Will NC help me? Why yes and why no

[foxbat74]

I wanted to post this for a long time and finally decided to do so. It is a part of my gratitude to this forum for tremendous help I got from reading this discussion board. These are only my views and if you disagree I would be glad to hear your arguments

Synopsis

 

Me and my ex were together for 8 months. She is smart and beautiful but we had so many difficulties that if finally lead to breakup. She was the dumper. After 2 months of total NC I called her back and said that I want her back. It lasted for another 2 months and she dumped again. I went to another NC and it has been almost for 5 months.

 

I have tried to summarize all of the mistakes I made with my thinking about the whole relationship theory and if it helps at least one person I will be very glad. In fact what I am writing here was mentioned by many people but I just wanted to put certain emphasis because it is very important to UNDERSTAND.

 

Many people ask here – “Will he/she come back to ME (if I do NC, If I send her a gift or if I write her a serenade”?

 

The answer to that would be NO. He or she will not come back to YOU because they already decided that it is a bad idea. Any relationship is unique but we can classify at least two kinds of breakup – fundamental and short-term. You can spot short term when they contact you back within a week or two – they cooled down and want to try again. But if you spent 2 months doing NC and did not hear a word from your ex – congratulations – you are going through a fundamental breakup.

What does it mean for you?

 

It means she is not coming back to YOU. Let me explain. Many people here mention that they went to gym for 90 days, got healthier, lost weight and now they are shiny and new (and ready to try again). If fact they are not. They are still the same people – just slightly healthier. All of the reasons that separated you still remain (and by the way on both ends).

 

You can’ touch the same water twice.

 

So, what about those people who got back together and lived happily ever after? That is what I want to emphasize – these are not the same people who separated X amount of months ago. These are different people who still carry the same names – but they are different. It wouldn’t be the same relationship as it was before – because if it would it wouldn’t last long. Forget about the movies where they get together 6 times and so on – there are always exceptions to the rules. Reconciliation doesn’t occur because she suddenly realizes “I love him (as it is shown in romantic drama/comedy)”. It happens because dumper’s/dumpee paradigm changes.

 

What does it mean for me?

 

Obviously, unless you are a God you can’t change the way your ex is thinking now (and probably later. There are absolutely crazy people who NEVER change the way they are thinking and it comes from messed up psychological self-defense mechanism. If you are the one who loves fighting uphill battles good luck to you). So the only thing you can do right now – find out what makes you “ticking”. Being 4.5 months in pain I suddenly came to realization that my obsession with ex comes from my own insecurity and stupid believe that I wouldn’t find anything better because “girls like her don’t like guys like me”. ..My next step was to talk openly to my current date that suddenly was more receptive than I expected. Her response was “Don’t be an idiot. Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. And yes I noticed that you tend to concentrate on some absolutely irrelevant problems failing to address the real ones…Like anger management.” I knew that I have anger management issues…and never thought it was significant. So here was the answer for me –MY OWN INSECURITY. My well hidden insecurity from childhood when I was unpopular kid, which I nursed and carefully carried through my life. Hiding it I became arrogant, I became stubborn and difficult to deal with. So the reason for my pain and some issues we had with ex were the same. When you come to realization what is the problem with you pain will go away. Because now you got your task. This post "You can get your ex back - let me explain" (check Getting back) basically assumes that you fix your appearance and he will be back. In fact “appearance” problem normally is an indication of some underlying psychological problems with that person (I am not talking about normal aging process, I am talking about situation when a person can resolve the issue but doesn’t do a squat about it)

 

But I read that NC helped many people?...

 

NC by itself is like a gym membership. You want to get bigger – you have to exercise. If you don’t have weights at home you need to get to gym. But if you just got a membership but never exercised - nothing going to change. You can stay in NC as long as you want but if you DID NOT FIND A CORE REASON FOR YOUR PAIN – NEXT TIME WHEN YOU MEET YOUR EX YOU WILL BE HURT EVEN MORE, YOU WILL HAVE TRUST ISSUES AND BELIEVE ME NOBODY WOULD WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

 

What do I do then?

 

It has been said here numerous times. It is all about YOU. I couldn’t not get the idea through my thick skull for awhile. Getting your EX back would occur as an indirect result of your self-improvement. Here is the example. Your muscle grows based on stimulus. You remove stimulus – no growth anymore. Imagine you do it for your ex. So it is all fine and dandy until you realized that reconciliation did not work. What do you do now? Become a loser again, going through life angry upset and insecure with a tendency for self-destruction? It is not a life. It is a prison that you build yourself.

 

But I am in love…and experience so much pain….

