Neurotic Thoughts On Dating

[noneStar]

Sometimes I tend to look at this whole dating thing from an outsider's perspective, as if I was an alien or a person from another time observing this practice called dating...

 

So bear with me here, what I'm finding out when I'm "dating" or looking for the "right person" is a lot of b.s. in my head...such as:

 

- Always thinking that there's something better out there, so I'm unwilling to commit to anyone (really and truly) - but honestly, there's always someone more attractive, smarter, more compatible, so when do you settle?

- Always feeling the pressure of not having found the right one, so then I start thinking that maybe I'm the wrong one for everyone, or that there is no such thing as the one

- Always defining the "one" relative to how they make me feel, how others will view us as a couple, etc. i.e. from a really self-centered perspective (is this healthy?)

- Feeling like this is some epic decision that I have to get right! otherwise folks are going to get hurt, mainly me so lets put it off...

 

Maybe I think about things too much....I'm not an impulsive person, my hormones don't drive me and I'm rarely certain about things of this nature, so I just don't talk to anyone I find sexually attractive in a manner that shows interest until I have analyzed everything about them and even if I get to the point where I'm with them, it'll still be a hmmm, I don't know how I really feel about you vibe from me. And that tends to put off any real display of intimacy incl. sex.

 

I've never trusted people and even moreso after my last failed relationship where the ex couldn't even tell me she was unhappy with me until we split. I wasn't sure about her, or madly in love, but for some reason I think about her more now than ever. It's pretty crazy.

 

I'm starting to wonder about why I even want to be with another person long-term. Is there a good reason? Is it wishful thinking that being in a relationship will somehow be emotionally fulfilling? Is it because that's what society deems as normal?

 

Just a long ramble, but am I the only one that thinks like this?

[Capricorn3]

Maybe I think about things too much....

I definitely agree with the above! lol. Definitely neurotic thoughts on dating, lol.

 

You're way over analyzing and over thinking to the point it just messes with your head. Don't make mountains out of mole hills or look for things which aren't even there.

 

Chill out and take a deeeeep breath. Life is not half as complicated as you make it out to be. Take each day as it comes. Dating is supposed to be fun and enjoyable, not a death sentence, lol.

[Knotty]

No, you are not the only one who thinks like that. I have similar thoughts. It's like I wish God would come down and tell me which girls were too good for me and which weren't good enough, so I could just settle with whoever I should be paired with. I am hoping that I will fall in love with the right one and then I'll know, but I can always find something I don't like about most people.

 

I also have the problem of analyzing a woman and giving the "hmmm, I don't know how I really feel about you" to women. It's like I'm forced to commit my interest to her to get and keep her attention.

 

I want to have kids some day, so that is what prevents me from feeling like throwing in the towel.

 

@Capricorn3, some people can't just turn there brains off. I have to think about things until I feel like I understand them. Unfortunately, understanding dating is proving to be harder than learning rocket surgery. For some people, for some reason, dating doesn't come naturally.

[cruzer]

- Always thinking that there's something better out there, so I'm unwilling to commit to anyone (really and truly) - but honestly, there's always someone more attractive, smarter, more compatible, so when do you settle?

 

If your with a girl, everything is going great, being with her makes you happy, etc. why is it considered settling if you chose her? Just because there is a better looking woman out there?

 

That better looking woman is going to be different from the girl your dating now. Sure she looks better, but she might lie, pick more fights with you, be less fun to be around.

 

If there is a such thing as "the one" no one understands the meaning of it. I have read and heard so many people say they are with "the one". few months or years later they are not together any longer. So what happened? Either "the one" does not exist or people do not recognize it correctly.

 

Im really in experienced at dating, but why cant people just go with the flow, be honest, and if the relationship is no longer keeping you happy, then end it and find someone who does make you happy.

[noneStar]

The thing about being in a "relationship" is that its optional for both parties.

 

It's not like kin.....who are always your kin no matter what.

 

I guess that's the part that gives me anxiety, because options mean choices, stay or leave...and there's also the inevitable hurt that will result if one of the parties decides nah that isn't for me..

 

Even marriage, it's really not for better and for worse these days.

[COtuner]

I'm starting to wonder about why I even want to be with another person long-term. Is there a good reason? Is it wishful thinking that being in a relationship will somehow be emotionally fulfilling? Is it because that's what society deems as normal?

 

This has crossed my mind a LOT lately. Why should I feel like a mutant because I can be happy alone? Usually other people are what start me feeling sad or lonely because they assume I am miserable and by the time they are done, I am miserable.

 

To me a relationship should be about choice not need. This person adds something unique and special to your life that you can't get alone, and therefore you want to be with them.

