When or if to send...

[chewy21]

I wanted to post a letter I've just written to my ex-fiancee. Some of you who read my previous thread may recall that she left me in order to resolve her clinical depression, and felt that she couldn't handle working on that and a relationship at the same time.

 

I do not know when or if I'll send this, but I wanted to share my thoughts and see if I could get some advice on the matter from all of you. I'm extremely receptive to any commentary, so please post your thoughts.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

Last night at home. Hard to believe I won't be retiring from my

computer desk to head into our bedroom to sleep again. From now on,

it'll be the room I'm borrowing from my mom, and no one will share the

space with me. It's really painful. I liked it here, but I liked it

because you were here.

 

If someone had asked me a week ago if I thought you were unhappy in

this relationship, I would have said "hell no." You always went on

about how happy you were with me. That's why it comes as such a shock

that you suddenly weren't.

 

I really have lost everything important to me. I lost my freedom. I

lost my independence. I lost the chance of finishing my education

within the next two years. But the most important thing I lost was

your love, baby. The other things can be restored in some form, but

I'll never replace that wonderful, comfortable, enveloping, forgiving,

understanding, and euphoric love we shared. I still can't fully let it

go.

 

I know the healthy thing to do is to get on with life, to live for

myself, and to let any chance of a reuinion with you be decided at a

later time; a time when you're healthy and I've learned not to take

for granted what's most precious to me. Yes, baby, I have work to do

as well. I realize that it wasn't just you who kept us from being

happy. I'm also to blame, and I plan to rectify those problems. While

it would be nice to have some guidance from you about what I need to

work on, I know that it's not possible or practical right now.

 

I need you to know that I never wanted to change you to make you more

like what I wanted you to be. It was never that selfish. I hated that

you had to go through life with these problems, and in an attempt to

help, I tried to help you become a more balanced person, a more

complete person, hoping that if I could just get you in the habit of

doing these things that the reasons for doing them would become clear

afterward. I was wrong. I was wrong about alot of things. I never,

ever meant to hurt you.

 

I also need to work on my anger. Every time we got into a fight, I let

my anger get the best of me. Part of me wants to blame it on the

frustration and stress of dealing with your depression. However, I

know that simply placing the blame on your depression is no way of

solving the problem. I don't want to be capable of getting that angry

ever again. The night you left is a prime example of how my anger

could completely destroy me, because I very well could have destroyed

your image of me. It still bothers me, and I want to clarify this

because it's important: I DO NOT think what I said about you that night. I DO

NOT resent you for making the choice you made. I respect you for being

stronger than I could ever have been and making a decision I could

never have made.

 

I sincerely hope we're able to reunite one day. If we take away the

problems we both brought to the relationship, then what we had was

definitely worth saving. If a reunion between us does occur, though, I

will fully expect to have to work at it. I've been lazy in the past

with you because I was happy. Now I realize that what I did was take

you for granted because I felt that I didn't have to work at it.

You've started me on the path to changing for the better. I realize

what must be done, and now all I have to do is do it. Thank you for

that.

 

So this is the hard part: Goodbye. Goodbye to our home. Goodbye to our

life. Goodbye to our future. And goodbye to you, my love, at least for

now. I wish you nothing but the very best until we meet again, because

you deserve nothing less. Always remember that you are an

extraordinary person who is capable of doing anything you want to do.

And always remember that there is someone out there who loves you and

is on your side no matter what.

 

Eternally Yours,

Chewy

[nem69]

Well if it will give you closure send it but make sure that if you do get a reply that you do not keep up correspondence. I would add in the last paragraph that there will be no more communication so it is clear.

Actually I sent a goodbye letter to my ex just to say what i felt and that i was not going to be hanging around.

[Pixiedoc]

I'm really sorry to say this but that made me cringe.

 

You are putting yourself and your heart ENTIRELY on the line here and blaming yourself for absolutely everything that went wrong in the relationship. Asking for her to tell you how to change yourself is SO wrong! You might as well lie down and let her walk all over you and put a dog collar on you.

 

PLEASE DON'T SEND THIS!!!

 

Brutally honest opinion - it will make you look weak, dependent and you have totally given over control to her.

 

It makes it sound like you have no life without her, and that is incredibly unattractive to ANYONE, especially someone who you still love.

 

Be assertive and either don't get in touch at all or say something like 'hope you are well, sorry it didn't work out and all the best for the future, goodbye'. End of.

 

Sorry to be so honest but you said that's what you wanted, and as a female NOTHING would turn me off more than that letter.

[chewy21]

No, thank you for being honest Pixiedoc, that's what I need.

 

It is surprising to me that as a female this letter makes you cringe, because this is how I really feel. I made it a point not to blame myself, but I felt it was only fair to be honest with her and let her know that I have things to work on as well. Seeing as how I'm hoping to get together with her again once she's healthy, I didn't see asking for her advice on what to change as a negative thing. I can definitely see you point after reading what you wrote, though.

