Positivity is melting away

[CynicalGuitarist]

Literally... I know people are tired of hearing my stupid ass-retarded diatribes, but it's true... I feel like what little hope and positivity I have is melting out of my hands.

 

I work a job that I'm horrible at and I keep going to it because I'm a moran and too weak and broke to quit; I was stupid enough to accept it in the first place 'cause my mom is/was tired of me being on unemployment. I hate Sprawl-Fart; it proves just how cheap and plastic our society has become; especially when the return line is much longer than the checkout lines. Whenever I work, I can literally feel my self-esteem and hope and positivity chipping away like a piece of ice in the Arctic ocean. What makes it worse is I have this lady that always does her "OMG DON'T BE DEPRESSED BE HAPPY!!!" every time I see her; if she really cared she'd leave me alone and let me feel be... however, I don't want to be rude so I have no choice. But I digress.

 

I still have my dreams though, but I wish I had a better voice more than anything else. I can handle being a literal weakling, and virgin, but I HATE my speaking and singing voices. I sound literally like a when I talk. When I sing, I sound like a horrid cross between Mike Patton and an Americanized Thom Yorke and at my higher notes I sound like a four-year-old or a choir girl with a cold. I hate myself so intensely I have horrid stage fright and refuse to hear recordings of myself singing. Ironic enough, I love singing more than anything though, but I'm unlucky enough to live far away from the place I really wanna take voice lessons and the really cool DVD sets I want are freakin expensive. God, WHY ME!? Why do I have to be God's little hacky sack or RPG field monster only for it to kick around and laugh at how easy it is to beat? I know why; 'cause if everyone were happy, life would be boring. It'd be a boring heaven where nobody would have anyone/anything to compare the beauty in life to. I just don't understand why they have to torment me with beauty and moments that don't suck; why not just push me over the edge so I can go insane and rid myself of this life and teach the kiddies "don't let this happen to you!"

 

The one thing in my boring weekend that looks cool (the Anime film "The Girl Who Leapt Through Time" is playing at a nearby theater; never seen it, and it looks interesting) is gonna end up being lonely and miserable. Nobody wants to go with me, even though I keep mentioning it on both Myspace and Facebook. Probably the only one that'd want to go with me is a buddy who'd expect me to pay 'cause he wastes all his damn money on drugs and alcohol and likes to hang around me just to prove how much of a "genius" he is and try and tell me all his damn melodrama stories and when he calls me he is worse than a clingy highschool stalker girlfriend. I'm probably gonna go even though nobody wants to go with me and I won't get to park my car where I want 'cause somebody around that area wants to beat and rob me for no reason just 'cause he's one of those "gangster" scum who SHOULD be in jail for life instead of allowed to roam the streets looking for more people to pound to make them more miserable than he is just to make himself feel better. I hate California where the gangsters always harass me; I can't even go to wildlife reserves without one of them trying to pick on me and give me dirty stares and want to beat me up.

 

Even my computer is failing me; my monitor always blanks out on me at random moments and is extremely defective. I wish I had enough for a new one 'cause when I get one, it's gonna make me that much farther from that vocal instruction book/dvd set that I really want to buy. My computer is a metaphor for my life; every time I think it's finally fixed enough, SOMETHING always breaks and it's back to epically sucking.

 

I am not suicidal, but honestly, I wouldn't care if someone broke the window right next to me and blew my brains out with a 12 gauge. The only things that make me feel like it's worth wading through the crap river are fading away and fast. I just wish I could literally spend my life savings on enough LSD to permanently fry my brain and obscure reality to the point I trick myself into being happy and carefree. But my own self-control is keeping me from that. Damn.

 

Oh well, feel free to flame; I have next to no ego anyways so what's one more drill Sergent-esque wannabe self-help guru's words gonna make me hurt more?

[jet_palero]

The worst enemy is the voice in your head that tells you the fight is already over, and there's nothing you can do. If you can beat that voice, no one will ever be able to keep you down.

 

That voice is the one you're fighting now. The first step is identifying your enemy. Its not the assholes in your life, they're just obstacles, and often they're so mindless that they're easy to predict. They just go for what they want, step by step, until they get the chance to grab it, and it makes it look like they've been planning it all along. They're beneath you.

 

The only real fight is the one against the voice, and we all have to fight it. Just keep fighting, and take baby steps towards what you want. If you can beat the voice that tells you to quit trying, you'll be unstoppable.

[cruzer]

you know im not one for positivity but i can point out some stuff that maybe your looking at it wrong.

 

going to that movie alone is actually a good thing, there might be another dude doing the same thing cuz none of his friends want to go, or maybe some hot chick. i had a friend who met a girl through anime and they both love it and been together over a year. just go in a few extra mins before movie starts, take your time leaving, try and talk with someone. look at it from my point of view, im sitting here in the house not getting out trying to get friends or girlfriend, at least going to the movie u get out and have the chance.

 

as for the singing, i listen to metal so its got a lot of crazy voices including going from growls to high pitched almost girl sounding. they are rich and famous by doing it too. i know when i try and sing the higher notes i cant even get my voice to change.

 

that woman at work, every time she says dont be depressed be happy, you should say something along the lines, you just made me that much more depressed

maybe u will get a laugh out of it and of her reaction

[rose666]

Cynical, I don't know if you meant to write a parody or if you are serious, but whatever, you are one good writer!! I'm sorry if what you're saying is all true--don't mean to make light of it at all. But you are obviously very smart and a very good writer. You should consider maybe taking a class in lit or creative writing at your local college. If you have one. Good luck! I know you seem to be in pain, but you are doing something good by writing about it. I really "enjoyed" your post. Hope you feel better soon. you will, you just need something creative to occupy your mind.

[CynicalGuitarist]

Cynical, I don't know if you meant to write a parody or if you are serious, but whatever, you are one good writer!! I'm sorry if what you're saying is all true--don't mean to make light of it at all. But you are obviously very smart and a very good writer. You should consider maybe taking a class in lit or creative writing at your local college. If you have one. Good luck! I know you seem to be in pain, but you are doing something good by writing about it. I really "enjoyed" your post. Hope you feel better soon. you will, you just need something creative to occupy your mind.

 

I hate writing. If I scryed into a crystal ball and found out I'm doomed to the life of some introverted, clammed-up writer, I'd kill myself. Oh, and college is a horrible place that depresses me.