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Confused and need your help


ventman41

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Ok...so I'll try to make this as short and sweet and possible. I'm going through a divorce currently. I left my soon-to-be ex almost a year ago. After being married to her for nearly eleven years I was at rock bottom emotionally. I knew in me heart that I did not want to be married to her anymore. About that same time, I met a girl at work. At first we chatted over the instant message during work. After a few months, we had our first meeting outside work. Almost instantly she and I connected on many different levels. She was in the process of a divorce also, however her marriage lasted for only a year.

 

I moved out and we started dating. For the first several months everything was going very well. My family met her for the first time during Thanksgiving. I have two kids, ages 9 and 7. I'm 37. This was the first time they met her too. Over the next few months we began to argue. Occasionally at first, then as time progressed it became more and more.

 

Early on in our relationship, I had the sense that I wanted to be with her long-term. As time went on, I knew that after the divorce was cleared up we would get married. We both talked about marriage frequently. She and I both realized where we screwed up on our first marriages and were determined to learn from them and make this marriage work. I gave her a promise ring in January. I had never given any woman a promise ring before. But I knew that this was the woman for me...the one I wanted to spend my life with. I KNEW this. I still feel this way.

 

A month or so later she gave me a promise ring.

 

As I said earlier, As the relationship continued, we seemed to argue more and more. When I moved into my own place last June, I gave her my extra door key. She gave me her key and garage door remote. But over the past few months, arguments often ended with us giving or demanding our keys back. During a recent argument, she demanded her key back and took her promie ring off and threw it at me. A couple of weeks later we gave our rings to each other again.

 

Three weeks ago, she said she needed time for herself. During the two weeks off, we didn't see much of each other. The first couple of days we didn't talk at all. We started texting occasionally after 2-3 days. This progressed to more frequent tests and then to phone calls. After two weeks we were back together again. But this time the relationship felt different. I can't explaine what I mean other than to say that the whole thing just felt different.

 

While we were separated for the two weeks, I realized several things about myself. Among those were a couple of really important things. One is that I depended on her for my happiness rather that realizing I needed to make myself happy. Other things such as ways I can Show her I love her versus always TELLING her I love her. Other things too, bt it's too much to type now.

 

Anyway, Wednesday she called me and told me she had to, "Follow my heart." Her heart was telling her that she needed to move on. So we are now single. Looking back these are some things I think. I think she was jealous of my kids getting my attention. She felt that when the kids were with me I forgot about her. She would get pissed if I didn't text her for 2-3 hours. So I corrected that by texting her more when I had my kids. She felt like I was using her to occupy my time when my two kids weren't with me. To correct that explained to her as clearly as humanly possible that this was not the case. She didn't believe me. My position is that I needed to put my kids first during this time of going through the divorce and do whatever I could to show my kids that Daddy loves them. I didn't use her in any way, but she felt that way.

 

When I gave her the promise ring, It was my PROMISE to her that I loved her enough to marry hr and that some day I would. She had a problem with the "Some day."

 

I hope this all makes sense and that enough information was given to aid in your advice to me.

 

I feel that she expected me to change...and I did. In some ways to accommodate her. In other ways because I knew I picked up bad habits from my nearly eleven years of marriage and needed to change. I also feel that she didnt see things from my prospective...she saw things her way and that was the RIGHT way...and there was no other way but hers.

 

But the crazy thing is I still love her. I still believe things COULD work if only she was a little more understanding. As I type these words, I still have the promise ring on that she gave me. I know that's dumb, but...

 

Any and all advice is welcomed and appreciated.

 

Any and all

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She's been very selfish about your kids.

 

They come first in your life and if she can't accept this/involve herself with them too she is not mature enough for you.

 

You have bent over backwards for her and she hasn't.

 

Too much arguing is bad for your kids as well.

 

Spend your quality time with them until someone comes into your life who will understand your kids come first AND give you much more unconditional love. Requiring you to text every 2-3 hours when you're with your kids is totally unaccepable. Good luck.

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Can you juggle having a relationship with this girl at the same time you're trying to be a daddy? You may want to evaluate that situation. Sounds like you have your hands full and you're being pulled in different directions when you want to be a daddy for your kids and you can't be a boyfriend.

 

If she feels like you neglect her when you have the kids, what makes her feel that way? Do you understand why she feels this way? Do you not have as much interaction with her when you have your kids verses when you don't? How often do the 4 of you spend time together? I would be jealous also but at the same time, be understand that every minute with the kids can't be devoted to me. A simple text or a phone call throughout the evening only takes a second out of the evening.

 

As I read your forum - I keep in mind that this is your version of what is going on. So I will play the devils advocate and throw these things at you. Is she jealous - perhaps...but wouldn't you be if the roles were reversed? Can you put yourself in her shoes - you have to understand how she feels in order to put yourself in the shoes.

 

Does she understand that the kids will always come first? Has she expressed to you that she knows that? Does she bother you all the time when you have the kids? Try to take your attention off of them? Does she try to take time away from you when you have them or does she offer the unconditional love and accepts the fact that your kids are first? Does she interact with the kids? Does she show an interest in them or just an interest in you?

