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Well, I did it tonight--I Cheated on my Husband


NewLifeforMe

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It happens all the time. And it doesn't necessarily mean a person is lacking a soul.

 

I'm sorry if my opinions seem flawed to you, but I am that cheating spouse and I couldn't live with the guilt. I guess if it works for other people more power to them, but I couldn't stay in a relationship when the entire time I was hiding the worst lie imaginable. I'll just stop posting now. The cheaters opinion is lost.

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I'm sorry if my opinions seem flawed to you, but I am that cheating spouse and I couldn't live with the guilt. I guess if it works for other people more power to them, but I couldn't stay in a relationship when the entire time I was hiding the worst lie imaginable. I'll just stop posting now. The cheaters opinion is lost.

 

A cheater has a soul too.

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I guess I just don't understand these infidelity posts. They're inconsistent. Sometimes the cheater is berated by the people on this board and other times they are coddled because "there was a reason". Reading these boards as a cheater probably fogs what I read, but I just don't get it. There is no excuse, and never was an excuse. All this business about protecting the spouse's feelings makes my mouth drop open. I wouldn't do that to my husband even if he would have never found out about it. It just gives an excuse to do it again in the future because they won't find out.

 

I don't care how sensitive or lacking of self esteem a person is, they have the right to know if their spouse is a cheater so they can deal with it accordingly. Every one of us has one life and I tend to think that that life shouldn't be shrouded in a lie.

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^ I also agree with MF that there canNOT be a hard and fast rule that govern over all human behavior. It has to be more of a "case-by-case" thing bc what's right for one situation might not be right for another.

 

Even though I understand why people are advising the OP not to tell her husband, I dont know if I agree that this man, her husband, is actually SO fragile that he must be protected/shielded from this information.

 

He is not a child. He is not her dependent. He is a grown man with mental faculties intact. Shouldnt HE decide what HE wants to do with his relationship with his wife based on full disclosure of information pertaining to HIS marriage??

 

The OP decided all on her own that she wanted a fling. And she made that decision by herself, even though her actions would impact not only her life but that of her spouse's.

 

And just because *SHE* says that he is clingy does NOT necessary make him clingy -- that is simply HER perception of him and honestly she doesnt come accross as all that trustworthy to me. She made a bald-faced lie to her husband without batting an eyelash.

 

She panicked bc of the comments about STDs and if she caught it, she knew she would have to own up to what she actually did, when she only wants to sweep everything under the rug and act as if nothing happened.

 

Ultimately, what I am irked by the most is that she, under the guise of being *considerate* of her "poor" husband's feelings, is not taking ownership of her HUGE mistake, which she gets to justify with "oh well I want to protect my husband from the pain." If she wanted to spare him from the pain, she wouldnt have done what she did.

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Once again the selfish actions are lessoned by some. It is true a cheater has a soul but what kind? Shades of black I would think.

Do not redirect yourself to become the wife your husband wants you to be. Redirect yourself to be the person that would not betray the man that has been with you all these years through everything. You need to figure out why you thought it was okay to premeditate this betrayal. You have been planning it for some time and it appears you have little or no remorse, unless of course he finds out.

 

Lastly: There is NEVER a reason for cheating, just excuses.......

 

Lost

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there is not one person alive who has not done one thing or another to hurt someone they love..we all have made gross misjudgements at some point.. and Ill put my hand up and say I have..No I have never cheated on a partner and never will..having said that I have been cheated on in all 3 of my only long term relationships..Am i bitter ..no..in fact I have offered some sense of support here..and coming from me thats big with my own personal history. I have been that loving loyal partner like the husband is in this post and discovering cheating is the worst pain and heartache i would wish on anyone, it can shape who we become if we dont deal with it properly..I would hate this man to go through this becasue I believe there is some obvious remorse here but misunderstood quirky humour by newlife for me, that has gone over peoples heads,...Do not tell him..tell him about your indiscretions online if you so wish but leave the Bart bit out...it will be soul destroying. you can live with it, of course you can..he may not..at least not in a healthy sound fashion...Im sure this mistake will not be repeated while ever this marriage remains in tact.. We can all lose our sensaibilites at times, throw caution to the wind, act on a whim, do something unpredictable, unacceptable...whatever that me be...and yes i firmly believe cheating is unacceptable and a truly cowardly rotten thing to do to a loved one..but its done..the mistake is made...I do not feel putting this man through the turmoil of emotions would be in his best interests ...he may have a right to know in some respects, but for what at the end of the day. he already loves his wife to pieces and wants to be with her forever > WHY would you turn his world upside down in this post particularly...yes she made a huge mistake and knows it...and often unforgivable mistake in many relationships...I think he would be likely to stay regardless...but he would never be that secure loving husband for a long time if he were to know, he would be devastated, broken, distrusting, insecure, anxious, lacking sleep and appetite, dont fill his basket with these things....I think you should move forward from this and should you ever feel the need to escape this marriage Im sure you would end it before you undertook another relationship..I believe your lesson is learnt... forgive yourself and concentrate on what you can do to revive this marriage There are no guarentees in love and life and all come with risks and mistakes are made...Sometimes people should be spared the suffering and grief of other peoples mistakes.. and I think this is one of them...

