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Problem Child?


gee

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Hello all,

 

I wasn't sure where to post, but I thought this would be the best place since there are going to be a lot of good advice coming from parents.

 

I am NOT a parent. I coach a soccer team with kids between the ages of 5-7 There is one particular kid that is just too much to handle at times. He wants to do as he pleases, hits some of his teammates, name calling, rude comments (even to other coaches..not to me, yet), doesn't pay attention, etc. Now, I have tried to talk to him nicely and even gone out of my way to try to work with him the most. Everyone else is fine. He has a hard time getting started in morning practices. He does a bit better when we have games against other teams.

 

His mother wrote me an email this morning concerning this. I'm glad that she did because I was starting to wonder what the heck is going on at home and how are his parents handling this situation. She mentioned to me it is happening in school and at home, as well. So, as you can see I really want to help this kid out. I have seen potential in him and I will not give up on him. I told her this! I spoke to him about “Fair Play” it represents the benefits of playing by the rules, using common sense and respecting fellow players, coaches and opponents (fans, as well). But I don't think he understands that and didn't take me very serious. I have said this to everyone on the team and most have improved on that...except for him.

 

My next move this weekend was going to be a parental intervention, but as you can see she emailed me. I want to change how I work with him and i will probably take him out of a game (or time out) if he continues this behavior. I don't tolerate bad behavior, but I don't want him to quit if I take him out.

 

Now, I posted here because I'm sure I will get some good solid advice from parents who have been there done that.

 

I would really appreciate it!

 

Thank you all for reading and taking the time to reply!

 

gee

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The fact that he gets there on time if he wants to means he has no motivation. You can use that to your advantage by not allowing him to practice and has to sit it out(for a certain amount of time) or not play in the next game when he acts up real bad. Use what he values most and thats playing. Sounds mean I know but he needs consequences (good and bad) for his behaviour which will encourage him to be there on time and to behave.

 

Plenty of praise for his good behaviour will help also. Reinforcing good behaviour with Good shot! Good Boy!!! Well done!!! etc And a quiet chat at the end of the game telling him how well he is doing and how proud you were of his good behaviour will help also.

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The fact that he gets there on time if he wants to means he has no motivation. You can use that to your advantage by not allowing him to practice and has to sit it out(for a certain amount of time) or not play in the next game when he acts up real bad. Use what he values most and thats playing. Sounds mean I know but he needs consequences (good and bad) for his behaviour which will encourage him to be there on time and to behave.

 

Plenty of praise for his good behaviour will help also. Reinforcing good behaviour with Good shot! Good Boy!!! Well done!!! etc And a quiet chat at the end of the game telling him how well he is doing and how proud you were of his good behaviour will help also.

 

I spoil them with praise in abundance! But a quiet chat with him after the game will be a good idea!

 

Thanks for this I appreciate it, amipushy!

 

gee

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You are not the parent and you should not be expected to parent this child. The parents should be dealing with him and correcting his behaviour at home...if he gets away with this kind of behaviour at home it is not surprising that he does outside the home. There are a lot of children like him..they have not been properly disciplined from the time they were very very young and the bad behaviour gets worse and worse until they become out of control. If you take him out and he quits, so be it...that is his loss not yours. He has to learn consequences for bad behaviour.

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Hi CAD,

 

I'm not trying to parent anyone. I know what you mean.

 

I guess there is more to this story than I thought. His Mom just emailed me again. He is adopted and has been in therapy ever since (he has been with his new family for 2 years). They are working hard for him to settle..she puts it as, "rewiring."

 

I know this is out of my hands, but if I can be some sort of help and encourage him a bit to play and behave better with his teammates it would be wonderful. I have encouraged many kids on the field and I have been doing a great job at it. At home it is all up to his family...I know this.

 

Let's see how this weekend unfolds.

 

Thanks, CAD.

 

gee

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Just don't take it personally if you can't do very much. Given his background it will take a lot of parenting to get him back on track...you have other children in the group that you need to focus on and you can't hold them back for this one child who is the responsibility of his parents.

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Yes, parents have the main role but a postive role model and a mentor to a child who is confused, disorientated and vulnerable can and does change lives.

