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Friends Before Relationship?


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I've been on a couple dates with a former classmate recently and we seem to have hit things off pretty well. Last weekend she even called at 8 AM to take me out for breakfast, which I thought was impressive. Anyway, last night I was at her place and we were watching some tv, when I went to put my arm around her she stopped me. I asked her if it was a problem and this is how she explained it to me:


Even though we've known each other a long time, we don't really know each other on a deeper, personal level. Every relationship she's had in the past, she hasn't taken the time to become friends with the person first and that's what she'd like to do this time. There are no other guys in the picture and she isn't looking for anyone else. But she also isn't ready to jump into a relationship with me until we become closer friends as she thinks thats the key to making things work. She also mentioned a couple things in her personal life she'd like to deal with before getting into a relationship with someone (a visitation issue with an ex and deciding on a career path). She says she's become more old fashioned since her last relationship and that's the reason she wants to go this route.


To me it doesn't sound like she is sending me to the "Friend Zone" which I so often find myself in, but more she wants to build a friendship as a foundation for a relationship. I should also mention that at the end of each of our dates (including last night) we've kissed a few times before I left, so there is some intimacy there albeit a very small amount.


Does anyone have experience with this type of dating? does it work well and how long does the 'friend' stage last before things become more of a 'normal' style of dating?

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yessssssssss friends before dating worked wonders for me. I was exactly like her, except my reason for rejecting his approaches was that I'd never dated before and wanted to be sure before I let him be my first boyfriend. just wanted to check out his personality and everything. this is my preferred way to start, and I'd actually never date someone who I don't know as a friend yet. just be patient with her!

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Let me tell you a story. This guy was into me this past September, we became best friends, he was always a presence and a joy in my life. I had just gotten out of a serious relationship and was looking for love in all the wrong places. But he never pushed, he never tried a thing. We got so close to the point where we were texting pretty much all day every day. Well one day it finally occurred to me that we were practically dating wthout the physical, and if I were to start dating someone else I would not be able to maintain this level of contact with this guy. I hated the idea of giving up my relationship with this guy I connected so well with.


I decided to give him a shot and honestly it was rocky at first because I HAD friend zoned him. But here I am now, he's my boyfriend, and I honestly believe he's the right person for me. He waited, he kept his eye on the prize, he played his cards close to his chest and he NEVER pushed.


Give this time. DON'T get walked on, have your own life. Just do your best to build your friendship and take it from there. I don't think it means you shouldn't be looking around elsewhere. Just see where it leads!

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Thank you velvette and havefaith. I'm definitely interested in seeing where this goes, I'm drawn to her in a way thats different from most people I've dated. I'm just a little concerned because I have a knack for getting led on and used and then thrown by the curb. It feels to me like she is trying to do the right thing and the way she explained herself almost felt as though she was trying to reassure me that she does want this to become something more so long as I'm patient with her. I'm just unsure how I am supposed to know when she's ready to move beyond just being friends. I'm worried that if I keep holding myself back, so that I don't pressure her, when the time comes to take the next step I'll still be holding back.

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I've tried to date 3 girls who I was friends with first. Each one said no. Then proceeded to shut me out completely pretty soon thereafter.


I would love to be friends first and then start a relationship. Maybe I just went about it wrong. But I can't imagine any guy wanting a female friend. Especially if he's interested.

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