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Well, I did it tonight--I Cheated on my Husband


NewLifeforMe

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Wow. That stuck like a knife in my chest.....and there is truth to it.

 

I'm afraid of hurting BOTH of us with the truth...AND our family unit, which does still get together for holidays, camping, etc. That dynamic would not be the same anymore, definitely.

 

just a crazy question...

 

what if he said "i understand why you did it and completely forgive you?

 

how would that affect your thinking?

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just a crazy question...

 

what if he said "i understand why you did it and completely forgive you?

 

how would that affect your thinking?

 

This scenario happened about 2-1/2 years ago, when we went through another rough patch, right around the time that I was seeing the counselor and looking into divorce, which he was unaware of....it was with a different picture, short of out and out infidelity, but of meeting up with a man as a "friend" in which my hubby discovered the plans in my emails. He was basically heartbroken at that discovery, and did not want to lose me.....and took me back and enveloped me at the time and let me know that he very much wanted me still as a wife, even if I was having doubts. I felt guilty enough at the time to put my thoughts and feelings I was having on the back burner for a couple of years until.................now.

 

 

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This scenario happened about 2-1/2 years ago, when we went through another rough patch, right around the time that I was seeing the counselor and looking into divorce, which he was unaware of....it was with a different picture, short of out and out infidelity, but of meeting up with a man as a "friend" in which my hubby discovered the plans in my emails. He was basically heartbroken at that discovery, and did not want to lose me.....and took me back and enveloped me at the time and let me know that he very much wanted me still as a wife, even if I was having doubts. I felt guilty enough at the time to put my thoughts and feelings I was having on the back burner for a couple of years until.................now.

 

 

 

So you had another incident in the past and then this time you actually went through with it? I think you know that this is not working.

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This scenario happened about 2-1/2 years ago, when we went through another rough patch, right around the time that I was seeing the counselor and looking into divorce, which he was unaware of....it was with a different picture, short of out and out infidelity, but of meeting up with a man as a "friend" in which my hubby discovered the plans in my emails. He was basically heartbroken at that discovery, and did not want to lose me.....and took me back and enveloped me at the time and let me know that he very much wanted me still as a wife, even if I was having doubts. I felt guilty enough at the time to put my thoughts and feelings I was having on the back burner for a couple of years until.................now.

 

 

 

I'm sorry you are so unhappy, but, in my opinion, you really do need to be up front and honest with your husband. This will all happen again...I think you know that deep down. You have obviously checked out of your marriage a long time ago. I don't mean to sound disrespectful. Just my opinion after reading all of your postings.

 

Good luck to you and God bless.

 

Tech

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I'm sorry you are so unhappy, but, in my opinion, you really do need to be up front and honest with your husband. This will all happen again...I think you know that deep down. You have obviously checked out of your marriage a long time ago. I don't mean to sound disrespectful. Just my opinion after reading all of your postings.

 

Good luck to you and God bless.

 

Tech

 

Only on subsequent relapses, the stakes get higher and the repercussions worse. No one has gotten seriously hurt......yet. This isn't a game, this is real life.

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Don't do things or not do things in a relationship out of fear of emotional fallout. Do things because you're in love. And if that isn't the case, work through the fear and pull yourself away from the unhappy relationship. Only you know deep down whether or not your relationship is one that you really want to be in, or one that you just feel you should be in because you've been in it for so long you don't know anything else.

 

I agree with this statement here. The reason why the saying "the truth will set you free" is because your relationship is, at this moment, a living lie. Marriage is based on a symbiotic love between two people forming one sacred bond. You know how it goes: to love in sickness and in health, rich or poor, etc. Now you have made the decision to withhold the truth from him and thus placing a restriction on the marriage. Your husband does this because he believes you love him as much as he does you. Everyday he wakes up and chooses to love you continuously for who you are and the joy you bring to his life. However, you are a good person but it is the decision, not mistake, that you made to be unfaithful with another married man who would do the same to his significant other just to satisfy your own sexual wants. Sex you can get anywhere but love is something that takes time, patience and understanding to grow to a point where two people make the decision to be together for the rest of their lives. Now you have broken that promise to your husband. He deserves the truth and you know it.

