Moving in together POLL

[mikel01]

My ex and I moved in together after only 4 months of dating. I think it was a huge mistake. It was way too fast now that I am looking back at it. We lost the romance really fast. I was playing house without the firm commitment. Eventually we stop having as much sex, I was cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. We didn't have enough time to look forward to date nights or being excited to see each other. We were together way too much to miss each other. I used to believe in living together before marriage, but now I'm not sure anymore. All of the relationships that I know that were living together before marriage never worked out.

 

Do you believed in living together before marriage? Just curious.

[hulk7280]

my therapist told me that the divorce rate for couples who lived together first is higher then the divorce rate is for couples who didnt..

[Jetta]

I really wish I hadn't lived together before marriage. I'm going to try and avoid living together before marriage if there's a next time.

[DN]

My wife and I lived together for several months before marriage but we were engaged.

[mikel01]

My wife and I lived together for several months before marriage but we were engaged.

 

I think engagements are fine. There is more of a commitment there.

[rosephase]

I moved in with my partner of almost four years after three months of being together. Yeah it was fast but I'm still loving it and him very much. I think it is strange that you have to trick yourself into missing someone. Have little rules so you don't burn out a relationship.

 

If you had married this guy without living with him wouldn't the same thing have happened?

 

Some couples don't have a problem keeping the spark and romance when they live together some do. But I don't think weather you’re married or not is what determines how two people live together.

[dreamwarrior]

My ex and I moved in together after only 4 months of dating. I think it was a huge mistake. It was way too fast now that I am looking back at it. We lost the romance really fast. I was playing house without the firm commitment. Eventually we stop having as much sex, I was cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. We didn't have enough time to look forward to date nights or being excited to see each other. We were together way too much to miss each other. I used to believe in living together before marriage, but now I'm not sure anymore. All of the relationships that I know that were living together before marriage never worked out.

 

Do you believed in living together before marriage? Just curious.

 

Hi mike,

 

I have had several long term relationships that went to fast and the guy moved in or visa/versa and man let me tell you it ruined it in a heartbeat.

 

I totally agree with your post above...In the future for myself there will be no living together, because it starts getting dull real quick and reality sets in instead of letting the honeymoon period run it's course you jump right into the fire and then what's left to look forward to? I will never make that mistake again.

 

Everything you mention above is true and correct...I have been alive over 4 decades and every single time I lived with a guy it ended in disaster.

 

So he will live in his place and me in mine until the day we walk down the isle and say, "I do"....well, if I ever decide to get married again, but hey that's for another thread...hehehe.

 

 

[mikel01]

I moved in with my partner of almost four years after three months of being together. Yeah it was fast but I'm still loving it and him very much. I think it is strange that you have to trick yourself into missing someone. Have little rules so you don't burn out a relationship.

 

If you had married this guy without living with him wouldn't the same thing have happened?

 

Some couples don't have a problem keeping the spark and romance when they live together some do. But I don't think weather you’re married or not is what determines how two people live together.

 

I guess that is true. We both got to complacent with the situation. By the time I figured it out, it was too late the damage was already done.

[velvette]

you could always move apart again? start anew. like, when you say 'next guy I date, definitely no living together!'. why not make this guy, the 'next guy'? just move apart and keep dating. haha.

 

in any case, we moved in together after a couple months of dating, pretty much as soon as our own leases were up. we've been together almost 3 years now, still very much in love, and he proposed to me a week ago so yeah. it can work.

 

however, I never play 'house' by myself. we do chores equally, if at all. he washes the dishes/mops/does laundry, I cook/vacuum, and we take out the trash in turn. we RARELY do chores though because we're busy college students who don't care about upkeeping the house yet haha. plus our parents supply all our money, so neither of us work. that could be why ~real life~ hasn't settled in yet.

[mikel01]

I wish I could start over but unfortunately he's an ex now.

[COtuner]

I don't think it would work well for me, although I have considered it in the past. My most recent ex and I had started talking about it, but we both concluded that I am too used to living alone, and would have to ease into the idea gradually. (and we agreed 2 televisions would be needed) The plan was to do overnights, short vacations, etc to start getting used to each other's habits. Of course then we spent the next 2 years fighting so it never happened.

[velvette]

I think... if it doesn't work before marriage, why would it work after, except that you're more inclined to stay together out of obligation (and unhappily!)? when we'd sometimes run into similar problems (no date nights to look forward to), we'd think about splitting places, but then we realized that if we couldn't solve our problems now, it wouldn't get better after marriage.

 

perhaps he's an ex for a reason, more than just having lived together?

[brokenheart311]

In retrospect of looking back at my current situation I would say to not to move in together until at most a few months before marriage, if not after. i also dated someone for about 4 months and we ended up living together in my house with her son. They lived here for about 17 months and 2 weeks ago, a month before our wedding she decided that she wasn't ready and didn't know if she loved me enough to sustain a lifelong commitment. Since about late february or early march our lives had been pretty routine, we were both in school and we only got to be really alone together for about an hour each week, so it had to play a big role in waning interests on her part (but she won't admit that).

 

long answer short, no I don't believe in living together before marriage anymore.

