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Need Brutally Honest Advice- Long story


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Hi- Im a long time reader first time poster. I wanted to know what everyone thinks about this girl that I have been dating for a year. Get ready to be knocked out by a wall of text. =) I will take any advice the community can give me. Thanks!


My roommate told me about a girl who went to her church. She said she wanted me to meet her and she invited her to come hang out. We all ended up going out and having a great night. We went to a club, hot tub, and 3am run to Denny's. It was great. The girl and I clicked right away and she ended up staying the night and slept in my bed. We didnt do anything just some touching and talking. She is a hot little 22 year old and Im a hot 29 year old.


The next morning she asked me for my phone number and then gave me hers. She invited me to go with her to dinner after she got out of church that night. I told her to give me a call. At dinner that night i met her sister and some of her friends from church. Her sister absolutely loved me. Everything was great for the next month. She was coming over and staying the night(no sex yet). We were doing a lot of stuff together and I was even going to church with her and met her mom. Im not nearly as religious as she is. I could tell her mom didnt like me and she didnt know i had been dating her daughter. I didnt want to be too pushy because she is very religious and has only been with 2 guys. One of those guys she was with for 5 years. He will become the problem later in the story. During the first month of dating her I learned that her BF broken up with her 3 months prior to meeting me but she said she was over it. From what I know from her and my roommates, the guy broke up with her constantly over the 5 years together because he felt bad about having sex with her and couldnt control himself with her. She was fed up with it and wanted to move on. Her parents love her ex because he is the pastors son at the church they go to. He is 27 btw. She goes to a pentecostal church. And she sees him 3-4 times a week there.




Here is where it starts to get strange. Well one night we went out and I took her to see a movie and get dinner. She plans to stay the night. We stay up all night talking making out but no sex. She offered some sexual favors but I declined seeing as its too soon and I dont want her to think thats all im about. Her phone is ringing off the hook which is strange because it never rang before. Well she tells me its her ex and he is trying to get back with her. She continues to ignore the calls. I played it cool the whole night even though the phone rang all night till 4am. We ended going to sleep and in the morning the phone started ringing again. I told her to answer it and she looks panicked. Apparently my roommates little brother told him where I live so her was waiting outside to get her. I'm pissed and jump out of bed to go out and she tells me to calm down and she will handle it. She ends up leaving to talk to him and is gone for about an hour. She comes back and I can tell she is upset. She says she is very sorry and she has to go and she will call me later. I told her ok and if there is anything she needs to call me. She thanked me for not beating the guy up kissed me got in her car and left. She didnt call me and I didnt call her all day. She finally rang me about 11pm and told me she was staying at hotel for the night because she was afraid of what her parents. What happened was for the last month she was coming to see me, she was telling her parents she was with her ex. They didnt know they were broken up. Her ex told her parents that she was with me somewhere and they made him come get her. Confusing I know. She came clean with all the details about how her parents were very very strict and that she was lying to them to see me. She also apologized for not telling me for not being completely honest with me. She said she thought about coming to see me but didnt want her parents to find out that she went back to see me. She said she will face them in the morning. She explained that her ex was very controlling in the relationship and she was his first. He had a pattern of breaking up with her for being torn between God and her. She found out that he was txting a new girl and thats really why he broke up with her the last time. She explained that this was the last time he would do this to her. She told me that she wanted to be with me. We stayed on the phone all night till morning. She didnt want me to get off the phone with her.


Well the next 2 months go by and while things were good they were never the same as before. The ex was pestering her at church and the parents were on her like a wet blanket. She managed to stay be able to see in the mornings and we would spend the afternoons together. She texted me non stop through the day and we talked on the phone all night every night. We chatted on msn and played games. Went to see movies and did the dating thing. The whole time the ex was trying to get back with her and the parents were trying to make that happen. They forbid her to see me. We went to Cali for a week together and we ended up sleeping together for the first time(it was great sex). When we got back home everything was as normal. We had sex again the following weekend.




Things started to decline after that. She went to this Weekend church retreat and came back and was uncertain about what she wanted. She knows it wrong to have sex with me and she feels guilty after. On top of that her parents found out that she went to cali with me. So I gave her space. I didnt talk to her for a week. At night she would text me she still cares about me and she does love me but its hard for her right now. I would ignore her texts. I finally gave in and text her back. We started talking again and eventually she started to come over over and have sex with me sometimes but I didnt see her as much. We still dated but it came down to seeing her 2 to 3 times per month. I wasnt even invited to her birthday dinner because she said it was an all girls thing even though one of the girls brought the guy she dated. Anyways this goes on throughout the year. She sees me when she can, the ex is still hounding her, and shes on rocky terms with her parents.




