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Based on the below list, do you think the pros outweight the cons? It may differ based on what's important to each person but I am curious to know what many people think.

 

 

+

Cheers me up when I am down

Passionate

Puts me as priority

Would not cheat, abuse

Compliments me often

Good communication

 

-

Easily jealous

Controlling

No future career plans

Different interests

Not willing to do things that make me happy

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+

Cheers me up when I am down

Puts me as priority

Would not cheat, abuse

Compliments me often

 

-

Not willing to do things that make me happy

 

These seem to be very contradictory.

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To clear it up:

 

+

Cheers me up when I am down (when I am down b/c of family issues, friends, job etc he will make jokes to make me laugh)

Passionate

Puts me as priority (Would work at night and still come to see me in the morning, if he has plans he would make arrangements to come see me still as much as possible)

Would not cheat, abuse (I can trust him)

Compliments me often

Good communication (He encoruages me to talk about any issues and open up when I am feeling down so that we can solve our problems)

 

-

Easily jealous (If I just look at a guy , he becomes very insecure and gets upset; although he doesn't make it a big deal when I look at babies, or anyone else)

Controlling (Tells me to be home early and not to do things like going to dances b/c he doesn't like it and he won't come with me but he wouldn't like me going as well; I don't have issues with him doing things he enjoys)

No future career plans

Different interests (Some things I enjoy doing, he does not. I enjoy hanging around with people, he prefers just the two of us, I enjoy going to places, he prefers staying at home)

Not willing to do things that make me happy (If he wants to do something he likes I am willing to do it for his happiness but he isn't willing to do the same for me but it might be because he's uncomfortable)

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Huh?!? Are we reading the same thing?

 

What part?

 

The pros on his list are great, but no matter how great I don't think I would want to be in a relationship with someone who could be described as: controlling, jealous, unwilling to make me happy, and who had no career ambition. To me, it's not really about whether or not the pros outweigh the cons, but whether or not I am happy with this person and can picture him as my life partner. The person described by that list does not qualify!

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Di_ya2009,

 

My opinion is that if you're making a pros and cons list, you're already at the point where the relationship is not working out very well.

 

I think the questions to ask yourself are:

- Am I happy most of the time in the relationship?

- Do we share the same core values/goals in life? (the part about him having no career ambition might fit in here, if that is something that is important to you)

- Can I imagine spending the rest of my life with him? (if you are looking for a life partner) or simply Can I imagine the future with him?

- Can I live with his "flaws" now? for the rest of my life? How would I feel if everything on that list stayed the same - ie assume he will never change the things you don't like about him?

 

I don't know how old you are or what your background is, but it seems to me as though this list is a rationalization, or an exercise in settling.

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Here's my take on it.

 

You're listing good qualities which mean nothing if he doesn't make you happy. He is obviously not making you happy, he's just being a "good boyfriend" which doesn't mean much when it comes to long term.

 

So to mean the pros do NOT outweight the cons. Con's take it for the win.

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Here's my take on it.

 

You're listing good qualities which mean nothing if he doesn't make you happy. He is obviously not making you happy, he's just being a "good boyfriend" which doesn't mean much when it comes to long term.

 

So to mean the pros do NOT outweight the cons. Con's take it for the win.

 

That's very "eye-opening" , you are right! Thanks!

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Thank you Shopie, I am 22 , was with my b/f from the age of 17-21 and him 19-23, I think I am trying to rationalize. We are no longer together and I don't want him contacting me but I think I am just afraid of "what if my next bf is not great". I mean every realtionship has problems. But I am more happy right now than when I was with him so I guess that tells a lot. I need to move on. I hope he stops contacting me and I hope I stop answering him so that I don't question my decision especially since I know deep down I made the right choice.

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I am just thinking though, what if there's someone who comes with me to places, is not jealous, or controlling but lies to me and cheats on me? That would be worse. Hmmm but then again maybe I am thinking negatively out of fear of the future.

 

But, I would leave that person and won't take it...but my ex seems much better than someone who would cheat. (I am full of contradicting thoughts)

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I completely understand where you are coming from as I am in a similar situation myself.

 

You have all the right answers and the right outlook, just maybe a little bit of lack of confidence! Just re-read what you just wrote: you are happier now that you were when you were with him, and you know you made the right choice. It's scary being on your own, and wondering, but so far, everyone I know who has gone through a break-up has found someone else fantastic afterwards.

 

I spoke about this with my therapist (about my case - not yours!), and he told me that he was absolutely not worried about me finding someone else. That he would only be worried if I were extremely unattractive or had extremely bad social skills. Your next boyfriend will be great! There are plenty of guys who are trustworthy, won't cheat, and won't be jealous/controlling, who will share your goals.

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Thanks again Shopie, I definitely needed to hear that.

 

It's frustrating because last month I was doing fine and I was glad I made the choice that I did and my ex didn't contact me or I chose to ignore his calls and I didn't think about him much either.

 

But, now he's calling again and I picked up the phone and even though I know I made the right decision I can't help fear that the person I meet in the future might be worse than him. But like you said people end up with a better realtionship and are usually glad they broke up with thier previous partner.

 

I have to keep reminding myself that I can't put myself back into the situation where I feel like I can't be myself and can't do things I want to just b/c he is not interested in them.

 

I will move on to someone with good morals and values and who has the same interests as me. I have hope.

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If the next person is worse, then you keep looking.

 

Eventually you will find one where there are few cons and they are small cons hugely outweighed by all the positive things you like about him.

 

You don`t have to "settle" for someone who isnt right for you, and you don`t have to settle for the next guy that comes along.

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