From what I read is that she is just requesting some acknowledge when you have the kids. I don't feel that is much to ask. Did she promote time with you and the kids? Dors she suggest ideas on things to do with them to allow you to have daddy/children time together and WITHOUT her or does she suggest things with the 4 of you in mind?

If she does - I would say she was putting the kids first and foremost before her. This could be new for her and it could be a security issue. Has she ever been in this situation before? Dating someone who has kids?

 

Do what is in YOUR heart ventman41.

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Your reply is kinda freaky> Some of the things you say, she has said in the past. It like I'm talking to her. WoW! Too strange...but thanks for the thoughts. It helps. Yu said to follow my meart. My heart says not to give up. But I'm getting tired; drained. It shouldnt be this hard!

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After re-reading your forum - you did not list how long you two have been dating - were there these jealous problems in the beginning of the your relationship also? You said that things started going sour come Thanksgiving - what started the aruging? What were most of the aruging about?

So it has been almost a year now (give or take a few months I guess) - don't all relationships start going sour around the one year mark?

Do your kids like this girl? Does your family like this girl?

I wouldn't go to the extreme of saying she is being selfish since I don't know you or her, but if she is constantly wanting your time (with or without the kids) she is being selfish. As for the drama - every relationship has drama. I'm sure your marriage did and her marriage did - it's normal. It depends on how you deal with it.

Another thing you commented on in your forum is "One is that I depended on her for my happiness rather that realizing I needed to make myself happy." You depended on her to make you happy - who was making her happy? I can sort of see why she would be jealous - again, anyone would be. It's a complicated relationship type to get involved in. You want the best for your kids and she reads like she is wanting your attention when you have the kids - again as a security issue. In a way, I guess I can see how she feels as far as "forgotten about" especially if she has your time when your kids are not with you then the time goes away when you have your children.

Do your children know you are boyfriend/girlfriend? How do they react to it? If you text her, do your children grow jealous or feel unimportant?

Just a few added things - again, do whats in your heart. I don't feel that you can get your answer from a forum - everyone is reading how your foresee the situation and can easily be one-sided because this is your side of the "drama". Follow what is deep inside your heart.

A quote from Benjamin Franklin

"Well done is better than well said. "

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I have been in this type of situation so I can relate to how this girl is feeling. The situation sounds so familiar - I was once in it.

It's not easy for someone to walk into a relationship with children involved - let alone you being just divorced. You want to ensure you are loving your children but at the same time, find love for someone else.

If you want to exchange emails, please feel free to email me email removed. Good luck - God Bless!

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I have to wonder about the emotional health of BOTH of you. You jumped straight from an 11 year marriage into this...no time alone to reflect on your marriage, on your future etc. Out of one into the next to experience all the joys of the honeymoon period. She had a marriage that lasted only a year and went straight from that to being with you. In other words, neither of you took the time to be alone and process what truly went wrong in your marriage. Sounds like both of you simply repeated the same mistakes you made in your marriages. You both didn't want to be alone so you attached to each other, called it love, when really it was just neediness on both sides...the need to not be alone...the need to have the excitement of new love. What happened was once the honeymoon period was over, each of you saw the true behaviour patterns of the other person..the behaviour patterns which contributed to the failure of the first marriage...the behaviour patterns that didn't have time to change for the better because both you jumped immediately into this relationship. I think you need to focus on yourself for a while. Focus on fixing your issues, focus on feeling comfortable alone. Forget her for now...she has her own issues to sort out if she chooses to do so.

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Hmmm, I have been in BOTH positions.

 

Firstly as a new partner of someone with kids, even if you feel a bit jealous (and most do), you absolutely can NOT show this, or try to interfere with their time with their kids. IT is selfish and has a negative effect on the kids who don't understand why this partner seems resentful of their dad and why they demand their attention.

 

Answer me this - how much time does SHE spend with you and your kids? There you have a large part of the answer to your dilemma. How does she behave with them?

 

Having had 3 partners coming into my life with MY 3 children, you cannot have someone else who is acting like a child and demanding your attention. Yes, a couple of texts is fine, but she is not competing with them, she is supposed to be giving you support.

 

Hopefully she is spending quality time with you and your children and showing herself to be caring towards them. If not BEWARE, sincerely I promise you this will have repercussions on you and your children for a long time afterwards.

 

If she is good with them, try and re-negotiate time that you spend together and apart. Yes you need to spend some time alone with her (babysitters or time that they are with their mum), but it seems she has had plenty of your attention so far. If it's not enough, you cannot afford to be pulled too much further in your direction at the expense of your kids. It's just not fair to them, and it seems you are exhausted too.

 

You know what the right thing is here.

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Yes I did make my own post since I did not end our relationship based off of text messages. My requests on the text messages have been fulfilled and it was no longer an issue.

I greatly appreciate all of the comments/views made. Thank you all! I can definitely learn from the views.

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