Am I stupid for being nervous?

[nellyfae]

I've got someone who I left about 8 months ago...he drove it that direction with statements like "all our relationship needs is oxygen, and space, and time," and "I'm such a nice guy, always tryin' to please and I end up taking on too much...somebody always gets left out," and "I'd love to try to keep in touch with you more often, but I just don't have the time," (this was his response to my telling him once that I would like to hear from him a little more often, as in a phone call or email once a week). He also consistently cancelled plans that he made the day of the event - this happened pretty much every other time we had plans.

 

Each time I met his parents, they made remarks alluding to he and I moving in together. Weirdly, one time after we dropped his parents off post dinner and movie, he blurted out as we drove off, "I'm NEVER going to take you to see my family again." I thought we had had a very nice time, so this was surprising to me. But I responded that I didn't know why he felt that way, but he was not obligated to do anything with me, and that if it made him uncomfortable for me to be around his family I certainly understood, and I also apologized for anything I might have done or said that would have offended anyone, and asked him to extend my apologies to his parents, as well.

 

The last straw for me was surrounding two concerts HE had said he wanted to attend with me. They were to take place in the same week, one on a Tuesday and one on a Friday. He called Tuesday morning and cancelled, saying he had to work, and suggested that I would have a fine time going by myself, or perhaps with another friend of ours. He also mentioned a date we had had the Saturday prior, wherein we were at a bar and I went to the bathroom and put on some makeup. He said, "I need to ask you about something...remember at the bar on Saturday? You went into the bathroom for a really, really long time and came out with all this makeup on. Why did you do that? At a bar?" Friday rolled around, and he called and said "I've been so busy all week this morning was the first time I had a chance to try to get tickets for tonight's concert. I went online, but it's sold out. Sorry..." Normally, I'd be fine with that, but this time, it just seemed like more of the same crap, like he was doing everything he could to get rid of me. So, I took him up on it this time.

 

He also always pointed out other men he said were looking at or interested in me, both strangers and close friends. He did this every single time we saw each other. Even on our first date...things were just wonderful, then suddenly his body language changed, he seemed to tense up (no idea why), and he started showing me other men he claimed were "checking me out." That seemed a bit odd, so I told myself not to forget it.

 

I know he had other women he was seeing, and that's fine. I'm sure that's why he broke dates left and right.

 

He told me he loved me on the 2nd and 3rd date (I never said it back) and suggested living together very early on. He quit calling me after he said 'I Love You' on the 3rd date; I told him that it was okay if he wasn't interested in me, and offered to just be friends...his reply stated that we should basically be booty-calls for one another. I told him no way, don't call me again. Two days later, he emailed. Two days after that he called, and a week or so later he introduced me to his family for the first time. Then the weirdness started again...

 

When I finally ended it, I simply told him that I understood he was very busy, and that I didn't want to take up any more of his time.

 

I heard from him around a month or so later. At first, just some blanket emails to a group of our mutual friends. Then, around two months after our last phone call he sent me one personally asking me how I was doing.

 

This has gone on ever since...every month to month and-a-half I get some kind of message from him. The last few have been directed only to me, and the last two he has asked me directly to have lunch with him and talk. I even got a hello/Merry Christmas email from his Mother just prior to the Holidays last year, and wondered if he hadn't asked her to send it.

 

He also called me on New Year's Eve. I didn't answer, and he left a long voice mail...it started out rather nice, but two minutes after he left this insane little message, he had one of our mutual friends call me.

 

All my responses have been polite but totally indifferent, wishing him well for the future, but with no information about myself, no questions about what he's doing. The last two times I have completely ignored his requests to meet, only wished him well for the future. I was sure with the one before this most recent one he would be done, because I was very vague, distant, etc. The only reason I reply is because I don't want to create weirdness with relationships with our mutual friends (I never even mention him or his correspondence to them, have never said an unkind word about him at all).

 

Why the hell would someone do this? Should I be worried? I do NOT initiate contact with him. He doesn't call, which is good, but my feelings get hurt every time he contacts me. And, frankly, it's kind of creeping me out. The weird part is, I feel oddly paranoid, as if I'm being watched or monitored or something, and this feeling seems to escalate in me just before I receive new correspondence from him. Obviously, I'm just screwing myself up with these thoughts, and he's not keeping tabs on me. I also find myself feeling scared or anxious each time I hear from him. Just the thought of him calling or me seeing him again makes me physically ill, which is doubly weird because he obviously doesn't give a crap about me, and he's never been violent toward me, never even said an unkind word. He did grow up in a very violent home with an alcoholic stepfather who used him as a punching bag, one of our mutual friends told me he doesn't treat women well, and he he himself told me he has a bad temper (rages, breaks stuff, etc.). I suspect I'm just a little nuts and scared - my relationship before this guy was very abusive, but I have to say, as bad as that was, I never felt the same level of apprehension. I'm nervous about this guy, and I have no idea why...I'm being stupid, right?

 

This has gone on a very long time. I keep thinking he's done, and then, wham, a month later he contacts me again. And now, he's been persistent about getting together. I know he's got other women, and that's actually something that makes me feel better. I don't know. Do you think he's just being a guy, trying to make sure he's got me in his hip-pocket as a last resort date for when he's desperate, or is this not right somehow? I just want the f'er to go away, you know?

 

Sorry for the length...any insight you have would be appreciated.

[DN]

I don't understand what 'being a guy' means but if he contacts you again I would reply and say you are glad he seems to be doing well but you have moved on and don't want to hear from him again. Then block him.

[nellyfae]

I don't understand what 'being a guy' means but if he contacts you again I would reply and say you are glad he seems to be doing well but you have moved on and don't want to hear from him again. Then block him.

Thank you, DN. I must say, this is an awfully nice group here. You and annie24 are very good moderators.

 

I understand my role in this...I'm codependent, had my own issues as a kid (alcholic father abused mom, mom is narcissistic, OCD and possibly bipolar, and I was sexually abused around age 4 by a couple of uncles - but not long-term, only for about a year, and I don't want to make it seem like it was that bad). So, I choose mates badly, try to please people all the time, have serious issues around setting boundaries, etc.

 

I don't want to make myself out to be a saint, because I'm not. He's not the only ex who contacts me...the abusive one has kept on trying for 3 years, and there's another one I haven't seen for almost 15 years who is married and tried to get in touch with m, as well (I just ignore them). But this time, I thought this guy would handle the end differently - after all, he's a friend of friends, I've known/known of him for 13 or more years, and he's very intelligent. I never expected him to keep up the contact, I figured he'd just forget all about me and never be in touch again. I guess this is why it's unnerving.

 

Oh well. I'll do as you say if I hear from him again. Which I hopefully won't!