 

To my point. Telling him the truth will be painful. He will endure what the many few dare to. This suffering will be of your actions but it is through this fire that will either burn away his weakness or consume him like it does some. Marriages can become stronger because of this but only if the two in it are willing to remedy the problems that have caused the infidelity to occur. With all of this turmoil that would happen it is a learning process that people will go through. Together you two will decide whether the marriage will make it through. You on one hand will figure out whether you do want to be with your husband. He, he will learn a lot more then you will. Your husband will go through the up and down motions of the storm of emotions. The time this could take might be years if not longer before true reconciliation. Do not let this projection of time keep your silence because even though he deserves to be happy the happiness is a false sense. All of it is a shadow of what it feels like because even he can feel some unknown presence of deceit and betrayal. This feeling is vague but he can feel it like a light breeze or a whisper. The reason he does not suspect anything furthur is because it is unfamiliar to him and does not suspect you would do such a thing. For God's sake there are signs hanging over his head and staring at him in the face but again does not know to look for these tell tales or what they even look like. Well in every sense he is dead wrong. I know from personal experience that although there are people who would never cross that line they are all each and every one of them fully capable.

 

Years from now you might want to tell him because you think things have settled and gotten better. He will appear less insecure with his behavior and you a more faithful wife. But if you tell him then, all the time leading up to then will be null and void to him. Negated by the fact that you withheld the truth and lived on a lie the whole time. He will think every time you made love, kissed, held hands, whatever was like a shiny red apple that is rotten to the core. Then you will think how you wish you told him sooner.

 

As virtuous as your inentions (at the moment) are as to spare him the pain they will not seem that way to him. Which is why you are trying to justify your decision to keep quiet. But that is not the entire reason why. You want to keep him and not feel the loneliness that would come after. The guilt and shame because he would be aware of what transpired the night he was at home while his thoughts circled around you. Maybe even if others should find out of your immorality. What then? Wearing a red A around your neck wouldn't be a bad idea. I can understand why you are going along with this but it is more selfish than right, and more for you then your loving husband. If you truly care then you as an adult will take responsibility for past decisions made and face the consequences. If you are not able to do that then you do not deserve to receive this man's love. He gives his heart and soul completely while you undeservingly accept and smile through your teeth day in and out. You, the conniving adultress turned repenting wife after becoming enlightened through her "mistake." And you ask in the beginning of this thread "is it cheating." Cheating has many forms but is all the same in the end. Looking for attention on social networking sites from guys who only want to have a one night stand is not only sexually but even worse emotionally unfaithful. There is only a temporary satisfaction with the added price of internal corruption that will be the end product of this experience.

 

Go online and read stories like this that could have turned out better if the spouse had been honest. Educate yourself from other's wrong doings. Having been married for 25 years will not be worthless because of this. Not exactly. But the time to follow this event will with each passing minute, hour, day, week, month, and year. Every moment living a lie. The longer you wait, the more damaging it will be when it is finally let out. It is now or never. You've already made one bad decision. Do not make another.

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ummm...wow. You sure you are only 18 yrs old??? Such wisdom. Such eloquence, such heart and soul in your words. I am curious as to where that comes from...

 

I could not agree with your posting more. Again, WOW. It really blew me away. I hope the OP really and truly reads what you wrote.

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This is confirmation of every single thing I've every written about why you don't get married young, why you make sure you both are sexually compatible before marriage, and why you get plenty of experience before settling down with anyone.

 

Even more telling is she doesn't feel bad about, like she was entitled to this experience. I wonder how you'd feel if your husband was doing the same exact thing while you were gone on the girls night/weekend out? Also, again, another reason guys you don't want your women going on girls nights out, doubly so if it's in another town. You just never know and experience has shown this is the sort of thing that can happen. Even if they're not looking, booze can lower inhibitions where things "just happen".

 

Also, to the OP, yes you cheated.

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This statement ensures that she will at some point do it again!!! If they have such a lack of communication where these issues are not brought up and dealt with (And I am sure he could make a list himself).....then this is a recipe for disaster!!!!

 

Find a way to bring these issues up in a nice way....maybe counseling or buy a book like His needs Her needs or another one that can help broach the topic. If you can change all these things you might make it to 50 yrs happily!!

 

After cheating on your husband possibly exposing him to STD's you owe him either the truth or major effort on your part to make the marriage better!!

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Entitlement, rationalization and blame shifting ooze from every post you make newlife. Go to your new life, wreck the old one. Make sure that you leave plenty of victims attempting to crawl from the wreckage.

 

Because what's wrong with your old llife is inside of you rather than your husband or anywhere else outside of you, you'll repeat the same pattern. What you're doing is blaming the victim. Worse, you're seeking absolution here.

 

If you were looking for perspective and advice, that would be a good thing. What you want is for somebody (or a lot of somebodies) to say 'its okay dear'. Have you noticed that's not happening?

 

Raoul

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I didn't find out many of the differences until after we were married, believe it or not....and the other ones, in the interest of dating/courting, were minimized initially but later grew larger and magnified.

