Is it ok to ask someone how many people they have been with?

[Sparkly Eyes]

i think it's okay.

 

i mean, i still believe that you sleep with every person that they have slept with.

 

so if you're going to sleep with them, you're allowed to know where they've been. an STD test will tell you if they're clean, but it won't tell you everything...

 

to me there's a difference between a nice guy who has had 4 partners, and a nice guy who has had 26 partners.

 

i dunno, i guess to me it's a piece of info that's important if you wanna make an informed decision about getting physical with them.

 

I totally agree with it. "it is none of your business" crap is BS. offcourse it is your business ! maybe I dont want to be the number 135 for a guy! maybe I don't want to have sex with that type of guy. I have the right to choose for myself and if it is something that are in my criterion then I have the right to know that to be able to decide. If he does not want to give me any info of his sexual behavior well I guess I leave him!

[shikashika]

I totally agree with it. "it is none of your business" crap is BS. offcourse it is your business ! maybe I dont want to be the number 135 for a guy! maybe I don't want to have sex with that type of guy. I have the right to choose for myself and if it is something that are in my criterion then I have the right to know that to be able to decide. If he does not want to give me any info of his sexual behavior well I guess I leave him!

 

Are you serious?? You would leave a guy if he did not answer your question about how many people he's been with? Even if he is the most loveable, kind hearted funny attractive man you have ever been with? You would write him off let's just say (for example) you said no higher than 30 and he had been with 32 women?

 

I still don't understand how it's his business? His past partners have nothing to do with you.

 

 

What if, for example, you met a guy who, for him, it was really important to be with someone who was smart. You are smart. But, what if you failed a math test in junior high and then this guy said, "Sorry, I can't date anyone who ever failed a math test, even if we get along great and you are smart now. That tells me a lot about the person you used to be"

 

That's how I see people changing their minds over dating someone when they ask questions about how many partners they've been with.

[waveseer]

Does anyone else take sort of a grim satisfaction that they are in someone else's count and that person could be judged because I (or you) were the one that put them one partner beyond acceptable? lol

[shes2smart]

Does anyone else take sort of a grim satisfaction that they are in someone else's count and that person could be judged because I (or you) were the one that put them one partner beyond acceptable? lol

 

Hmmm, interesting.

 

I had sex with "joe" and that torpedoed his shot at dating "sue." If "joe" ended up being a jerk to me, I could see where there's a cold satisfaction in that.

 

Unfortunately, it's the kind of thing you probably will never find out about. Shame, really.

[waveseer]

Hmmm, interesting.

 

I had sex with "joe" and that torpedoed his shot at dating "sue." If "joe" ended up being a jerk to me, I could see where there's a cold satisfaction in that.

 

Unfortunately, it's the kind of thing you probably will never find out about. Shame, really.

 

lol, yeah that's what I meant. You know, about the numbers thing, I think we actually did "joe" a favor, don't you?

[kaydizzle]

I would and have asked. I never got a negative response.

But You must know that if it's a hight number guaranteed there not going to tell you the truth about how many people they've had sex with.

[Jd1983]

I have asked some of my ex's and my bf how many partners they have had in the past. I think it's just a curiosity thing though. I know, I know curiosity killed the cat. Although, I didn't like some of the answers I heard, I didn't hold it against them because it was the past.

[dreamwarrior]

I understand both sides...I know for STD reasons you may want to know...or just find a better question to ask when it comes to someones past...perhaps have you been tested, but to ask about how many ex's...man a person could write a novel on it then the relationship might turn sour...anyway if your future SO slept with xxxx amount of people how would he/she know who all they slept with and so on.

 

That is a very touchy sticky subject...I wouldn't go down that path...if I met a guy who was a virgin at my age...I might think he was some weirdo...it would scare me away....I want a man who has had enough experience to know what he wants in a woman so he don't feel the need to mess around...if he were a virgin I would be worried, because he will want to explore uncharted territory after a time.

