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I don't think I'm cut out for relationships


hexaemeron

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So, some of you might have read some of my previous posts. I'm an almost 30-something with Asperger's Syndrome and I have an ADHD boyfriend of 3.5 years. I was reading the thread about how if relationships need work, that it's not working.

 

I don't think I'm very relationship-friendly. That's not to say everything that goes wrong is my fault, but I bring some challenges to the table.

 

My partner and I have had an absolutely 1000% uphill battle to be together since day 1. We started as an LDR between Atlanta (him) and San Francisco (me). He moved out to be with me since he lost his job and ran out of money and didn't want to go home to MD to live with his mom, and he swore he'd have a job just as soon as possible. Well, after almost 3 years, with the threat of me throwing him out and finding him the interview, he finally got the job. Now, during this time, he also put on around 80lbs. He went from a 34"/36" waist to 54" waist. The sex dried up in the first year and a half because I went from having financial freedom and real enjoyment in my life to barely keeping a nostril above water every day with no help.

 

Now, my parents decided to fall off their wagon around this time and become Oxycontin junkies so I had to try to support them and be there (even though I was accross the country in California) on top of living in one of the most expensive places in the US, doing the job of two people myself for years at a time.

 

And as time went on, he got moodier, meaner and basically never let an opportunity pass without telling me what a horrible bf I was and how I never did this right, or this right, on and on, weeks into months into years. I have trouble articulating emotions or feelings about what I think of something and I'm not really given to sharing my feelings, whereas he could talk 24/7 about what he feels and how strong it is and on and on and on.....

 

Now, with all of this going on, feeling my whole life slip away from me, I flirted online with boys. A lot. I had lost 30 lbs and gotten very fit dealing with all this drama so I never lacked for attention from anyone, guy or girl. It was my escape. My pocket of sanity where I didn't have to be me, where my responsibilities and stresses couldn't reach me. My bf would find out, get mad, eventually spitting on me and trying to hit me, and I never wanted to hurt him, but I didn't know how else to handle my life as it had become.

 

Now, I'm sure you're saying "Why didn't you just break up with him?" Well, I tried to. A lot. Many times, in fact, but it never held. He had no one. I called his own mother to ask her to take him, and she flat out refused. He would have nowhere to go, no job, no money, nothing. And as much as I had hated him for awhile, I just couldn't do that to him. I should probably say that my last relationship before this of almost 3 years was a very similar situation of someone not working, getting fat, hating and resenting me, and finally me flirting and cheating to compensate.

 

But now, he's been working for 5 months and things are better, sort of. But I have no sexual attraction to him. Haven't for years. And honestly, I wouldn't require sexual monogamy of him or anyone I've dated. It's just how I am. I try to be monogamous to respect him, but I've stumbled with flirting and cheating out of just sheer sadness.

 

I guess what I'm starting to question is wondering whether I even should be in a relationship, this one specifically and one at all. My one fantasy is just not having any one else bleeding me dry, emotionally, financially, physically. By the end of the three years he wasn't working, I was losing my hair, having panic attacks, vomiting at work.

 

I just want peace. I do love him, so if there's a way to find my way through with him, I'd like that, but I'm really beginning to wonder if I just need to tell everyone to take a hike and just leave me alone.

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That's where I'm at. Time to regroup. Not saying I'll never date again, but I really need to put myself and my life in order first. I have other priorities, mostly kids and finances (well, and surfing), and I'm just not ready to offer enough to make it fair to anyone to date me.

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That's where I'm at. Time to regroup. Not saying I'll never date again, but I really need to put myself and my life in order first. I have other priorities, mostly kids and finances (well, and surfing), and I'm just not ready to offer enough to make it fair to anyone to date me.

 

Well, it's just that the two long-term relationships I've had have been so ridiculous and painful. They were both literally 90% agony and 10% pleasure/contentment.

 

I really honestly think I'd be happier on my own permenantly. I wouldn't want to put someone else through a relationship unless I really knew I wanted one, and could handle it.

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Well, in my humble opinion, sometimes self-preservation takes precedence over all else.

 

Re: your bf -- I do understand that you care for him and would prefer not to hurt him. BUT it seems like you have to choose -- him or you.

 

Support him and lose you OR Lose him and save you.

 

I know that may appear too simplistic to you but sometimes, it IS really that simple.

 

Just a thought...

 

There are so many things I want to do, or want to be open to, that I simply can't be in any relationship. I moved to SF on a total whim when I was 21, and if I wanted to move to Amsterdam or Dubai or Shanghai on a whim, I couldn't do that now. I don't like permenance, because up until now, the only constant has been discord and disappointment.

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Well, it's just that the two long-term relationships I've had have been so ridiculous and painful. They were both literally 90% agony and 10% pleasure/contentment.

 

I really honestly think I'd be happier on my own permenantly. I wouldn't want to put someone else through a relationship unless I really knew I wanted one, and could handle it.

 

I think it really has to do with being fully healed in every way and being offered a relationship deal that's more balanced. If I say never (even though I do think it) then I am sure to be on here eventually saying I did it again anyway.

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Well the last two relationships you've been in have been with men who leach onto you and suffocate you with problems. Then this one tells you, the man who is supporting him financially and dealing with his fat butt, that you are not a good bf? Oh no, honey!! This has to stop.

 

You can either chose to live or chose to die. You get rid of him and live, or you stay smothered, barely breathing, barely trying to exist, and die.

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I think it really has to do with being fully healed in every way and being offered a relationship deal that's more balanced. If I say never (even though I do think it) then I am sure to be on here eventually saying I did it again anyway.

 

I have quite a natural gravitation toward transience. It doesn't make me starry-eyed to think of being with one person forever. If anything, it makes me panic and feel totally boxed in, but then, given my experience, that's probably understandable.

