Going to end it soon.....

[WKnight]

Hi, I'm new here. I find it easier to talk about these things here with strangers then I do with people I know. People I know wouldn't suspect this kind of thing out of me.

 

So I'm going to go ahead and pour it out and maybe some of you can give me some advice. I'll say things here I wouldn't even tell my doctors.

 

My whole life I've had serious anxiety problems. I still usually got involved in things, but I never really wanted to. I was always shoved into them. For me staying at home away from the world has always been comfortable.

 

In my teenage years I experimented with drugs, alcohol, and so forth. This led to me taking a much more powerful and potent drug known as LSD. Most people talk about good feelings on this, I had what would be known as a "bad trip" After this incident I experienced panic attacks on a daily basis. If you are familiar with these you know how you can spin out of control.

 

I nearly ended it then, but eventually got help with drugs. The drugs have helped, but I don't ever really feel as stimulated or excited about anything anymore. And this is what's led to depression for me.

 

Right now I have a sizable amount of money, I would consider myself an attractive male with a good physique, but I just lost my job recently. It wasn't even a good job. It was crap. I've had girlfriends, but they never work out. I always end up feeling worse after breakups. I have plenty of friends and close relationships, but we're all in different situations in life.

 

I feel like I'm successful at anything I do, but I don't have the motivation or will to really do anything anymore. Everything to me has become uninteresting to me. I would say I'm pretty depressed of course I don't feel like there is any purpose to what we're doing or where we are going. Everything in our society is built around money and happiness. Well if you're not happy or you're not rich, then there's really no reason to be here.........nothing important is really being accomplished. There's nothing worse then feeling all this potential and absolutely nowhere to apply it. It's such a waste. So much is going to waste.

 

Most days I have trouble just getting out of bed and when I do I find myself lying in a warm bath for hours. I sleep like 12 hours now. I feel like the inevitable conclusion is to end it. There's really no reason to keep living anymore. When I go to sleep I pray that I won't wake up. I've begged for death.

 

I've wrestled with the idea of christianity and god for the last few weeks thinking maybe a religious purpose could be found. Some days I think there is a god and others I'm certain it's impossible. Needless to say I don't feel like the hand of god is going to descend from heaven and pull me out of this mess. So in reality I feel like God has absolutely nothing to do with us if I could just as easily end my life when I please, there really is no plan....

 

Anyhow, I'm sure some of you guys have felt similar. This is a pretty self-absorbed post, but when you feel this way you can understand why.

 

So what are your thoughts on this nightmare that is my life?

[Keyman]

Having been through deep depression, like many people, I can understand where you are at. But ending it isn't the answer. I know, pretty cliched, and it doesn't really mean anything. I could type until my figures fall off trying to convince you that it's not the best thing to do, I could call you names, I could say everything that I think might help, but do you know what... it doesn't really matter what I say to convince you not to do it. It's actually is a decision that you need to make for yourself... not ending it, that is...

 

For a start, we can all see the hand you have put up and the help that you are asking for. I tell you, it has taken strength for you to post this today, and I think that is the answer. I don't think you really want to do it, or else, why would you be telling us? Keep raising your hand, but have the expectation that you can actually help yourself. You asking for help, however hidden, is the first step. The next is to get yourself back out there, to have faith in yourself and to make your life mean something. We can't do it for you, we can only stand behind you are tell you that we know you can do it. But it's you who has to want to do it.

 

Life is what you make of it, it's not something that just falls in your lap. Beating depression is a decision you make. yes it's hard to get out of bed, yes it's hard to want to do anything constructive. But the world doesn't hate you, it is actually you that doesn't like you. The world is just the world, and will always be, it's what you feel about yourself that matters.

 

Suicide is the easy way out, but you are better than that, we are all better than that. Find a way. We can only be behind you, we can't make it happen. It's up to you...

[WKnight]

For a start, we can all see the hand you have put up and the help that you are asking for. I tell you, it has taken strength for you to post this today, and I think that is the answer. I don't think you really want to do it, or else, why would you be telling us?

 

Thanks for the reply. I really don't think anybody WANTS to commit suicide. To me it just makes sense giving my options, current situation, and future outlook. I haven't been happy in years, I'm not happy now, and I don't feel my future holds any happiness. Beyond being rich and happy I don't see anything else valued much here. I honestly think I could survive this way another 30 years, but it just seems pointless. I'd rather get out now. I'm not stuck in a complete state of depression all the time, more of a mild depression and purgatory.

 

I just felt like venting a little bit here. Seems like the appropriate place.

[SanSerif]

You know, you seem like a pretty smart person. You know yourself well enough to be able to disclose these feelings to yourself, and also to all of us. That alone is meritable.

 

Just some food for thought: I think everybody feels at some point like there is no reason to live. I can think back to about 4 nights ago when I was having some issues between me and another person where I said to myself, "Wow, is it even worth living if my life is going to be this way?" I didn't just drop that line. I really thought about it.

