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Well, I did it tonight--I Cheated on my Husband


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For the past three years especially, since the time our kids have gotten older and gone off to college/gotten married and we've faced empty nest syndrome, I have had this overwhelming gnawing feeling ever present of whether I truly wanted to stay married to my husband for the rest of my life. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary last month, but I really don't feel that I am in love with him anymore. I have daydreamed of what it would be like to be with another man (since he was my first and only and I was a virgin when I met him)....and I do feel a little cheated in that department, as he has never been that great of a lover and he has always made fun of his own "small size." I wouldn't have really known any better all these years, but for his own insecurities about it, truly.

 

Anyway, all of the above has made me have a "grass is greener" syndrome about what life might be like if I weren't with him anymore and were free to find someone else with more in common with me, perhaps. This has made me susceptible in the past to Yahoo IM "friendships" with men who approach me on MySpace and such, if you look at my past posts from last year and such. As of the last couple of weeks, it has escalated....I discovered Craigslist and became Yahoo "friends" with a couple of married men looking for married women to be "pen pals or more...," telling myself the whole time I would just flirt with them on Yahoo and never actually meet up with them. We have just become chat buddies....although it has escalated to exchanging pictures and the men of course wanting to meet and rendezvous. I put them off.....because I'm married and, of course, it would be wrong.

 

Fast forward to this current weekend. I was going away for a "girls" weekend with some friends to the other side of the state, except the other girls were only staying one night, and I planned on staying a second night by myself just for some "me time." I don't quite know what got into me, but the morning that I was to leave I actually posted an ad on Craigslist advertising that I would be visiting in that area overnight Sat. night and would be interested in "no strings attached" sex with a man who was basically well endowed....and for anyone to contact me if interested. I had a mailbox full in no time, along with pictures of their "members".....wow.

 

This all sounds so very, very bad. And it really is so totally out of character for me.....it truly is. I think in the back of my mind, I was thinking that this was something that I perhaps had to do (have sex with someone else finally in my life) to get the obsession out of my mind and make me appreciate what I have.....and get on with my life. And the fact that it happened while I was out of town and hubby would never have to know would be just icing on the cake.

 

Well, I selected someone. He backed out because he was married and he had second thoughts and didn't want it to ruin his marriage; no problem. I was just about to select another man who seemed very gentlemanly by his response, when another man e-mailed me and we started a conversation by Yahoo. After talking on Yahoo for a little bit, he seemed very nice and intelligent, his picture seemed acceptable, so we set up a "date" time for him to come to the inn and meet me in the general living area at first.

 

Here's the thing: After all the buildup in my mind these past few years of what it would be like with another man.....here's what it was. He was shorter and fatter than his picture showed. His penis seemed smaller than the dimensions that he had reported in his initial email (and smaller than my husband's and it wouldn't stay hard. We kissed and did plenty of oral activity, but we never did actually have intercourse.........so does it still count as cheating?

 

So, I think God may have had the last laugh here....the big letdown after the big expectation of grand things........and now I've been unfaithful to my husband after 25 years of marriage. But it still seems to me that it was almost a rite of passage that I felt I had to go through, so I'm not all that remorseful about it, if the truth be known.

 

Okay, give it to me. I'm ready.

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welcome to enotalone. yes, you did cheat, sorry, just because there was no penetrative sex, you don't get a free pass!

 

next, yes, as a person who has been doing online dating for a few years, i can assure you, most people lie or er.... exaggerate about themselves. when a guy tells me he is 5'10" online, then i know he is actually 5'8". and lots of people use non-recent photos.

 

anyways, sorry that the experience wasn't more fulfilling for you, but yeah, i guess that was your karma.

 

maybe you and your husband can try to work on reconnecting? i don't really think that the grass is always greener on the other side. 25 years of togetherness should count for a lot. maybe you two can spice things up again? good luck

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We just had our 29th anniversary, my wife loves me more then anything. I have been, aloof and withdrawn lately. My daughter leaves next Sunday for another state. It will be her mom and me alone. It has scared the heck out of me. I feel the same way as you did. But I have not taken the step of contacting any women. You asked if what you did was cheating. Ask your husband, I am sure he will tell you whether its cheating or not. I can't cast stones, because I have been white knuckling, trying not to cheat on her. I am not arrogant, but I am very attractive and have a body better then men half my age. So I can completely identify with you. Please continue to post, as what happens now (after cheating) and how you feel is very important to me. Thank you for being so candid. The big question is, are you going to do it again?