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^ The OP decided all on her own that she wanted a fling. And she made that decision by herself, even though her actions would impact not only her life but that of her spouse's.

 

Ultimately, what I am irked by the most is that she, under the guise of being *considerate* of her "poor" husband's feelings, is not taking ownership of her HUGE mistake, which she gets to justify with "oh well I want to protect my husband from the pain." If she wanted to spare him from the pain, she wouldnt have done what she did.

 

Its nice to be considerate now of his feelings. But what about before the betrayal? This is delusion and self-deception. It is nothing but an excuse to escape the responsibility for actions taken and is the logic of a child.

 

Tell the man. Be a grownup. Be truthful with yourself most of all.

 

 

Raoul

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I find that cheaters tend to underestimate the ability of their partner, the victim, to overcome grief. To keep a lie that will, and I must stress, will come out a secret under the guise of protection seems a bit misplaced. Where was their concern prior and during the actual act or, in the case of emotional cheating, the discourse? To do something harmful to one's partner then claim they care about them to avoid telling them simply doesn't make sense as anything than an excuse for if you cared so much you wouldn't have made the decision to seek out other men, the decision to stay another night, the decision to see a man that you picked out of a group.

 

The decision was self-centered each and every time and this decision is no different.

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To keep a lie that will, and I must stress, will come out a secret under the guise of protection seems a bit misplaced.

I've seen studies that indicate roughly 50% of people (in the US IIRC) have cheated at some point on their spouse. I would guess that the vast majority of this is undetected.

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to be safe and not take the other guy's word for it that he doesn't have any diseases. I have made an appointment at my gynecologist's office tomorrow for an exam and testing. And I'm embarrassed as hell to have to go there for STD testing and admission of my indiscretion, too. When you play with fire, you get burned.

 

Oh, what amounted to just oral sex (and even without ejaculation orally), what a can of worms I have opened up....

 

](*,)

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to be safe and not take the other guy's word for it that he doesn't have any diseases. I have made an appointment at my gynecologist's office tomorrow for an exam and testing. And I'm embarrassed as hell to have to go there for STD testing and admission of my indiscretion, too. When you play with fire, you get burned.

 

Oh, what amounted to just oral sex (and even without ejaculation orally), what a can of worms I have opened up....

 

](*,)

While I agree with others that you should get tested, I don't think you need to be too nervous about the tests themselves - the odds of contracting an STD from a single act of unprotected oral sex with someone who appears to not be in a high-risk group (gay/bi men, IV drug users, etc.) are very low.

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I've seen studies that indicate roughly 50% of people (in the US IIRC) have cheated at some point on their spouse. I would guess that the vast majority of this is undetected.

 

Misplaced meaning that the act and the "claimed" reason don't fit; ie mismatched.

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To keep a lie that will, and I must stress, will come out a secret under the guise of protection seems a bit misplaced.

 

I've seen studies that indicate roughly 50% of people (in the US IIRC) have cheated at some point on their spouse. I would guess that the vast majority of this is undetected.

 

Misplaced meaning that the act and the "claimed" reason don't fit; ie mismatched.

My response was in reference to the first part of your sentence (now bolded).

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if you dont feel bad about this then you should be interested in seriously evaluating why.

 

if you are no longer in love with your husband or care for his feelings to the point where you can decieve him like this and not feel remorse or regret, and just see this as a 'right of passage' i'd say that this goose is cooked.

 

it would be in both of your best interests for you to come clean and leave.

 

unless he of course supports you in all ways, then i could see why you wouldnt want to... and in that case... well when you said 'it wasnt in my charachter' then upon this you should see that it actually is.

