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Bizarre situation - what do you guys think!


pn2008c

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So I have a friend who's involved in a situation that personally I think is pretty MESSED UP!! What are YOUR thoughts on this...

 

She's young (18) and not very experienced. Recently she broke up with someone who I felt she deeply loved, she said it was over a major disagreement they had because they're a long-distance relationship. It had to do with them meeting up or something. Well she said she didn't feel he cared about her feelings or loved her so she ditched him. But throughout most of their relationship I saw them as being truly in love. They matched up so well, they were as compatible as could be, and she siad many times she believed he was the one for her.

 

Well like two or three weeks later she started to get hooked up with this guy online. She has "talked" to him on and off since 2006, but never gotten personal with him - until now. Now she seems to think he's the love of her life... Brace yourself for these facts, and let me know if you think this sounds sustainable at all:

 

* He's at least 22-23+ years older than her.

* He is MARRIED and has TWO CHILDREN -- and of course in his words his wife is a b... from hell and is "THE PROBLEM" in his life (And of course my friend is the solution! because she's so amazing)

* He has, or so he says, separated from his wife and is living with his family. He and her do spend a lot of time on the phone. He is also long distance (Albeit not as much as her ex).

* He has openly suggested - and she seems to have agreed - to have sex the FIRST time they meet (Which will most likely be at a motel or some other "neutral" territory)

* In the past, this girl always said she wanted to wait to think about having kids and first focus on college and her own life (and her ex respected and agreed with that)...Now she is saying she is ready to have kids with this guy and they plan to have unprotected sex! (and remember, they've only dated for about a month!)

* He has told her he has disabilities - most notably a potentially life-threatening heart problem. He's whined to her about how he can't get medical care (found a way to blame the wife as I understand it).

* He has already complained to her about his supposed money problems. (again blaming the wife) He tells her his bank accounts are close to empty and that his wife takes all his money to "spite" him.

* Sounds to me like their conversations are mostly one of two things: sexual, or extreme displays of affection.

* He promised to divorce his wife ASAP and move in with her. And he constantly tells her about how "Good it will be" once that's done, so they can "Just be happy building a life together."

* He begs her not to "Give up on him." In short it sounds to me like maybe she has a sixth sense that something is up but he is REALLY working at wearing that down and invading her deep emotion.

* In contrast to her relationship with her ex, she's been much more tight-lipped about this one. WHen she was with her ex she was proud to tell the WORLD she had the most wonderful BF. Now she lets most people believe she's single or, oddly, lets a handful believe she never broke up with her ex.

 

The even freakier side to this is that I mentioned my concern to another very close trusted friend, and all I gave was his name...And she said that the name sounded VERY familiar to her...We checked some facts and it is possible (we can't really confirm it but it's possible) that one of her friends had been CONNED by this guy. As I said we can't 100% confirm it but there are a LOT of facts matching up (his location, his looks, his name, etc.)

 

And some peculiarly strange bits of info are also creeping into this... This other girl said he had met her in person and SHOWERED her with affection, she did have sex with him... a month or two down the road he persuaded her to send him a bunch of money (help with the divorce, moving, etc), then he disappeared and she got a report from someone that he had "died"... But now we're all questioning if he died. Because she said this guy had given her a similar story - he has a life-threatening medical condition, and he has money problems, and a bad wife. To me it's just too freakishly coincidental for this to be a complete fluke.

 

Of course I worry about my friend and I know I probably cannot STOP this from happening - she has to learn things for herself - but I'm just curious as to what your guys' opinions are on this. To me, even if the con-artist bit isn't true, the relationship seems really fishy - something seems extremely out of place.

 

My take on it is this and as I said let me know if you agree or not, or what your thoughts are:

 

* Sounds like a rebound to me. She truly loved her ex with all her heart. And I don't even think she truly wanted to leave him. I think just stress got the better of her and she gave up in a cowardly fashion. But obviously she missed the affection and love he gave her, so hence this sounds like a rebound, since this guy suddenly started laying it on thick. Rebounds already are known to have problems.

* The relationship sounds as if it is built on sex or the desire therefore. They talk about sex and what they want to do constantly, in fact it tends to be the majority of the conversations I've been told about. He seems AWFULLY anxious to get in her pants, and even convinced her to stop taking her birth control!...

* Ok, a MARRIED guy? Come on. Seriously. If she doesn't want her ex back can't she at least find a single guy? Again this is why I think we're talking about a rebound. He just happened to know exactly what to say to her to make her fall for him in her weak emotional state.

* Everything I've heard suggests the chances of a married guy leaving his wife/kids for another woman is slim at best - because as long as she'll give him what he wants (sex, money, etc) he can have his cake and eat it too. So I think he's just stringing her along here...