[Sparkly Eyes]

yes, because why would he not answer my question??! What is he afraid of? me passing judgment on him and not want to be with him? Don't you think if the answer makes me not want to be with him I deserve to know it?

 

no I would not set a number and say more than this number and I would not be with the guy. But I think it is my right to know how this person thinks about sexuality and how does he act when it comes to it. Also I think promiscuous people are more likely to cheat or leave you... not to mention I hate to be one of the hundreds he has been with... that is just me tho. high numbers are instant turn off for me.

[Knotty]

I don't see how people in a LTR can not discuss their past. I mean if they are talking about what they were doing 4 years ago, wouldn't whoever their partner was at the time come up? The exact number isn't important, but knowing something about their past relationships tells you something about them. I like being able to be completely open with someone, and that means talking about everything, including past partners.

[shes2smart]

I understand both sides...I know for STD reasons you may want to know...or just find a better question to ask when it comes to someones past...perhaps have you been tested, but to ask about how many ex's...man a person could write a novel on it then the relationship might turn sour...anyway if your future SO slept with xxxx amount of people how would he/she know who all they slept with and so on.

 

If someone's concerned about the health status of a potential partner (and they should be...), there are other questions that can give you that information. The "number" question may not give you that answer at all.

 

On top of not realizing we were supposed to keep track, I also went through a "party girl" phase when I was in college. Lasted about 2 years and was part of a self-destructive cycle of depression, addiction and eating disorders. Because of that, I probably have a higher-than-average "number"....but I've never had an STD....and I've never gotten pregnant.

 

A friend of mine did not have a "party girl" phase and was more conservative when it came to sex. We were still in our 20's when she called me, in tears and close to hysterical, because she'd just been diagnosed with genital herpes.

 

A number (if I even had any idea what mine was) would also not tell you that I went to therapy and worked my ass off to change my self-destructive behaviors and that I haven't behaved in that way since. Seein' as how that phase was over 20 years ago at this point, I don't think it's likely I'm gonna have a relapse....

[scared and alone]

I asked (even though i dont know how honest he was lol) but really, it just made me sick enough knowing he did it with his ex. uck.

 

And also, i dont know, it was just kinda waying on me just cuz he's the only one i've ever been with and it would just got to me if he had slept with a lot. What annoyed me was he said 'an embarrassingly low number' um, I would like to think of that as a GOOD thing. ESPECIALLY if he claims he didn't like the one night stand thing.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I agree with what's been said. It is a slippery slope, and you have to be able to handle the answer. But I also agree that this information can be somewhat telling about who the person is and if the two of you are somewhat on the same page as far as life styles and goals.

 

And yes, this query should certainly include the length of each relationship attached to the number. I think there's a basic incongruity between a person with 6 (LTR) people on their list and someone with 30 on their list - especially if they were nearly all ONS. Unless the person with 6 was very secure, they would always be wondering why they didn't have more partners, or if they were satisfying the more experienced partner in bed, etc. Not good things to have rattling around in your head. And, where is the 30 person really headed in their life? They may "say" they want a LTR, but their past actions prove otherwise. Gives you something to think about.

 

I understand the thought that the past is the past and all that matters is who the person is now. I sometimes like to extrapolate questions like this towards an extreme, just to see where my ultimate answer would lean. I don't know if this exercise really works in this case. But think about this: how bad would it torque you if you found out after being married for five years that your wife worked in a brothel for a few years when she was younger? Sure, she may be a wonderful person now, but...Yikes!

 

My guess, based on my past experience, is that someone usually asks around the two month mark. And the response is always conditional on hearing the other person's answer as well. But even then, I think this disclosure is probably the biggest lie most young couples ever tell each other. Sheesh.

[shes2smart]

My guess, based on my past experience, is that someone usually asks around the two month mark. And the response is always conditional on hearing the other person's answer as well. But even then, I think this disclosure is probably the biggest lie most young couples ever tell each other. Sheesh.