 

He gave you children, helped you raise them, fulfilled a life goal many women have. Now the kids are gone and there's little more he can do for you in your mind.

 

I agree with others who say you are rationalizing with consistently falling back on "his" insecurities. He is actually secure enough to continue to love you and express as such, something many in long term marriages would kill to have. Perhaps spend a bit more time concentrating on your own insecurities and faults than on his.

 

Your story is the flip side of the gender coin where the guy goes out and gets a younger woman once the older wife loses some sparkle and is equally odious. Sounds like you will do this again as nonchalantly as you have done it the first time, so consider taking the advice others have given you and divorce your husband. Give him a chance to find someone who will appreciate a husband who expresses love and admiration for his wife.

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Whatever else you do - I think you'd truly benefit from individual therapy.

 

And you can do that regardless of what you choose within the context of this situation. You can do it if you are together and keep it to yourself, you can do it if you tell him and find yourself in the thick of things, you can do it alone facing a divorce.

 

The reason I say this is it struck me how LOST you seem - in terms of developing your own identity, your sense of self, your sense of power. As YOU alone - rather than by identifying with circumstances and relationships.

 

You've gone from dad's house to hubby's house, to being a child to being a wife and then a mother.....

 

and now - who are you? You are still a wife but what else is there to YOU?

 

Add to this your recent weight loss from the bypass surgery and the subsequent "identity crisis" that is very, very common by the way after someone loses that much weight and their self image changes so drastically, and it's a cocktail for some risky and outrageous "acting out behavior".

 

I'm not even going to comment on the rightness or wrongness of what you are doing: it's been said enough, the real point is it is UNHEALTHY and DESTRUCTIVE. Not only to those around you, but you are SELF DESTRUCTING in an attempt to individuate yourself.

 

Your best shot at finding some sort of lasting happiness - in or out of this relationship - is by working on yourself.

 

Find someone qualified, take that risk to go get that help and work it - it may feel a million times scarier to do that than to do what you currently are doing, but that's because of the state of mind you are in. You need to see you really do have other options and some power over your own life.

 

You are also going to need that professional because, the truth is your husband is also being affected by your changes (even if he doesn't realize your infidelity as of now) and it would be a big help to you to have someone to help guide you through understanding "what is his and what is yours".

 

UPdate please.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I have to thank the Thread-starter for confirming for me something I always knew deep down: Relationships in this day and age, do not work.

 

25 years and you pull this?

 

Honestly, I'm a young man (22) and as I sit here and type this, I can say honestly, no woman will ever be lucky enough to get me into a relationship. Far to many like yourself out there.

 

Then I come onto this Forum, and read what some of these guys are going through, and still they end up taking them back? Where in the hello have our unmentionables gone? This Earth is LITTERED with walking, talking vagina's, why waste your time and breath on ONE who is going to, no doubt about, grab your heart and crush it into a million pieces?

 

To those who have found a good woman, by god keep her close, because they are a dying breed that's for damn well sure.

 

Jesus. I can't believe some of you women.

 

By the way, lets say you got into some kind of medical accident when you were going to "test the waters", who would be beside your bed caring for you? Your poor husband, that's who.

 

God I don't even know the man, and I feel like crying for him.

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She is not the norm. My wife has been nothing but loyal for 30 years. She doesn't even look at other men. At least in a seductive way, and trust me, I have observed her a lot in 30 years. We are each others best friend. This doesn't mean that we haven't had problems, but they are insignificant, compared to this.

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She is not the norm. My wife has been nothing but loyal for 30 years. She doesn't even look at other men. At least in a seductive way, and trust me, I have observed her a lot in 30 years. We are each others best friend. This doesn't mean that we haven't had problems, but they are insignificant, compared to this.

 

While great, it's not fair to compare your generation to the current younger crowd. Things have changed significantly in dating & relationships, as well as the laws governing them.

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Here's the thing what it was. He was shorter and fatter than his picture showed. His penis seemed smaller than the dimensions that he had reported in his initial email (and smaller than my husband's and it wouldn't stay hard. We kissed and did plenty of oral activity, but we never did actually have intercourse.........so does it still count as cheating? [/b]

So, I think God may have had the last laugh here....the big letdown after the big expectation of grand things........and now I've been unfaithful to my husband after 25 years of marriage. But it still seems to me that it was almost a rite of passage that I felt I had to go through, so I'm not all that remorseful about it, if the truth be known.

 

Okay, give it to me. I'm ready.

 

smaller penis, shorter and fatter than his pic depicted, you were the one who was cheated. just make better what you got!

