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next relationship: will any of you take it both more seriously and also less seriously?


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just wondering?

 

by taking it 'more seriously' I mean keeping in mind the lessons from your last relationship and therein being attentive to your own 'stuff' as well as seeing the new person more clearly, too...also knowing more clearly your needs and wants and not being with someone out of loneliness or lust (been there done that)...dealing with things more open heartedly, more honestly, more courageously.

 

...and by taking it 'less seriously' is to realize that this new relationship may also have a timeline too...whether it be 4 months or 2 years or 12 years...whether it lasts or not will be up to a whole host of ingredients, some of which you can change, while others you cannot iethe 'serenity' prayer:

 

''God grant me the serenity

to accept the things

I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.''

 

I think alot of us feel once healed the next one just may be 'the one'...c'mon..relax...life is full of ongoing lessons to be learned....I'll sure try to chill out more next time...and the gig is: even all the things that I have worked on may NOT be what the next relationship needs then what? Keep on learning and loving and growingI guess until you find someone more compatible (but again that is also relevant considering life is full of change: what we feel today we may not feel 5 years down the road).

 

Ain't life a [edit]?! this is what I mean by not taking it so seriously too...I am not trying to be flippant but instead just having a larger sense of perspective of my whole life of relationship experiences, that is all.

 

I for one feel life is a series of relationships...some will be short, others medium in length and yet still others longer...

 

whether they 'last' isn't as important as if we're happy and growing.

 

I'm just trying to get into a space where I can both be more 'into it'/responsible etc but also more 'relaxed' and easy going to go with the flow..can anyone relate?

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As the umpire once said, "It's nothing until I call it." Nobody can be "the one" unless I chose them to be "the one". Before then they are just "another one". For me, the next one will be available, attentive, assertive, and truly compatible. I'm not in a very compromising mood, can you tell? lol

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Good for you there, Ump!

 

and to further this, I think that concepts like 'the one' IMO can get us into trouble...we can get complacent and project too much...don't get me wrong: we ALL do it...i'm just trying to be more freeing in my approach next time...it's tough though ...i guess however that either they or us will no longer be 'the one' when one of our arses gets kicked to the curb, LOL.

 

I'm in a slightly better mood tonight after being choked at ex not sending me even a simple bd ext message (the b1tch!) LOL

 

As the umpire once said, "It's nothing until I call it." Nobody can be "the one" unless I chose them to be "the one". Before then they are just "another one". For me, the next one will be available, attentive, assertive, and truly compatible. I'm not in a very compromising mood, can you tell? lol
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good for you there, Ump!

 

and to further this, I mean that 'the one' I think gets us into trouble...we can get complacent and project too much...don't get me wrong: we ALL do it...i'm just trying to be more freeing in my approach next time...it's tough though...i guess however that either they or us will no longer be 'the one' when one of our arses gets kicked to the curb, LOL.

 

I'm in a slightly better mood tonight after being choked at ex not sending me even a simple bd ext message (the b1tch!) LOL

 

When your ex became your ex all expectations on her ceased to exist. Yes you are still a person, yes you still have birthdays, and no it's not on her to contact you to wish you happy ones any more.

 

btw, happy belated birthday!

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That's a really tough...but good question!

 

I think I will take it more seriously by thinking before I speak. My ex and I got to a point where we were so open with each other that I think we'd just say whatever emotion came up at the time without giving it time to process. My ex would get alarmed and think something serious was going on when I was just expressing a passing emotion. I will save that kind of talk for girlfriends (or ENA ;]) and only talk serious talk when it's been thought out better.

 

I will take my next relationship LESS seriously by having more of a life outside the relationship. I won't expect bells and whistles or cry over spilled milk. When I have major problems, I'll find places to go to solve those problems like therapy, friends, or on here. I won't stop communicating but I will just be wiser about what I expect my partner to deal with. I will, likewise, not take on all my partner's responsibilities either. We will spend more time having fun together and less time arguing over misuderstandings.

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I plan to be less flippant on the next relationship, because I'll now cherish the person in ways I wouldn't have before. Because before I just took the next one who came along, and now I haven't been doing that, which means a lot more time being divorced aka single, but it's been for the best. I've grown, matured, and believe very strongly I'll be more appreciative of the next person.

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I hear you and appreciate that.

 

What I mean is that even if you give a 'new and improved' you...what happens if it still goes toes up eventually down the road due to whatever happens (timing, change in what someone wants etc)?.. more and more I'm coming to realize just how important is a strong sense of self (and self love) and from there can flow more honesty, courage and openness.

 

maybe this is what i'm getting at: 'tis not so much taking it more serious or less serious (though that perspective theme is something that does make sense in the larger network of our lives) but also the more fulfilled and 'whole' we are as people going into a relationship too....so if if does bust up we're not so fried because we are not so entangled as per having our dentity and validation come from them.