Now she is at a point where she doesn't want a relationship with anybody. She still wants to call me every night and text me through the day and sometimes have sex with me but she doesnt want to commit to me. Ive been very cool about everything. I gave her space when she needed it, always let her contact me first. I've told her that I would like to take things to the next level but she isnt ready to do that because she doesnt want to create issues at her home and at her church. I do love her and she tells me she loves me. We dont use that word very often. She flirts with me on the phone at night and we have great convos. We have a lot in common. But i guess she is just not ready even after a year. It just makes me mad that she doesnt try to see me very often anymore. Most of the time I have to wait for her to ask to see me because when ever I ask she cant because her parents or her friends want to go out. I have treated this girl with nothing but respect and loyalty. I told her the other night that I need to move on if she doesnt know what she wants after a year. I made it clear that i would like something more but it doesnt look like the timing is ever going to be right. It feels like she is just stringing me along. She said she needs to be on her own and doesnt want to be with anyone else but she isnt ready for a relationship. She said she questions everything. Mainly about if it would work out between us. How can she not know that after Dating me for a year, talking to me every single night all night long and texting through the days? I have never been pushy about it. I guess my question is why doesnt she let me go? Am I her ego booster or is there really more to this im not seeing? Should I wait for her or would you move on? I know this is long and im sorry. I just need someone to dissect this and point me in the right direction. Is calling the whole thing off the best way to go or should I just give her time? Please ask any questions and ill provide details if you need them. Thanks for the advice!

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Thanks for the reply! I agree that she has a lot of issues. I guess I just keep thinking things will go back to the way they were. I know she has a problem letting go of me which makes it hard for me to let go as well. She calls me and text me all the time. Even I go NC I eventually give in. I just need some sense talked into me. I wish it were that easy to just move on.

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What a shame, you never even got to move to the next stage of this relationship because she has such a tangled web going on.


It seems you were far more serious than she as if she saw it going anywhere she wouldn't just keep 'popping round for sex'. Oh dear.


At the age of 22 as well she is going to have to get a lot stronger and fight off her parents' influence if she is to move on and have any kind of a relationship.


You are stronger and less influenced and I agree it's time to move on entirely.

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Hmmmm, I read the whole thing and I think you ask some pivotal questions. The way I see it from an outsider's perspective is that she clearly was not over her ex when she started to date you. Add in religious beliefs about sex and her younger age, and you get a very confused soul.


However, one thing you said is key. If she is saying that she just doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone right now, my guess is that she is not the one for you. I think she is keeping you around for comfort, familiarity, security and love. I really do get the sense that she loves you, but not enough...not that eternal wanting forever type of love.


My opinion? Let her go. It will be hard, but pushing forward with the knowledge that you are taking steps to get closer to what you want, and that you are no longer wasting your time, is key. We only get one life, why waste it on someone you are seeing less and less, who told you she is confused, and from the beginning has had her heart in a different place?

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I'm gonna take a different tact than the other's here. I think she truly does want to be with you, that she does love you, but the drama that it will ALWAYS cause with her family and her ex is too much to take (I can't say I blame her). Fact of the matter is, her family will probably never accept you, and she knows it, and she is trying to preserve your feelings by not coming out with it. If its going to come down to a choice between you and her family, as religious as she is, she will always choose family. Move on, and if it becomes too difficult, stop talking to her altogether. I'm sorry for your situation, its very rough.

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She really does love you, but what you have to understand you need more than just love to make a relationship work. With her ex, parents, and church getting in the way she questions her love for you. I think she is keeping you around to see if things will eventually come together. They may or may not. But i can tell you the longer you hold its gonna become harder for you to get over her.


My suggestion is to move on but keep in touch, maybe as just friends. It may be hard but you need to be strong. Life has a way of working itself out.

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Hey everyone- Thank you for the replies. She had a conversation with her parrents when we got back from cali about me. She and her mom talked all night and she told me that she said they want her to get back with her ex and that they will never accept me. She said the ex told her parents that he wants to marry her and he was very upset that she didnt take him back this time. The ex had been saying that he was going to move to another state to get away from her. Of course he never left. I guess the dad told him to stay and that she will eventually come around. The ex said he blames me because I took her away from him. To this day she tells me that she has no intention of getting back with the guy. She said she doesnt know what Gods plan is for her if Im in her future. She wants me to be in her life but cant commit to anything more serious right now. I feel like im just being kept on the side. Her church obligations get in the way of us being able to hang out as much. She doesnt invite me to dinner after sunday church anymore and I cant go to church with her because the last time I went her parrents threw a fit and I was practically black listed. Everytime we have sex, she gets guilty and starts feeling bad and says we cant do it anymore but then weeks later she is wanting to do it again. Im confused. Im religeous too but I dont feel guilty after sex. I dont want to cause this girl problems anymore so Im not going to push the relationship further. At the same time, I dont want to wait around for because that could take years. I never thought I would of waited around this long but I have.