 

Yeah, it was a long sad letter, and reading over it after sleeping on it, I can tell that the only thing on my mind was getting her back. I think I'm inching more toward going NC, at least until she contacts me. What worries me is that because she's depressed (and now hurting because of our breakup, especially) she always sees the negative in things. I'm afraid she'll see my NC as hurtful and start to wonder if I ever really loved her. I don't want that at all, because I'm not like that at all. Any time we've had problems in the past, I've always come to her and talked to her about them. It wouldn't be like me to just stop talking to her altogether; it would feel forced on my end and lead to false assumptions on hers. I do know that she needs space, however, so what I may do is just contact her maybe once a week or so. I'd mix up the days so that she would never know when it was going to be (so that she can't plan to "get her fix", you know). But that would allow me to continue being supportive while also giving her the space she needs.

 

I really don't know what to do, because I still don't want to lose her for good. It's unhealthy, I know.

 

I highly doubt I will send this. Not before I think on it a while and heavily revise, anyway. I just needed to get some of this out last night because it was the last night I would be spending in what was our home and I was very emotional. Maybe this is just a stage I'm going through, as much as I don't want to admit it. I've always been open and honest about my feelings, and that's what I'm doing now, even though they might just be caused by confusion over all of this.

 

So I really thank you for being so honest, Pixiedoc, and thank you too, nem. I know what you shared was good advice, but the plan for me (for now) is to do just that: stick around. It will be incredibly hard, but I'll be with people who love me and will give me the support I need to get through it. I can take the pain that goes along with waiting for her, but what I couldn't take is the regret that would come with feeling like I could have done more.

 

Thanks for your advice. I'm definitely not going to send this letter.

[Pixiedoc]

It's a lovely, caring, heartfelt letter and for someone who is clear about the fact that she loves you it would honestly bring her running back into your arms o.k.?

 

But depressives don't feel like that (I know you know this). She could read it and ignore it totally or throw it in the bin and not feel anything. That would be incredibly hurtful but a symptom of the depression.

 

Hold onto it and keep it for IF or WHEN she gets herself back together.

 

She couldn't wish for a more supportive person, but you have to have give and take and some understanding from her that her illness causes her to be incredibly hurtful AND an assurance that she will ALWAYS take her meds for her sake and others around her...and so on.

 

Hang in there, and remember you are NOT responsible for her, just that part of a relationship that she will let you in on.

 

And believe me, it's very hard hanging in there for the short periods of time when things are o.k., over a long period of time it wears you down.

 

You sound like a lovely person so just let her know you are there for when she's ready, right? She won't think you don't care, you've made it really obvious so many times that you do. When she gets out of that dark tunnel I think she will seek you out. But in the meantime, don't get dragged down there with her and seek some comparative lightness in your life.

 

Take care x

[WomanWriter]

To take an opposite view, I think the letter is really heartfelt and honest. I would appreciate a letter like this from a man I care about. Then again, I'm a woman dumpee so maybe my opinion doesn't count. I guess if the dumper was the one sending this, it would make more of an impact.

 

I think you should wait a while to send it and, perhaps, revise it. Maybe don't take 100 percent responsibility for the problems. You can let her know that you made mistakes, but ultimately her depression was unhealthy. I think I made the mistake by letting my ex think everything was my fault. He projected things onto me and I accepted them. Don't make the same mistake!

 

At the same time, I think if you shortened the letter and just stuck to a few of the really most important things you want to say, it will be better.

 

But in all honesty, if my ex sent me this letter, I'd feel so much love and respect for him! Then again, I'm the dumpee, like you. Dumpees aren't in a position to express ourselves because we have been dumped. That responsibility should really be that of the dumper, unfortunately.

[chewy21]

Thanks again, Pixiedoc. Your words are incredibly wise.

 

I think that's something I'd do well to work on accepting: that I'm not responsible for her. After trying so hard and so long to help her in any way possible, I made her problem my problem, and took on the responsibility of fixing it. But you're right. Being Superman wouldn't help me if she wasn't willing to work on it herself.

 

I will hang on to this, and possibly send it to her when we resume our communication after she's recovered.

 

Also, thank you, womanwriter, for the very kind words. It's very very hard for me to keep from contacting her. I realize I'm in the throes of an addiction to her, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier.

 

I really think the best thing for me to do is wait for her to contact me. It gets harder every day that she doesn't, but I have to be strong and stick it out if we're to have a chance at getting back together. I need to do what I offered to do in the first place and just completely drop my expectations of her. This would be much easier to do if I knew we were just taking a break, though.

 

I also have to ask... does it really sound like I'm taking all of the blame in that letter?

 

Thanks again for your responses. The more I discuss the situation, the better I feel about it.

[Pixiedoc]

It's harder every day now but I promise it will get just that bit easier next week each day. You will also be 'propped up' by the fact that she will probably not get in touch with you. This is because SHE DOES NOT WANT TO, and/or she is in a place at the moment (and I think this is likely) where she is confused and maybe doesn't even care.

 

The letter I would say comes accross that you have realised you have to change yourself to fit in with her and that is NOT what should be happening here. The history of your relationship as you've recalled it here relates that you have made much of the effort all the way through. Taking your meds and understanding that you are making someone unhappy is not too much to ask of the other person - and she did not do that for you.

 

Your strength is what kept you together for a long time. That is why I don't think you should send the letter now, but only if you get back with her. She has to do some work here and you need to allow her to make some effort.

 

If the relationship is to continue at any point, would you not prefer that it was more 50/50? If you do all the chasing she will never need to change. She WILL come out of her depression and you need to stay strong in the meantime. Keep the letter for her if she comes back to you. Hope your weekend has not been too sad and take care.