[ghost69]

you need to find that you can be happy alone if life comes down to that for you. you need to live less analytical about relationships. i've seen your posts and threads and just think you put too much pressure on yourself and you get all worked up for no reason. it almost seems to me that you feel a relationship makes you complete.

[noneStar]

you need to find that you can be happy alone if life comes down to that for you. you need to live less analytical about relationships. i've seen your posts and threads and just think you put too much pressure on yourself and you get all worked up for no reason. it almost seems to me that you feel a relationship makes you complete.

 

hmmm...

i don't feel that way about relationships. i don't feel that they will "complete" me, just that it's an important decision to either stay alone or be with someone because for social reasons matters .... and no man is an island

 

it's the significance of the decisions/actions that short-circuit my brain.

[mo]

I definitely agree with the above! lol. Definitely neurotic thoughts on dating, lol.

 

You're way over analyzing and over thinking to the point it just messes with your head. Don't make mountains out of mole hills or look for things which aren't even there.

 

Chill out and take a deeeeep breath. Life is not half as complicated as you make it out to be. Take each day as it comes. Dating is supposed to be fun and enjoyable, not a death sentence, lol.

 

Capricorn - well-said.

[cruzer]

that something unique and special is LOVE, imo

 

@nonestar - if dating and relationships had no downside, this forum would not exist. No one would get hurt, confused, etc. dating involves tons of risks and hurt. I doubt any one person goes their whole life without being hurt by someone via dating. im only 19 and i have already had that.

 

I dont have anxiety so i cant relate, but i can tell you one thing thats for sure. You cant reap rewards without taking risks. you want a good job? you have to go in debt first to get through college. you want to find love and that special someone, you have to risk it (and most def. get hurt at least once) to find that someone and love.

[noneStar]

Ok cruzer ... Risk/reward...I understand that, but when I don't have a good idea of the probabilities I'm dealing with, it's hard for me to take a risk.

 

The other part is what I alluded to above, I just don't think people are that patient anymore and our expectations are too high. It's in and out, and a lot of people including myself don't give enough time for real bonds to develop and are too quick to break them if they do ... I wish I had less choices if that makes any sense.

[cruzer]

I mean i agree with you, if u had at least 50% chance of it working you would be more than happy to give it a shot.

 

If people were more patient and more willing to work and fight for a successful relationship, rather than it not being perfect from the start so lets just break up. you would be more willing to risk it.

 

the list can go on and on, but what good does that do you? you can say the odds of it working are to slim, and here is a list to prove it, so i just wont risk it and date.

 

or you can go against all odds, give it your best shot, and hope for the best. your not the only one that thinks the way you think, act the way you act. there is a woman thinking this same thought but if your both to scared to risk it, your never going to find each other.

 

the only honest suggestion i could give you is to try and literally be the girls friend before hand. that way u know everything about her, how patient she is, how she reacts to situations, etc. you find ones that give you better odds and go with it.

[longdist]

- Always thinking that there's something better out there, so I'm unwilling to commit to anyone (really and truly) - but honestly, there's always someone more attractive, smarter, more compatible, so when do you settle?

- Always feeling the pressure of not having found the right one, so then I start thinking that maybe I'm the wrong one for everyone, or that there is no such thing as the one

- Always defining the "one" relative to how they make me feel, how others will view us as a couple, etc. i.e. from a really self-centered perspective (is this healthy?)

- Feeling like this is some epic decision that I have to get right! otherwise folks are going to get hurt, mainly me so lets put it off...

 

Good observations. I think you settle when you become happy enough (for a long enough time) with one person, to the point where the risk of starting a new relationship isn't worth it. You know what you have with your current relationship. I've also wondered:

- Is love more a decision or a feeling? I think at first it's a feeling, but as you're with someone for years, I think it becomes a decision. I think the old couples that stay happy for years are the ones that make the decision to make an effort to "love" their partner for better or worse. Unfortunately, I think today everyone is looking for quick gratification, are more about the "me", and take more stock in "feelings".

 

I've never trusted people and even moreso after my last failed relationship where the ex couldn't even tell me she was unhappy with me until we split. I wasn't sure about her, or madly in love, but for some reason I think about her more now than ever. It's pretty crazy.

Same boat here.

[cruzer]

I think the old couples that stay happy for years are the ones that make the decision to make an effort to "love" their partner for better or worse. Unfortunately, I think today everyone is looking for quick gratification, are more about the "me", and take more stock in "feelings".

 

I completely agree. I think this is the #1 reason relationships fail. Everything starts out great the couple is happy, then a few fights and they wanna give up. They just forget about how happy they were before the fights and dont care to get that back.

