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Hey All,

 

So I've been reading and reading on ENA for the past 1.5 years but never posted on my own. My BF broke up with me and we've been on and off for a year and a half after dating happily for 3 years. Everytime we'd be "off again" I would read and read about what to do or what not to do on other threads. I did things for myself, moved apartments, ran a marathon and got a promotion at work. I was always pretty good at NC but will admit at times I was the one to break it. The NC wasn't really for myself ever, it was to try to make him come back. And when he wasn't coming I'd send a message to catch up since we did agree to try to be friends. Consistantly this always lead into us dating again....and then breaking up again. I was in a vicious cycle.

 

So here I am now.....not looking in the getting back together threads but the healing ones. My healing needs to start. I really love this guy and he's told me time and time again that he'll never be loved the way I love him and I've always been there for him through good and bad even though he's dragged me through so much but he just can't make it work with me and doesn't see it working long term. He's not exactly sure why and can never pin-point it for me. He's not sure if he's afraid of commitment, doesn't know what he wants, the break up just put too much between us or if he just can't get over everything that gone on during these breaks. In all honesty, he's being fair and always seems so smart and right when we talk about things. The bottom line always being that he's thinks I'm great and wants me to be happy but he doens't think we'll happy.

 

And yes, that is fair I guess, but what isn't fair is that to get to this point he's done a lot to hurt to me. He's overlapped dating me and someone else at one time without my knowledge. He's lied about who he's with and where he's been to keep me at a distance at times. When I've tried to give him a hard time when he's come back and made him beg for it, he has, telling me he wants to be with me forever and he's made huge huge mistakes. He's totally taken advantage of my feelings and treated me with complete disrespect. And he always runs and dates someone almost immediately after we break up, everytime!!!

 

Of course he started seeing someone just a month after our last breakup (2 months ago). He just moves on and doesn't have to deal with the hurt and pain like I do. He doesn't even have time to think about me because he's consumed with someone else already. We made contact about two weeks ago and caught up - it was great and I was happy with it. I had some stuff going on right when we were breaking up that he wanted to check in on (weekend vacations, sister having baby). Then we spoke again about a week later and he told me he loved me still, he missed me, he had seen me in the street but walked away because it would have been too painful for him to say hello, blah blah. Basically feeding me what we'd all want to hear. He asked if he could come by and when I said no, he turned the tables and told me he was dating someone. He's been unhappy with her (red flags if you're unhappy after just over a month right???) so he called me.

 

He later contacted me again to apologize for everything he had said about us because apparently it wasn't true. He said any feelings he has for me he can't act on. He thinks he'll have them forever and will have times in his life where he'll feel nostalgic and want to call me, like the other night, but that he'll exhibit more self control and not contact me like that. And he told me how it wasn't fair to talk about the new GF like that to me. If he's going through something with her, he should discuss it with her.

 

He has hurt me SO SO SO much coming in and out of my life and lieing along the way about how serious his feelings are, he's lied about dating other women, and the small white lies too. He's given me hope and I've been so happy again and then he just rips it away and runs to someone new. I do love him dearly, but this needs to stop.

 

He's told me that he'd like to be friends as I'm easy to talk to and he enjoys hearing whats new with me and my family but that in the past something has always happened and we go down the road toward getting back together and expecations are developed. He wants to be sensitive to that going forward because it worries him. But, if he doesn't want that and is with someone else, why does he fear that even happening!?!?!?!! Anyway, I can't do this. Its too hard for me. As much as I want him in my life, I can't, its always bad news. I'm not sure I can even look at him knowing he'll go home to someone. I went through that before. We'd meet up while we were both dating someone else, have coffee, shop, lunch....eventually he broke up with his GF and poured his heart out to me. It took several weeks but I ended up breaking up with my BF and we dated again. It was hard staying calm, being myself and having fun when we'd hang out during that time b/c he was with someone else - and all that time I WAS with someone too. I can't imagine how hard it'd be now because there's more hurt and I'm alone.

 

So, after all that (if you're still reading) I get to my issue now....do I just go NC or write a final letter or have a final phone call. I fear that just going NC leaves so many questions that I'd like answered unanswered. Part of me feels that I can't heal by just trying to forget. I need him to come clean about everything (all the lies - most I've figured out anyway) and tell me why and apologize to me. Does anyone else feel that way? Like you can't move on or heal unless everything is put on the table? I just want apologies and and answers. I really want to know why he thought in January we shoudl be together and why he fought for it and once he had it just stopped working on it. He talked about working on things and then when I was there and ready he didn't do a thing, nothing changed for us and it was over again and now he's in the arms of some ohter women and telling me how he's not happy!!!! I need that explained. And I need him to admit the lies and to feel badly for them.

 

Do I write him a letter and ask for answers, apologies and explanations? And tell him this is over, we can't meet up ever and he should never bother contacting me? Or do I just try my best to get on and hope it goes away? I just fear it manifesting and me exploading.....

