our emotions and thoughts can play tricks on us if not careful: putting ex on pedestal

[canali]

I was today reading a craigslist blog of a buddy I met on here detailing the fallout from his 10 yr relationship with his ex.

 

I started feeling sad at his experiences of love and then the heartache involved from the breakdown and breakup... in no time was missing my ex (not that I don't any longer: just not at THAT intensity nowadays thang god!)

 

Then the cognitive filters began. I started to selectively engage in remembering the only the 'good' times ie the beginning or middle of the relationship... and started to actually regress emotionally to a place I hadn't been 'imprisoned' for some time.

 

It was a but scary at how fragile I started feeling again.

 

I then stepped back and began observing my thoughts and emotions and physical feelings...boy can we be easily lead astray if we're not careful!

 

Tben I switched things around and was able for a bit to begin to remember the OTHER side of our relationship too namely , some of those frustrations that drove us apart: her moodiness, her daughter's rudeness and issues with respect and boundaries; my ex'es last letter to me in that she truly 'never really loved me' in our 2 years together (that stung!...but better now than being together much longer and finding out such, right?...I guess); or her emotional inability to resolve tensions...or how our last road trip (aka the 'trip from hell') was such a lonely, cold and sad contrast to the warm love and affection from the earlier days of romantic discovery when we both had much more patience and gratitude (sure we never really knew each other either, hence our illusions/infatuation of love)....

 

This long weekend we'd have been together doing stuff; and if I dwell on THAT positive stuff without balance or tring to find alternate forms of happiness then I'm doomed man.

 

You get the picture?

 

One part of me realized all these sad feelings were around losing out on the dream we all have ('heck is this ''the one''? so i can finally get off of the dating merry go round?'') and not just about her missing her specifically ...So in other words I had to intentionally take her OFF of the pedestal and give myself a reality check, too.

 

Of course this is wayyyyy easier to do when you're further along the road to healing (now has been 8 months apart).

 

I just thought I'd share this experience anyway...initally it was a bit frightening, even disconcerting, but in the end I managed to grab hold of the reins of 'control' again, albeit a bit gingerly.

 

Can anyone relate?

[ellandroader]

Hi Canali,

 

I can relate totally. This just feels like a permanent shroud over my conscience right now. I don't think I miss her as such, but I miss the good parts of our relationship. I am actually growing to resent her and dislike her because I think she is gutless and selfish. She knows full well I am taking the full brunt of the emotional turmoil of this.

 

These thoughts of resent and anger might be the reality check you are referring to because at the beginning, I wasn't like this. I still saw her with the halo over her head and underneath a bright light.

 

Either way it hurts.

 

Dan

[canali]

i hear you bro, I hear you...

 

 

Hi Canali,

 

I can relate totally. This just feels like a permanent shroud over my conscience right now. I don't think I miss her as such, but I miss the good parts of our relationship. I am actually growing to resent her and dislike her because I think she is gutless and selfish. She knows full well I am taking the full brunt of the emotional turmoil of this.

 

These thoughts of resent and anger might be the reality check you are referring to because at the beginning, I wasn't like this. I still saw her with the halo over her head and underneath a bright light.

 

Either way it hurts.

 

Dan

[Hopelives]

I wish I'd stayed NC. I wished I'd left him on his pedestal instead of being gutted once again.

 

My bad. NC was working well. 10 months in. I should have known. If he was 1/2 the man I thought he was, but he is not.

[canali]

my ex was great about that: organizing get a ways for us often...crap! here I go again missing that part of 'us'...so i'm a bit fragile this weekend.

 

i guess i really feel the loss of 'us' this long weekend when so many people are away and with people and i'm trying to get out there and meet more people socially.

 

I have enjoyed my independence for too long a time that my social support structure is not the widest it could be (most friends and all family are back east).

 

I so need to feel connected again...not for an intimate relationship, but to people and to life...hey i'm trying: joining a frisbee league, trying for men's soccer, various meetups...so I am trying.

 

...back to remembering the 'not so great stuff' so I don't go backwards (not always easy is it?)

 

sheesh!

[Hopelives]

Canali,

 

that's part of my problem with him and I. there were no bad times for me to focus on. only good ones.

[canali]

if they were truly good ones in which you were really loved and cared for however, then you'd still be together, right?

but as noted he's a player...so what's that?

an emotional houdini in my books who can use many smoke and mirrors to make illusions look real.

 

Canali,

 

that's part of my problem with him and I. there were no bad times for me to focus on. only good ones.

[ellandroader]

 

I so need to feel connected again...not for an intimate relationship, but to people and to life...hey i'm trying: joining a frisbee league, trying for men's soccer, various meetups...so I am trying.

 

 

This is the hardest bit too....and you have to accept that you have to dust yourself off and keep going.

 

I can't even play soccer because I have been injured *bangs head against wall*

[Hopelives]

...but as noted he's a player...so what's that? an emotional houdini in my books who can use many smoke and mirrors that make illusions look real.

 

/hugs

 

Thank you! I'd never seen it put quite so eloquently.

 

Smoke and mirrors... exactly.

[imjgh]

Canali,

 

that's part of my problem with him and I. there were no bad times for me to focus on. only good ones.

no bad times for my girl and i either...just a out of the blue request for a break. no clue it was coming....i am so angry i want to just end it and get on with my life......only one problem.......i love her....

[journeynow]

/hugs

 

Thank you! I'd never seen it put quite so eloquently.

 

Smoke and mirrors... exactly.

 

I like that too! Smoke and mirrors, emotional houdini....GOOD one! Describes it well, and in my case, I believed the show, thought it real. Maybe he enjoyed giving the performance for the attention he received and the role he wanted to fill, but then moved on.

[journeynow]

...started feeling SO sad at his experiences of love and then the heartache involved from the breakdown and breakup.

 

Emotionally I started feeling lonely and in no time was missing my ex (not that I don't any longer: just not at THAT intensity) ....I started to selectively engage in remembering the 'good' times (beginning or middle of the relationship) and started to actually regress emotionally to a place I hadn't been 'imprisoned' for some time...

 

It was scary at how fragile I started feeling again....

 

Can anyone relate?

 

Yes! I can relate. Went there yesterday. I have to be careful here on ENA, I value the support, but some stories can trigger my remembering (beginning and middle) and deep sadness kicks in, and pulls me under.

 

Empathy is a tricky thing.

 

About the good times and qualities that we long for...those are OK, in fact, consider it a strength by recognizing that those are QUALITIES out there that you connect to and value and resonate with, and those qualities are out there in the world, always. It is useful to be aware that those qualities values are important to you, and you can incorporate them into your life and will explore new ways and new relationships to do that. It's hard to detach the thoughts from the person, but if you can step back mentally to get a bigger perspective and more breathing room, some of those sad emotions will dissipate.

 

That list of negatives, suggested in Enhanced NC, here, are very helpful too, in the difficult times. It's a reminder of our boundaries, which deserve our recognition and respect. (One book I picked up at the thrift shop, Love Shock, suggests making a tape describing why the relationship is no longer good for you, and listen to it during weak moments....it is useful to hear your voice speaking to yourself in this way. I haven't tried it yet.)