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Circumvention and Unhappiness!


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Ive been married since Nov 2004. We lived in Knoxville, TN and moved to Atlanta, Georgia. Prior to being married, we met during an online dating site and continued our relationship over 228 miles (weekends only). After being married in Knoxville, we moved to Atlanta a month later for a new job. This is when the problems began. I immediately noticed my stepson (her son) being defiant with cleaning his room, taking out trash, very lazy and other things. The ONLY way I can get him to do anything is to buy him something or to promise him something. (That was short-lived) The boy is lazy, don't clean his room, acts like he forgets when you tell him BUT he is a straight A or B student. He does NOT like discipline or rules! He feels as though "HE" can decide if he likes the rules...and if he should follow them or not.

 

The resent begins when I noticed my wife will circumvent something I said or when I am laying down the law - she will go upstairs and said, "This is too much for me, I'm going upstairs. This is ridiculous! My stepson purposely ignores my rules or plays stupid until I stand over him and say, 'Go do it! Basically, I have to work hard to check behind him to make sure he does his chores BEFORE he goes to bed. When my stepson would forget something or don't do something I asked him to do....my wife will ignore it or act as though its not a big deal. She has blinders on.

 

Now my son comes to live with us. Everything MY son does wrong.....it is thrown in my face or pointed out by my wife. My stepson complains to his mother about MY son when they spend time together.

 

I'm tired. She spoils him too much and I'm very resentful because he purposely does stuff I tell him NOT to do and acts like he forgot. He's very smart and plays us but her response is 'He's not a bad kid. No drugs, good grades. Hell, we should be thankful of that." I just know he got a computer, TV, nice room and everything because of me and the little "MF" can't remember to wipe off the table after a mess, or push the damm START button on a dishwasher and empty the dishes before he goes to bed! Thats just damm lazy! My son does everything I ask him to do......but he has an attitude when speaking with my wife. He act like he doesnt see her or hear her. The two boys get along.....from what I see but I think they are both FOS (f**l of s**T) Im teaching them to be responsible young men and they expect the world handed to them.

 

Stepson didn't do something I asked him to do and acted like he didnt hear me but he wanted a class ring. I said "No, wait until his senior year. Right in front of him and her. She told him, "GO get my checkbook" and while he was away she said, "Look, are you paying for his ring? If not, then I will decide!"

 

From that point on, I resent the f**k out of my wife and son. They go places together and spend more time than my wife and I. she even told me, "Well, he talks to me and tells me how he feels but he just think you don't like him!" When my wifes back is turned, the little "s**T walks away smiling!

 

Divorce has entered my mind on many occasions! I'm tired and I feel like I live in a manipulative war zone.

 

One last thing, I sat him down and asked him to tell me how he felt - without reprisal. He says, I think your rules are stupid and I wish I could live somewhere else. Cleaning my room, coming in at 9pm on a school night, 10 pm on the weekend, dishes MUST be cleaned and put away before I go to bed, wiping down tables and chairs, asking can I go outside, and other crap! I hate it, I hate it! Going through my room and finding "unfolded clean clothes under my bed so you flip my bed and make me re-clean it", no food in my rooms, Just stupid damm rules!

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I am very sorry to say you have got a big problem on your hands....being a step parent is NOT a piece of cake.

 

How long did you know your wife before you met her?

 

Coming from a woman who had a stepmother since the age of 8 (after 15 years my dad divorced her)..believe you me you stepped into a mine field.

 

Best advice is you had better sit that wife of yours down and have a good long talk and perhaps family counseling at best. Because if she is undermining your authority then you will never have peace in your household !

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Unfortunately, by trying to become the disciplinarian of someone else's son you've created a power struggle you can't possibly win, and everyone loses.

 

Peace can only be yours if you change the dynamic of your household. I'd start regarding the young man as a roommate and drop the burden of parenting him. He's not your son, and he's not going to allow you the role of his father. The best you can shoot for is the role of a friend, and friends don't boss one another around.

