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I haven't posted my full story yet, maybe I will sommeday when it is done being written. Quick story: together with ex for 21 months, living together for past 16 months, engaged for the past 14 months, due to Wed each other May 30th of this year, 3 weeks ago tomorrow she backs out of engagement and relationship altogether. She has a 4.5 year old son, who became my son (by love, affection, and actions, not adoption yet) over these past 21 months. There is the most basic of background for you.

 

The week after the breakup I have only contacted her after she has first called or emailed me with a certain issue or question. She came over at the end of the week to get some of her stuff, but only grabbed three things and she gave me a huge hug when she left.

 

Week two after breakup we met with pastors to iron out us both feeling comfortable in our small church (at one point she proclaimed she was not going to church for two months and i should find somewhere else to go). After talking to pastors for an hour she invited me outside to "talk", but she just offered me a cigarette, but she didn't really talk, just kinda stood there looking sad.

 

Week three: I ignored her at church, but her son sat with me the whole time and kept telling me that he loves me. She called tuesday and asked me to call her about meeting her to give her any mail that had come for her. I didn't call her, but instead took her mail to her dad's house the next day while I knew she'd be at work. Today she calls again saying that her son really needs his batman blanket and she wants a few things too and she wants me to call her back so I can meet her at my house tomorrow or Saturday. Truth be told I still don't want to have any contact with her, I want her back yes, but I want to give her time to figure out this confusing time in her life and what it is like without me in it. Now I do want her to be able to get her stuff back, although she stil hasn't set a day for us to divide common property or to get her big items out. To me she kinda keeps coming up with reasons to have to see me at her beck and call, maybe I'm reading too much into it since her voice sounded sad when she left the message today.

 

This is the email that I'm going to send back to her instead of calling or texting her. Please give me feedback as I would like to send this off tonight.;

 

"Blank name,

 

Hey i'm going to be really busy over the weekend and can't tell you with any realiablity when I will be home for sure. If you want you can email me a list of things you need/want and I will do my best to find them and bring them to church on Sunday, or i can drop them by your dad's place while your at work next week. hope all is well with you.

 

Have a good weekend,

Brokenheart311"

 

Everything I put in this email is true, I have a lot of things planned, I could make a hole in my schedule to say i'll be home at 10:00 AM Saturday, but I'm not going to do that. if you guys think it's needed I could list the things I have going on in the email: moms b-day, 2 art/music festivals i want to attend, running, work, party, etc...

 

So any help or advice is appreciated.

 

thanks

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It sounds like you are going about things in a real mature way.. Your right, she needs to make up her mind whether or not she wants to be in a relationship with you. You are doing a good job of demonstrating you won't accept anything in between, and that you wont play her games. bravo

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I think your e-mail sounds fine. No need to list off the things you're doing -- it's not her business.

 

I also think you're right to just drop her stuff off. She needs time to think, you need distance from her while she's thinking -- it's better if you put some space between you. Having her come over to your house will just make you feel worse, I think. If she really just needs her stuff, then dropping it off at her dad's house will serve the same purpose as her coming over to get it.

 

I admire you for not giving into the impulse to see her even if you really, really want her back. At this point, she has exited the relationship, and if it is to be in the future, some time apart might help her to see that.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope everything works out.

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Hi, your email sounds fine. You do not have to tell what you are getting up to. You are handling this very well although im sure it hurts like mad. I would leave the things she needs at her Dads, then you dont have to see her. You are dealing with this in a very mature matter, well done and good luck.

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You have handled things impeccably. She wanted space and you have given her space. You have shown maturity in respecting her wishes at a time when it is incredibly hard for anyone to do so.

 

Only advice - keep on doing what you are doing!

 

I really hope it works out for you.

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Thank you for your quick responses. Everything I'm doing, or not doing, I learned from you guys. I ended up on here the weekend after the breakup (online searching for answers). I have literally spnet close to 20 hours on here the last 2.5 weeks, reading and learning. So I have to thank everyone who posts on here for helping me by sharing their experiences.

if you really, really want her back. At this point, she has exited the relationship, and if it is to be in the future, some time apart might help her to see that.