The last time I went complete NC for a week and she sent me a text msg late one night saying that she is going to change her number. She said her ex has been bothering her so we started talking again. Does anyone think I could ever win in this situation?

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This situation reminds me of my past relationship with my ex-wife when we were in our 20's except that neither of us was attending church. When you ask if you could ever win in this situation, a lot of it depends on your personal values. What complicates things even more is your faith. I have been a Christian for 25 years but I didn't understand what that truly meant until a few years ago. I was also 'religious' but having sex outside of marriage and not feeling any guilt over it. The question you ask really depends on what you believe in. My opinion is that you have to determine if you are going to let your faith have a say in this or if you are going to try and figure it out on your own. God doesn't really allow us to go by His rules some of the time and I found this out with all of my past relationships. The only one that worked is the new marriage I am in right now because I let Him take over. I'm not trying to persuade you in that direction. However, when you bring your faith into the equation, you can get even more confused if you don't really understand how that plays into all of this.


As for the girl, it really sounds like she is lost and tries to make everyone happy for the moment: the church, her parents, her ex, and you. My ex did all of this as well. In the process, she lost her own identity and has had a very hard time trying to find it again. If I were in your shoes, I would first figure out what place God has in your life, second decide what you are truly seeking in a relationship, third do some reading to understand what real love is (and it's not what you see on TV-sex), and fourth take a really hard look at whether you can put up with this cycle again. If she is like my ex, and it sounds like she is, you will continue to go through this the rest of your life if you stay with her.

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flskydiver-"As for the girl, it really sounds like she is lost and tries to make everyone happy for the moment: the church, her parents, her ex, and you."


This is exactly what is going on and has been for the better half of the year. But your right. Are you guys recommending I go full NC then with her? Would that be too harsh?

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Well she called me last night around 3am. I hadnt talked to her all day. I told her I was sleeping but she asked me if she could use my charger because her phone was about to die. I thought this was strange because she lives 30 min from me and it was 3 am. She said she was like 3 min away from my house. She ended sleeping over with me but we didnt have sex. Just talked. Some touching and stuff but nothing major. This is harder than I thought it would be. She knows just how to break me with desire.

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She told me about some drama that happened with her ex and that she didnt feel like going home. Her ex told her parrents some stuff. She said she had been out with her friends went to see a movie and dinner but wanted to come see me. This is the first time ive seen her in a month. We didnt have sex because its that time of the month. I could feel the thing in her thing. Why do I feel like I only get half the story about why she came over at 3am last night. Very strange.

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Look - this clearly isn't working for you and it is highly unlikely that it will. There is nothing you can do to make her change or make a decision other than walk away so she can decide, on her own, what she wants.


I would be very, very reluctant to be in a relationship with someone who is very much under her parent's influence - and even more so when they wanted her to be with someone else and disapproved of me. If she did choose you there would be a high likelihood of many years of tension and problems undermining your relationship with her and any children you may have with her.


Think this through very carefully and use your head as well as your heart.

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Agree. She' pushing your buttons still but is not willing to stand up and be decisive or assertive which effectively means you AND her ex (or current..?) are both being messed around. Don't let her in again at 3 a.m. or any other time to sleep with you - it's jus not appropriate if you're not together as a couple. And take care.

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You sound like a heck of a guy that would make a great spouse to any number of women. It's to bad her parents are hung up on that 'ex' of the girl you have been dating and don't see your potential. It sounds like the girl doesn't have enough 'ownership' of her own life yet and can't seem to 'pull the trigger' one way or another. I think she is drawn to you, but isn't free yet enough to make her own minds. Religion and family can be powerful forces and sounds like she still isn't there yet as far as having emotional maturity and independence.


It sounds kind of like a 'tweener' type relationship, where they have love for you, but for whatever reasone, it's not quit enough for them to make the necessary changes for you to be together.


The following statement by the poster might be true:


"I think she is keeping you around for comfort, familiarity, security and love. I really do get the sense that she loves you, but not enough...not that eternal wanting forever type of love...."


I've been in that type of situation where you sense they actually love you, but not quit at the 'eternal' level where they are willing to 'do whatever it takes' to make it work with you.


I would pray about it and seek God for wisdom. It might be a case where you have to explore other options. Best case senario is it's a 'timing' thing. Otherwise, you might have to move on.


It seems like when it's the right situation things tend to go smoother.


Wish you the best and best success because you do deserve the best. You seem a little more "Christ-like" then her 'ex'. To bad her family doesn't see that.

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Hi Im still here. I've been messing up lately. She came over and spent all day Mon and Tues with me and I allowed it. We messed around. She wants to come spend the night with me on Saturday but I have a date. I guess I'm hopeless when it comes to this girl. Too hard for me to go NC on her.

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