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If it helps, we did ask each other ahead of time if the other was a Craigslist Killer, and each denied it.

 

Well of course anyone would deny that.....

 

I don't think you should string your husband along, maybe it's time for divorce?

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I have had this overwhelming gnawing feeling ever present of whether I truly wanted to stay married to my husband for the rest of my life. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary last month, but I really don't feel that I am in love with him anymore.

 

a real marriage has highs and lows, as i'm sure you know, but may have forgotten.

I have daydreamed of what it would be like to be with another man (since he was my first and only and I was a virgin when I met him)....and I do feel a little cheated in that department, as he has never been that great of a lover and he has always made fun of his own "small size." I wouldn't have really known any better all these years, but for his own insecurities about it, truly.

 

if he is so insecure, its unfortunate you two never thought to have him see a therapist, it might have helped. a lot of people go through life insecure, but they don't have to. there are ways to get help.

 

Anyway, all of the above has made me have a "grass is greener" syndrome about what life might be like if I weren't with him anymore and were free to find someone else with more in common with me, perhaps.

 

no, you choose to be like that. your husband's behavior may make you unhappy, but how you respond to it is your decision. you have to be an adult and make a decision or you're never be happy. either be with your husband, or divorce him and try to find this greener grass you seek.

 

I planned on staying a second night by myself just for some "me time." I don't quite know what got into me, but the morning that I was to leave I actually posted an ad on Craigslist advertising that I would be visiting in that area overnight Sat. night and would be interested in "no strings attached" sex with a man who was basically well endowed....and for anyone to contact me if interested. I had a mailbox full in no time, along with pictures of their "members".....wow.

 

This all sounds so very, very bad. And it really is so totally out of character for me.....it truly is.

 

I'm not sure I believe you, as you already said you've been having online flings for some time. This is just the first time you attempted to escalate it into the physical world. emotional cheating is still cheating.

 

I think in the back of my mind, I was thinking that this was something that I perhaps had to do (have sex with someone else finally in my life) to get the obsession out of my mind and make me appreciate what I have.....and get on with my life. And the fact that it happened while I was out of town and hubby would never have to know would be just icing on the cake.

 

Wow. You should reread that and pretend someone your husband wrote it and see how you feel.

 

does it still count as cheating?

 

Yes.

 

So, I think God may have had the last laugh here....the big letdown after the big expectation of grand things........and now I've been unfaithful to my husband after 25 years of marriage. But it still seems to me that it was almost a rite of passage that I felt I had to go through, so I'm not all that remorseful about it, if the truth be known.

 

Okay, give it to me. I'm ready.

 

You're not remorseful about it. You'll do it again. If you care anything at all for the man you've lived with for 25 years, you'll tell him right now, and pack your bags and get out of his house.

 

And maybe, if he's a fool, and you're lucky, he'll forgive you and you two can work on your real problems instead of throwing away the life you built over almost 3 decades.

 

You're not a child. Make a decision, one way or the other, and live with it.

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Ofcourse it is cheating, and if you don't feel one ounce of remorse then I also think you are extremely lacking in the morals department. My opinion ofcourse. I'm not judging becuase there is only ONE judge.

 

I too did some of the same things as you when I was married. Mine never got to that extreme, but I talked to, be"friended", and shared photos, but never met anyone while I was married. To me it was the worst thing in my life I had ever done, and I begged, pleaded for forgiveness. Not from my then husband so much (because he had done some of the same things, save for the photos to my knowledge), but from God. And I know I got that forgiveness.

 

Im not preaching just sharing my story. I do hope that you find some resolve in this horrible situation.