 

So, the response is conditional....and I gather from some other replies that there's a belief that those with a high number might tend to "round down" to appease the person asking.

 

Asking a question that you're not prone to believe the answer to anyway seems like a waste of time to me.

[shikashika]

yes, because why would he not answer my question??! What is he afraid of? me passing judgment on him and not want to be with him? Don't you think if the answer makes me not want to be with him I deserve to know it?

 

no I would not set a number and say more than this number and I would not be with the guy. But I think it is my right to know how this person thinks about sexuality and how does he act when it comes to it. Also I think promiscuous people are more likely to cheat or leave you... not to mention I hate to be one of the hundreds he has been with... that is just me tho. high numbers are instant turn off for me.

 

 

No, as I said early, I do not think it is your 'right' to know. I would never want to be with someone who 'demanded' such a thing out of me. Luckily i have never met someone like that, but if I met someone that 'demanded' to know such a thing, he'd be out in no time. There are plenty of people to date that don't care about such a thing.

 

i would also think is someone thought it was their 'right' to know about that, i would wonder what else they thought it was their 'right' to know.

[WomanWriter]

It's a given for me (to ask). it is MY life so of course it is MY business! I have a right to know that information because it AFFECTS ME and MY HEALTH and also my beliefs. If they don't want to tell me, they aren't the kind of person I want to be with anyway.

 

I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't shoot straight about their past relationships. That's part of what intimacy and honesty mean to me. I mean, I don't have to know every detail of each sex encounter but I do want to know what they've done and how many relationships they've had. I don't want a partner who has had a lot of random encounters. Sure, they could lie, but that's why I like to get to know people well before even starting a relationship with them...by then, I will be able to decide if this a person I can spend a lot of my time with.

[WomanWriter]

I don't see how people in a LTR can not discuss their past. I mean if they are talking about what they were doing 4 years ago, wouldn't whoever their partner was at the time come up? The exact number isn't important, but knowing something about their past relationships tells you something about them. I like being able to be completely open with someone, and that means talking about everything, including past partners.

 

I'm glad to know that there are men out there who feel the same as I do. I feel exactly the same. I expect honesty and openess. How can others NOT share these things?

[WomanWriter]

No, as I said early, I do not think it is your 'right' to know. I would never want to be with someone who 'demanded' such a thing out of me. Luckily i have never met someone like that, but if I met someone that 'demanded' to know such a thing, he'd be out in no time. There are plenty of people to date that don't care about such a thing.

 

i would also think is someone thought it was their 'right' to know about that, i would wonder what else they thought it was their 'right' to know.

 

It's not their "right" to know?! What do you think a "relationship" is (no offense)?

 

Of course it is their right to know because they have a right to reject me if they don't like the number of people I've been with.

 

Besides, I couldn't keep that info. a secret. Don't you share personal things with someone you love? I like to be best friends with my partner so it's a given that it would come up. You don't hide your past from someone you want to get to know, do you?

 

I guess people just have different beliefs. Ask if you want, don't ask if you don't want. But don't listen to anyone else. Go off your OWN beliefs. I would not compromise.

[shes2smart]

I had a flash of insight about this. I don't think it's that people really want to know a number just for the sake of knowing a number.

 

What they want to know is -

 

"Am I going to be safe with you? (either in terms of actual diseases or emotionally)"

"Are you going to cheat on me or are you going to be faithful?"

"Do we have the same values and morals?"

"Do we place the same importance/value on sexual fidelity?"

"Are you a reliable, trustworthy person?"

 

But asking those questions directly doesn't really come accross right...and I'm sure we all know how easily words can lie - it's people's actions over time that show the REAL answers to most of those questions. So, to make ourselves feel better, we somehow think if a person has a low or appropriate number, it will ensure all of those other things. It's a false sense of security at best.