 

maybe I should have thought out my thread a bit more...sorry...but now it's coming together a bit better thanks to your kind replies.

 

so maybe it's by having a stronger more balanced and fuller sense of self confidence that we can know when to be both more serious and also less serious...if it goes places and has some distance then great...if it doesn't while feeling so crappy we won't perhaps feel as devastated because we were acting out of a better place. of self....hmmmm.....

 

i think this leads to being not only more honest in what we need/want but also in facing our fears and owning up to them too and not expecting a relationship to 'fix them' for us.

 

 

I plan to be less flippant on the next relationship, because I'll now cherish the person in ways I wouldn't have before. Because before I just took the next one who came along, and now I haven't been doing that, which means a lot more time being divorced aka single, but it's been for the best. I've grown, matured, and believe very strongly I'll be more appreciative of the next person.
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I had dozens of bf's, but only in love once and I took it very seriously, probably to seriously...I am not sure in my next relationship how I will be, but I will not neglect, treat him bad, nor love him less than my ex...I will love and treat him better, because he doesn't deserve to get anything less than my top performance and love just because someone didn't appreciate the great woman I am...my ex's loss and another man's gain. I know there is a possible timeline...that is the part that really stinks, because you invest your life with someone and for it to fail makes me feel like crap....I don't like wasting my life and my time.

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there are a lot of things i will change next time.

 

Most particularly, i need to establish and stick to my own boundaries. I can't keep giving myself up in relationships. Having boundaries comes from healthy self esteem and knowing what you want and not being afraid to ask for what you want. I need to work on that self esteem and develop better boundaries in all aspects of my life and relationships.

 

Next time i will also focus on living the relationship in the moment. No more projection into the future or using the past to predict future behaviour. The present is the only thing we can control and i need to stop playing the relationship in my head by analysing the future too much. It causes anxiety, doubts and ultimately sabotage.

 

Further, i also need to stop trying to control outcomes........just let go of the need to have a destination and perfect outcome in my head. This comes form fear, fear of failure and fear of taking risks. I need to be prepared to risk more and open up more and not be afraid to show who i really am. Fear of self disclosure keeps our walls up and our ego inflated or deflated.

 

They are the key area's i want to focus on in my work to change my behaviour and negative thought pattern

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Woman Writer:

 

I think I will take it more seriously by thinking before I speak. My ex and I got to a point where we were so open with each other that I think we'd just say whatever emotion came up at the time without giving it time to process. My ex would get alarmed and think something serious was going on when I was just expressing a passing emotion. I will save that kind of talk for girlfriends (or ENA ;]) and only talk serious talk when it's been thought out better.

 

I will take my next relationship LESS seriously by having more of a life outside the relationship. I won't expect bells and whistles or cry over spilled milk. When I have major problems, I'll find places to go to solve those problems like therapy, friends, or on here. I won't stop communicating but I will just be wiser about what I expect my partner to deal with. I will, likewise, not take on all my partner's responsibilities either. We will spend more time having fun together and less time arguing over misuderstandings.

 

YOU sounds alot like my ex...and ALL of these things you just listed as improvements are the REASONS we failed...too much drama, off the cuff emotional responses instead of thinking them through, etc...

 

I think that goes with your age my dear, and that is not a character flaw...at all! that's just the maturity issue...it will take you time to figure out these things that you've done wrong so not to do them again...but yes, these are things that if you work on...you'll be great!!!!!!!!!!!

 

...just wish you could email my ex and tell her to do the same, lol, because if i said them to her...i'd get the 'whatever', roll of the eyes, and have my argument/viewpoint dismissed with 'well, that's how i feel, so too bad!!!'...

 

ahh, youth...

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Not taking things for granted, greater communication, development of REAL intimacy, continued development of trust and openness, less dependency, greater personal boundaries, less enmeshment in the other person - these are the most important aspects I will focus on next time around... but I do agree ladybug726 in that I will not ignore the red flags in the early stages next time and listen more to my intuition about a person and why we might not be a good fit for each other - i.e., not developing and staying in a relationship for the mere sake of being in one.

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I would take the relationship more seriously, in that I would plan with my partner to make time to be together and do things for pleasure on a regular basis, to NOT let work crowd it out. I would take less seriously my partner's opinions about my friends, my interests, and my work, in that I would not edit my self to avoid judgement. (In fact, I will do this in all relationships: not worry about other's judgements of me. )

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At this moment I really don't know what to do with my next relationship...still don't have the courage to take the gamble. But if I ever have one I'll keep my eyes wide open about each step of the progress. As soon as red flags arise I need to cautiously deal with them instead of letting them slip away. I would be more cautious and protective of myself, not about serious or less.

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