 

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but believe it or not, I'm in your corner. Your marriage is your primary concern, while your wife's son is her responsibility. I'd consider that carefully and embrace the liberation it implies. .

 

Best wishes.

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I knew my wife for 1 year and 11 months before marriage. The problems between us, after marriage, started when we lived together for a length of time. Also, I just remembered..............when we were dating, she told me she wanted to end our relationship because, and I quote, "Hey, I know me and Im going to get on your nerves. I dont think Im the woman for you!"

 

This argument occurred when she flew into Minneapolis, and I showed up at the airport with jeans and shirt as if I was working in the street or something. She looked at me and said, "Hey look, if Im flying in to see you, I expect you to meet me looking decent and not so raggedy. I mean.... I havent seen you in 3 weeks and this is what I see when I meet you?" I was like, " * * * ?? We didnt speak for a few weeks and tried it again!"

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Unfortunately, by trying to become the disciplinarian of someone else's son you've created a power struggle you can't possibly win, and everyone loses.

 

Peace can only be yours if you change the dynamic of your household. I'd start regarding the young man as a roommate and drop the burden of parenting him. He's not your son, and he's not going to allow you the role of his father. The best you can shoot for is the role of a friend, and friends don't boss one another around.

 

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but believe it or not, I'm in your corner. Your marriage is your primary concern, while your wife's son is her responsibility. I'd consider that carefully and embrace the liberation it implies. .

 

Best wishes.

 

You make a good point. Raising him is not my responsibility. I need to focus on building "my" son up because he gets an attitude when he notices my "stepson" seems to get away with murder!!

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I appreciate everyone's opinion to help me through these times. Unfortunately, our insurance does not cover "marriage counseling".

 

Today was an interesting day. We got up early, went shopping together ....everything was fine. We get home around 1:30 and I am expected to take the boys to get a haircut. My wife says, "Hey, do you want a burger? You might get hungry while you are out with the boys. I think about it and say, "sure". Than, I say, "Well, I dont like cleaning the George Formen grill because I have to pick up the grill, carry it over to the sink, and wash it!. My wife says, "No, you just pop out the sides and wash it this way. Its really easy cleaning!" I said, "Cool." I reach for the frozen burgers, place it on the GF grill and she says, "You need to wait until it gets hot. You dont wait until it gets hot? I said, "No, but I can......" I walk away.....sit down and my wife says, "Ya know, I cant believe you went through all of this, and placed just one burger on the grill. You didnt even THINK to ask me if I wanted a burger or not!" I said, "What are you talking about? You brought it up. I cant read your mind. You brought up the subject of the burgers because I was headed out to take the boys to get a haircut and I might get hungry! Then she says this, "Look, I was going to cook the burger for you but you went ahead and started to cook it yourself, then you give me this evil look when I corrected you about the cooking and cleaning procedure but the worst part of all this is that you didnt even THINK or consider that I might want one too. You are just damm selfish!" I stood there, replayed the events back and forth in my head to process what happened and I said, "I did not walk in the kitchen out-of-the-blue and decide I want a burger and forget to ask you if you wanted one. YOU brought it up and I said yes. No where in this, while you watched me talk about cleaning, and grab the burger did you even HINT that you wanted one. What the hell did I do wrong? I mean, let's play it back, process this and determine where this went wrong to determine the best way to approach this next time" Than she says, "Look, I know you are smart, with your MBA, and have employees when you are conducting workplace mediation and things. There is no rule, process, or procedure to how and when a person is supposed to ask for something. So dont try to figure who is wrong or right here. I just know you are selfish...."

 

People, Ive read articles about "emotional manipulators" but I swear - I thought this was damm ridiculous! I need some help here.....

 

I really believe my wife is trying to mess with my head. Than, she walks out and says, "Im going to the cleaners.......but leaves her cellphone here!"

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