 

Getting up out of bed and doing every single little thing that you do every day is a choice. You make your own choices, and they have negative and positive repercussions. I'm sure this isn't news to you.

 

You can't control the world around you, but you can control You. That is the only real constant we have as conscious beings. Do with it what you will, but it is Your responsibility.

 

If none of this makes any difference, I really do feel for you and wish you the best. Life is a gift, even though a sh*tload of the time it doesn't feel that way, right? But it is. Can you honestly say that if you could go back to before you existed, you'd tell whomever was responsible to just call the whole thing off? Are your circumstances really that deplorable?

[WKnight]

 

If none of this makes any difference, I really do feel for you and wish you the best. Life is a gift, even though a sh*tload of the time it doesn't feel that way, right? But it is. Can you honestly say that if you could go back to before you existed, you'd tell whomever was responsible to just call the whole thing off? Are your circumstances really that deplorable?

 

To be perfectly honest I think I could do that if there was someone responsible. If I had prior knowledge of how my life was going to turn out then it would be an easy decision.

 

My situation is I just dont want to go through the next 40 years. I have a pretty good idea what it's going to be like and I'm willing to miss the rare and few pleasureable moments if it gets me out of being depressed, confused, and anxious the other 90% of the time.

[SanSerif]

Why sentence your future to the same fate as your past? The decision is yours as to how it goes, at least internally, within you. If you feel it impossible to make that willful effort, I suppose, yes, there are some drugs that could help you with that.

 

No one can predict the future. It's possible you might have underestimated the capacity for life to surprise you. You talk about waste; what a waste that would be. To say the rest of the story is just like how it started. Why not finish the book just for curiosity's sake? Or is your curiosity diminished? Use your imagination, my friend. It's not there just for * * * * s and giggles...it's there as well to get us through the hard times. And the good times are worth just as much as the hard. Don't throw it all away just because you think your future is set in stone.

 

Worst case scenario: you hit 70, your life is about to end, and you were right about being depressed your whole life and unhappy and yes, there were brief, glimmering moments of contentment along the way. At least you didn't waste the opportunity that something good could inherently come from your being alive. Large or small, some influence you had on someone that changed their life .. some truth you stumble upon at 4am when you least suspected it.

 

Nothing is set in stone. You can never say what will or will not happen. It was blind chance that any of us made it here. It was blind chance that I wrote this for you. It'll be blind chance from here on out, as it always has been. If for no other reason, think about this: You're going to be dead for a long time. What's the hurry? Good or bad, life is more exciting and in my opinion, more preferable than offing yourself. The best of luck to you.

[bulletproof]

I have felt the way you are feeling right now. I basically came out of the womb anxious, so to speak. I still struggle with anxiety and depression but things have gotten better.

 

You said drugs helped you out of this once. Are you still on them? Maybe it's time to change them up, or start them again if you stopped taking them.

 

What do you mean when you say that beyond being rich and happy, nothing else matters here? Do you mean here on this earth, or here in this country? If you mean America, then you're right to think that there is way too heavy an emphasis on money and also this idea of being happy every minute of the day. Maybe since you lost your job, it would be a good time to take some of the money you have and travel a bit. Not everywhere is like here; and if you are seriously considering suicide, what do you have to lose by throwing it all to the wind and taking off somewhere?

 

I know that for myself, what often pulls me out of a rut/depression/anxious state is to start making plans for something completely different, on a grand scale. It makes me feel like I have goals, something to live and strive for, and they don't have to be the goals that are considered "normal" [job, house, family, wash, rinse, repeat].

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[WKnight]

I know that for myself, what often pulls me out of a rut/depression/anxious state is to start making plans for something completely different, on a grand scale. It makes me feel like I have goals, something to live and strive for, and they don't have to be the goals that are considered "normal" [job, house, family, wash, rinse, repeat].

 

I hope you feel better soon.

 

Thanks for replies, give me an example of what you mean by plans on a grand scale?

 

And yes I still take 10mg of Lexapro. I'm afraid to go any higher cause I'll gain weight and then I really won't be able to get out of bed.

[bulletproof]

I guess what I mean by grand-scale plans is a plan that will shake up your life. For me, I moved from the place I'd been living for ten years. I had wanted to leave for a long time, and when I found myself just getting unhappier where I was, I figured it couldn't get worse, so why not? I also have fall-back plans for myself now. When I start to feel depressed about how things are happening (or not happening) I think that I'll just say screw it all and hike the Appalachian Trail for three months. Then I start planning it in my mind and it actually distracts me pretty well. And I likely will do it someday.

 

I've thought about a multitude of these types of things; joining the peace corp, getting another degree, learning a completely new trade, and so on. Luckily I don't indulge every whim I have, but they do give me hope.

 

Hope today has been better for you.