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Well the last two relationships you've been in have been with men who leach onto you and suffocate you with problems. Then this one tells you, the man who is supporting him financially and dealing with his fat butt, that you are not a good bf? Oh no, honey!! This has to stop.

 

You can either chose to live or chose to die. You get rid of him and live, or you stay smothered, barely breathing, barely trying to exist, and die.

 

Since he has started working, most of that behavior has gone away. I must give him credit where credit is due and say he's been seriously kicking his ass to work hard and he's going to the gym to try to get healthy and fit.

 

I cannot take those accomplishments and merits away from him. I'm just wondering if it's a case of too little, too late.

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Why is it such a bad thing to be dependable or responsible?

The constant may have been "discord and disappointment" NOT because of you but bc some people (who should have loved you enough to protect you -- even from themselves) chose to take advantage of your giving and dependable nature.

 

Yes, like ready2heal said: no need to think right now about "never dating again" -- first things first: let this man go. Relationships should enrich your life, no? If you feel oppressed by the current situation, please get yourself out of it! He's not going to leave on his own accord and it's NOT your responsibility to take care of him (even though you first instinct may be to try and help him).

 

Here's my conflict though. Since he's been working he HAS been doing better. He contributes, he wrote me a letter all but agreeing that everything I said about him and his behavior was true and that he was honestly sorry and wanted to make it right.

 

But again, I'm wondering if it's too little, too late.

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I have quite a natural gravitation toward transience. It doesn't make me starry-eyed to think of being with one person forever. If anything, it makes me panic and feel totally boxed in, but then, given my experience, that's probably understandable.

 

Yeah, it can be very difficult to imagine a life ENHANCING relationship if all you've ever known are parasitic relationships in which you are the host.

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Since he has started working, most of that behavior has gone away. I must give him credit where credit is due and say he's been seriously kicking his ass to work hard and he's going to the gym to try to get healthy and fit.

 

I cannot take those accomplishments and merits away from him. I'm just wondering if it's a case of too little, too late.

 

It may be. I've seen relationships where one partner gains alot of weight, is lazy, etc, for several months, then gets back in shape and changes completely. Unfortunately the damage has been done and their partner always sees them as the fat, lazy person. It may be that deep inside, you still harbor some resentful feelings toward him, and that resentment is causing you to just not be attracted to him anymore.

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It may be. I've seen relationships where one partner gains alot of weight, is lazy, etc, for several months, then gets back in shape and changes completely. Unfortunately the damage has been done and their partner always sees them as the fat, lazy person. It may be that deep inside, you still harbor some resentful feelings toward him, and that resentment is causing you to just not be attracted to him anymore.

 

Oh, I still absolutely do resent him. When I would beg and cry for him to get a job, to take anything to help, he would say he was doing his best and that I really shouldn't be so put out because "you'd be working the same job anyway".

 

For his birthday last year, we had no money at all. But I wanted him to have as nice a birthday as I could muster. His family, awash in their own griefs and problems and dramas, largely forgot his birthday. I didn't. I bought him a 20 dollar cake we couldn't afford and got a 2 and 6 candle for 26 and a romantic card saying how much I loved him and that things would eventually be okay.

 

He later told me that my efforts on his birthday, while appreciated, "were uninspired and not nearly enough to the point that I shouldn't have bothered with anything" and one month later, for my birthday, he did nothing at all for mine because he felt so put out by my lack of effort on his.

 

That is probably the most hurt I have ever been in my life. And I try to let that go, but I can't.

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It's great that you're giving credit where it's due and of course, it's great that he's doing all of these things to improve his life.

 

SO, are you willing to go to couple's therapy to see if you can reconcile the issues so that you two can work on maintaining a healthier relationship?

 

To a certain extent, it sounds like you are fishing for reasons NOT to break away from a relationship, which you say is NOT enriching your life.

 

I'm going to therapy now. Our respective work schedules don't give us a lot of common time, so couples counseling is out for the moment. Actually, our lack of time together has probably helped us because we can appreciate the time we do have much more than we used to.

 

I just want to do the right thing by everyone.

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See, I think that your resentments are stopping you from seeing him as the same person he was before the unemployment and weight gain.

 

Honestly, the ONLY way you're going to overcome this is some sort of couples counseling, OR counseling on your own. The problem you are facing is guilt. You feel that since he has made all these great changes that you owe him a chance, but in reality, you are already done with the relationship and you feel guilty because you are done. You are still with him out of guilt.

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You know how I feel about this situation so I won't beat a dead horse.

 

I just have one question: Are you staying for you or for him?

 

I honestly don't know. I know I don't need anyone to be there for me, but when things are okay, they're actually really good. It just doesn't happen that often, from my problems flaring up, to his.

 

I just want to find a solution where everyone's happy and no one gets hurt.

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I remember hearing Elton John being interviewed about his love life. He had lots of relationships but they all went sour except his current one which has lasted for years.

He realised that the reason his relationships failed because he kept repeating the same mistake.

"I didn't have boyfriends, I took hostages." He said.

He would meet a guy and start a relationship with him. But the BF would have to give up his job to follow Elton around the globe and elton could certainly afford it.

At the start the BF would think he was on to a winner but it would eventually affect his self-esteem and also Elton's respect for him.

His current BF has a career in his own right.

He may not make alot of money but he has self-respect and if he got fed up of Elton tomorrow he wouldn't starve.

 

I'm not sure if this equates exactly with your situation but don't give up on love, look back and ask yourself is there a pattern?

Also date solvent people only. Date your equals.

 

Good luck!

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5 Red Flags In Relationships
5 Red Flags In Relationships

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