell you about my personal experience in hopes it will help you. I dated someone for 4 years and broke up with him last year. It took me until the past 2 months to really regain any kind of normalcy. What I learned is that you need to trust in the process. The process of healing. Of disconnecting and reconnecting and rediscovering yourself. It will have its ups and downs, but it will get better. You'll be happier. And it's worth it. Be easy on yourself. Give yourself a break. Some days you'll be doing fantastic and other times, you'll fall on your face. But it's all about trusting the process. Hang in there. Link to comment
msaunders26 Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 Having more of a social life after becoming single I think is natural... you really don't have to push it at all. What you do have to push a bit maybe is working on yourself... getting to know yourself so that you can stand alone and be strong and confident. In time that'll help you in so many ways - relationships with others being just one aspect. There is no need to rush. 7 years is a long time to be together and it is a lot to let go of. After losing that I think it can be natural to feel like you need to make new connections, maybe to regain something similar to what you lost? But instead you will have to build something different and understand what being by yourself is like. What do you mean get to no yourself? How do I do that? Link to comment
msaunders26 Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 I'm going to tell you about my personal experience in hopes it will help you. I dated someone for 4 years and broke up with him last year. It took me until the past 2 months to really regain any kind of normalcy. What I learned is that you need to trust in the process. The process of healing. Of disconnecting and reconnecting and rediscovering yourself. It will have its ups and downs, but it will get better. You'll be happier. And it's worth it. Be easy on yourself. Give yourself a break. Some days you'll be doing fantastic and other times, you'll fall on your face. But it's all about trusting the process. Hang in there. One of the main problems I have is thinking about what she is doing mainly at the weekend. Gets really annoying and I dont know how to stop myself from thinking about my ex with other men. Link to comment
Nixee Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 What do you mean get to no yourself? How do I do that? Well... for the past 7 years you have been part of a couple. You have likely become used to yourself as being half of a relationship, and as you yourself stated, during that time, you distanced yourself from other friends... meaning you probably relied a lot on your relationship to provide the companionship you needed... maybe without realizing it. But now that you are single you are faced with yourself. You don't have your partner to turn to. Therefore you need to spend time just feeling comfortable with who YOU are as a person... a single person rather than half of a couple. I thought I knew myself for a long time while I was in my relationship. But sometimes going through a major breakup can force you to realize that you have new things to learn and that you can now redefine yourself in some ways. It is scary, but it can also be a bit refreshing if you let it. It is part of the grieving process. Link to comment
Nixee Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 One of the main problems I have is thinking about what she is doing mainly at the weekend. Gets really annoying and I dont know how to stop myself from thinking about my ex with other men. I think this is very normal too. My ex actually left me for someone else, so there was no questions in my mind... I KNEW who he was with, and it was killing me. But the good news is that it passes. It takes time but it really really does pass. The more you learn to focus on YOU and not her, the better off you will be. If you find yourself thinking that way, just try to take a deep breath, remind yourself that it'll pass, and then do something to distract yourself... something you like, or something cathartic.. maybe even something she hated that you now have the freedom to do. Even if she moves on to someone else eventually, so will you too... eventually. Don't push yourself. Link to comment
msaunders26 Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 Thankyou for your words. They are really helping me. Link to comment
Nixee Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 I'm really glad. It DOES get better... I promise you that. I'm living proof You just have to let yourself hurt. Its been over 2 years for me, and I still hurt sometimes, but then I tell myself... 7 years is nothing to sneeze at. Can't dismiss that so easy. But it also doesn't mean your romantic life is over by far. Link to comment
msaunders26 Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 The hardest time for me is the weekend, during the week im fine but I get down about it all at the weekend. Little things remind me of her all the time which is hard. If I hear a song or if I watch a program on the TV that we use to watch Link to comment
JenniferSNJ Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 Msaunder- I found it easier to avoid things that reminded me of my ex in the beginning. So I would not watch usual programs, listen to regular music, etc. I'd keep myself busy doing other things- even if it was going to the grocery store for my mom, etc. Also, if you have the time, I'd recommend to do a project. Redecorate your room, clean your car, etc. do things that "CLEAR" away what you had together and get yourself into the mind frame of starting new. Check in with us! Link to comment
msaunders26 Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 Msaunder- I found it easier to avoid things that reminded me of my ex in the beginning. So I would not watch usual programs, listen to regular music, etc. I'd keep myself busy doing other things- even if it was going to the grocery store for my mom, etc. Also, if you have the time, I'd recommend to do a project. Redecorate your room, clean your car, etc. do things that "CLEAR" away what you had together and get yourself into the mind frame of starting new. Check in with us! HI JenniferSNJ Yeah I have been doing those things. I have stopped watching the programmes we use to watch and stopped listening to the songs that remind me of her. My biggest problem is im trying to make some new friends since I got out of the 7 year relationship. It is really lonely at the weekend, its not to bad during the week. Link to comment
msaunders26 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Share Posted May 29, 2009 Just wanted to update people things are still pretty hard at the minute but things are getting easier. I have recently just passed my first Microsoft exam for work which has given me big boost. Also I use to do Mixed Martial arts about a year ago and I have decided I need to start something to keep fit and feel better about myself so I have started boxing every week and kick boxing every week. By starting both boxing and kick boxing you automatically start meeting new people. It was pretty hard for me to go down the gym for the first boxing lesson as I was really out my comfort zone but it was totally worth it. I also have a school reunion next weekend which will give me an opportunity to connect with old friends at school. Link to comment
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