 

or leave him................

 

sorry this seems on the knuckle, but its how it looks.

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I don't understand this thread at all.

 

NewLife, you make this sound like it was all about the physical...wanting to try other men since you had only been with one, curiosity about penis size, stuff like that. But if that's all it was, there are other ways.

 

If nothing else, you could be honest with your husband about those things BEFORE you do anything. Tell him. You aren't the kids you were when you married. He's a mature, middle aged man. He can handle the truth. What do you think would have happened if you had said "You know honey, I've been thinking. We've each had very limited sex lives in terms of experience. Does that ever bother you?" See what he says. Maybe he was thinking the same thing. And the point is there are ways of dealing with this, ways of discussing things like sexual variety, without violating the sacredness of your vows.

 

Maybe you talk it out, and through your openness and honesty, you get past the curiosity and decide to stick together. Maybe you decide to do something radical like agree to find other couples to "swing" with. Who knows. The point is you seem to think of your vows as emphasizing the physical part of your relationship first, but you have no compunction at all in violating the trust and commitment part.

 

That's backwards. A married person should be able to discuss anything with his or her spouse, and the spouse should receive every question or request in a spirit of helpfulness.

 

I guess you can tell I'm coming at this from exactly the other side of things. My wife is a cheater too. She just destroyed our marriage and two families. All because she wanted some action on the side and couldn't say no.

 

I can tell you from my perspective it would hurt a thousand times less if she had come to me first. I don't know this for sure, but if she had told me she was filled with sexual curiosity and needed to explore, I probably could have found a way to accept that, at least temporarially. Its the emotional betrayal that hurts. That's the difference. You had already cheated before you ever met your lover. You have already checked out emotionally. That was a far worse offense against your marriage.

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Well, what I really find to be rather infantile in your post is the size thing. To be honest, you almost think like a guy (well, some of them) - have you ever heard of lovemaking, not just sex? Do you think your behavior is in anyway justified because you think you husband has a small penis? It just seems really superficial to me. There are sexual problems that would entitle someone to leave a relationship, but size is not among them (unless we speak of uncommonly small sizes). I once had a man I loved very much who had it small, and boy, he was an excellent lover! So, in my opinion, the reason is childish and your actions immoral, esp. since you seem to do it mostly for sex. Why not try to work out the sexual problems with your husband? No one deserves this treatment for a whim. If you're not happy, he should know it - just don't go behind his back.

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She is not the norm. My wife has been nothing but loyal for 30 years. She doesn't even look at other men. At least in a seductive way, and trust me, I have observed her a lot in 30 years. We are each others best friend. This doesn't mean that we haven't had problems, but they are insignificant, compared to this.

 

This doesn't seem like nothing:

 

enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=271204

 

You got a wall heading right in your direction, fella.

 

Wish ya the best, though.

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It sounds like you want to stay married, but are tempted by what else you think life has to offer. If that is accurate, I think the next time you go to counseling, you need to find a counselor who is pro-marriage. I'm shocked that you had a counsellor tell you that you should seek a divorce because of your feelings, I think that's ridiculous. But I say that based on my strong belief in marriage and my religious beliefs, and that divorce is not an option unless there is abuse or indeed, cheating (the Bible talks about divorce being justified if it is a result of sexual immorality, but I think even after adultery, if you can save a marriage you should save it).

 

I believe that divorce is not an option for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is its effect on children, even adult children. My parents got a divorce when I was 12, and I'm 35 now. I don't think I've gotten over it, to be honest. And, it's a pain in the butt to visit them for holidays or for any other reason. My son is not going to have the same relationship with his grandparents that I had with my grandparents, who stayed married for 50 plus years, despite having a rocky marriage. I think your kids, even though they are adults, could suffer more than you think. I also think that you can find true happiness in your marriage, and be happier than you could ever be if you left.

 

I have been a victim of infidelity where it was a one-time thing, and was promised it would never happen again, because I think my husband could see it was not worth it. If I had not stumbled upon the truth, he would have never told me.

 

Now, am I glad that I know the truth? I think I am, and we are working through our issues. But even having said that, I think that you should keep this to yourself. But you should ask a trusted counselor for their advice about that. And I think you should go to counseling as soon as possible, and together if possible. I would search for a marriage friendly counsellor, which you could find here:

 

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And a few more great sites:

 

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People cheat all the time, and marriages can survive it. Good luck.

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Don't know if anyone posted about this but have you heard of the Craigslist killer? Aren't you afraid of getting killed, raped or catching some sort of disease. And yes you did cheat.

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