* 23 year age difference involving an 18 y/o? The two of them are at VERY different life stages. There might be sexual chemistry but IMHO there will be VERY little beyond that.

* And seriously... Falling in love THAT fast? It SCREAMS of "waiting to pounce." He started telling her he loves her LESS THAN ONE WEEK after her and her ex broke up. And at the time they had broke up, I know she still had very strong feelings for him and was even considering working it out. That is until this guy sauntered in.

 

Well that's the story... It's messed up to say the least and I have nothing but bad vibes about this. As I said I know I probably cannot STOP her from doing this but I'm mostly just looking for opinions and thoughts on this. Anyone actually BEEN in this spot maybe? lol

 

--PNC

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I think hes definitely conning her, and is probably that same guy your other friend encountered. He wants money and sex from her, definitely. I met lots of people like that online who wanted money for their or their relatives medical expenses. Unfortunately, your friend might not want to listen to your warnings. How horrible if she meets him and gets pregnant. I hate to think of her going into this. Trouble is, if shes in the state of mind to believe what this guy tells her, she's a sitting duck to believe any other con guy. I wish there was some way to set her straight. I know how convincing they can be, and I know how ready a vulnerable person is to believe their stories.

offplanet

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* Sounds like a rebound to me.

 

not to mention u said it was 2-3 WEEKS later and she already with this guy saying i love you

 

* Ok, a MARRIED guy?

 

agree, he is married, until he is not, why does she even bother

 

* 23 year age difference involving an 18 y/o? The two of them are at VERY different life stages.

 

is this that bad if it does not involve sex? im young and inexperienced but i met someone twice my age and some reason gave it a small tiny tiny thought. i only see 2 probs. when she 40 he 83 and gonna be dead, and he is prob her dads age

 

 

your right on the money, the only problem is getting her to realize it. the only thing i can say you might be wrong about is judging how in love she was with her ex. you see couples out and about looking happy and fine, but whats it like at home. also im pretty sure you cant see or feel their feelings

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Well at least I know I'm not crazy to have these assumptions

 

I heard that she actually did meet up with the guy recently - like this week. Obviously we don't know what, if anything occurred. But I agree with all of you - this whole thing reeks of scam. And I'm honestly deeply worried about her. Getting pregnant by a scammer - that's one of the worst things I can imagine happening to a girl!

 

I do believe she loved her ex at least as much as one can at that age. Her and him spent a lot of time together (they got to see each other 4 times and they spent lots of time on the phone and internet every day) and both of them were always happy. They'd known each other since she was really young, like 11, and were always best of friends. When they got together she was on top of the world. It sounds like there may have been some trust betrayal and some arguments because of some stress on his end (no cheating, just that he hurt her feelings). It is too bad because I know the other guy and trust him greatly myself, and I know he was going through some really hard times and that her leaving him was probably more impulsive due to the stress she was experiencing. I'm not trying to like direct her relationships but honestly that is one relationship I can say I saw real potential for and I had high hopes for them.

 

So anyway yeah I guess we'll just have to wait and see how it pans out. She's really withdrawn a lot from her social circles and even I don't hear too much from her anymore. She talks about how much she hates her ex now (and only a month or two ago I was hearing how deeply and completely she loved him forever) and even the rest of her family seems to hate him now because she's said things to make that thought.

 

Cruzer: He is actually one year younger than her dad LOL. The friend I talked to who might have been conned by the same guy suggested maybe she's one of those girls who's looking for a "father figure" in a relationship because the relationship betwen her and her father has been shaky at best. (her ex was only 5 yrs older than her)

 

She "bothers" I think because he took advantage of her vulnerability. her breakup really tore her apart and he swooped in for the kill so to speak! She thinks she's "Saving" him from a bad situation... When in reality she's creating one! There's children involved (that's not even fair to them!) and it's likely he's way exaggerating the talks about his wife. They might be separated right now... BUT, as I said, most of the time it seems guys go back to their wife and family after they get what they want!

 

Offplanet: I wish too there was something we could do. as I said I know that her ex and her breakup was really hard on her. She cried over it for a few days, I know that she definitely had very, very strong feelings for him. I know that he has done the No contact thing with her for about a month now but she doesnt really care because she's focused on this other guy and she is at least saying she hates him. This is why this screams "REBOUND" to me!

 

I know that her ex really does feel bad about what happened and he'd like to reconcile but obviously she is too far gone to consider that at least now. He's really torn apart about it and misses her like crazy and he's doing the NC thing to protect himself more than anything but he wants her back even given what is going on with her now. He is a very forgiving person and I know he'd forgive her. In the end I want to see her happy and I really doubt that this guy is going to make her truly happy. It hurts when a friend is screwing up and you can't help them, especially if there's a real risk of something major like this...

