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Finding it hard to get past what he did and to stop the anger, even though I walked straight into it


kolfan

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Oooh ooh, I have been MIA for a few days and missed this scandalous news. So, you called him and he just hung up huh? Figures. Don't even waste your time on that fool! I can't believe he hung up though, what a blow, especially coming from a creep like him.

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I really think you need to stop thinking about/wondering about his motivations so much. You really need to take ownership of your own actions. Sure, he lied, called you, blah blah, but you bought it. The difference between the women I know who have been the other woman and the women who would NEVER take that is that the later woman truly feels that she deserves a full partner and a complete relationship.

 

I think you need to get into therapy very quickly. If not, you are going to spend a lot of years spinning in circles for unavailable men until your not young and attractive anymore and men won't put up with someone lacking in confidence and integrity. I know these things sound harsh, but you need to be take responsibility (not necessarily guilt and self hate) so you can make better decisions next time.

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Ok, I hate to be harsh here but I'm going to. "he was a coward because he couldn't end it, he had his wife do it." Come on, YOU ARE THE OTHER WOMAN. You only deserve so much sympathy, and to be honest, the pain and hurt you are feeling right now is well deserved. You got into a situation that could only end horribly and now you are trying to rationalize it to make yourself feel better. Get over it. You chose to be with a married man and it's not turning out how you wanted it too....I'm SHOCKED. All insensitivity aside, move on with your life and stop putting yourself in the middle of a relationship that doesn't involve you. Stop being so selfish. You are trying to make this better by turning him into the bad guy, but guess what?....you enabled him and think that it's all his fault? Please. Be a real woman and realize that what you did was wrong and leave it at that.

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Oooh ooh, I have been MIA for a few days and missed this scandalous news. So, you called him and he just hung up huh? Figures. Don't even waste your time on that fool! I can't believe he hung up though, what a blow, especially coming from a creep like him.

 

Hey, Well, I've been asked to stop blaming him entirely for his actions as I walked straight in to this mess, and to think of his wife, and I agree with these statements to some extent. Maybe he had to do this to get over me and prove his commitment to his family. Maybe I have to stop holding onto the anger and internally forgive him. It's still really hard though. Part of me will always wonder how he could have rejected my call when he heard my voice, after we shared so much physically and emotionally. That will always hurt me

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Hey, Well, I've been asked to stop blaming him entirely for his actions as I walked straight in to this mess, and to think of his wife, and I agree with these statements to some extent. Maybe he had to do this to get over me and prove his commitment to his family. Maybe I have to stop holding onto the anger and internally forgive him. It's still really hard though. Part of me will always wonder how he could have rejected my call when he heard my voice, after we shared so much physically and emotionally. That will always hurt me

 

i think it's time you knocked this married man off his pedestal and see him for who he really is - a serial cheater who will say/do anything behind his poor wife's back so he can get have some fling on the side, breaking hearts and not taking responsibility for it. why grieve over a guy who kept you as his dirty little secret? learn from this and move on, put your energy into finding someone unattached and HONEST.

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"I gradually became convinced this man did really want to be with me and not his wife, and if there were no kids involved we would be together properly."

 

I'm really confused as to why you did not end it.... He was clearly not being truthful to you. And above-- you say that he would have been with you IF kids were not involved... but they were. And you knew that from the very beginning. I understand that you are hurting... and I'm sorry that you are. But I don't believe he ever had any intention of being with you anymore than just an affair. I suggest you just let him go. Don't look back. And go ahead to a man who can be all yours.

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"I gradually became convinced this man did really want to be with me and not his wife, and if there were no kids involved we would be together properly."

 

I'm really confused as to why you did not end it.... He was clearly not being truthful to you. And above-- you say that he would have been with you IF kids were not involved... but they were. And you knew that from the very beginning. I understand that you are hurting... and I'm sorry that you are. But I don't believe he ever had any intention of being with you anymore than just an affair. I suggest you just let him go. Don't look back. And go ahead to a man who can be all yours.

 

He is no different from the majority of married men who don't want the OW for anymore than just an affair. I suppose the main difference is that he did not lie and tell me he would leave his wife. Although he did say he wanted me and the kids, and that I was 'the love of his life'. LOL. I am so stupid. I hate myself.

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  • 1 month later...

Hi folks, me again.

Not sure if you'll remember my post!

 

Three months on, and although healing, can't get MM out of head. Still not heard from him despite a couple of posters' warnings that he will try to contact me.

 

I have been having these dreams about him also, where I try to make contact with him and he talks to me, apologising for hanging up and saying he didn't mean to (as if) and I hear his laugh and voice quite vividly etc. It's really odd. I have dreams that I meet his wife, either getting on quite well with her or getting into a nasty argument with her! Help! It is so hard getting over someone when you dream about them often. What does all this mean? Why do I still struggle with it? Is it because I can't believe I didn't get that chance to speak to him three months ago? I don't have the answers, and I don't expect you to either. I am really just letting off steam. Thank you.

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For a 12 month affair, three months probably won't do the trick of being completely moved on.

 

I would not get your hopes up that he will contact you. Since he has cheated in the past, I doubt he has contacted that other other woman since he found you. For all we know, he's found another woman. He could be working on his marriage. Who knows.

 

Dreams about people with whom you've had strong emotional ties with are normal. Eventually, when you start to move on, they will fade, just like your hurt and your pain you are feeling right now, towards yourself, him, his wife and kids.

 

You will just have to be satisfied with the answers you have now. Besides, would it do you any good to receive an update from him anyway? Focus on yourself, what takeaways you have from this awful experience. Above all forgive yourself for being weak and somewhat foolish, and then move on to a man who can give their full attention to you.

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  • 2 years later...

Kolfan, I am in the EXACT situation you have described here. I have been all over the Internet but find your language and sentiments to closely match mine. I would really like to find out how you coped and what ended up happening. If it isn't too painful to revisit, I would love some of your input and advice. I am new to the forum and don't know if I can message you privately.

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And why would he respect you? He doesn't respect anyone, and you let him use you... So why's it a shock how it ended or what happened with everything? This situation is a no brainer. This is what always happens with affairs, and the stuff he says is so trite it's funny. Being cheated on by the one person you love dearly and trust screws you up badly. I feel so sorry for the wife.

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  • 5 months later...

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