Jump to content

no birthday greeting from ex: guess it says alot eh.


Recommended Posts

Admittedly this non acknowledgement is a double edged sword just as the opposite action would be too.

 

So much for her wanting us to be friends as per her email to me back in Feb. Then add to that our chance meeting almost 1 month ago (first time in 7 months seeing one another since our Sept bustup) in which she wanted me to join her for a walk and a coffee but I declined (I remember she looked disappointed but I was on my way to yoga.)

 

My friends thought my response appropriate in being both respectful but also not doing what she wanted ...maybe she felt rejected again however?

 

But overall I was very polite and gave her a few big hugs...finished with me saying "I'm sure down the road we can hangout" to which she replied "I'd like that" and then we parted ways.

 

Now with no email no card no voicemail (if "expecting" anything it would have been an email given its quick cheap and somewhat impersonal.

Especially since she is in Ireland with her daughter.)

 

Maybe I'm jumping the gun but then again who knows?...it does sting I must admit and makes me want to close the door entirely.

 

Or am I being too "ego and pride" driven ?

Thoughts ?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i wouldn't read too much into it. There is a lot of guilt after break-ups and 'normal' communication is difficult. No one wants to give the other partner the false impression, so both partners tend to tread the path of 'say and do nothing' when in doubt.I am sure she is thinking of you on your birthday.........it is our ego and pride that gets in the way of us thinking this and wanting 'proof'.

 

Happy birthday by the way

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess the question would be... Why were you hoping for a birthday wish from her? Perhaps she isn't over it all yet. Maybe as part of her healing she felt it might put her back. Perhaps she was hoping to rekindle the day you were off to yoga and she got the answer she might not have been looking for. Maybe she feels that since it's over she doesn't have to worry about that anymore. It could be anything.

 

I didn't get one from my ex last year, but that wasn't an issue. I sent one this year, only because it said something to me. I didn't get a response, but I didn't care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with both posters above - they covered it pretty well. I wouldn't read too much into it. Maybe she doesn't want to give the wrong impression, such as give you hope that things can be rekindled etc. People think and react differently in these situations.

 

It sounds like you are hoping for more in general. Accept that it's not going to happen, with or without a card.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Based on what I explained I guess ...it is a touchy gray zone isn't it?

 

But her inaction does also sort of make me not want to have even a friendship either... even if such was just a hypothetical...make any sense?

 

Maybe it all is still too early only being 8 months later.

 

^^What I was gonna say.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

But her inaction does also sort of not want to have any friendship either even if such was just a hypothetical...make any sense?

 

you don't know that though.

 

It is still fresh and it can take a long time before a true friendship can be work. When all of the awkward feelings are gone, there is no reason a friendship cannot take place. It took me 9-12 months of NC before i could contact my ex of 6 years ago. once all the pain and ambivalence subsided we became great friends and are still great friends to this day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Based on what I explained I guess ...it is a touchy gray zone isn't it?

 

But her inaction does also sort of make me not want to have even a friendship either... even if such was just a hypothetical...make any sense?

 

Maybe it all is still too early only being 8 months later.

 

Honestly, friendship with an ex only works out if you can be pretty selfless about it. Otherwise, you really are setting yourself up for disappointment.

My ex and I are still friends, but I'm perfectly aware that it may not always be this way. She may decide that she doesn't need me as a friend anymore. Those are things you need to be ok with if you want to stay friends with your ex.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maybe I'm jumping the gun but then again who knows?...it does sting I must admit and makes me want to close the door entirely.

 

Or am I being too "ego and pride" driven ?

Thoughts ?

 

I wanted to mention it in a separate thread but in many cases when women come up with the idea of staying in touch, being friends or even reconciliation they don't actually mean it. Look through the forum - how many situations when she comes back, finds out that you are ready to get back and disappear - this time forever. If woman wants to get back with you...you would definitely know I have a friend who lives a life like this for 3 years - she appears with a period of 6 months, finds out that he still has feelings and gone again. If you want to keep hoping - it is up to you. But how long do you want to wait? And by the way - happy birthday.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And of course I also realize that im not totally over her yet... I have ambiguous feelings too ie in just wanting to be friends ...even if down the road she wanted to try again I'm unsure I would.

 

I mean we did have a lot of great times and I do feel we could have worked through alot of our issues despite what she wrote in Feb (she "never loved me" and that we were too different.)