Two days after the break up I told myself and a mutual friend of ours that I would never take her back. After praying and the resultant softening of my heart I relised that I love her unconditionally, but can't MAKE her love me back the same amount. So yes I want her back with all of my heart and soul and I hope my patience in waiting for her to find herself pays off.

 

You are handling this very well although im sure it hurts like mad.

 

Yes it does hurt like mad. I have yet to make it through a full day without feeling emptiness throughout my body. It is almost like the SHE I fell in love with died, because she has not acted like herself since two days before the split. This is both a curse and a blessing.

 

You have shown maturity in respecting her wishes at a time when it is incredibly hard for anyone to do so.

 

Only advice - keep on doing what you are doing!

 

I really hope it works out for you.

 

Thank you, originally she asked for a two week break, two days later I was putting away her laundry and found out that she had lied to me early on in our relationship. Thinking that this lie is what was confusing her so much I asked her to come over, told her what I found out and understood why she never told me, why she was now scared because here we're about to spend our lives together and this is somehting that a husband has to know because no matter what he will eventually find out. She admitted that this lie was part of the problem, but then went ahead and ended things, so I felt like I was punished for breaking her 2 week break.

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brokenheart311 you, originally she asked for a two week break, two days later I was putting away her laundry and found out that she had lied to me early on in our relationship. Thinking that this lie is what was confusing her so much I asked her to come over, told her what I found out and understood why she never told me, why she was now scared because here we're about to spend our lives together and this is somehting that a husband has to know because no matter what he will eventually find out. She admitted that this lie was part of the problem, but then went ahead and ended things, so I felt like I was punished for breaking her 2 week break.[/i]

 

I think that is a perfectly natural reaction to finding out that someone who was going to be your future wife has lied to you. Sometimes we all need answers and sometimes people owe them to us. Don't let that worry you. Again you did nothing wrong.

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Thanks for the support and encouragement that I'm at least trying to make wise decisions. I'll update here as things unfold, I sent the above mentioned email last night and as of a few minutes ago have not gotten a reply back. i'm sure that it has maybe shocked her that I'm not bowing to every need she has at this point in time. Somewhere in her rationalization within her own confused mind I think she protrayed me as the needy partner in our relationship. Must be confusing to her to show her that I'm not what she thought(in the negative needy sense).

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Update:

 

i sent my email response to her voicemail on Thursday night. She didn't reply until this morning, when I woke up I had another voice mail from her. She had a strange semi angry tone to her voice. she had said she understands why I'm ignoring her calls, but that I'm being unfair by not allowing her instant access to myself and my home. she went on to say that she put a lot of work into my place (which she did, even a month before she left we repainted the entry way, dining room and hallway and she tore upe the carpet in the dining room so we could have new flooring put in). She told me that even though she could read my email to her that she couldn't reply with a list since something is wrong with her gmail (i smell BS) and she wants to come over today to get some stuff.

 

I took her mail and some of the things that she said she needed in her voice mail to church. i walked over and handed it to her and she asked again if she could come over. I told her that it was my mother's b-day and that i would call her when I knew what time I would be home. Again her son sat with me at church and after church he wanted me to pick him up and hug him so I did and he asked when he could spend the night. I told him he would have to ask his mom. I took him over to her as I was about to leave and she told him to get down, he asked her when he could come to my house again and she gave me a dirty look and told him she didn't know. As I was about to leave she reminded me to call her.

 

After i left church i found out what I was doing with my mom today and then called and left my ex a voice mail and told her I could meet her at seven and that she needs to let me know if she'll show up or not.

 

About 6:45 I hadn't heard anything so I again called her, if she wasn't going to be coming over I didn't want to be sitting at home waiting when I have other things I could be doing. She didn't answer and I didn't leave a message. Finally about 7:15 she texted and said "on my way" and she got to my place about 25 minutes later.

 

we smoked a cigarette on the back porch and I asked her about some job interviews she said she had coming up that was about it for chit chat. While she was gathering up some clothes, shoes and books I told her that her son asking to come over was his idea, but if she's ok with it I like spending time with him. she said she wanted he and I to have separation to which I replied "so you just want him to forget the influence I've had on his life" she replied "no i don't want him to forget but I only want you two to see each other at church."