[Hope75]

I think it depends on the couple and you can't just make a blanket statement like 'living together means failed relationship/marriage' and apply it to all couples and all situations. I lived with a man for 5 years and that relationship did not work out, but I lived with my husband for 6 years before we got married and we have a great, solid relationship.

[viajera]

ABSOLUTELY! I look at the living together period as a trial phase. Living together - being with the person (and their quirks) 24/7 is COMPLETELY different then just seeing them on dates, when they're on their best behavior. Moving in can be a HUGE eye-opener. It's no guaranteed cure-all, but it can prevent you from making a bigger mistake (i.e., marrying someone you shouldn't).

 

I've lived with several exes, and with some the relationship would have worked out weren't it for other problems of theirs. I also had a huge wake-up call literally the day I moved in with another ex. While we were just dating we got along fine, and could find plenty to talk about. But within days of moving in, I felt absolutely stifled - he wouldn't talk to me, and I quickly realized that we really had nothing much to talk about. Imagine if I'd married him first before I figured this out?

[thejigsup]

I love my independence too much to live with anyone. I have done it in the past and it never worked for me. I just enjoy my lovers more when I don't live with them. Marriage was even worse for me. But that's me, I'm very private and independent. It really depends on the couple. Some people need to live together, others shouldn't.

[agtc]

Maybe I'm old school but I would never move in with my SO before marriage. It just complicates things.

[peace_lily]

I moved in with my ex after about 15-16 months of being together. At the time, he was always at my place and I got tired of paying the utilities and everything for two people. Also, he lived about 45 minutes away and I didn't see him till late at night often.

 

we were together for another 15-16 months after that. I am part of the only couple I know that broke up after living together; everyone else I know got married.

 

While it was good, it was very very good and while it was bad it was just awful. The thing was, I moved in with him to cure his massive neglect of me, and once we lived together he neglected me emotionally even more. He took me for granted. It took away the romance, and I didn't see just how bad it had gotten because he was around all the time. I think if we hadn't lived together, the emotional distance between us would have been more obvious and I would have saved myself some of the heartache.

 

Also, the pure division of stuff that happens when you break up with someone you live with, the loss of someone you count on daily, the fact that all of your stuff reminds you of them, the fact you have to find a new place and don't have a home during a terrible period of your life-- all of these are horrible. As lonely as I am now, I would not live with a man again without being engaged first.

 

Being with him was worth the heartache. Living with him was not. So long as you live with someone, you can deceive yourself into thinking both of you are making decisions with the couple's best interests at heart. If you live by yourself, you live for you and what's best for you.

[mikel01]

 

I do feel like I could have avoided a lot of heartache if I would have moved a little slower, but that is just me. I am not for it or against it. It's a matter of preference.

[canali]

Id like to see the stats to back that assertion up.

 

my therapist told me that the divorce rate for couples who lived together first is higher then the divorce rate is for couples who didnt..

[canali]

I'm with you!

 

I think as you get older too you enjoy your space more than when you are younger and less experienced....having my own space is great! Yet when me and my gal want to hang out for a few nights then that is great too.

 

I love my independence too much to live with anyone. I have done it in the past and it never worked for me. I just enjoy my lovers more when I don't live with them. Marriage was even worse for me. But that's me, I'm very private and independent. It really depends on the couple. Some people need to live together, others shouldn't.

[journeynow]

We were housemates first (there were 4 sharing one house) and pretty quickly we fell in love (although we waited several months before being intimate). We were together after that for 30 years. Now we are separated and on friendly terms b/c he wants his freedom, which is classic midlife crisis and I can't blame it on living together before marriage. (But maybe?)

 

We are both shy and quiet, enjoy hiking and camping for fun, and maybe we would not have met if we weren't living together. However, I don't recommend our approach as a strategy, it just happened to work that way for us.

 

peace_lilly makes a valid point long as you live with someone, you can deceive yourself into thinking both of you are making decisions with the couple's best interests at heart. If you live by yourself, you live for you and what's best for you.

[JenniferSNJ]

I've read that couples that move in together after marriage are more likely to stay together.

 

I personally do not want to live with someone before marriage. I've always felt pretty firm about the issue. Personally, I just think it's way more romantic to move in together post-marriage- it gives you something to look forward to. If you live together before marriage, then why get married? What would change? Sharing health benefits?

[Mutley]

I've only lived with one woman. That was my ex-wife. We didn't live together until we were married.

 

My current gf and I do not live together.

[jennamajig]

I moved in with my ex after a year together. We lived together for over a year before he broke up with me.

 

And I learned this: I will not be living with anyone again until we are at least engaged. I move in with my ex because I seriously wanted to marry him. If I hadn't felt that way, I wouldn't have done it. And living together didn't change my feelings, just his, I suppose (we'd spend at least 4 nights a week at his place prior to moving in together). But a painful break-up when you live together is even more painful: I, luckily, had a friend to stay with while I quickly found a new apartment, etc. We'd bought stuff together so it just dragged out an already very painful thing. Living together does not equal commitment and silly naive me thought it did. (I hate admitting it, but a few family members warned me and I didn't listen - I was in love).

 

Alas, I lived, I learned, and I will not ever be making that mistake again. On the plus side: because of the break-up, I am living on my own for the first time in my life and after a few lonely months I am finally appreciating it.