 

I really hate to speak that way about love but emotions are generally a curse of the human brain. You learn 2 ways – logically processing neutral information and processing danger/pain/happiness information through your subconsciousness (and by the way since the original intention of subconsciousness is to store survivalist skills it doesn’t use logical processing. I.E. See the big drunk guys – RUN )That is how you learn and unfortunately subconsciousness becomes an ultimate storage of our complexes. Another example – your first love says you are a loser. You already know that you probably going to lose her. In a future you will try to avoid the situation that brought you pain. May be you will dump them yourself or may be you will start dating girls that definitely don’t resemble the evil * * * * * . Basically psychological treatment assumes that you understand your “problem” and then reprogram yourself with different ideas (mantras are one of the examples of changing subliminal programming).

Second part of pain is chemical – you don’t have your hormones as you did before. And if you believe that you are not addicted – good luck. People in love – drug addicts. Happy moments together generate huge hormonal response and without it you are going through exactly the same thing as many drug addicts do – YOU CRAVE IT. That is why a lot of people on this forum advise to exercise – strenuous physical activity changes hormonal balance of your body significantly enough to allow you not to slide to the depression – and you will need it.

 

Basically the conclusion – since everything is circular here are the few things to remember:

You get healthier and eliminate pain – you definitely increase your attraction (chemical)

You understand from your prospective what you did wrong – you are armed against future problems (mental)

You are not blaming yourself anymore – blaming yourself is stupid a self-destruction. Responsibility is the understanding that you have to change something in you. Blaming yourself is like blaming 5 months old for not knowing how to walk.

 

You are dropping the idea to get your ex back.

 

Believe me in many cases they contributed to breakup probably way more than you did. Even if you change and they don’t– nothing gonna work.

 

And here is the tasty part – ZE dumper psychology.

 

It is mainly for guys who sit and wait that their long lost love will come back (especially for dumpees)

1. Would she have and rebound?

a. Most likely yes. Especially if her looks are above average. For woman it is not a problem to do “mental gymnastics” to convince herself that she is the victim here and you are an *rsehole. So please don’t consider yourself hurt when she is starting dating other guy 2 days after breakup. It is natural and normal in our lovely modern society.

b. Whatever was the case for breakup SHE WANTS TO HURT YOU. Even if your actions are not the reason. See a. She thinks you are the reason for all of the problems – at least now.

 

2. Why she is calling me from time to time? Does she miss me?

a. May be. But also woman’s brain is a wonderful cocktail of emotions. Even the most beautiful woman can be as insecure as anybody else. So calling you she reassures herself that more than ONE guy wants her. It is also natural.

3. Why she might come back?

 

a. Systematic crisis. She meets a guy after you who she really likes and probably even starts to think that he is the one. 4 months later they end up and he points to exactly the same problems with her that you did. Then it might make her thinking. If another relationship she is having after ends up in the same fashion you might expect a call with an invitation for a coffee.

 

b. Paradigm shift (taking to extreme). She meets a guy and thinks he is the one. She gets everything she wanted – money, horses and yachts. Except one thing – love. He treats her like expensive piece of furniture but nothing else. She voices her concerns but he is looking at her like at talking sofa – with no understanding what she wants. So the problems with you suddenly become insignificant and she might to give you another try.

 

Obviously it is just black and white explanations. There are thousands situations that lie in between and for you it might be different. If so I am happy to be wrong.

 

Concluding this article which I address to everybody with hope: stop waiting – start living. The world is the wonderful place if you know how to enjoy life. Did she love you? I can assure you that at least for a second – yes. So look at it from another prospective - if she loved you, why somebody else wouldn't? Especially if you fix some problems with yourself?

 

At the end an excerpt from” Zen Questions”

 

A monk named Mamiya was given “the sound of one hand” koan by his teacher. He made no progress and the teacher scolded him, “You are too fond of food and easy living. And you are ATTACHED to that sound. It would be better for you to die. That would solve your problem!”

Next time Mamiya went to his teacher to answer the koan, he fell over and played dead. “Hmmm” said the teacher, “you may be dead, but what about that sound?” Mamiya opened one eye. “I haven’t quite worked that bit out yet” he admitted. “Dead men don’t speak” said the teacher. “Get out”

Poor Mamiya – he’d tried everything and was getting desperate. The more he thought about the sound, the further away he got from it. This is what makes Zen so difficult.

Usually if you try hard enough, you will accomplish things. That’s the way our parents raise us. It doesn’t work with Zen. Not trying doesn’t work either. Trying not to try is just a recipe for failure. A koan binds students tighter and tighter. They become completely confused and demoralized until, like Alexander the Great cutting the Gordian know, they finally make one strong effort to break free.

