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Is it ok to ask someone how many people they have been with?


heartbroken9
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I was having a conversation with my friends and they said you shouldnt ask that anymore with someone your interested in or dating. That its a "given" that they the other person has been with someone....well DUH but i mean it still makes me curious how many people they've been with. I mean regardless of how many people they've been with, if i really like them..than it wouldnt matter..but like i said..just out of curiosity i would ask. Is that something that shouldnt be brought up?

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i think it's okay.

 

i mean, i still believe that you sleep with every person that they have slept with.

 

so if you're going to sleep with them, you're allowed to know where they've been. an STD test will tell you if they're clean, but it won't tell you everything...

 

to me there's a difference between a nice guy who has had 4 partners, and a nice guy who has had 26 partners.

 

i dunno, i guess to me it's a piece of info that's important if you wanna make an informed decision about getting physical with them.

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i think it's okay.

 

i mean, i still believe that you sleep with every person that they have slept with.

 

so if you're going to sleep with them, you're allowed to know where they've been. an STD test will tell you if they're clean, but it won't tell you everything...

 

to me there's a difference between a nice guy who has had 4 partners, and a nice guy who has had 26 partners.

 

i dunno, i guess to me it's a piece of info that's important if you wanna make an informed decision about getting physical with them.

 

Thank you! thats exactly how i think too...but my friends made me feel retarded for being curious..like thats a big no no or something.

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i think it's okay.

 

i mean, i still believe that you sleep with every person that they have slept with.

 

so if you're going to sleep with them, you're allowed to know where they've been. an STD test will tell you if they're clean, but it won't tell you everything...

 

to me there's a difference between a nice guy who has had 4 partners, and a nice guy who has had 26 partners.

 

i dunno, i guess to me it's a piece of info that's important if you wanna make an informed decision about getting physical with them.

 

I can see how this could be an exception. For me, at least, not so much the number, but the nature of the encounters would tell me something about the person. If it's a girl who had sex with 10 guys that she was in LTR's with, it's a lot different to me than a girl who had sex with 2 guys she was in LTR's with and the other 8 were one-night stands that occurred in the last year. It's hard to respect a girl that has no respect for her own body and will just give it up to a guy she just met. I wouldn't do that myself, and I'd like to think I was with a girl who shared similar values.

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I can see how this could be an exception. For me, at least, not so much the number, but the nature of the encounters would tell me something about the person. If it's a girl who had sex with 10 guys that she was in LTR's with, it's a lot different to me than a girl who had sex with 2 guys she was in LTR's with and the other 8 were one-night stands that occurred in the last year. It's hard to respect a girl that has no respect for her own body and will just give it up to a guy she just met.

 

agreed. draws the line between serious and playtime.

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I think it's an appropriate question if you're trying to create something serious with them. People most of the time mask the question because they're ashamed of having high numbers. And to everybody "high numbers" is different. But I would prefer a woman who has somewhat preserved herself over the years, not just jumping from guy to guy and relationship to relationship. It says something about a person who has had more intimate encounters than actual solid relationships.

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People think they can handle the answer to this question, but not everyone can.

 

There've been enough threads posted here by people who thought they could handle the answer and found out the hard way they couldn't.

 

Personally, it's not something that ever crossed my mind to ask. I didn't get the memo that we were supposed to keep track, so I didn't. I'm not interested/concerned enough to know my own 'number'....let alone have enough interest to ask someone else's......

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i agree! i've heard that before - when a poster comes on here saying he wanted to know how many men his gf has been with, and then her answer eats away at him or months or even years!!! even if the number was as low as 1 or 2!!!

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I've never met anyone over 30 who asks (or answers) this question.

 

LOL...that's because after a certain age, you realize the appropriate question is not "Does s/he have baggage?" but rather "How much baggage?" and "Does it kinda match mine?"

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I don't think this is ever OK!

 

In my first relationship, I asked the guy.. and it was completely stupid of me to ask. Even though he hadn't been with that many people, I kept thinking, "was this 2 weeks before me" "was she like this or like that?"

 

That was the only time i ever did it. I've talked about this sort of thing with some of my friends.

 

people say they don't care, then why ask?

 

And, if you find out someone's done something that would change your opinion of them, why ask in the first place?

 

My friend asked her boyfriend once if he had ever paid for sex, and he said no, but when he was 19 he got a blowjob at a bachelor party by a stripper. my friend completely flipped? What was the point? Why ask? Why ruin a great relationship ( they were together for 5 years and it was something he did 15 years ago.. once!)

 

Also, people who are quick to judge things like that must also accept that if their partner finds out something about them that THEY don't like, no matter how trivial it may be, then they have to be prepared for that.

 

Another example... my friend who asked the above question.. her boyfriend asked her if she had ever tried any hard drugs.. she did ONCE, 10 years ago, a quick sniff at a party..and he completely flipped on her.

 

This is why you should never ask unless you are prepared for ANY answer.

 

it's not like my friend's boyfriend has ever paid for sex, nor has my friend even had ny drugs since.... so why ruin a 5 year relationship over something each of them did once when they were teenagers??

 

So yeah, back to the question, no, don't ask.. because the only people who say they don't care... won't ask!!!

 

If you ask, you clearly care!

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i agree that people shouldn't ask if they dont want the answer, but my point is, shouldnt someone be allowed to make that choice? i mean, really...if your friends boyfriend broke up with her because she tried drugs, that's his right. he's allowed to disapprove of that. don't you think people have the right to choose?

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I think its okay to ask.. I mean I think I've asked every time. I always like to know how many people I'm really actually sleeping with, you know?

 

 

I don't understand why people think that if you sleep with one person you are sleeping with all their past partners???

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of course, i agree if there is a dealbreaker. i'm just thinking of a poster who has an otherwise great relationship but once they find out their partner's "number" they can't stop obsessing over it.

 

annie, i agree here that a number shouldn't be something to obsess over. but if a mature person can handle it, it's their adult right to choose whether it's something they want to know about the person they give their body to. i was more referring to the blowjobs and drugs. lol

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i agree that people shouldn't ask if they dont want the answer, but my point is, shouldnt someone be allowed to make that choice? i mean, really...if your friends boyfriend broke up with her because she tried drugs, that's his right. he's allowed to disapprove of that. don't you think people have the right to choose?

 

They didn't break up.

 

Of course he's allowed to disapprove, I think it's pretty pathetic though.

 

My point was that they both got into stupid arguments by asking questions that they couldn't deal with.

 

Why ask if you can't deal with both a "yes" or "no" answer?

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annie, i agree here that a number shouldn't be something to obsess over. but if a mature person can handle it, it's their adult right to choose whether it's something they want to know about the person they give their body to. i was more referring to the blowjobs and drugs. lol

 

 

I guess I find it quite controlling that they feel that it's their 'right' to know and sad that they would find someone loyal, kind, passionate etc, but find out they did a line of coke once 10 years ago, or got a blowjob, then it's all over????

 

I think that the people who are asking have to be insecure, no one is ever just out of curiosity.

 

I also can then see why some people would care as they think about sex as 'giving their body' to someone. I have never and don't think of that at all. I think of doing something with someone, but not giving any part of me to someone.

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