Is it a deal breaker when your gf is uncomfortable with your family?

[Iwantittoend]

I was just talking to my girlfriend and she said that she loves me and wants to be with me forever, but they say that when you get married you also marry the family. She says that in the months we've been together that her feeling of being uncomfortable with my family has only grown worse. She can never see herself ever being loose with them.

 

Is this a deal breaker?

[Circe]

That depends on:

 

> Whether you think there's been enough time for her to really know that it gets more uncomfortable with time. Is that really a trend likely to continue?

 

> Whether there is something your family is consciously doing to make her uncomfortable; and

 

> How important your relationship with your family is to you.

 

Can you elaborate on those things?

[hers]

She's not comfortable with anything. Until she gets herself help, you will continue to have these issues and drama and constant need to reassure her of herself.

[dreamwarrior]

Your family is your family, you are a part of them and they will be with you always...gf's come and go..as they say blood is thicker than water! If she cannot get along with your family perhaps she should spend time getting to know them better.

 

I would never trade my mother she is my best friend and there is nothing or nobody more important than her! I have always loved my mother more than anyone and that will never change.

[DN]

You seem to have an unending litany of problems caused by your girlfriend - is she really worth all of this?

[Sparchitecht]

All depends on how much time you want to spend around your family long-term. My best friend (who's almost 50 years old, btw) intentionally picked up and moved himself and his wife when they were my age half-way accross the country because they had to get away from -amongst housing and political climate issues- his wife's dysfunctional parents and self-destructive brothers.

 

I wouldn't exactly be peachy with it if my SO wasn't at ease around my fam., but unless there were other issues with our relationship I cannot fathom how that would be a deal-breaker. Your SO is supposed to be your emotional Siamese twin; you're supposed to become "partners in crime" and join into this unified whole - at least as far as ideology is concerned. How that should all be thrown away because she/he can't stand your family [wacky, tense, creepy, backwards, whatever] isn't something I can justify; nor try to. If you plan on seeing and hanging around with your family on a daily basis for the rest of your life, yes, it's an issue, but so is the fact that you're not moving independently into your own life and your own family.

 

That last line isn't totally true, especially not for some cultures whom go above and beyond the concept of the nuclear family. However, in the spirit of the 21st-century's politically-correct climate regarding intercultural opinions, I'm going to zip it.

[dreamwarrior]

My mother is a wonderful person and never would stand in the way of any of my relationships...she has always allowed me the freedom to pick my paths and never interfered in any of my decisions. If I am happy then she is happy...and if not I can hide out at her house....hehehe...well that was when I was in my 20's...lol

[COtuner]

Nah, neither my ex nor I gave a damn if we got along with the families. Of course it helps that both of us can't stand our families. So not such a good example, I guess.

 

I have never been close to family, so I don't really understand why this would be an issue. As long as you get time with the family if you're close, why does the SO have to be there all the time too?

[Iwantittoend]

That depends on:

 

> Whether you think there's been enough time for her to really know that it gets more uncomfortable with time. Is that really a trend likely to continue?

 

> Whether there is something your family is consciously doing to make her uncomfortable; and

 

> How important your relationship with your family is to you.

 

Can you elaborate on those things?

 

- She's never really sat down and gotten to know them. She's only ever been around them in passing or for very short periods of time.

 

- They don't really say much to her, which she says makes it feel like she's unwelcome in our house.

 

- Very important. My family has always been close.

 

 

You seem to have an unending litany of problems caused by your girlfriend - is she really worth all of this?

 

I'm not really sure. Whenever something bad comes up her good side seems to show up and make me want to stay again.