 

nonestar - u remind me of my ex. we started dating and right when things should have started to become a little serious, she broke up with me saying she was to scared. scared to fall in love again because the first time hurt her so bad. so im not perfect, and maybe a bad boyfriend, but im a good person. i think i could have made her happy and always be there for her, but she would not even risk it.

 

Much like your saying in this thread, you dont want to any more. Now when a girl comes, she might be great for you, but u wont risk it.

[noneStar]

i'm still recovering from a breakup. here's what happened: when i was with my ex, i held back because that's what i've always done due to all of those anxieties and worries i've listed in this threaded but when things ended, i poured out my heart to her with no response whatsoever. i never heard from her again.

 

i don't blame her because i don't know her perspective or circumstances but for me, the end result is i think i'll keep repeating this experience if i get into a new relationship because i'm not able to fully be there, until it's too late.

 

my head is always in the clouds.

[noneStar]

Here's another crazy thing that I do that I'm wondering about:

 

Is it weird to lose interest with a potential interest because of how their parents/relatives look?

i sorta lose a bit of interest in a girl, if i find things i dont like about her relatives, of a heritable nature

 

for instance, if both of her parents are short or if the males in her family are obese and/or balding or they have dumbo ears, ANYTHING

 

maybe i'm just an ******, but honestly this is becoming an issue for me.

 

i mean, i know i have flaws too...i'm not saying i don't, i have plenty, but these things just get into my head and i can't shake them free of them. its always something holding me back.

[icarus27]

nonestar, i thought about writing but the thread had got old. Good that you bumped it up.

 

I've seen a male friend for two years make it a habit to pick apart a potential female prospect and "find fault" in ways that bordered on the ridiculous .... some of the thoughts that you're confiding about on eNA .... are indicative of a person's internal problems with relationships, and dare I say, the idea of commitment to them in general.

 

This is usually the typical place where a lot of eNAers say, "Go out, screw around, have a fling or two to get it out of the system, and find what you feel like after that". That one-size-f***s-all solution does not somehow sound appropriate to you, IMO.

 

But on the other hand, I am not one to mollycoddle people who have internal problems, then go out into the world and inflict the damage on other people. I've been at the receiving end of it myself. You need to sort yourself out first.

 

Yeah, genius, you're thinking, how do I do that? You are still recovering from the break-up in your past. You've also written about how you're working on overcoming some of the shy aspects of yourself, interacting more with people. These are great moves noneStar, you just gotta give it a LOT of time. And spend that time not analysing the **** out of everything, which is another tendency of intelligent, introverted types. When you are aware of negative tendencies within yourself - disliking a girl because her brother has big ears ... catch yourself, realise you're bigger than this small-time thinking and rise above it.

 

Change can come but you have to be willing. Mooching around with some of the thoughts you wrote above

- Always feeling the pressure of not having found the right one, so then I start thinking that maybe I'm the wrong one for everyone, .....

- Always defining the "one" relative to how they make me feel, how others will view us as a couple, etc. i.e. from a really self-centered perspective (is this healthy?)

- Feeling like this is some epic decision that I have to get right! otherwise folks are going to get hurt, mainly me so lets put it off...

some may disagree, but I think these are hugely negative beliefs GUAranteed to f*** up a man or woman's enjoyment of any relationship. I could at this point self-righteously write a lot (no. 1 of the above 3 really got my goat!) .. but I think even you realise that these thoughts will only make you *continuously* unhappy, whether you're single or coupled up.

 

In case you wonder, my motivation for being very opinionated on this is that I had the misfortune of getting involved with an Asian (i.e. East Indian) woman who was truly messed up when it came to ideas of commitment and what is of value in a healthy relationship. Like you and me, she grew up in a Western (European) setting, only her ideas were deeply, deeply damaged because I think she (despite being 30) had never got her s**t together and was just sleepwalking through life, taking her cue on relationships from the latest Hollywood rom-com. Such people are not just damaged, they are damag-ING to others.

[noneStar]

In case you wonder, my motivation for being very opinionated on this is that I had the misfortune of getting involved with an Asian (i.e. East Indian) woman who was truly messed up when it came to ideas of commitment and what is of value in a healthy relationship. Like you and me, she grew up in a Western (European) setting, only her ideas were deeply, deeply damaged because I think she (despite being 30) had never got her s**t together and was just sleepwalking through life, taking her cue on relationships from the latest Hollywood rom-com. Such people are not just damaged, they are damag-ING to others.

 

That's the thing that worries me, damaging myself and others because I can't make a decision and I'm so nitpicky.

 

I think like you said it reflects some issues with making a commitment and fear of intimacy, emotional attachment, etc.

 

What you've said is right, it takes time and you have to work on these issues, so you won't be harmful to yourself and others.

 

I'm sorry about what you had to go through.