 

I'm not sure if it's about "winning" - like I almost need him to have to admit he's a chump over and over to make him feel some pain and me feel better. I just don't know. And I must admit there's still a HUGE HUGE part of me that secretly wants him to come crawling back to me so I can make him beg and beg and beg as pay back and hurt him right back.

 

I know this seems crazy but I want to heal and right now I feel like answers is what I'm needing. Shoudl I hold off and see if it goes away? I jsut hope that a month from now I'm still not wating them, you know?

 

Anyone else go through this or have advice?

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Write your letter on ena for yourself, for closure and do not send. block all forms of communication from him and get ready to start healing!

 

I can't agree more!

 

I've been through a similar situation (startlingly similar!) and you have to just stop allowing him to invade your life, or else you will hurt forever.

 

I'd love to ask my ex some of the same questions- but it's taken me months to figure out that he'll never tell me the whole truth, or he'll sugar -coat the answers to avoid hurting me, or whatever- I'll never get the closure I need from HIM, I can only get it from MYSELF.

 

You are beginning to heal yourself- whether or not he means to, having him in your life, in any capacity, and UNTIL you are healed will prevent any progress on your part. The only things you need from him for the next several months are

 

1.) Time apart

2.) Distance.

 

Hang in there- we're here for you when it gets bad!

 

XO SG

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You will never get real answers from people like that. There are just some people that are so messed up that they mess up the world around them. Accept that he is not relationship material...accept that there are no answers to how he could treat you like that...yep, he is jerk and he knows it..but don't expect him to tell you that and to apologize and be remorseful. The fact that he can actually behave that way to you shows the kind of person he is...those kind of people are the same kind that won't acknowledge wrong-doing, won't properly apologize and will continue to blunder through life like a tornado doing damage where ever it touches down. Write down all your anger and pain but don't send it. You will never get the closure from him because people like him don't really care about who they hurt.

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Asking questions and seeking explanations aren't going to give you closure, just the opposite in fact, there will be more questions and more need for explanations.

 

Closure is something you do for yourself. It is a closing of the relationship here and now. It's the drawing of a line in the sand, accepting that some questions may never be answered, and walking away. It's beginning a new phase of your life without the cares and issues that are still held over from the last relationship.

 

In my opinion, you are not ready for closure. You are on the path, but not quite ready yet. You need to let him go, walk away from him and never look back. Put things in place to ensure you do not contact him, and if he contacts you tell him in short order, that he is not to do that again.

 

Don't try to make friends with him, if that is going to happen, that will be years down the track, and you can ask all your questions then. The only person in your life right here and now should be you.

 

You both have the same level of feelings for each other, thus the continued coming back. You try to get away but the attraction keeps bringing you back, the memories of a better time are all that are holding you together, but they are not sustainable, as you both keep leaving again. Do yourself a favour, walk away for good.

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I guess the truth is that I'm not truly ready for closure. I don't think I could right that letter yet because I haven't come to terms with everythign that has happened, hence all the questions.

 

At the same time though part of me thinks I am almost looking for the rejection over and over again so that I really believe it. I know each time I hurt all over again and I bring it on myself. You're right in that the letter would make me want to ask more questions and I'd just hurt more and more. But, there's still part of me, even though I try to fake it, that thinks he'll be back again one day. Probably a result of him coming back all the time - in the past year and a half, so since last Nov '07, he came back in Jan '08 (short lived), Feb '08 and stayed until June-ish, then real NC until Sept when he came back for a month or so, then LC until he came back again this Jan and left in March. Maybe thats my biggest problem....I think he'll be back again. I hope I wouldn't take him, but its just the satisfaction and the chance.

 

Wow, I've just confused myslef here....I don't if the letter would be to continue to drive him more and more away so he doesn't ever come back and make me more and more angry to realize I don't want him if he does. Or am I wanting to wirte the letter and ask questions to make him think about us and not his new relationship.

 

Ugh.....

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I've read some of the goodbye letters in that thread and I just really realize that I'm not ready for that. even if he'll never see it and I can write a new one next week it'd jsut be too hard to write. Just thinking about it forces me to think about how much I loved him and how great I thought we'd be together and thats painful. And now its made me think maybe I'm the one who doesn't know what love is or how to love because if I thought was we had was real, I was dead wrong apparently.

 

So this week I decided I was going to force myself to get over him and obviously thought one of those steps was writing the letter asking for closure. Another one was actaully accepting to meet up with one of the people from link removed who have wanted to meet up. I've been on there everytim I haven't been with my ex hoping something would fall into my lap, but never really have been interested and always blow the people off. So I decided to force it this week.

 

I'm supposed to go tomorrow night and I feel miserable about it. Of course I hope this guy is amazing but I'm not sure I'll give a good impression or even really be able to be myself or fun. And, he suggested a quiet quiet bar which is normal I suppose, but there a sporting event that I'm dying to catch - NBA playoffs. So I suggested we go to more of a sports bar to be sure we'll be able to see the score throughout the evening and in the back of my mind I hope my ex sees us wherever we are!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Am I going nuts? I think so, hahaha

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