 

But I realize too the reason I didn't pursue her afterword we broke up (she always told me she wanted to be pursued) was due to some of the frustrating issues that made me emotionally retreat ie her daughter and boundary issues of respect...or her emotional inexpressiveness...or her moodiness ...or how I could feel alone and unloved even when with her etc among other "stuff"

(NOTE TO SELF: wow! Keep these things in mind when missing her and move on!).

 

One part of me says we are not quite "done" yet...I'm not sure if being "done " is in the form of some kind of reconcillation down the road to try to work things out (round 2) and from that to realize we ARE indeed done....or just to talk things out and finally have real closure and relate on some other level.

 

Maybe I'm delusional cause for 5 years before her I was dating a lot but found no real compatibility...then she came along as a bit of a fluke ....

 

Regardless I do hope after the summer to start dating again as I know that there are a ton of great women out there too...just the friggin ritual despite being fun is so time consuming in having to start all over again.

 

(Back to "us"....Don't you just hate these types of relationships in which there were so many good things but some other things jammed up the works?

 

Navigating lifes gray zones requires finesse...something I suck at lol. I admire those of you who can.)

 

But for now it is what it is and I'm trying my best to continue to grow from it as per all my wordy threads and move to a better place of being.

 

I am truly profitting from this experience as painful as it has been.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Happy Birthday!!!

 

Last year my ex didn't even greet me on my Bday (Sept; broke up in Aug). I was anticipating and highly expecting something from him and poof nothing. I got really really hurt. And so I did the same thing for his bday (Feb). Since he claims he knows me too well, I think he was expecting something from me like an email, text, etc but I didn't. I just kept going with NC and not looking back. I know it hurts but I can assure you your ex didn't forget your bday. It's a touchy issue.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Canali, Happy Birthday (even though I'm a bit late).

 

Don't dwell too much on her not sending a message; you knew it was a possibility. It doesn't mean anything more than if she had sent you a message. The reality of the situation is the way things are now, not how you wish it might be or worrying about what she is or isn't thinking, and you just have to continue on with living your life. You're doing great in your recovery, and you are learning/growing for you, no one else. Keep on the path, it will lead you to new, happy, and fulfilling times, I have no doubt.

 

All the best.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Canali, it is just one of those situations whether neither party knows what to think or what to do. Maybe she doesn't want to give you a false impression or maybe she was hurt when you said no to her invitation for a coffee. Maybe she didn't know what to do. I'm sure the decision to NOT send you a card didn't come lightly. She will be thinking of you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

canali,

 

Keep in mind, it is still the first year of being apart, and she is healing also. Maybe she planned the timing of this trip as a distraction? I'm sorry I can't remember the your details, who is the dumpee and if NC was established and how.

 

My own behavior may shed some light on hers, or not. My husband left in Dec. (in that he stopped coming home the 2 nights/week that had become the norm), but wanted to stay friends, was already in the friends mode, calling 2x a day to chat, getting together for hiking or dinner, but planning life w/o me. Several times I thought I needed NC but went back and forth on it. Finally, in early April I called for NC (or a break, as I called it) and he understood. Two days later was his birthday. I thought about him all day, of course, but for my own healing I did not call. To call would have been to re-establish hope on my part that we were still "us", and I did not want the painful confusion again. He's not big on birthdays anyway, so it was not an intentional hurt on my part, although it hurt me not to connect with him in some way. (April has been my hardest month, deepest stage of grief so far. Before that I think I was in shock.)

 

I need to make extra effort to plan special activities, totally independent of him, for holidays, birthdays, our next anniversary (our 30th, if we aren't divorced by then), in order to heal. I know I need this, I have to disengage before I can come back together as friends. It is not a straight smooth road, but I am fairly certain friendship is in our future.

 

I hope this helps, maybe give some possible perspective to her behavior.

 

I hope you had very special moments on your day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My ex sent me an email on my birthday after 4 months NC (she dumped me). It sent me into a quandary that I don't feel I've ever quite been comfortable with (this was nearly 2 years ago now). I didn't reply, but have ever after wondered if I should have done and if then we'd now have a bit of civil contact, and in some ways that would feel more "normal" and as though the relationship was over, than this cold silence from my end.

 

So although it might have hurt you, the alternative isn't much better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...