What now?

[InRecovery]

So the last 4 months have been a rollercoaster. Got dumped, went away and came back a bit early realising I was running away from a host of problems in my life, but came back more confident and prepared to do the hard work it will take to fix things with myself.

 

I still think about her a lot. Not as much as I use to, and I certainly don't break down like I was doing 2 months ago. The sadness, anger, betrayal, rejection and hurt still is a part of my life as I think about how she led me to believe we'd spend the rest of our lives together only to turn her back on me as soon as we faced our first serious problem.

 

But I've come to terms with the fact its over. Other then a couple of texts regarding money and one she sent with her new number to me (which I didn't respond to) there's been no contact for about 10 weeks. She will call me in a couple of weeks regarding money owed and then thats it, I firmly believe I'll never speak to her again. It makes me sad, but it has to be done. I want things from life and the idea of who I thought she was to me still holds me back a little bit.

 

I feel quite confused in general. I don't know what I want. I want companionship but at the same time don't want to open myself up to anyone. I don't even know what I think or feel about my ex any more. I analyse her behaviour and get so disappointed by how easy she found it to hurt me and how inconsiderate she was and wonder is this just her in a break up, or her all the time. And if so, I worry how can I trust my judgment when its let me down in such a big way.

 

In any case, like I say, I've accepted its over. I'm focusing on myself, even got rid of myself from social networking sites so theres no chance of seeing her or trying to get some validation from other people in my life. But after the impact and consequences of this failed relationship I still don't feel great about myself -in fact I don't really think I've ever been as down on myself as I am right now.

 

I guess I'm just venting a bit here. Maybe looking for people going through the same thing. Its got easier, and it does get easier, but where do I go from here? I know its rhetorical but whats next? My friends say that I'm still holding onto by my inability to be with anyone else. They're of the opinion that given the time I should go out and break any physical bond with her by sleeping with someone. I know thats not right for me, but am I still holding on to a ridiculous hope that she'll change, or that shes not this person she has been these last few months? Sometimes I think I do and I snap out of it, but ... meh ... I don't know.

 

Just needed to vent

[dhjjessel]

I dont know what to advise as i am stuck too. I tried making a list. It is worth reminding yourself of all the things you can do now that you're not with her, and all the things you didnt like about her

[cruzer]

Her dumping you, what does that mean to you? To me that means she does not want you to be a part of her life any longer. You said you have accepted its over, so now all that is left is to accept that there is no chance for you guys to get back together.

 

Stop counting the weeks you have not been in contact with her, erase her from your phone, give her the money you owe her, etc. Those are all things that remind you of her and are preventing you from moving on regardless of what you believe.

 

I went through this crap, i left her in my phone, i went no contact, heck she even contacted me again wanting to get back together. so we did, and she screwed me again. you dont have to take my word for it, just realize that you cared deeply for her, and so therefore you would have never dumped her. She does not care for you, she proved that by dumping you.

 

im sorry if that comes accross as harsh, i wish someone told me that before i made the mistake of not deleting her #, agreeing to try it again, posting threads about her on here. Once you forget about her, you recover( it will take time but first step is accepting it is over and she wont come back), you find someone else, you try again. the longer you hold yourself up on her, the less time you have with that new amazing girl, or even just being back to you old happy self.

[InRecovery]

No I get all that. Its more a case of what happen nexts.

 

She#s not in my phone. She sent me her new numebr last week and I ignored it, and its her that owes me money (a substantial amount) so I can't walk away from it, but I haven't used it as an excuse to get in touch (I don't know exactly how long its been since we spoke but i know its around 2 1/2 months).

 

I don't even really want to get back with her, because I know I couldn't trust her like I did. I don't obsess about her or us like I used, but there are moments/ bad days where the pain of it all comes back. Its hard to completely forget about that.

 

There really isn't any advice other then stuff thats been said, its just I feel like I've talked about this enough to my friends and I need to vent sometimes. I'm still hurt by everything, and I'm on a road to recovery, its just so time consuming and long at times that I get impatient or frustrated by it all.

[cruzer]

You said it all, your on top of everything. I think for me the biggest part was getting everything that involved her out of my life. i could not move on because i knew her birthday was around the corner. After it passed, that was the last thing that made me think of her and every since its been easy and almost 100% gone.

 

I think after you get your money, it will be easy and over in no time.

[jennamajig]

I feel quite confused in general. I don't know what I want. I want companionship but at the same time don't want to open myself up to anyone. I don't even know what I think or feel about my ex any more. I analyse her behaviour and get so disappointed by how easy she found it to hurt me and how inconsiderate she was and wonder is this just her in a break up, or her all the time. And if so, I worry how can I trust my judgment when its let me down in such a big way.

 

 

InRecovery, these words hit close to home because I feel the same way. It's been over 7 months, yet I've been in the very same place. I don't analyse anymore, and I want companionship, yet don't want to open myself up to anyone. I trusted my own judgment and it was wrong. I wondered how I could be so very wrong? How can I have faith in anyone then?

 

But you have to. To truly live life, you have to trust someone along the way: yourself. My judgment was clouded, but I'm trying to use this experience to help me to better take leaps of faith in the future. I'm learning that I can't be overly-cautious with my heart, but I can and should be semi-cautious. That slow is good.

 

I've had a few friends tell me a new person is want I need to get over him. But I need to be over him in order to be with a new person - anything less and I'm not being fair or allowing myself to be even partly-open with a new interest. So don't let friends tell you want you need to do in terms of dating. You'll know when it feels right to do so.

 

And lastly, reach out to get the money from your ex. It is the last thing holding you to her and you need to resolve it to make a clean break. You've done everything else (and a very good job - you are strong), but don't be afraid to be firm, especially if it is a large amount of money. Treat it as a business transaction. Sounds cold, but it will keep you calm. I had to do that in order to settle apartment issues with my ex (we lived together). I stuck to e-mail only, very short and to the point until the lease had been changed. I never once called him.

 

I'll admit, once I let go of that last tie, I was very sad. Even though I needed to do it and had deleted his number, dropped him on facebook, etc. because I still had apartment details, he was still kinda there. Just like your ex is still kinda there because of this money. Once you get it, the truth that is 100% over can hit like a tone of bricks. But it also passes and continued NC helps.

 

It is very hard, but when I looked back a couple of months later, I thought: "Wow. It was hard. I did it. I can always be proud that I got through a difficult time."

 

And vent when you need to. That is what this place is for.

[Dante09]

Same boat dude. I like the bit about having less time for the next amazing girl I pull the longer I hang onto false hope of this person changing back to what I thought she was.

 

Our g/f, that person is gone, replaced by the person they want to be now. Our ex. Nice.

 

I've found being out of work has made this tougher than it would have been, because goals are set for you in employment. Get stuck in there! I have to set other goals and these can be anything.

 

Hang in there. Got to look forward to the what the future brings us - with all the stuff you enjoyed having in a relationship with someone new and better!