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Am I wrong??


JMP85

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My fiance and I have been together for a year and a half. We got engaged in December. Since then, Ive moved in with him.. and all I seem to do is wonder...

 

Since before we started dating, he was bad with his money to the point he couldn't pay his bills. As we were dating, he kept telling me his money issues and I was concerned, but didn't let it bother me because I trusted him. Since we got engaged and I moved in with him, I would find slips from the bank for money being taken out every other day. and he told me that he's always broke. So thats when the fighting would start. I accused him of cheating, drugs, giving money to friends. One day he finally tells me that he does have a problem spending money.. on food, gas and cigarettes. and he wanted me to take his debt card and checkbook. Which I did. When he wanted it I would give it to him, but after a month, I got curious because how would i know if he was lying to me when he went to the bank. (he has lied about taking money out before). I ended up checking his account (which he didnt know about) and I said why did you take out this money.. he goes, how do you know, I said i checked. He got so upset and said that its his money and I dont need to know where he spends it at. I gave him back the card and everything. Since that happened, he changed his password.. but he would still tell me how much he took out etc... even when i didnt ask....

My thing is, I trust him, but not with money.. he always talks about getting this and that.. which are high end things.. we're supposed to be getting married in 11 months and im not sure if he can get out of the whole by then.. mind you, he's in the whole every week......

Am i wrong to check that?? I think im more mature than him.,.. im 24 and hes 30...

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Are there not financial advisors, or counsellors, for this type of thing?

Can you sit down and make a budget to get the debt back on track?

 

Quite frankly, I would not be marrying this guy until he showed me and proved to me he could control his finances. Whether it be setting up a goal to work down the debt, properly manage his money, stop spending freviously, etc.

Once you get married, its not just his problem, its YOURS. And I would not be marrying into this, especially when I know its a problem now, its not going to change unless something happens, and I don't want a lifetime of worry over money to this degree. Its only been 1.5 years, yeesh.

Not sure if you've seen the show Til Debt Do Us Part, she offers many great tips on spending and saving.

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BUt truthfully, I would get into some pre-marriage counselling and figure this out.

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Its very obvious, and i hope you dont ignore it, but whatever u do, dont marry him until this is resolved.

 

my dad married a woman who is exactly like your fiance. Bottom line is, even after 12 years of marriage its a never ending issue between them, every single day. sure they get through it, but talk about anger, depression, and obviously lack of money.

 

If you make it clear that u cant and wont marry him until he can handle his money, if he loves you im sure he will change, at whatever costs.

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This is going to become a much bigger issue if you marry this guy. You need to be able to trust a partner to be financially responsible and him spending like crazy and hiding it from you is a big red flag. Do you want to support both of you when you get married? What about when and if you plan to buy a home or have children?

 

I would not marry this man until and unless he agrees to get some financial counseling, get his spending under control, and to be open and honest with you about his accounts and spending habits.

 

This isn't just his money and his future at stake if you marry him, it's yours.

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I strongly advise you to cancel all wedding plans for now. This is a huge issue and will not magically disappear when you get married - if anything, it will continue and could even get worse, resulting in divorce.

 

These days there's a thing called "pre-marital" counselling and in this case it may be a very good idea. If not, then at the very least HE needs to get some financial counselling. These issues will not go away on their own.

 

Whatever you do, don't marry this guy until he has resolved all these issues.

 

Good luck.

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I do love my fiance... however when he told me he changed his code for checking his banking over the phone, he told me that the one at the atm is the same.. thats not true, is it?? because I asked someone.. not telling them the whole story and she said no, its not possible.. so, he lied to me about that one.. and today he had 1800 numbers call him.. i asked him and he got mad and left.. I left too.. but yesterday when things went sour, i left.. he said he wanted some time apart, I said great.. I went to my mothers.. i wasnt even upset.. I didn't cry like I used too... then he kept calling and telling me he loves me.. and so on.. he wanted me to come back and that he didn't mean what he said.... he told me that he didnt lie to me..

