Was everything she said during the breakup a lie?

[Carpe Diem]

My ex-GF and I split up about 2 1/2 months ago for a number of reasons (she wasn't sure whether she ever wanted to get married and have kids, she is bipolar and was feeling unstable and unable to be in a relationship, and she developed an emotional relationship with a female friend that ended in a kiss). During the breakup, she told me that she felt like she was "slipping" mentally and needed to take time to get her emotional house in order.

 

She very much left the door open for us, saying that she planned to see a therapist to see if she could get to a place where she was ready to commit to the next level. Up until the end, she said that she loved me and still had feelings for me, but did not feel like she could give me 100%. She said things like "The only way I'm getting through this is by telling myself that this is not the end."

 

And of course, "this is not about anyone else" and "I do not intend to pursue anything with the other girl even after we're broken up".

 

So this week, I visit mutual friends and they tell me that she's been seeing this person for over a month. She didn't even wait a month to jump into a new relationship. She told them that her therapist suggested that they go on a date and now they're regularly seeing each other. My friends said that she always presents it to them like a "crisis of self". One minute she'll say that she isn't sure she did the right thing and she misses me. And the next she'll say that she's so happy in this new relationship and is feeling in love. She feels like she owed it to herself to see if this makes her happy, but of course told them that there was always a chance we could get back together if it doesn't (not unless she magically becomes a different person).

 

Finding this out has destroyed me, and I feel worse now than ever before during the breakup, even though we've been in NC the whole time. It makes me question everything she said to me as she was looking into my eyes with tears in her own. How could she do this? Was everything she said just words? I'm so disappointed that she gave up on herself and on us so quickly, and took the easy route by jumping into things with the person that she cheated on me with. I now feel like this was the real reason for the breakup and she wanted to keep me on the hook in case it didn't work out.

 

Why can't I get past this? I feel like I've seen her true colors, and I don't necessarily want her back because we obviously don't share the same values and conceptions of what love and respect are. But I just want to be happy again, and this has set me back further than I've ever been. :sad:

[volpe]

I'm sorry you feel bad. Honestly, the story sounds familiar, and I think many of us on the board have heard the same lines. It's not to say she didn't mean what she said. I am sure that she cared/loved you. But she was not 100% honest with you clearly, and was kind of stringing you along as you have noted. It is not fair to you to keep the door open just so she can come back if the other thing doesn't work out.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting right now. You deserve more. And there are many other people out there who share your same concept of love.

[IMAbadman]

Oh man... that's cold. Sorry bud.

 

You know dumpers say a lot of "crap" as they're exiting. Anything to avoid conflict and guilt. When you're dumped, always consider that the relationship is over. It doesn't hurt to have a little hope of reconciliation, say 25%, but the other 75% should always be moving forward.

 

You say she cheated? When? And if so why would you want her back? I understood your story as she started dating a month AFTER you two broke up.

[Carpe Diem]

Oh man... that's cold. Sorry bud.

 

You know dumpers say a lot of "crap" as they're exiting. Anything to avoid conflict and guilt. When you're dumped, always consider that the relationship is over. It doesn't hurt to have a little hope of reconciliation, say 25%, but the other 75% should always be moving forward.

 

You say she cheated? When? And if so why would you want her back? I understood your story as she started dating a month AFTER you two broke up.

Well, she cheated most obviously by kissing the other person while we were still together. Also, she developed an intimate emotional relationship with the other person while we were still together, all the while assuring me that she had no interest in anything. I don't really want her back, though my mind is currently trying to convince my heart of that. But for some reason the news of them dating so soon has really gotten to me.

[IMAbadman]

You know that's always the part that really hits a guy, or gal, when you EX starts dating first.

 

Listen, suck it. Don't freak out on her and don't let her see you sweat it. Just be all cool and confident. Fake it till you make it.

[annie24]

she is bipolar and was feeling unstable and unable to be in a relationship

 

for me, i think that she is bipolar is the crux of this whole post. i don't think you mentioned this, but is she on medication or in therapy? you have to remember that she is mentally ILL. and she has problems with making decisions. maybe some people will flame me, but i would never date a bipolar person for these reasons. or at the very least, they need to be on medication and in therapy for the rest of their lives. (but, to be honest, yeah, i really really would not date a person who is bipolar.)

 

i think that this issue is really not about you, so you need to not beat yourself up over it. and don't think that this is a woman thing, because not all women are like this. it's just her. she has her own demons she needs to battle, and she has to do it herself, with a doctor. i think you should leave her alone, heal your heart, and try to forget about her.

[Carpe Diem]

Thanks, Annie. I know that the bipolar plays a huge part in how she's able to handle relationships, so I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. She is on medication, though friends of mine have wondered whether she may have stopped taking it (bipolars are prone to do this during the high cycles), because we really did have a very good relationship. She was not on therapy while we were together, and I had hoped that she would use our time apart to do that as she said she would to work out her issues so she can truly be happier with whoever she's with. Instead, she told my friends that her therapist suggested she start dating this girl, but, as my friend said, it's probably pretty easy to tell your therapist a story that will make them suggest that you go on a date with someone if that's what you really want to do at the end of the day.

 

She definitely has problems with impulse control due in part to the bipolar, and she is aware that it colors her world as far as how she views relationships. I too will not date someone with bipolar disorder again, because it is a lifelong struggle during which the other partner has to be prepared to give and give and often not get enough in return (only 10% of marriages where one party is bipolar last). But sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with.