 

What if someone only had two sexual partners, but because of the way life played out, they started having sex with partner #2 while still with partner #1? A number alone would not tell you that. I also can't help but think there's some comparison/fear of comparison that goes on. "Maybe I won't be as good as the 3rd person s/he had sex with" or "Maybe I won't be as 'special' as his/her 6th partner"

[Night Pumpkin]

Life would be a lot easier if people just did have sex with other people until they are married. Masturbate if you have to, but stay away from sex with others. Makes things a LOT less complicated.

[shikashika]

It's not their "right" to know?! What do you think a "relationship" is (no offense)?

 

Of course it is their right to know because they have a right to reject me if they don't like the number of people I've been with.

 

Besides, I couldn't keep that info. a secret. Don't you share personal things with someone you love? I like to be best friends with my partner so it's a given that it would come up. You don't hide your past from someone you want to get to know, do you?

 

I guess people just have different beliefs. Ask if you want, don't ask if you don't want. But don't listen to anyone else. Go off your OWN beliefs. I would not compromise.

 

 

no no offence.. however I don't see what this has to do with me knowing what a relationship is? just because you are in a relationship does not mean it is your 'right' to know absolutely everything abotu your partner's past. It bothers me that instead of just wanting to know about a person, people on this thread have demanded it as their 'right'. I think that is rude and controlling.

 

No guy has ever asked me how many people I've been with.

 

And, I find that the people who want to know, only want to know that their parter has been with fewer than x amount of people.

 

Of course i share personal things with a partner, but i don't see who i bonked in the past as a personal thing my partner would even want to know about.

 

Do you really want to think about your partner having sex with all these people? most people don't, that's why they don't ask!

[shikashika]

I'm glad to know that there are men out there who feel the same as I do. I feel exactly the same. I expect honesty and openess. How can others NOT share these things?

 

I share things that i think are important. How many people my guy has slept with is not important.

[anggrace]

i think it's okay.

 

i mean, i still believe that you sleep with every person that they have slept with.

 

so if you're going to sleep with them, you're allowed to know where they've been. an STD test will tell you if they're clean, but it won't tell you everything...

 

to me there's a difference between a nice guy who has had 4 partners, and a nice guy who has had 26 partners.

 

i dunno, i guess to me it's a piece of info that's important if you wanna make an informed decision about getting physical with them.

 

I agree that, in a way, when you sleep with someone "you sleep with every person that they have slept with." But if you're implying you could catch something, than all you need is an std test. Asking how many people they've slept with, or even who, isn't going to tell you if they have an std.

 

I don't care to know. His sexual past has nothing to do with me at all and mine has nothing to do with him. It's useless information and has a potential to upset someone... if the numbers are much different.

[Sparkly Eyes]

No, as I said early, I do not think it is your 'right' to know. I would never want to be with someone who 'demanded' such a thing out of me. Luckily i have never met someone like that, but if I met someone that 'demanded' to know such a thing, he'd be out in no time. There are plenty of people to date that don't care about such a thing.

 

i would also think is someone thought it was their 'right' to know about that, i would wonder what else they thought it was their 'right' to know.

 

WHAT???!!! I don't have any right to know how the person I wanna sleep with views sexuality??!!! it might be demanding to ask the exact number, but it is SO OBVIOUSLY my 'right' to know how his sexual behavior is generally. Maybe you don't care if the guy you are sleeping with has had 5 other girls the same day. I do, sorry..

[shikashika]

WHAT???!!! I don't have any right to know how the person I wanna sleep with views sexuality??!!! it might be demanding to ask the exact number, but it is SO OBVIOUSLY my 'right' to know how his sexual behavior is generally. Maybe you don't care if the guy you are sleeping with has had 5 other girls the same day. I do, sorry..

 

 

Who said anything about viewing sexuality?

 

 

We are talking about PAST partners.... which has nothing to do with cheating on you with 5 other girls while in a relationship.