 

he tells me that I need to quit getting into his stuff.. ive told him over and over, I refuse to say "I do" to your bad credit.. He thinks im crazy and should go get help..

 

Im always the one to bring it up, because when I ask he gets frustrated with me. I was in a relationship in the past where my ex at the time was making good money and was in control of his life.. he took me on vacations and got me flowers..basically treated me like gold.. well things went sour when out of the blue he wanted to break up and then i found out that he was cheating on me for over 6 months... I was heart broken and it was hard trying to find someone out there that I could trust...

 

when i met my fiance, everything was great. we never fought.. when we got engaged I moved in with him.. then things started to get sour.. like i said before i started to find things which I questioned him about and of course he would deny but then tell me like a week or 2 later...

 

I guess because I was so dumbfounded by my ex, i am more conscious now with my fiance... I don't want to get hurt like I did in the past..

 

my parents have told me to stop trying to look for trouble.. but with his bad history of not paying his bills, how can I not stop and wonder..

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I agree that its his money, is his business, and his responsibility, but if you were dumbfounded and did not find this issue before marriage look what mess you would be in!

 

i cant even believe your parents told you to stop looking for trouble. Shouldn't they want you to make sure your marrying the right guy?

 

if he was blowing all his extra cash on cigs food or whatever, im sure u would not have any problem with it. but he is not paying bills and things of that nature, thats where this is a full blown problem

 

dont let anyone tell you or convince you your wrong here. If he loves you, he will change, but he has to believe he cant be with you if he does not change. i know im young and inexperienced but thats my opinion

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A girl that I worked with went through something similiar. Her husband starting taking money out of the ATM every day, running up charges on the credit cards. He would take checks from the back of the check book and make them out to cash, he was just going crazy. She ended up finding out that he maxed out all the cards and she soon discovered that he had opened several cards in her name, had the bills sent to a PO box and maxed those out as well. His vice............Gambling.

 

She was close to losing her home and he put them in debt 50,000 dollars.

 

Don't be a fool and stay with someone that is so irresponisble with money. One day, it could be your baby that needs something and the money isn't there because he took it and did god only knows what.

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he tells me that I need to quit getting into his stuff.. ive told him over and over, I refuse to say "I do" to your bad credit.. He thinks im crazy and should go get help..

 

That's the thing- when you marry him this isn't his 'stuff' it's yours too, and marrying a man who is completely irresponsible about his money is a very bad idea, unless you are prepared to bail him out and pay his debts and support him.

 

If he were looking at the big picture of marriage he'd be sharing his finances with you, open about his spending habits, and you could both work towards getting his financial situation under control. The fact that he's hiding all this from you, defensive about it and won't talk about it are all signs that he could potentially be in a lot of trouble and isn't willing or interested to improve the situation, and isn't getting the big picture- that it's your problem and responsibility too when you get married.

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This past weekend I was very cold to him. He knows when im upset with him when I refuse to talk or even sleep in the same bed as him.. and I know it hurts him.. Yesterday, I texted him I love you and he wrote the same thing back but next to it, he put "you win".... I go what does that mean? He said that he doesnt want to argue with me anymore...

 

later that night we get into my car to go to my moms for dinner and he hands me his checkbook and bank card.. he said here, take it I don't want it...he told me that he wants me to trust him... I feel a little better knowing that he is willing to give it up and to work on our issue... Now, throughout this whole mess, he does tell me what bills need to be paid on certain days.. which is a good sign.. because I normally see when he writes the checks....

 

I just wish or hope he realizes that im not out there to hurt him or think I am controling him.. its just he needs a push... (ive told him that before.. and he did thank me for doing that).... I don't want to see him down that path again.. especially when we're going to get married...Ive put up with it for almost a year and a half...

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Just keep in mind that IMO, that is too big a thing to ignore when you are marrying someone. I would NEVER go through with it until they got it together. Because then their debt becomes your debt and you both get into the hole and it's UGLY. It's one thing to just be poor, but it's another to be reckless with spending.

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