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My response was in reference to the first part of your sentence (now bolded).

 

Surveys only tell the state of things at that moment. It gives no bearings on the "what will". People find out and sometimes the victim keeps it quiet they've found out keeping the cheater unaware until a date where the knowledge becomes useful or if they forgive wholly and let it rest.

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it would be in both of your best interests for you to come clean and leave, unless he of course supports you in all ways

 

I am sorry to be repetitive but I agree with EQD; if your husband loves you and is willing to forgive you, he will be hurt but will stay and be committed to working on the already-damaged relationship.

 

You have already robbed your husband of the integrity of your marriage; dont rob him of his chance to make his own decision about his own life.

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if you dont feel bad about this then you should be interested in seriously evaluating why.

 

if you are no longer in love with your husband or care for his feelings to the point where you can decieve him like this and not feel remorse or regret, and just see this as a 'right of passage' i'd say that this goose is cooked.

 

it would be in both of your best interests for you to come clean and leave.

 

unless he of course supports you in all ways, then i could see why you wouldnt want to... and in that case... well when you said 'it wasnt in my charachter' then upon this you should see that it actually is.

 

I DO FEEL badly about this, now, after the fact and am looking back on it in extreme remorse. I wish I could take it all back. But it's too late. I would highly recommend someone NOT take this route if dissatisfied with their relationship........

 

Yet I DO still hesitate about coming clean and leaving. For I fear that if I came clean, he STILL (because of the ever-present fear he has of being alone, plus his fear of financial losses of divorce) would suck it up and keep me around, with the appearance of a happy marriage to others and for our family's sake, yet with his crushed soul underneath and all trust lost, too....and suspicion at an all-time high every time I go somewhere. I already KNOW that I will NEVER do anything like this again--I have definitely learned my lesson, so I still hesitate to see what benefit that full disclosure would have in our situation.

 

Yes, honesty is nice.....but it also can be crippling. If the shoe were on the other foot and my husband had stepped out, and I were as dependent on him as he is on me for happiness--I think that as long as any chance of STDs were eliminated and it was a one-time thing and never going to happen again, with the lesson learned and a husband who was going to return to being the husband I had been wanting emotionally for a long time, I really, really don't think I would want to know about the "fling." It would force me (by society peer pressure) to make a choice that I might really not want to make and ruin our family unit forever.

 

Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss?

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Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss?

 

I find that this statement is usually stated by the person assuming what another will feel about something. Would he want to know? Do not assume this, find out. If he would want to know, do not delude yourself into thinking that you are doing him a favour or protecting him by not telling him, you aren't, just protecting your own interests.

 

If your relationship is as you state, then you need to get to the root of the causes of your displeasure and why he is so dependant on you. If this is driving you away, then it needs to be rectified. As for the 100% disclosure, sure there are all sorts of stats on the subject, but I've read on another site about how former WS couldn't keep the secret, it was literally rotting them from the inside out. It's your call, however, Ive also seen a FWS state it's better to come clean than to get found out.

 

You have far less credibility if they figure it out rather than if you tell them.

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Citing 50% cheating statistics that support the understanding or ubiquity of infidelity. This makes it okay to cheat?

 

This logic reminds me of a print behind on the of my graduate school statistics professors that said: "Eat s***. Billions of flies can't be wrong."

 

Puh-lese!

 

Raoul

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Citing 50% cheating statistics that support the understanding or ubiquity of infidelity. This makes it okay to cheat?

 

This logic reminds me of a print behind on the of my graduate school statistics professors that said: "Eat s***. Billions of flies can't be wrong."

 

Puh-lese!

 

Raoul

I suggest you re-read that post, this time in context and with some comprehension.

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I suggest you re-read that post, this time in context and with some comprehension.

 

 

Yes, I agree. Read what he said again. It's not as if he is condoning what she did. Goodness.

 

I am very concerned that the OP has shared germs with this other man and had sex with her husband since that. That is one of the main reasons I don't believe he will ever forgive her if she admits this.

 

If anything, I would just ask for a divorce and be done with it. I really can't see this turning out for the good if you stay together. But I don't know if you should tell him what you did unless you want to risk being hurt physically. The most meek of men have been known to do some horrendous things after discovering infidelity. Seriously, after 25 years, I would never be able to admit to my husband if I did that. I know I wouldn't. This is a serious mess you are in, very serious.

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