[90_hour_sleep]

nice post. i agree whole-heartedly with the ''stop waiting'' bit. this is only a way to hold onto suffering. it's an attatchment to a past that no longer exists. i think for many it becomes a piece of their identity...and as such is something they refuse to let go of for fear of losing a piece of the overall identity.

 

i also like your points on finding the deeper pshchological causes of your own problems. surface alterations only achieve surface results. a 'new you' has nothing to do with your exterior relfection. i agree that it may help you to channel energy into a useful medium...but it will only take you so far.

 

do the work. breakups are an amazing opportunity to discover our own distorted thought patterns. this is the only way to gain release from pain...and future suffering.

[foxbat74]

Thank you 90_hour_sleep for your support.

[peace_lily]

Sorry, I don't agree with this post. It has a real blame the dumpee mentality. Yes, sometimes dumpees are at fault.

 

But sometimes they were with people who were users. Who took and took from them until they had nothing left to give. And so the user dumps them and goes to someone else to get what he wants. It's called abandonment and it's a fact of life.

 

Breaking up may have been the best thing for both parties, but just because they broke up with you doesn't mean they were right about the reasons for breaking up with you or the way that they broke up with you.

 

And just because you know someone is not right for you doesn't mean you can just shut off the wanting them back trigger. Eventually you aren't triggered as often but it still happens.

[foxbat74]

Sorry, I don't agree with this post. It has a real blame the dumpee mentality. Yes, sometimes dumpees are at fault.

 

But sometimes they were with people who were users. Who took and took from them until they had nothing left to give. And so the user dumps them and goes to someone else to get what he wants. It's called abandonment and it's a fact of life.

 

Breaking up may have been the best thing for both parties, but just because they broke up with you doesn't mean they were right about the reasons for breaking up with you or the way that they broke up with you.

 

And just because you know someone is not right for you doesn't mean you can just shut off the wanting them back trigger. Eventually you aren't triggered as often but it still happens.

 

As a dumpee in my last relationship it is unlikely that I would blame myself The only thing I blame in dumpee - victim's psychology. There are people here who are in pain and they are still waiting for their ex (who obviously is no good for them) to come back and "re approve" them. Than faster dumpee comes to realization that it is not going to happen than faster a healing process. The only thing I suggested - concentrate on what you can change and stop guessing what he/she thinks - you can't possibly know it and it is a useless waste of your time.

[atelis]

 

But sometimes they were with people who were users. Who took and took from them until they had nothing left to give. And so the user dumps them and goes to someone else to get what he wants. It's called abandonment and it's a fact of life.

 

.

 

but you still had the choice of staying in the relationship or leaving and this is what foxbat is talking about. The fact you didn't leave, suggests you have your own psychological issues that kept you in an abusive relationship. This is what you need to work on, rather than hope that the next guy you meet is a 'nice' guy.

 

I agree with everything foxbat said.

 

Too many people on this site use NC as simply a time healer. Unless you are prepared to tackle your own behavioural or psychological weaknesses (and we all have them whether you are a dumpee or a dumper) then NC is a wasted opportunity.

[peace_lily]

but you still had the choice of staying in the relationship or leaving and this is what foxbat is talking about. The fact you didn't leave, suggests you have your own psychological issues that kept you in an abusive relationship. This is what you need to work on, rather than hope that the next guy you meet is a 'nice' guy.

 

I agree with everything foxbat said.

 

Too many people on this site use NC as simply a time healer. Unless you are prepared to tackle your own behavioural or psychological weaknesses (and we all have them whether you are a dumpee or a dumper) then NC is a wasted opportunity.

 

No, I still disagree. The choice to stay in a relationship at that time can be the right choice for you based on your knowledge and awareness of what's happening. You can't be expected to be omniescent-- or to mistrust someone you are close to-- that's bad for a relationship. The other person's lies and unwillingness to communicate are not your fault.

 

Besides which, relationships don't always break up because one person or the other was "weak." Relationships end because people change and grow apart from one another, no matter how much they loved each other at one point. This in fact can indicate that both sides have grown stronger, not weaker, during the course of the relationship.

 

And just because they lied may make them a jerk, and it may make you a victim of those lies, but it doesn't make the relationship that you had abusive.

 

Besides which I think a focus on behavioral or psychological weaknesses misses the point-- it hits at unrealistic expectations for the self that prolong pain rather than shorten it. The better way to go is to accept grief and loss as a natural part of life, rather than as something you caused. Healing comes with time and gentleness, not with force. And as long as NC in and of itself promotes healing (and I believe it does), then it is not a wasted opportunity. There is no one way.