Who's the bad one? Me or him?

[Mandy23]

Hi everyone. Looking for any advice especially from the male perspective! I have dated the same great great gut for 8 yrs. We started dating really young (mid teens) and had a really strong healthy relationship. We have been talking about getting married, kids a home the whole thing. This past year we really started looking into houses. He seemed really excited about it and so was I.

Then he started acting differently. I can only describe it is indifferent and even resentful sometimes. He had started a new job, so had I ,and I figured he was just stressed from work and all the changes. To make a loooooong story short he broke up with me. Said I was the perfect gf and that he was being selfish. He said that he didn't want to have any obligations to anyone and that he had never had a chance to be on his own and be his own guy. He went on the say that it had nothing to do with seeing other people and that if he wanted to be in a relationship with anyone it would be me.

So yeah two weeks later he moved out on his own. I was devastated and kept calling and doing all the things a guy who needs space wants right? Ugh.

It has been two months. He keeps telling me that he just dosen't know and can't see any type of romantic relationship in his future. Says that he misses us and still has moments every day when he thinks "why am I doing this, she should be here" but that he needs to do this for himself. Says he dosen't want me to wait for him because it's selfish but that he still cares about me very very much and that he needs time and some space. Says it would hurt him if I started dating but also that it breaks his heart that I'm so upset and that he would rather anything than me being unhappy.

Adamant that nothing is going on that with op and that he can't even imagine being with anyone else. That I'm still the most beautiful girl he ever known inside and out and that he respects me enough that if anything was ever about to happen he would tell me before it did.

I also have to mention that despite needing space and all he has answered every call and shown up every time I asked. Then when I ask him if he still loves me he says "why do you think I'm still here, you are driving me crazy but I'm not going anywhere"

I dont know what to think. I mean can you really love someone but not want a relationship period? I know that he is trying to find himself but if he really loved me would he have left? I'm afraid if I give him space we will drift apart. He swears up and down if he didn't hear from me for three days he would call like crazy and that he "dosen't even know whats going on". Any input, could he still really love me? I miss him so much.

[loulee]

Quote;;He swears up and down if he didn't hear from me for three days he would call like crazy

make him go crazy....he is confused..make him live his wants of being on his own for now without you in the picture..its the only way decisions will get made about your futures...he has to really live one and really lose another to see clearly if he has made sound choices...and perhaps you should use this time wisely also and reassess what you really want for yourself.... and you need to do this without fear of abandonment...

[WomanWriter]

The same exact thing (almost) happened between me and my ex. I don't think it's a matter of someone being the bad one or good one...it's just that it's what he wants and it's not compatible with what you want.

 

I think you should go into NC. My ex will also respond when I contact him but won't initiate himself. I think our ex's want their cake and to eat it too.

 

It seems like he really cares for you and I feel my ex feels the same about me. But essentially, they are cutting us out after all that time (for me 7 years, you 8 years). That's a long relationship to be giving up for no apparent reason other than wanting to be free.

 

I think they do love us in a sense, but not as actively as we love them. If they did, they wouldn't want to be free...they wouldn't see us as restraining their freedom!

 

So I think you'll have to give him up. Let him miss you. Sadly, though, they may learn they love their freedom too much. I think my ex is having the time of his life playing videogames 24/7 (he also dropped out of school). He is probably so happy to have me (his guilty conscience) off his back that he wonders why he didn't try the bachelor thing before.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but from what I've heard many guys go through this stage and there seems to be nothing we can do about it except give them ALL the space they want...and THEN some!

[Pixiedoc]

This is very wise, and very accurate. Sometimes guys in this position say something else as well - 'Maybe we will meet up in a few years' or get back together in a few years.

 

No matter whether or not he thinks he's made a mistake in ending it, those regrets aren't enough to make him change his mind. He knows how much he's hurting you (and hurting himself too), but that's not enough either.

 

I agree with WomanWriter that you should give yourself a break and try to create a life without him as this is obviously very painful for you right now. Tell him if you want NC and I'm sure he will respect it.

 

BTW, not to get your hopes up and you'll probably have moved on by then, but I do know a few people who split, went their separate ways and became independent, mature individuals and after 5 or even more years decided they had 'sampled' life and realised they wanted each other back. 2 couples I know are still going strong. Good luck.