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And like your situation, Abouttime, my husband loves me MUCH more than I love him.....almost clingy so. "Did you miss me today?" "I love you! (every time he turns around)....it really is a turnoff to me, because it shows me his insecurities more than anything else. Deep down, he's scared he's going to lose me (because we've had our problems in the past), and even he admits he's "Needy." Reminds me of a little boy. Yet he tells me how pretty I am and how beautiful his friends have commented to him that they think I am (and I was never one to have a lot of self-esteem in the looks department, ha ha)......and that coupled with the reactions when the men online have gotten my picture when I traded with them have.....unleashed a crazed animal wondering what the heck I'm doing with him, when I could have possibly so much more? So, I hear ya there in that department...

 

And will I do it again? Hmmm. You know, sometimes part of me thinks I'm doing this risky behavior so that I'll get caught by my husband and then HE'LL divorce me..........and I won't have to be the one to confront the issue and tell him I'm not happy. I think he's already suspicious lately of all the time I've been on the computer late at night doing the Yahoo IM chats with the guys I was talking to.......he'd make comments like, "Who are you talking to on there, your boyfriend?" Which, of course, only makes him MORE insecure and act like a little needy boy.....and the circle continues.

 

I guess things would be better if I could just be honest with him and tell him how I've truly been feeling for sooooo long now......but it would crush him.

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And will I do it again? Hmmm. You know, sometimes part of me thinks I'm doing this risky behavior so that I'll get caught by my husband and then HE'LL divorce me..........and I won't have to be the one to confront the issue and tell him I'm not happy. I think he's already suspicious lately of all the time I've been on the computer late at night doing the Yahoo IM chats with the guys I was talking to.......he'd make comments like, "Who are you talking to on there, your boyfriend?" Which, of course, only makes him MORE insecure and act like a little needy boy.....and the circle continues.

 

I guess things would be better if I could just be honest with him and tell him how I've truly been feeling for sooooo long now......but it would crush him.

 

Whether he loves you more than you love him or not....you are married and you owe it to him to be upfront. To be promiscuous and then let him just find out will be soul destroying and you could ruin his life. I know of a couple this happened to and the fella committed suicide. Even if he is being "needy", he doesn't deserve that. At least let him retain some of his dignity and come clean, even if it means you lose face. After you, you are the one commiting infidelity.

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I think you should talk to a real marriage counsellor, rather than this board

 

I guess things would be better if I could just be honest with him and tell him how I've truly been feeling for sooooo long now......but it would crush him.

It's better to tell him than cheat on him..

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Whether he loves you more than you love him or not....you are married and you owe it to him to be upfront. To be promiscuous and then let him just find out will be soul destroying and you could ruin his life. I know of a couple this happened to and the fella committed suicide. Even if he is being "needy", he doesn't deserve that. At least let him retain some of his dignity and come clean, even if it means you lose face. After you, you are the one commiting infidelity.

Given what she's written about her husband, telling him *is* going to ruin his life.

 

IMO, better to either not say anything and stay with him w/o cheating again (this route requires couples counseling), or divorce him and go get yourself some manmeat ( but w/o telling him about the infidelity. As insecure as he is now, imagine how he'll be after finding out his wife cheated with the intention trying to find a hung guy?

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Given what she's written about her husband, telling him *is* going to ruin his life.

 

IMO, better to either not say anything and stay with him w/o cheating again (this route requires couples counseling), or divorce him and go get yourself some manmeat ( but w/o telling him about the infidelity. As insecure as he is now, imagine how he'll be after finding out his wife cheated with the intention trying to find a hung guy?

 

Lieing to someone to protect them never turns out well.

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Hi, I truly mean no disrespect whatsoever, but, most women would love to have a husband, who after 25 years of marriage, tells his wife how much he loves her and how beautiful he thinks she is...

 

You call it insecurity...ever thought that he truly feels this way? Ever thought that maybe he has come to realize just how much he loves and adores you? Maybe he doesn't realize that you no longer have the same spark for him as he does for you.

 

I'm sorry, but your story makes me very, very sad. Like I said, I mean no disrspect...but I always feel sorry for the person who is being cheated on...maybe because I have been there and done that, and being the one who is cheated on, well, it just plain sucks.

 

I do wish you peace in your heart. I hope you find it, and I hope you find it without hurting your husband, of 25 yrs, any more than you already have

 

God Bless...

 

Tech

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