 

The fact that you even care enough to post about this little boy who has obviously had crappy start in life tells me that this kids is lucky to have you as a positive influence is his new life.

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Now, I have tried to talk to him nicely and even gone out of my way to try to work with him the most. Everyone else is fine. He has a hard time getting started in morning practices. He does a bit better when we have games against other teams.

 

Talking "nice" isn't going to work. You may have to start enforcing some punishment. Making him sit on the bench or something when he acts up. You will probably need to set up these rules before hand, and explain it to the whole group of kids. This way they know the punishment if they act up and there is no excuse for whining about the punishment later when it is enforced. You may also want to express this new rule to the mother of this kid as well, explaining that the punishment for acting up is going to be 10 minutes on the bench while the rest of the kids play. THIS may be annoying to enforce because you'd have to have someone watch him to make sure he stays there, and you may even have to ask for support of his parents on this.

 

Regardless, he needs the structure and needs the rules enforced. He's clearly testing the rules by defying them and is getting away with it. What do you think he is learning by that?

 

Also, I would create rewards for good behavior. Perhaps some candy or maybe something to do with the game itself if he behaves good for a time. The postive enforcement along with negative punishment should work.

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Yes, parents have the main role but a postive role model and a mentor to a child who is confused, disorientated and vulnerable can and does change lives.

 

The fact that you even care enough to post about this little boy who has obviously had crappy start in life tells me that this kids is lucky to have you as a positive influence is his new life.

 

I agree! I'm not trying to save this kid or anything like that, but I do care about him, and the rest of the team!!! Any positive influence I can inject in him would be great. If I can make a small impact in this lil fella then I know I have done something good for someone and that will go a long way. I'm not doing this for me to look good..not at all. I'm trying to give back to the community where I grew up. I'm coaching for free. The organisation wanted to pay me since I have a lot of soccer experience.

 

They have brought so much positivity into my life!!!

 

Thank you all for your time. I'll let everyone know how things go.

 

gee

 

amypushy, thanks for those kind words! The fact that you even care enough to post about this little boy who has obviously had crappy start in life tells me that this kids is lucky to have you as a positive influence is his new life.

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Best of luck to you, I'm finding with kids it's more rewarding to encourage rather than punish, throwing more negatives towards them usually backfires. They sure are one of a kind & handful buggers...yet we forget we were just like them!

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So, yesterday went very smooth with him. I spoke to him early in the morning before practice started (I decided to talk to him only). I sat down with him for ~10min on the field. I think something switched inside of him. For once he was acknowledging me. I encouraged him and I was also able to work with everyone instead of chasing him around to behave. I know he has issues but I wasn't going to come down hard on him. I think he is getting the picture that he needs to improve with his teammates and others. Everyone deserves a chance!

 

There was one small incident where he wanted to do what I was doing. He forgot he was supposed to be with his team getting ready for my instructions (lost concentration for a min I guess). I looked at him and told him to get back with his team and he ran back and that was that. I didn't have to tell him twice! Small improvement, but it made my day. If he can behave this well I'm sure he is on the right path. His parents/therapy are doing a good job. I'm glad I can talk to him even if has heard it all before. Sometimes we just need the right people that can make an impact in your life.

 

His Mom was all smiles and came up to me and thanked me. I told her no, thank you for writing me about this. I told her that I praised her for bringing him to their family!

 

Thanks for ready everyone.

 

gee

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  • 4 weeks later...

Although, I do agree with most of the comments and every body has given right direction. But to me , teachers & parents need to be more advanced in their skills towards handling such children. For coach, I would recommend that talk to his parents and ask if their are other underlying issues, as their are few programs like home based intervention system that can help parents & teachers as well to deal with a wide range of problems that children often encounter including; anger, substance abuse, school issues, self-esteem, arguing, motivation, interacting with family, and more. Parents, teachers, school counselors, grandparents, and any other individuals who frequently interact with children will benefit from techniques and concepts presented by the link removed.

I hope this information helps, see for yourself how these types of system/programs works in changing child behaviors.

Best wishes...

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