Midlife crisis or just in love with someone else?

[CHANGING]

Hi everyone. This is my first post. I have been reading about all of you and take comfort that I have company (sadly). I'm also glad there are so many men who post, because I think it's important as a woman to get their view, no matter what it may be.

 

My situation is a little different.

 

Long story short. We grew up together. Each got married, got divorced, got together, that was 16 years ago. It was great. It was for him too. But something happened about a year and a half ago. He became quiet, changed his clothes, his hair, started riding his bike and then ultimately found another woman (at work).

 

He didn't tell me. He just snuck around and lied, and cheated. SHE came to my door to tell me, to mark her territory. That happened June 2008.

 

I went through all of the hell others do. I was crushed, blindsided, trust was gone, and all the "why" questions came into my head. I am in counseling.

 

Here's the kicker. HE WON'T MOVE OUT! His relationship goes on and off literally every 2-3 weeks, then back he comes. Not to me, to his safety net...the house. We rent, I can't legally kick him out. I refuse to move. This is all I have left of my dignity...my home. It's been awful. Not much talking. Just polite conversation. He still mows the lawn and stuff, but his heart is with OW. Once when he came back he said he was done and called her a psycho. But back he went.

 

I realize he wants his cake and eat it too. I was always trying to please him to get him back. I know now that was the worst thing to do. I made a lot of mistakes.

 

I have been trying NC and LC as best I can under the circumstances. No phone, no e-mail, no notes. He's in the garage, I'm on the deck. He's at the nieghbor's, I stay home. It's good our work schedules are helpful to NC.

But this is new for me too. I'm on day 4 and I've got to say I actuall feel pretty good. He's gone again to OW tonight and probably the weekend.

I,m getting out of the house, Bike, Driving Range, anything, just OUT.

 

I did get the "Speech" I love you but are no in love with you. I have even gotten "I love you, and always have". But still he chooses to go to psycho's house. He always brings his tools. Then when he finishes his project she throws him out, until she has another project. She's been married and divorced 3 times at 50 years old. She's using him and he doesn't see that.

 

Is it possible after this long and all this drama that he will ever come back home for real? I am really working on myself, and for the first time FOR ME. I think Zorba and Superdave are right that it has to begin there, here. If it doesn't happen for us I think I can be happy anyway now, but in my heart I think he is just lost. Maybe Midlife crisis if there is really such a thing?

 

Thanks for any input you may have. Please don't blast me. I'm trying to sort all of this out. We're basically talking a lifetime with this guy.

[Greedy Toad]

Working on yourself for YOU would also involve leaving the house that you rent. That will give you more dignity thananything.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

 

If he has a "pad" to come back to then you are simply allowing him to come and go as he needs. You MUST show him with actions that you can make tough decisions. Move out without him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, he is lost..but he is CHOOSING her...you are just the fall back person every time she kicks him out. How much longer on your lease. I would suggest you work on trying to figure out how to get out of there. This guy is using you. I don't care how "lost" he is, that is no excuse for doing what he is doing. He is not the same person you fell in love with. That guy is not coming back any time soon. If he wants to live a "born to be wild" life, then perhaps it is time for you to leave him to it with his trashy on again off again girlfriend.

[lostandhurt]

I am sorry he has been treating you with such dis-respect. He is not a man.

You have become a choice to him. Do you want to be a choice?

I think your first step is to become as indepedent of him as possible as soon as possible. You will find that you are much stronger than you ever knew and do not need him in your life. He is using you as she uses him. Take stock of your life. What does he add to it really? If you have trouble finding things other than hurt and dis-respect then I think your choices will be laid out in front of you.

A whole life together is not easy to end but it is possible. Take small steps and you can do it. separate your money, get your own credit cards, look into housing options, seek counseling for yourself. These things will give you power over your life.

 

If you remain a choice he may "come back for real" until he chooses to shack up with someone else. He is selfish and only cares for his feelings and wants.

 

Best wishes

Lost

[doc wannabe]

You gotta get outta there. Only when you are away from this sorry excuse for a male will you be able to begin to heal. Staying there is just going to prolong all of this stuff. Make the decison, start preparing for it, and get out. Take charge of all of your stuff and leave this person in the dust. Tell him, or don't - just go.

[sugabug001]

how much dignity can you have when all your friends know what he is doing to you..so you are still in the house..so what..he is walking all over you and everyone can see this..Its time to live your life for you..you only rent so rent somewhere else..if he really wanted to be with you then that where he would be--all the time not just half the time

[Capricorn3]

Staying in this situation only prolongs the agony. All it does is strip you of all your self respect, self-esteem and dignity. Why do that to yourself? It's not going to get any better. He has chosen HER. That should be enough incentive for you to pack your bags and go.

 

Start making plans to move out. You say you are only renting the property you currently live in. Find another place to rent. He's made his decision (another woman). Now you make your move and move out.

 

Best of luck.

[spinstermanquee]

no. not a midlife crisis, just a prolonged period of selfishness and disrespecting someone who has given her all for many years. then running after someone who cares not a whit for him, just uses him for handyman services. he is no prize. i know it will not be easy but you deserve so much more, sweetie. don't let him wipe his feet on you any more. do whatever it takes to remove yourself or him from the equation. good luck, you will be in my prayers.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Will he ever come back for real? Why would you want him? If he's feeling lost, Boo-Hoo! You don't deserve to be his doormat. I would find a new place to live and move out, ASAP. And change the locks in the mean time.