 

Thanks for the kind words

 

--PNC

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Theres absolutely way that she can verify there's a bad situation with his wife and kids in the first place. Even if they have met these things are easily dealt with by false photos, wedding ring blah blah.

She's putting herself at great risk here, both for the immediate and her future emotional well being - I really hope that she sees the light and gets herself out of this situation, and she'll need your support so keep on doing what you're doing - you sound like a great friend!

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Man, it really pains me to see her going through this. She won't tell most people about this "relationship" she's in, but she's definitely making it known that she's "so happy" and that "her life is amazing" right now. Even though we are friends I don't find myself in a position to tell her anything about this. She will usually just shoot back with "You don't know HIM" or "Not everyone is like that".

 

I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens. I mean, there's an off-chance that this guy is the love of her life, but odds are way against it imho. I guess if she ends up happy with him then that's what matters but I just sense danger ahead for her.

 

I know her ex too as I said and he's really torn up over the whole thing. He told me more about what went down between them. Basically he had some personal issues with his family and got really angry with his own situation and kind of took some of that out on her. He feels very guilty about what he said to her and I know if he had the chance he'd love to apologize and make up to her. I do believe that he truly loved (and probably still loves) her and only wanted to be a good BF to her. I know about his family situation and it's not pretty, so not to make excuses for him but I can kind of understand the stress he was being put under. I feel bad for both of them actually, both her and him. He's having such a hard time losing her this way, and she's dancing around like nothing is wrong and the new guy is all that... and I'm only wishing I could do something to help bOTH of them.

 

Purusha I agree that you never know what is truly going on. I did find out they met up at a hotel. It's definitely possible that he is either flat out lying or at the least exaggerating the truth on matters to gain her sympathy (and my gosh has he certainly done that!).

 

It always hurts to see someone you care about going into something you know is dangerous and not being able to help. It's painful...

 

thanks for all the kind words

 

--PNC

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  • 4 weeks later...

Just thought I'd let everyone know what the result was from this situation...

 

The married guy ran back to his wife and left her high and dry - but not before taking her virginity, and some material stuff and some money. Con artist indeed!!

 

She even got an Email from the guy's wife herself, saying "Thanks for bringing back the loving man that is my husband." Vindictive in my opinion. It's like what the ... is that? Rub salt in the wound why don't you woman? lol.

 

He had completely worked his way into her emotions. In a way, it made her ex - who i can tell loved and still loves her very much (see below) - look pretty pale. Then he took what he wanted and disappeared, and hasn't spoken a word to her in 3 weeks.

 

So now my friend is completely broken up, confused, hurt, and in general an emotional wreck. I've done my best to be supportive. It's hard to see her go through this.. but maybe it was a well-needed, harshly-learned lesson.

 

Hopefully she will never put herself in such a dangerous and hurtful situation again.

 

As for her ex who I have become closer friends with as well lately, he knows about what happened - she told him - and he feels terrible for her too. He's debating on being friends with her - he still wants her back but he knows now is not the time because she's too emotionally screwed up. I told him the best he can do is let her set the pace of things - and for now to be a good friend. Unfortunately nobody, not even her herself right now, can truly say what the future holds for the chances of a reconciliation between the two of them. I know he's hopeful and wants to try again, but I told him for now he just has to give her the emotional space she needs to heal and to be there for her as a friend, but let her make the moves.

 

As hard as it is for him he's trying to be just a friend for now. She is still deeply hurting over how "perfect" the relationship seemed - even in comparison to her ex - and how it ended up being fake. I would guess her trust in guys or relationships in general is pretty shot right now, not necessarily specific to one person.

 

Life has a weird way of throwing hurt in lots of directions at times. My friend is hurting terribly, her ex is still hurting over things, and I'm hurt myself in an emphatic way watching them all go through this.

 

Well anyway, that's the update... Thanks everyone for your kind words.

 

--PNC

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I have to say that you are wise beyond your years and I wish I had a friend like you at 18.

 

You warned her - you saw exactly what was coming. It made me angry reading this story, first because it was obvious what the guy was doing, and second because your friend was stubborn and thick-headed about what a great guy he was!

 

I think you are right when you say that maybe it was a harsh lesson for her that was necessary. It's better for her to learn these things at a young age and not start figuring things out until her 30's. My own naivete/stupidity and not seeing the darker side of human nature did me in well into my 20's when it came to men.

 

I do hope she's not pregnant. She should consider getting tested for STDs if she did have unprotected sex with this guy. Who knows what else or who else he's been into??

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