 

As she was about to leave I asked if she would take her hermit crabs with her and she sais even though it looks like it she's not moving in with her dad, but she won't have a place of her own until at least October or november. I helped her take her stuff out, which really wasn't that much still. she shut the back of her car and I turned to go back into my house and she said "see ya later", "yep" was my only reply.

 

I know she got confused along the way about who she is, but I don't know if she was faking who she was for the 20 months we were together or if she is faking now. Right now she shows all signs of being a liar to both me and herself since she won't hardly look me in the face when we do talk. I'm also confused by her lack of looking out for the best interest of her son, she always told me she loved what a good positive male role model I was for him for her to now not want him to have hardly anything to do with me. Maybe it just tugs too much at her heart strings right now to see that he still loves, admires and looks up to me. Maybe she's afraid that if he still loves me for who I am that maybe she does too and that is contrary to what she is trying to convince herself.

 

Edit:

 

I almost forgot, while she was looking for some of her stuff she ended up going into the drawer where I put her engagement ring after she gave it back (ironically we both call it the junk drawer). she proceeded to ask if I was going to take the ring back and I told her they wouldn't sine I had it custom made for her. she then asked if I could sell the store back the diamond, I haven't asked. Why is she concerned about this ring, it's really not any of her business what I do with it?

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Ongoing saga:

 

Basically I'm just updating here with any communication between myself and my ex, any replies, advice or insights, especially from the mind of a dumper, are appreciated:

 

So last night I talked to a good friend of mine who lives 4 hours away and updated him with everything that has happened up to the time of my last post. I trust his insights and opinions since he is a very intelligent guy and has been the dumper in virtually all of his relationships. This is what his assessment is (and he has always been a tell it like he sees it guy): About her not changing her address despite the fact she said she was going to 4 weeks ago: She is reserving herself from really ending things by not changing her address yet since she has a reason to contact me weekly outside of church since her paychecks are still coming to my home. about her claiming her email didn't work even though she got my email response last week and insisted that she needed to come over: She got a little freaked out that I was "busy" last weekend especially since a good friend of hers talking to a pretty blond last friday at a public event. Because of this possible revelation to her by her friend she got a little freaked out that I may be seeing someone else and wanted to check out my house herself in an effort to search for evidence that another woman had been her. He went on to tell me that I need to be careful with NC and actually return her call every now and then if I want her back since she might just get pissed, decide that I've moved on and try to hurt our chances of reconciling further. He went on to tell me that he believes that once she gets past this confusion in her life that we will end up together, again he has never been one to sugar coat things for me.

 

Today I went running with a mutual friend of mine and my ex's, she was my ex's frind first but now she tells me that she loves us both the same. When all of this first went down I did a lot of venting to this friend since I see her 3 times a week or so, but after a week I told her i wouldn't bring up my ex's and my situation unless she asked because I didn't want to put her and her husband in the middle. I don't know how the convo got around to it, but she ended up telling me that my ex was definitely not looking for another relationship (I didn't ask, but admitted after she told me that I wondered). She also told me that she and her husband want us to get back together because we were a perfect couple in their eyes and they were looking forward to spending a lot of time with us together because we all hold the same values and similar interests. I left it at that even though I wanted to probe whether my ex ever asks about me.

 

After I got back from my run I had a missed call and voicemail from my ex saying that she thinks that one of her paychecks may have come for her since we last saw each other (sunday). I called her back when i had a chance a few hours later and told her that she did have apiece of mail at my house that looked like a check. She asked if I was home and if she could come over, I told her I had to work until 7. She then asked if she could meet me at 7:30 and I told her that I was going to go train my mother after work and wouldn't be home until about 9. I then offered that I was going to be off for the next 5 days and I could either take it to her dad's or schedule a time to meet her. she chose to have me meet me at her house tomorrow around 3. After that I asked how her graduation went and then told her i was going to let her get back to whatever she was doing and that I'd see her tomorrow.

 

End of story so far, like I said any feedback, advice or insight is appreciated.

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